Stunt Granny Audio Show#248

That's nice. Now when is he leaving?

That’s nice. Now when is he leaving?

Can you believe it’s time for another edition of Stunt Granny Audio?! Well, you better believe it, you dummy, because it totally is! This time around, Kevin and Dusty guide you through the latest and greatest happenings in the world of professional wrestling. Jay Lethal had some stuff to say, but really it was just an excuse for everyone to call him an ass goblin and talk about CM Punk. Was Punk really being treated unfairly in the booking? Was it an insult to book him against Triple H at Mania? Would he fit in to the current ROH scene? Or worse, TNA? How does WWE see Punk in the grand scheme of things?

They then move on to talk about Daniel Bryan and how his YES chant is catching fire across the globe. Many sports teams are picking up on it. Bryan could be a breakout superstar in the business because of this whole thing. Also, what is stopping the Miz from going any higher up the card? Dusty makes a bold prediction about the Miz as well. Also, there is discussion about Ethan Carter III in TNA. He was given the opportunity a lot of wrestlers would kill for with this gimmick, but can he carry the weight? All this and a whole lot more nonsense that you’ll have to hear to believe, so hear it already.

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Sheamus out 4-6 months

This is the Sheamus I chose to remember.

This is the Sheamus I chose to remember.

Most times when a wrestler disappears from television you forget they even existed. When it happens to be a pasty white dude with red hair it is kind of difficult. After two Mondays and one Friday without Sheamus it did bring up the question, “Where the hell is Sheamus?” It isn’t that he was missed, after all he has to be the most played out WWE character right now and yes that includes John Cena. Surfing around the net as if it were 1996 all over again I stumbled across this on WWE.com.

MRI results indicate that Sheamus has suffered a torn labrum in his left shoulder and will require surgery, scheduled for next week. As a result, The Celtic Warrior is expected to be sidelined for four to six months, WWE.com has learned.

Finally we all get a break from Sheamus the character. Four to six months is perfect time for his return. He comes back in the heart of WrestleMania season. The real news here though is it is perfect time for a character change. Face Sheamus sucks. The -800-FELLA bullshit is embarrassing. Sheamus has every appearance of a heel. A hooligan, ya know his Irish gimmick, is never a fan favorite. It makes no god damn sense. It never has. His character bullies his opponents both physically and mentally but does it with a wink, nod and a glib smile. He does this while being a spokesman for Be-A-Star the Anti-Bullying garbage business, but gets cheers? Literally no logic was used in this character and endorsement opportunities.

“Hey kids do what I do but listen, don’t do it to good people. Just pick on the people who are mean because that will make them see the errors of their ways and change. Change is good. Be like me <brouge kicks a homeless vet>. See he was bugging me for change and food. He should have gotten a job and paid for his own instead of bullying me. “

Anyway, Shemus is gone for upwards fo six months. He needs the time off. WWE has a chance to package him correctly. Not in the looks department. How idiotic would it be for him to come back tan and sporting black hair? He needs to keep the look btu get back to his heelish roots. Really, just because the guy looks and speaks like a Hanna Barbera cartoon character doesn’t mean he has to act like one; unless it is Muttley. Muttley is fucking great. -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Audio Show #166

Yup!

Jeremy & Kevin are back to tickle your ears with goodness after a couple of busy week. Do they cover all of the material they skipped? Of course not or this audio would last for five hours. They do start by talking some Pro Wrestling Ohio. Who got thrown under the bus during this segment? And who did the guys throw under the bus during their weekend conversation. They spend the majority of the time talking about the WWE though. How was the Daniel Bryan versus Mark Henry match on the special live Smackdown? Bryan gets talked about more after his appearance against Alberto Del Rio on Raw. Why is he still labeled a dork? Is AJ the cutest thing ever? They segue those thoughts into talking about the Diva’s division for the only time this month. Jeremy & Kevin roll on to talk about one of the weirdest segments in a long time, John Cena pushing Zack Ryder. Why was it weird? Was it as forced as Alberto Del Rio’s push? The guys do get back around to talking about Berto & The Miz but were they too exposed by CM Punk? Find out why this threesome made Kevin think about Cars 2 by clicking on the link below.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #166

Dusty’s Blog: A Modest Proposal For Changing The Shape Of WWE

There’s a guy who gets paid to do this who brings up that wrestlers should get about three months of mandatory time off per year every couple months.  What he doesn’t realize is that it’s not really adequate to just want something to happen.  I want to impregnate Scarlett Johansson, but I realize that might not ever happen.  What I’m saying is, you have to actually present an idea, instead of just saying something to say it.  So while I’m working on the Scarlett thing, here’s a modest proposal for wrestlers getting three months off every year.

