Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Kia And Cay at Melissas ParentsSeeing as though I’m taking my hound dog Kia into a specialist to have her heart murmur looked x-rayed on Wednesday, Peter King’s page about putting down his Golden Retriever Bailey really touched me. It also reminded me of Bill Simmons writing a eulogy for his dog the Dooze. The first time I read about having to put down a dog was Marley & Me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s become cliche to write about your dog when that time comes. I don’t want it to come but it’s coming. The heart murmur is not taking my mind away from that time. Enjoy your pets as long as you can. Time to review some wrestling. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 2 before we see live action. The usual tribute to the troops then a Big Show package. I didn’t read the spoilers so it’s all new to me. The Authority is away so the mice are going to play. Oh my! Randy Orton takes forever and a day to get to the ring as usual. Of course the way he starts his promo is “I’ll get right to it…” You don’t do anything quickly, Randy. He’s in charge of Raw tonight. Brad Maddox was more exciting in his twenty second promo. Corporate Kane says he’s in charge. Maddox tries to make a match but Kane suggests another opponent. Vickie Guerrero comes out to toss around her weight. So I’ve found something worse than HHH & Steph being on TV, bit players arguing power for three hours of TV. HHH & Steph run a tight ship. Wouldn’t best for business mean appointing someone boss so this doesn’t happen? For some reason, she has Orton take on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Why is a heel screwing a heel?

Goldust and Orton are in the ring after the break. It’s got to fill you with confidence when the crowd chants “Randy’s Boring”. Not a flattering mock chant. He’s so boring, I didn’t need to type anything of significance before the next commercial. Goldust is taking a beating still. Cody Rhodes gets a hot tag. Orton gets himself counted out. Big Show arrives to attack Orton. Super choke slam off the top of the stairs thru the announce table. That’s got to smart.

Big Show goes out for a pint since Sheamus can’t. Los Matadores & El Torito get to bore me even more. Santino Marella is their team mate.  3MB comes out as the Union Jacks. The crowd is behind them. Mitchell Cool calls him Bulltino because he’s wearing horns. Yuck. Bull Cobra win. Double yuck. Randy Orton yells at Maddox then Vickie. Kane isn’t taking Orton’s shit. It’s official, my boy is the new Christian because he gets a crack at the IC Title.

Damien Sandow is waiting in the ring. Kofi Kingston is his opponent. Sandow showing a mean streak early. I don’t catch much of the match though because I’m talking over Wrestlemania plans. You’re Welcome for the win. I guess the Terminoose is no longer.

Dolph Ziggler comes down first. Curtis Axel comes down second as the champion. Axel gets the upper hand early. Ziggler turns things around with a drop kick. Ziggler’s spill to the outside looked rough. They talk over Axel’s psyche without Paul Heyman. Mitchell said “Billy Gunn” like he was going thru puberty. Super face plant only gets Ziggler a two count. Axel gives Ziggler one move for the win. Fuck Jack Swagger. Give credit to Ziggler for a great match, are you fucking kidding me? Kane has his new arguing partner in Brad Maddox. The Real Americans are taking on John Cena. The Shield is taking on CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Sounds like we got our hour mark matches.

I didn’t ever realize how bitchy the Bellas entrance was. You can look but not touch? Aren’t you baby faces? Shouldn’t you change their entrance music? Nikki Bella is taking on Tamina. Brie & AJ Lee are at ring side for their respective partners. Tamina uses her strength to smack around Nikki. The later gets to have some quick strike offense. AJ cheats for Tamina. Superfly splash for the win. AJ took out Brie after that. Brie dropkicks AJ then Tamina. We get a stand off then. No one cares.

Video Package Count: 3. The Shield goes in to have an audience with Randy Orton. For some reason, the trainer is still working on him. The Shield doesn’t work for anyone that was supposed to be in charge tonight. So is this match going to involve Fandango or is Summer Rae in action again?

