@RealKurtAngle busted for DWI, I’d rather have my dead grandma drive a car

It’s like if Shawn Michaels did it with Ram-Man from He-Man.

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA *SUPER*star Kurt Angle was arrested last night in Decatur, Texas, for driving while intoxicated. Apparently/allegedly (whatever the proper term is), Angle left last night’s TNA TV tapings in Wichita Falls, Texas, and was busted for driving drunk. I would have been drinking, too, if I had to sit live through that shitty Bobby Roode vs. Hernandez match. Angle was released on $2,000 bond.

Now, also according to Prowrestling.net (and thank god Jason Powell is around to do this detective work… if this were Chris Shore, he’d be telling us how crappy Angle’s drunk-driving workrate is and how he needs to swerve faster in the last 12 seconds of the police chase….

Oh, wait, it is Chris Shore…) this is Angle’s fourth documented DWI/OWI/DUI of some sort. Lest we forget the night he was found in a median in South Dakota after drinking his bi-racial bestiality sorrows away. Granted, he seems to do more harm to others when he’s in a house with them rather than in a car pointed at them, but still, someone’s gotta take away this guy’s car keys. I’d rather have Ronnie Milsap drive me through a patch of cacti in a rusty convertible full of hot feces while listening to the Eagles than be within a country mile of ol’ Bo Duke here. At least I’d leave with Hepatitis C and a face full of cactus needles, rather than people knowing I was around Kurt Angle. -Eric

Side note: Angle has addressed this situation on his Twitter account, telling us he will overcome this. Of course he will. Jesus, I’ve driven drunk more times than I’ve driven sober, and I’m still doing fine. I’m sure someone with Angle’s support system will be just fine.

Stunt Granny Audio #191

Return of the Mack

This is a very very special edition of Stunt Granny Audio because The Man is back. Dusty and Kevin join up to talk about Psycho Sid’s return and just how it rates in the lexicon of all time great moments in pro wrestling history. They talk about how good it must be to be Heath Slater right now, how pathetic Ric Flair is now, how weird those old Ultimate Warrior vs Andre the Giant matches were, Brock Lesnar’s sudden transformation into David Copperfield, John Cena *finally* getting a well deserved title match, and much much more. The best part is it’s only going to take about 40 minutes of your precious time away from you, so you really have no excuse not to listen immediately, fucko.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #191

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 12 – John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

(Whew, this is it, the final day of the 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas, nearly two weeks of looking back at the dummies and their news stories of 2011. Let’s end it with a whimper: the perennially boring John Morrison decided to take time off after seeing the writing on the wall that no one cares about him; Chyna dove even deeper into the world of pornography, and Lita ill-advisedly appeared somewhere without make-up. *shudder*)

(Originally posted Dec. 12, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

“BRAAAAY”-kin’ the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab
Day 10: Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 9 – Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab

"And now I'll go drive one of those cars back there into a tree!"

(Once again, on a day like today, with so many stories to choose from, why pick one? Especially when they’re all related, and it lends multiple opportunities to poke fun at Mr. 2011 Matt Hardy.)

(Originally posted Sept. 14, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was yet again arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Oh, gee willikers, I sure do hope this is the wake-up call Hardy needs to get his life back in order oh wait who gives a flying fuck about his life. If he doesn’t care enough to keep himself in working order, neither do I. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Man, these guys are hard on Hardy for what he does in his personal life,” keep in mind how much of his personal life he’s posted on the Internet. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, this latest charge isn’t even something he Tweeted or YouTubed about,” remember that a violation of the law is in the public record, and if he wasn’t such a god-awful fuck-up as an alleged human being, his name wouldn’t be in the books to begin with. Sure, we all make mistakes. Well, once or twice is a mistake. At the rate Matt Hardy is going, he ought to just say hello to David Carradine for us. -Eric

UPDATE: Oh, that explains it, he was framed. (This, according to Prowrestling.net.) Yep, I’ve heard of this. I watch a lot of “Today” in the morning. What happened was, see, Matt was sitting at home, minding his business and messing with the many distracting settings on his Flip camera when, out of the blue, Jealous Internet Reporter Jones came into his house, slipped a roofie into his extra-large Oreo Blizzard, waited for Matt to go for a joyride in his “I’ve made two lifetimes’ income” Chevy Caprice Classic and then alerted the cops that an intoxicated Hardy was behind the wheel. Matt passed every sobriety test, and the cop, obviously a costumed writer for some Web site called Crashy Grandparent, placed handcuffs on Matt and escorted him to a real jail cell. Matt did absolutely nothing wrong to obtain his latest charge of driving (something you have to actively do) while intoxicated (something most people with a history of intoxication also actively choose to do). I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this frame job, so stay tuned to Twitter, as if you weren’t already glued there.

"Eeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................."

(Originally posted Sept. 7, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle was arrested Sunday morning in Warren County, Va., and charged with driving under the influence. (Christ, you could set your watch to Angle’s drunken antics.) Angle went on to say that he’d plead not guilty to the charges because he claims his blood alcohol content was 0.06. However, the police (and who trusts them, anyway?) had this to say, according to the Northern Virginia Daily:

The wrestler’s first test, conducted at the scene of the traffic stop near Linden, came back above the legal limit of 0.08. On a second test at the Front Royal police headquarters Sunday morning, Angle blew a 0.06, according to state police.

A report filed by Trooper C.R. Scally also stated that Angle failed several field sobriety tests.

Hmmm, I’m never sure who to believe in these cases, the police who are hired to protect and serve us (but occasionally beat us unmercifully when we get out of control or aren’t white), or Kurt Angle, who gets celebrates a full moon by getting pilled up, pulled over and tossed in jail for half the night. Furthermore, this happened in northern Virginia, where people on a nightly basis drink half a jug of moonshine labeled “XXX,” then go out driving in their General Lee trying to run from Boss Hogg. Cops’ Judgment: 1, Kurt Angle’s Habitually Poor Judgment: 0. -Eric


(Originally posted Sept. 20, 2011) Saw this video posted last night. Unlike every time before with one of Matt Hardy’s videos I decided to sleep on it and watch it again. Apparently Matt is going to rehab on WWE’s dime. He is entering voluntarily thanks to the assistance of Vince McMahon – you know, the devil.

Regardless of previous posts correctly calling Matt out on his bullshit, this one is actually conflicting. It’s easy to make fun of the guy for falling apart on camera talking about finding himself and his happier days. It’s easy to point out his fashion sense is that of a thirteen-year-old MMA wanna-be.

What isn’t easy, though, is believing a word he is saying. You want to believe, at least I do, that he is going to get better and that he realizes he has to get better. But who posts a video blog telling people you are voluntarily going to rehab? What kind of glory hound has to put his personal business out there instead of just going and doing what he needs to do to get healthy?

Can you see the reason for being skeptical? It just seems like yet another line of bullshit to get hits on his YouTube channel and sell some “The Hardy Show” DVDs. Can anyone honestly say that this isn’t a possibility? Is anyone else waiting for a “very special episode” of “The Hardy Show” or even a “Celebrity Rehab” version of the show?

Now, after viewing the video, I think this may be another step after hitting rock bottom. Maybe Matt feels the need to document it as a reminder of how far he has fallen. We all remember the “Mattitude” gimmick back in WWE when it seemed like he was poised for great things. It never happened for one reason or another and he has been a joke ever since. If he goes to rehab and does successfully overcome his addictions, then great, welcome back to real life. The problem will be in dealing with his addiction. You don’t go in and suddenly come out of it no longer an addict. It is a daily struggle.

It isn’t an episode of your show. It isn’t a video blog. It is life and death. Look at the history of the industry and argue against it. This is sappy crap but whatever: I am rooting for this to be legit. I will take no shame in saying I was wrong and I’ll be at the front of the line to apologize for doubting his intentions.

So good luck, Matt Hardy, you are going to need it. -Jeremy

UPDATE: He better run his fat ass to rehab as fast as his bow legs can carry him, then, because according to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was arrested yet christ-punching again, this time on charges of possession with intent to sell/deliver a controlled substance and possession of paraphernalia. Police searched Hardy’s home in Cameron, N.C., and found steroids, Ecstasy, a Red Baron pizza cooking in the oven, and Kurt Angle’s telephone number. So long, sucker! -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6: Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 8 – So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid


(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. And it would have been so easy to pick on Matt Hardy here, either for his suicide video on YouTube or his DWI arrest in the foothills of Moonshine Country. Or, in a plea for more Web site hits, we could have reposted the story about Linda Bollea accusing Hulk Hogan of having gay sex with Brutus Beefcake. Instead, we chose to pick on TNA, who, despite what you might hear from Kurt Angle or Hulk Hogan or Dixie Carter or Jeff Jarrett, still can’t afford to pay its jobbers. Enter the Yang.)
(Originally posted Aug. 18, 2011) It was all downhill from here, folks.

Speaking of TNA being soaked in trailer park, they apparently have yet to pay Jimmy Yang. Here’s what I’ve been able to gather from various internet reports about this. Yang did a one-shot appearance in TNA on the June 27 Impact Wrestling taping, reviving his old Flying Elvis character. The Flying Elvises were the first thing that ever appeared in TNA, way back during the weekly pay-per-view era. I used to get all those shows, because I had a friend who was willing to go half-and-half with me, and I was so desperate at the time for an alternative to WWE. Naive young Dusty.

