Eric’s blog: If Vince Russo booked late ’80s/early ’90s WWF…

This blog post is completely random and (as I’m typing this I’m realizing it) is the type of drivel Wade Keller allows dunces like Marc Warzecha to write on PWTorch.com (if you’re not a VIP member, sign up today!). Notice I said “type” of drivel, though; I hope this is better, and I hope you all can think of more items to add to this list.

I was reading this interview recap at Prowrestling.net, and Christopher Daniels said that TNA never really understood the “Fallen Angel” gimmick and let it be just a nickname rather than a persona. (This sucks, as a tried-and-true character could have helped Daniels create an even stronger connection with a national crowd than he already has by being a color-by-numbers indy worker with a smelly subsection of the audience.) Anyway, as we all know, that idiot Vince Russo is in charge of booking, and as we all know, there are a lot of things about wrestling he doesn’t understand. But I wondered, what if Russo had come around a generation earlier? How would the characters I grew up knowing and loving be different? What angles, indelibly etched into my memory today, would have been fleeting and forgettable? Let’s think out loud…

* Mr. Perfect would have lost his first match.

* Earthquake would have sat on Hulk Hogan, then appeared in Hogan’s corner in his own match against Hogan.

* The Rockers would have actually snorted cocaine on TV, because “I sweah ta gahd, Wade, that’s what rock-and-rollahs do.”

* Ax would have introduced Crush into Demolition but immediately showed signs of jealousy before turning on Smash.

* Three seconds later, Crush would have tried to join the Four Horsemen, even though they were in the NWA.

* “The World’s Strongest Man” Dino Bravo would have had a love affair with Rockin’ Robin, who would have been given a penis.

* Crush would then spend three weeks trying to join the Heenan Family, claiming he’d been being scouted the whole time.

* Slick and the Twin Towers would have been a Black Power organization.

* Crush would try to join that, too.

* Ted DiBiase would have been given a black servant named after someone in NWA management… hmmm, OK, wait…

* The Blue Blazer would have… no, that wasn’t Russo’s fault, either.

* Wild-eyed Brutus Beefcake would symbolically cut people’s fingers off with his hedge clippers for screwing with Hulk Hogan.

* But Zeus would have symbolically killed Brutus Beefcake.

* And then Zeus would have been in Hulk Hogan’s corner for the match-up between Hulk Hogan and Zeus.

* Before joining Slick’s “bigger, blacker” organization.

* That Crush still can’t get into.

* Jesse Ventura, the man who tells it like it is, would have been replaced in mid-1990 with Vic Venom, a guy who should never tell it at all.

* Koko B. Ware would have given opponents the bird bird bird.

* Tito Santana would have never been given a chance “’cause he can’t speak no English, so as gahd as my witness, how is that entaTAYNing?”

* Ultimate Warrior would have hosted a talk show. (Wow, that’s actually not a bad idea.)

* Crush finally successfully joins a stable, only to turn on them the next week and wrestle someone else totally not affiliated with them at Summerslam.

* I change the channel.

(And I hope when I change the channel, this is what’s on…)

Haha, you suck, Mr. Kennedy

Looked like this wrist from my vantage point.

Yeah, I ripped that headline style off from What Would Tyler Durden Do, but it’s true. I thought I saw it happen, but Jason Powell at Prowrestling.net confirmed it: Mr. Kennedy injured his wrist during his return match on Raw last night, a 10-man tag featuring many wrestlers much higher on the card (and deservedly so, at this point) than Mr. “One of These Things is Not Like the Other” Kennedy.

Mr. Kennedy suffered a wrist injury during the 10-man tag match on Monday’s Raw. He rolled out of the ring after taking an RKO from Randy Orton and then clutched his wrist in pain. He winced when Jerry Lawler touched his wrist at ringside.

And here I was secretly (openly, on the PWTorch.com VIP Forum) hoping the tennis-shoed Batista would injure himself last night. I mean, that’s what big oafs do in multiple-man tags on Raw. But I’m not least damn bit surprised this dolt Kennedy hurt himself. He truly is the Ahmed Johnson of the post-Attitude era. -Eric

Video update: Not good quality, but check it out while it lasts. Happens late in the 3:30 clip.


