Stunt Granny Movie Review: After Earth

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Will Smith +a post-apocalyptic Earth + Father & son mending old wounds while overcoming new challenges should equal an entertaining  film.  Unfortunately, when the primary ingredient is Jaden Smith, and the chef is M. Night Shyamalan, your end product is the dull, dry plate of lasagna known as After Earth.
A quick synopsis – Earth is abandoned due to cataclysms and global warming, with Humans settling on a planet outside the solar system called Nova Prime.  Years later, the planet comes under attack by an invading alien species via biological weapons known as Ursas – blind monsters who sense humans via fear pheromones. A special military force known as Rangers are trained to hide their fear (called ghosting) in order to successfully attack these creatures.  Fast –forward to the present time where Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith) bristles under the shadow of his famous father, General Cypher Raige, while also dealing with the guilt of a previous family tragedy.  As a form of healing & bonding, the Raige clan travels together on a routine training expedition.  Of course they run into an impossibly-formed asteroid field and are forced to crash land on a now quarantined Earth.  Being the only survivors, they must find a way to reach an emergency beacon while avoiding an erratic weather climate, as well as an animal kingdom which has evolved to hunt humans.

While typing that synopsis, I realized that there is an engrossing story that could’ve been told.  Unfortunately, it was presented in a ham-handed, half-assed way.  There were warning signs beforehand that this wouldn’t be an enjoyable movie – the fact that Jaden Smith’s name came before Will on a poster was one.  The fact that the director of the movie was downplayed as much as humanly possible was another. But hey, it’s a Will Smith sci-fi movie – even with a flimsy story, I’d thought at the very least I’d get to see Will Smith do Will Smith events in a charismatic, slightly corny, yet entertaining manner.  Even the director of the Village, Lady in The Water and that goddamn travesty The Last Airbender couldn’t ruin a simple layup.  Well, that’s what I get for assuming, for M. Night did the seemingly impossible – he made a dull, middling, boring Will Smith science fiction movie.

When it comes to creating an effective science fiction movie, there are three factors to consider – setting, story and stars.  After Earth presents a gorgeous setting, being the first major release to take advantage of 4K resolution.  The movie is crisp, clean and realistic, with proper sense of scale and movement.  Unfortunately, it’s an empty world, bereft of depth.  One thing not absent are blatant plot contrivances.   I’m not the one to nitpick science fiction movies, due to the fact of a certain suspension of disbelief required for enjoyment.  But there’s no goddamn way I can believe with a straight face that a civilization which developed  interstellar space travel and wormhole technology are hunting scent monsters with magic Swiss army knives.  Seriously, there are no guns in the future?  A bigger issue however, is the setting of earth itself.  We are told countless times how dangerous Earth has become, and how lethal the predators have evolved.  What’s actually presented area bunch of baboons, a snail, a few jaguars, and an Eagle fight.  Future empty earth may look gorgeous, but it never seems as dangerous as it’s portrayed to be. Furthermore, how could these creatures evolve to kill humans, when there haven’t been humans present in a millennia?

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Stunt Granny Audio Movie Review: Snitch

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Oh yes we are back with another movie review, plus all the other to dos surrounding the movie going experience. This time around we review Dwayne “The Rock” Johnsons new movie “Snitch.” How did the movie compared to the real events? Was this really The Rock’s finest performance? If so does that really mean anything based on his body of work? How did Shane from The Walking Dead make out? How long were the previews before Jeremy’s movie compared to Kevin’s? Were any of them worth making our hosts wait? Jut download and find out!

Stunt Granny Movie Review- Snitch

The Rock kinda sorta rules

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You ever think that you just have too much going on in life and that a long vacation is what is truly in order? Well, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would probably disagree.  In fact, The Rock probably tries to come up with ways of changing the laws of science to increase the amount of seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour and hours in a day just to get more things done. Isn’t it time for The Rock to take the place f Chuck Norris as the official American badass?

Screw Chuck Norris and his lazy Total Gym physique and Just For Men beard. He has nothing on The Rock’s work ethic.  How many movies does Chuck Norris have releasing this year? Go ahead look it up? Done? Yeah he doesn’t have as many as Rock has in the next four months. Television shows? Yup, Rock beats him there as well.  In fact, Rock laps Chuck Norris on talk show appearances alone let alone having an actual scripted television program.

Sport entertainment championships? Chuck Norris never even sniffed one let alone held one after ten years of inaction. Hell Chuck Norris can’t even take a karate movie again without attaching himself to Sly Stallone’s jock. It is ridiculous. So, in order to help you all out here is a brief Rock viewing guide for the next few months just to help you keep it all straight.

SNITCH : February 22, 2013

Snitch is supposedly based on a true story so obviously it will be based off of true events. This is a Hollywood way of taking a boring story and making it way more interesting, cough, Argo.  Who knew Susan Sarandon still made movies? From the preview I can’t tell if that is Rock’s wife or friend but if it is his wife it confirms his fetish for older women both on screen and off.

G.I.JOE RETALIATION  :  March 28, 2013

All right look, the first G.I. Joe movie was offensive on every level. If they would have replaced all of the most beloved characters with retarded children and slingshots it would have made more sense and been far more compelling. This time around though it looks like they captured G.I. Joe as it was written for the comics. Ninja sword fights while repelling off a mountain? Yes please. The Rock hiding in a well while The Pit is attacked by a Cobra lead government? Sure it looks like they wiped out the entire G.I. Joe Force from the preview but then who cares? They didn’t introduce too many characters you should care about anyway. R.I.P. black Ripcord. Hopefully you find a peaceful afterlife with black Bongo the Bear.

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