In any event, it’s been since then and Yang has yet to get a paycheck from TNA that doesn’t bounce like a Milwaukee Bucks basketball. So naturally, this led to an upset Yang taking the whole thing public. For some reason, that action caused TNA management to call him up and tell him he was acting unprofessionally. An enraged Yang fired back that not paying someone for their work is what is *really* unprofessional.

Look, I know I’m Anti-TNA Guy around here. My colleagues usually choose to handle TNA with more diplomacy, for reasons that are lost on me. But I don’t think there’s any way to sugar coat this. This is TNA failing on an epic, public scale. Stuff like this is only going to serve to encourage released WWE performers to ply their trade in Japan or elsewhere overseas. TNA is the Little Engine That Absolutely Can’t But Insists On Continuing Anyway. – Dusty

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6: Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended

Matt Hardy arrested yet again on yet another DWI charge

"And now I'll go drive one of those cars back there into a tree!"

(NOTE: Don’t let this post bury the Stunt Granny Audio below! Check it out!)

According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was yet again arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Oh, gee willikers, I sure do hope this is the wake-up call Hardy needs to get his life back in order oh wait who gives a flying fuck about his life. If he doesn’t care enough to keep himself in working order, neither do I. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Man, these guys are hard on Hardy for what he does in his personal life,” keep in mind how much of his personal life he’s posted on the Internet. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, this latest charge isn’t even something he Tweeted or YouTubed about,” remember that a violation of the law is in the public record, and if he wasn’t such a god-awful fuck-up as an alleged human being, his name wouldn’t be in the books to begin with. Sure, we all make mistakes. Well, once or twice is a mistake. At the rate Matt Hardy is going, he ought to just say hello to David Carradine for us. -Eric

UPDATE: Oh, that explains it, he was framed. (This, according to Prowrestling.net.) Yep, I’ve heard of this. I watch a lot of “Today” in the morning. What happened was, see, Matt was sitting at home, minding his business and messing with the many distracting settings on his Flip camera when, out of the blue, Jealous Internet Reporter Jones came into his house, slipped a roofie into his extra-large Oreo Blizzard, waited for Matt to go for a joyride in his “I’ve made two lifetimes’ income” Chevy Caprice Classic and then alerted the cops that an intoxicated Hardy was behind the wheel. Matt passed every sobriety test, and the cop, obviously a costumed writer for some Web site called Crashy Grandparent, placed handcuffs on Matt and escorted him to a real jail cell. Matt did absolutely nothing wrong to obtain his latest charge of driving (something you have to actively do) while intoxicated (something most people with a history of intoxication also actively choose to do). I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this frame job, so stay tuned to Twitter, as if you weren’t already glued there.

Matt Hardy Arrested For DWI, Fired By TNA

While the shards of breaking nooz are jammed into my eyeballs, the gods of breaking nooz have blessed me kindly. According to tmz.com:

Wrestling superstar Matt Hardy was arrested in North Carolina today for suspicion of driving while intoxicated … TMZ has learned.

According to the Moore County Jail, Hardy was busted this afternoon by the North Carolina State Highway Patrol and released around 7:00 PM ET.

Hardy is currently part of Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, but made his name in the WWE.

And then there was an update:

According to the North Carolina State Highway Patrol, a trooper discovered Hardy after his 2009 Corvette ran off the road and struck a tree. Hardy was by himself at the time and did not suffer any injuries.

The trooper observed signs of impairment and arrested Hardy. He was charged with DWI and the trooper found no other contraband in the vehicle. Hardy submitted to a blood test, the results are pending.

Say it with me now. I know you want to: soaked in trailer park! – Dusty

Update 2: Updatrick Boogaloo: According to several quasi-reliable online sources (including Bleacher Report, which is where I go for all my professional wrestling news), Matt has been fired by TNA because of this incident. So this is enough to get Matt fired, but awaiting trial for hella drug possession isn’t enough to get Jeff fired? I simply do not understand.

Update 3: IT SPEAKS!

When the side windows glass smashed into my face, arms, & neck, some of the blood that did felt almost angelic. I went from being afraid to die to feeling like I was almost being reborn with some sort of an ABSOLUTE PURE LIFE-FORCE. It was the most amazing thing I’ve every experience, I felt like I’d just received the blood of an angel flowing inside me-I know this sounds crazy! Due to these, I only have urges to help people. And miraculously, all my vices are gone.

Amen Friends,

MATTHEW

How do you imagine the person who would write such a thing to be? Mentally handicapped? Severely drugged up? All of the above?

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