Video Package Count: 4. This time to preview Total Divas. Tyson and Nattie still don’t know how to be a couple. The review will be up sometime tomorrow. Tyson Kidd is Fandango’s opponent. Kidd looks sharp again. Fandango gets the cheap roll up win. The crowd is happy. I don’t really care because I’m over Fandango. I’d rather him get some in ring cred. A cheap win over a guy coming back from an injury isn’t the way to do it.

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Stunt Granny Movie Review: This Is the End

This-Is-The-End-Poster

“This is The End” sure looked pretty bad from the Approved for All Audiences trailer when it was released at the beginning of the year. Ok so it was groan inducing. “Hey look, it is the youngish gen-y kids you know form movies you really liked and some you hated. They all made a movie together but the trick is that the stars are playing….wait for it…..themselves. How cute.” Sure seemed like it was going to be chockfull of in jokes and a lot of smug self-referencing.

Well, the movie does have a lot of self-referencing jokes and they are actually really funny. Maybe having low expectations worked for the better. But of course I blame all of this on the trailer. The jump cuts of their inventory followed by the unfunny discussion about eating a Milky Way bar taints the movies appeal. In the context of the movie it works but as a selling point for the movie it is a poor representation of the humor. The humor is just as biting and quick as “Superbad” and “Knocked Up” while the action calls back to “Pineapple Express”.

You can expect the standard fare of pot jokes, dick jokes, masturbation jokes, some callbacks to their other collaborations and previous films and a lot of laughs. There is also a concerted effort on some of the cameo appearances to break character type and it also some good laughs. If you haven’t gotten the point yet the movie is really funny.

At first I was wondering why they just didn’t play actual characters instead of playing it as themselves.  But then it becomes clear each star of course is not playing themself. They are all playing a variation on their most famous character type. Seth Rogen is the awkward pothead of “Knocked Up” or really any other movie he has been in. Jay Baruchel, the most unheralded of the group, is his condescending and self-righteous self from “She’s Out of MyLeague”. James Franco gets to have the most fun playing a nebulous creation of his perceived sarcastic side that is an internet whipping post and a little bit of Harry Osborne. Jonah Hill seems to be channeling his inner “Moneyball” as he comes across as the exact opposite of any other character he has ever played. Danny McBride smartly plays who is essentially Kenny Powers from “Eastbound and Down”.

This leads to creatively the biggest difference in the movie. While it has its share of funny lines and gags the laughs do not really kick in until the arrival of Danny McBride. As a huge fan of anything Danny McBride, including “Hotrod”, his introduction is perfect. I heard his introduction described as a “pimp moment” and that description is absolutely correct. Adding McBride to the solitary cast added conflict and eventually some attitude to the other characters. He is essential and really McBride hasn’t done anything wrong other than Your Highness, which is even mentioned and appropriately goofed on in the movie.

After this all sets in the laughs really start. Stealing a page from Shahid, a quick rundown of the plot:

Jay visits Seth in LA and they go to James Franco’s house for a house-warming party. Well Jay doesn’t like LA so he grabs Seth and they walk to the store for smokes. While there the entire world comes to an end. Yes the apocalypse has hit LA. As you know from the trailer everyone is confined to the Franco abode as they try and figure out how to survive and figure out what just happened.

Is it all absurd? Of course it is but isn’t that what made “Pineapple Express” and “Superbad” pretty damn good? It is also going to be considered blasphemous by any Christian. There are comedic representations of demonic possession, exorcisms, Lucifer/Satan, and depending on your Christian swing the trivialization of core beliefs. Yes the end of the world in this case is the actual Biblical apocalypse from the Book of Revelation.

The flick also darts off in different directions to make fun of horror and apocalyptic genre movies but never loses site of the core comedic elements. Even at the end of the world with Lucifer  roaming the land with junk a flying and cannibals roaming the streets the movie never stops bringing the funny.

For a movie that received a good deal of groans from the preview it won me over. It is worth the ticket price and in today’s inflated ticket prices I wouldn’t lead you astray.  So hit the local gogoloplex, sneak in your food and drink and silence your god damn cell phones (really how do you not remember by now?) and watch this flick or wait for blue-ray. Whatever, I don’t know your financial situation. Just don’t watch it on DVD. I mean come on you aren’t that poor.  -Jeremy

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