Treat wrestling like a real sport.  Let’s use basketball as the example for these purposes, since those knuckleheads have been in the news recently.  A typical NBA season (when they’re not following up the best year in the history of their league with an extended, fan repelling lockout) runs until April, and then the playoffs culminate in June with the championship series.  And then they have off until late October or November, so we’re talking about four months off for NBA players to get high and play video games. 

So if we’re talking three months off (admittedly as arbitrary as any number would be, but we’ll use it as the launching point for this column), how do we structure WWE’s “season”?  The first thing I can think of is that WrestleMania is still considered the biggest WWE event of the year, even in this age of de-focus on pay-per-views and more focus on television (and Twitter).  So let’s say WrestleMania is where the championship is decided every year.  Now let’s work backwards to get there.

This system would allow for every match to mean something, which is something a lot of people on the internet have been clamoring for for years now.  I propose a point system of something like three points for every pinfall or submission victory, two points for every countout or disqualification victory, one point for a draw (time limit draw or no decision type situation), and zero points for any loss.  Tiebreakers can be amount of wins first and fewest amount of losses second.  Or something like that.  I’m just spitballing here.  The important part is that I get my ideas out.

And keep track of every win and loss, and constantly update the point totals.  Show the leaderboard on the television shows.  Have a page on the website that tracks everybody on the roster.  Make it interactive.  At some random point, the “season” ends, and it’s time for the tournament.  The seedings for the tournament will be based on the points system.  The finals of the tournament will be held at WrestleMania.  After WrestleMania, the “season” is over, and the wrestlers get April, May and June off, and start up the next season in July.

I think this format would serve several purposes.  For one, it gives everyone on the roster time to rest up, heal injuries, what have you.  For another, it would make every match important, since logically you would want to win every match so you get as many points as possible so you get the best seed in the tournament you possibly can.  You’d rather be facing Primo in the first round of the tournament than, say, Dolph Ziggler.  Make it easy on yourself, why don’t you?

You can still make the TV shows storyline driven, to an extent.  But the storylines would now be centered around gaining in the standings, gaining points, improving your status, as opposed to storylines centered around comedy that isn’t funny and belts changing hands every week.

And what about those belts?  Gone.  You’re wrestling for the purpose of winning the “championship” at the end of the “season.”  Belts have so little meaning anymore anyway, it’s a necessary evil to get rid of them.  Besides, belts don’t sell tickets anymore either.  Wrestlers don’t even really sell tickets anymore, aside from maybe like John Cena and Undertaker and special appearance guys like the Rock.  The WWE brand sells tickets.  People go to TV tapings and live events to see “WWE,” and whatever that means to them.  I would argue it would be an easy transition to a belt-less company.  The people wouldn’t mind nearly as much as the purists would want you to believe.

And what about tag teams?  Gone.  As much of a tag team wrestling fan as I am, as much as I grew up loving Demolition and the Midnight Express and the Beverly Brothers and the Fabulous Rougeaus and Arn Anderson and whoever Arn was teaming with that week, this is another necessary evil.  The past ten years have done nothing but teach fans that tag teams don’t mean anything.  Every pairing these days is an afterthought, and every team is bound to break up, with the only question being when, not if. 

So with everyone fighting for the goal of winning the individual championship at WrestleMania, the next logical step is getting rid of tag teams altogether.  There is no reason to team with anybody anymore.  Wrestling logic dictates you can’t trust that person, no matter how good of a friend they may seem to be.  So let’s skip the middle man altogether here.  And again, the tag belts don’t mean anything.  No belt does.

So while these may seem like radical steps, I view them as totally necessary to get towards the end goal.  You want a more realistic product, this is the way to do it.  Everyone fighting towards a common goal, you may be “friendly” with some of your competitors but not so much that you wouldn’t try to beat them in a match if it meant gaining ground in the standings.  This is how you can move wrestling towards emulating real sports, like basketball, and real competitions, like UFC events.

