Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

The mighty Kent State Golden Flashes have beaten the #1 ranked Florida Gators to bounce them from the College World Series. I didn’t think I could feel better than last week after the win in Eugene but I do. I didn’t like our chances today but the bats came alive and Ryan Borges pitched just well enough to eek out a 5-4 win, no thanks to the bull pen that couldn’t throw a strike. They probably won’t win the title, but it feels good to get a win especially over the Gators. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

Only five more weeks before I gauge my eyes out with three hour Raw on a weekly basis. I thought the Cyndi Lauper rumor, was just, you know, a rumor. Mick Foley comes out with a suit on. Why does it take so long for this moronic board to pick someone? He announces a dull tag team match with Kane & Daniel Bryan against Sheamus & CM Punk. Johnny Wooden GM comes out for his farewell address. Oh no, it isn’t his farewell address. Sheamus comes out next. Ah, and CM Punk. Good timing for them.

Kane & Daniel Bryan make their entrances after the break and of course a replay of AJ jumping into Kane’s arms. 211 days for a title reign for Punk. It doesn’t seem like it since Cena is in the majority of PPV. After helping my neighbor who locked herself out of her condo, I’m back to watching this match. Nights rarely run smoothly around here. Of all days that I’d want Baby Momma Drama to not be around, it’d be today so of course he is here. Heels winning at the break. No shock.

Sheamus comes in on the hot tag. He uses his power even against Kane. Bryan gets in the unseen drop kick. Sheamus gets the second round of selling. Even the none wrestling fans notice the quality of Punk and Bryan in the ring. AJ comes out, skips around in a mini-Kane outfit then leaves. Brogue Kick for the win.

Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler are arguing with each other. Vickie wants them to make peace. Johnny & David Otunga are bagging on Mick Foley when Big Show arrives. Big Show angry. Otunga needs the suit or dress shirt on to be drinking out of the coffee cup. Ziggler is taking on Swagger for Vickie’s heart. Missed that part earlier.

Swagger barely gets his entrance after the commercial. Dolph is going to get in trouble for the Flair strut. Swagger attacks Dolph’s “injury”.  Ziggler pulls out a very baby face win. We’re not sure what Vickie is wearing. It’s a poncho with short shorts with a napkin design. It is not working. We get a replay of HHH’s challenge. Limo arrives so time for a commercial to make us anticipate absolutely nothing.

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TNA Audio #2 – The Road To Nowhere

If you don't listen, Dusty will do next week's audio wearing a turkey suit!

Oh my god, they renewed the contract for another week! By George, maybe this is catching on after all. This week, Dusty and Matt focus on the January 19 edition of Impact. Topics include but are not limited to these exciting things:

-The debut of the segment sweeping the nation, “Ask A Random Question.”

-More long diatribes about how no one in this godforsaken company knows how to dress himself.

-How exactly is mental retardation supposed to be funny?

-How many different ways can they come up with to end the show with a dirty finish?

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #2

And a whole lot more, and it’s only going to take about an hour of your time, so you need to listen or else you’ll be the only one in neighborhood who’s not, and no one wants to be the outcast.

Randy Orton: Eugene was released because of his weight

NO, Eugene, thats your thumb, you cant eat that!

NO, Eugene, stop! That's your thumb, you can't eat that!

According to Prowrestling.net, Randy Orton was quoted in the UK Sun (damn, how does the UK keep getting better American wrestling stories than American papers?) explaining why Eugene, a.k.a. Nick Dinsmore, was released so soon after his WWE return:

“He came back two weeks ago and came in a little heavy from where (management) wanted him to come in,” Orton stated during a SummerSlam promotional appearance.

“Nick is a good friend of mine. I pulled some strings to get his job back and he comes back all overweight. So all in all, I’m a little upset with him right now.”