Final lineup for tonight’s TNA No Surrender

It wont be half as good as this.

It won't be half as good as this.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?! I can’t! It’s TNA No Surrender, and it’s one hour away! But my predictions are no minutes away. Here’s the final lineup, according to TNAWrestling.com, and totally not taking into consideration the possibility that Booker T might not make it since he lives in the current shitstorm that is Houston, Texas, and can’t exactly be flying all over the country:

MAIN EVENT FOR THE TNA WRESTLING WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
FOUR WAYS TO GLORY MATCH:

Champion Samoa Joe vs. Booker T vs. Kurt Angle vs. Christian Cage

Thoughts: Who cares? No matter what, everyone will come out looking worse, and that goes double for Samoa Joe.

TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Beer Money, Inc. vs. The Latin American Xchange

Thoughts: Who cares? Beer Money fifty-percent sucks, and the other 50 percent might have suffered a concussion at last night’s house show, says the Wrestling Observer/Figure Four Online. And Shelly won’t wrestle me in my apartment. LAX are rad, though. They deserve better than Storm and Roode for opponents.

X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

Champion “Maple Leaf Muscle” Petey Williams vs. Consequences Creed vs. Sheik Abdul Bashir

Thoughts: Who cares? I kinda like Consequences Creed, but his outfit is stupid, his Rough Cuts are running too long, and his work name is awful compared to his real name. Petey Williams is ten types of nothing-happening these days. Shaun Daivari is the man, but Abdul Bashir gets his ass kicked by referees.

MIXED MARTIAL ARTS MATCH
“The Phenomenal” AJ Styles vs. Frank Trigg

Thoughts: Who the fuck cares?

TAG TEAM MATCH
Abyss & Matt Morgan vs. Team 3D

Thoughts: Jesus Christ, who in the flying fucking world cares? At least this is addition by subtraction.

KNOCKOUT WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
Champion Taylor Wilde vs. Angelina Love of The Beautiful People

Thoughts: Hot chicks, lots of momentum, OK wrestling, and one woman with a roll-up as a finisher. A mixed bag, but I’ll probably be playing with my bag during this match.

LADDER OF LOVE MATCH
“Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt

Thoughts: Who cares? Jay Lethal is now stuck with this awful gimmick (that I used to love, when I thought they’d show some restraint and cut it off before it was too late), Sonjay Dutt is just awful, and So Cal Val looks like her mom irons clothes with her face. End this shit now.

CHALLENGE MATCH
The Rock N’ Rave Infection (Lance Rock, Jimmy Rave and Christy Hemme) vs. The Prince Justice Brotherhood (Curry Man, Shark Boy & Super Eric)

Thoughts: Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking stupid. All of you, go kill yourselves.

FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE

ODB vs. Awesome Kong w/ Raisha Saeed

Thoughts: I wonder if ODB ever dumped that doofus who kept standing in the way of my camera while I was taping an indy show she was on?

OK, enjoy the show. I’ll have the car running and the garage all sealed up if you want to join me.

Yell at Eric by writing to eric@stuntgranny.com.

Hulkamania Wrestling: Break son out of jail, rub princess, inject 1-Ups

Oh, I'm sure J.R. will be thrilled about that.

Oh, I'm sure J.R. will be pleased about this.

Jason Powell at Prowrestling.net alerted readers to this article at PocketGamer.co.uk about the new “Hulkamania Wrestling” mobile video game, which looks like a giant turd. I do like how the ring is at an angle, like Fire Pro Wrestling. Jesus, did I just compare this piece of junk to Fire Pro? I’m sorry, how about WWF WrestleMania Challenge for the NES? Remember how if you were the Ultimate Warrior and you threw Andre the Giant over the top rope, he couldn’t get back in the ring? Yep, Hulk’s new game looks about that exciting. And honestly, how does Hogan continue to get his name and likeness licensed for all this stuff? American Gladiators, that fantasy fly-fishing thing (no, I’m not kidding), a grill, this… his life is a fucking trainwreck! I want to be overpaid white trash, too… better run out and get my Hulkster grill right now, dude! -Eric

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