Again, the main purpose here was to get this idea out in the open.  I welcome any feedback, improvements, adjustments, whatever, you want to suggest.  This is the rough idea I dreamed up, and I’m kind of excited about it and wanted to share it.  Hopefully I can find enough time to make this a weekly thing, every Sunday night so people can have something to read on Monday mornings when they’re online doing whatever instead of working.  Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to find a job that allows online surfing during work time.  I’ll have to work on that, right after I find Scarlett…

Sin Cara has a shirt. A penis shirt.

Now, I’m not nearly eloquent enough to put into words how I feel about this, so I am going to just let the picture do the talking. No, I’m not:

1. Sin Cara is a horrible professional wrestler.

2. That is a terrifically horrible shirt.

3. Sin Cara sucks.

4. How did that get off the production line? Somebody thought this was a good idea.

5. Isn’t Sin Cara Triple H’s baby? Strike one. – Dusty

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

If you didn't like this week's Monday Night Raw, this picture should hopefully put things into perspective for you.

This one will be short and sweet since I’m feeling under the weather today. Kevin wanted me to do this because he’s busy with something or another else. We’re choking down Summer Slam, so they better make this count.

Triple H comes out to start the show. How long do you get to be the new COO of the company before you’re just the COO of the company? He said there were lots of changes going on in the company, what with them going from having no champion to now having two. He said they’re going to resolve that issue at Summer Slam with a match between John Cena and CM Punk to determine who the undisputed champion will be. Punk got a big pop again at the mention. Hunter said a match of that magnitude is going to need a special guest referee of equal magnitude to keep the law and order. So, of course, it’s going to be him. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming. Ray Charles could have seen that coming. A visually impaired person who needs the assistance of eyewear in order to see things properly could have seen that coming.

In any event, Hunter then got down to the business of laying out the format of the rest of the show. We’ve got a contract signing between Punk and Cena (I’m sure that will go just swimmingly), as well as individual matches for the both of them against other dudes. Hunter said Cena’s match is first, and actually it is going to be right then and there. I love how they do that on wrestling shows, the faux surprise “let’s have a match right now!” thing. What were they going to do otherwise with that time? Just show an empty ring? Have Triple H talk longer? Before they went to break, Cena got in Hunter’s face to question the guest referee stipulation. Hunter told him no one is bigger than him, basically laying down the law there. Interesting.

Back from break, and Cena is taking on Jack Swagger. WWE forgot to fire Swagger on Black Friday a while back, and they’re going to punish him for it by making him job on television. Or something like that. I’m not reviewing the matches this week in any sort of meaningful way, if you want to know the truth of it. Besides, Swagger is not good, so it would just be a bunch of sentences saying stuff like “Swagger did something poorly” and “Swagger sold something poorly.” I just saved you some time. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment for the victory. It was your basic John Cena match that he had every week while I was doing Smackdown reviews back in the day. I guess Swagger and Carlito are interchangeable.

Later in the show is going to be Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Isn’t Rey hurt? Isn’t Miz not much better off? What’s going on here? They show clips of Bret Hart vs. Curt Hennig from Summer Slam 1991, which is one of my favorite matches of all time, ostensibly to get people excited about this year’s Summer Slam. Done and doner.

Ricardo Rodriguez interrupts Scott Stanford (the broski of the forever) to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio is going to be taking on Punk tonight, and he vows to finish what he tried to start at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. So apparently Punk is a babyface now, in that he is a babyface when he is facing heels and a heel when he is facing babyfaces. Who doesn’t think Punk is this generation’s Randy Savage, the best thing to happen to wrestling in the last 10 years? If so, harm yourself immediately.

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Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

Guess who's back... back again...

I came up with that title at three o’clock this afternoon. See, cause it’s after the show aired? Eh? Ah, forget it.

Kevin is incapacitated this week, so I’m back here doing what I used to do every week – review Monday Night Raw for no pay whatsoever. Last week’s show lit the internet on fire in a blaze of controversy, so it will be interesting to see how this show fares in its aftermath.

We start with the new Raw belt on display, shades of the WrestleMania 4 tournament. All we needed was Robin Leach to read a pretentious proclamation before the match began. I really hate the way Justin Roberts strains some words out like he’s taking a gigantic dump. I’m sure someone in management told him to do it. Cole and Lawler introduce the show and say it’s right to the action as we’re going to start things off with Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz for the Raw Title. They show the entire lockerroom watching backstage. I’m loving this; it’s being treated like a big deal, and they’re guaranteeing a champion by putting the match on first and letting it go as long as it needs to. Cole puts over the tournament and the guys’ backgrounds like he’s good ol’ JR or something. (That’s post-show-watching foreshadowing, folks.) “If Rey Mysterio walked on water, you’d say, ‘Oh look, Mysterio can’t swim!'” – Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole.