God, where do I start… You have a guy playing a retard. While there are plenty of, as Vince McMahon would say in the mid-1990s, “special olympians” who are physically fit and even work out, the first thing I think when someone mentions Corky isn’t “Greek god.” So you’ve pigeon-holed a perfectly good worker (*cough*pillhead*cough*) with this awful gimmick that will never get him over or allow him to collect main-event money, you ask him to look like shit, he comes back looking even shittier, including his bush-league outfit (probably the one he’s been wearing on the indies), and somehow this shocks you? And what did you so, re-sign him sight unseen?? “Randy, run to Kinko’s and fax him this contract.” That’s stupid. It was stupid to bring that character back. It was, dare I say, retarded to create it in the first place.

If you really want Nick Dinsmore around, tell him to get a tan, work out, cut his dumb hair, shave his beard and throw away his outfit with the turkey-made-by-hand-outline on it. Then have a guy who proved his mettle in OVW come in and work a style that isn’t stealing other people’s moves and hulking up with his freaky retard strength. Get a fucking clue, guys. -Eric

Eugene released again. Good. Let’s keep it that way.

I, I, Ill be back in a couple weeks!

"I, I, I'll be back here in a couple weeks, folks!"

According to WWE.com, WWE released Nick Dinsmore, aka Eugene, again. Good riddance. He looked like dogshit in that short match with The Miz, aka the Calgary Kid, on Monday. Hey, maybe TNA will sign him, and he and Kurt Angle can start a tag team called The Pharmacy. -Eric

The Art of Wrestling – Bad Christmas Presents

Inspired by the need to go for a couple of Christmas editions of The Art of Wrestling, I looked around the WWEshop.com for their Christmas packages and daily deals.  I stumbled into something that was truly a bad gift so a number of articles may be just to mock some truly awful products.  We know that you expect a higher standard here at Stunt Granny, but we’re going to get to some dumpster diving.

The bad gift that I stumbled into and got the ball rolling was this teddy bear of Eugene that costs just $7.98.  I’m sure everyone has a “special” friend that they can give this one to.

Get the Eugene Teddy Bear for someone special in your life.

Get the Eugene Teddy Bear for someone special in your life.

Do you need something a little extra special for that phone you just got a loved one?  Buy them this Carlito Picture Cell Phone Charmfor only $5.95!  A Carlito Charm a day, keeps the doctor away.

I hope I get the WWE Superstars 6 Piece Pen Set for $8.00 because I’d truly be inspired to bump out a cartoon for the first time in months.  I love the ringing endorsements below the ad too:

Awosome!!!!!!!!!!!!! by Mystery girl: This is really cool i can use the pencils for all day long.

And another real winner with a great grasp on the English language:

Asowme by Josh: The sould of put dx.

I can’t wait to be reading a new language that is called English by the end of my life.

How about getting something for your girlfriend or wife who trudges to every WWE event with you?  I suggest picking up these WWE World Heavyweight Title Belt earrings in either the dangling variety or as studs.   She can’t blame you for not getting her gold this year and you get to buy it for a mere $5.98 a pair.

If you've got a gold digger this good looking, please, give up the wrestling habit.

If you've got a gold digger this good looking, please, give up the wrestling habit.

Maybe you have a son or daughter who accompanies you to all the WWE events, so why not get them one big present so that they can California kiss Rey Mysterio forehead to forehead in this lovely silver ensemble when you also purchase them tickets along the aisle way.  The outfit only costs $99.00 down from the original price of $125.   It’s cheaper than going to the 619 for vacation this coming year.

California Kisses are just a cheap rip off of Eskimo Kisses.

California Kisses are just a cheap rip off of Eskimo Kisses.

How about a gift for yourself because you can’t stand Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on Monday?  I suggest buying this set of shot glasses.  Take a shot of your favorite liquor every time either of them says “WWE Universe”, when Lawler makes a “Puppies” or sexual innuendo joke or when Cole calls a move the wrong name.  By the end of the first hour of Raw, you’ll have made it enjoyable.

The Official Shot of Stunt Granny

The Official Shot of Stunt Granny

Santa Kevin will be back with more presents whether you’ve been naughty or nice.

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