We come back from break with Lawler taking a shot at the Obama-Boehner political debate that was going on tonight. They trade nearfalls and Miz becomes frustrated, which culminates in an almost Christian-like temper tantrum after a close two count. Miz blocks a 619 and hits a sitout powerbomb for a two count. “Miz looks like a Greek statue with that flower on his dick.” – Becky, in regards to Miz’s terrible trunks. Mysterio finally hits the 619 and top rope splash to win the match and the title. This was a great TV show match.

Miz attacks during the post-match celebration and lays out Mysterio. Alberto Del Rio’s music hits and he comes out with the briefcase, indicating he’s going to claim his title match right now while Mysterio is down and out. However, he takes too long to get to the ring, and Mysterio catches him with a dive to the outside. Del Rio retreats while vowing Mysterio hasn’t seen the last of him.

They come back from break showing Mysterio receiving a standing ovation from the boys in the back, who then shower him with champagne. Cena gets up in his face, but then shakes his hand and pats him on the back. Josh Mathews interviews Mysterio, who talks about his family and how much this win means to him. They then show clips of last week’s show ending angle with Triple H and Vince McMahon and advertise that Hunter will be doing a State of the WWE Address later on in the show.

We come back from break with clips of Dolph Ziggler beating Kofi Kingston at the Capital Punishment PPV to win the United States Title. This sets up Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero in his corner) taking on Evan Bourne. I love Zigglers’ “I Am Perfection” shirt. The font is very reminiscent of what they used for the WrestleMania 2 graphics. I’m all full of old WrestleMania references in this review, as you will see. Vickie is a heat machine at ringside. Evan’s selling is top notch. He is absolutely this generation’s Ricky Morton, and I hope WWE understands what a gift they have with him. Bourne hits a frankensteiner off the top for a two count. He misses a 450 splash and Ziggler takes control, locking in a sleeper hold for the victory. “Follow that!” Ziggler challenges. Great charisma. They then show a clip of Kofi beating Del Rio last week to set up this week’s rematch.

Every USA Network show is exactly the same. Have you noticed this? I can’t wait to see Vincent D’Onofrio star in this week’s Burn Notice. Or… wait… uh…

We’re back with a wacky backstage segment featuring some schmuck carrying around a pack of Keystone Light like he’s Buck Zumhofe with the stereo. Oh, it’s Keith Stone. Whatever. In any event, Eve complains to him that the Bella Twins always take advantage of the fact that they are identical to do sneaky switches behind the ref’s back and basically cheat for a living. Stone solves this problem by using magic markers to draw an arm sleeve tattoo on Nikki in a quick cutaway scene. There was no follow up to this whatsoever, so I have no idea what the point of it was, other than to try to get Dusty Giebink to commit suicide.

Maryse and Melina are already in the ring, so you just know this match is going to end up going well for them. They’re taking on Kelly Kelly and Eve tonight. Maryse carries herself like she’s hotness. Lawler again takes a shot at the political speech. They should be careful that these knocks aren’t advertising the thing, you know? Eve is basically dressed like a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader tonight. She also has huge knockers, so there’s that. Maryse actually hits a stinkface at some point in the match. Melina tags in and stinks up one side and down the other. Man, is she terrible. The match devolves into a four way brawl. Kelly hits the fameasser for the win. Everything not involving Melina was decent for women’s fare. They show R-Truth talking *at* (not to) Triple H backstage to hype up the State of the WWE Address.

During the break, Becky points out the genius of Hunter marrying Stephanie. Apparently she doesn’t believe in True Love.

Hunter comes out for his State of the Union address as Cole points out last week it was announced he’s taking over for Vince as the head of day to day operations of the company. Beck points out it’s like when Michael took over for Don Corleone in the Godfather. Hunter is even dressed like a mob boss here. Hunter gives dap to Vince to start things off. He says he’s here to talk about the future of the company, and congratulates Mysterio on his title win. He says Rey has agreed to defend the belt in a second title match here tonight against John Cena, since Cena was cheated out of the rematch he deserved by Vince.

Hunter then switches gears and says he’s re-hired someone the fans have been clamoring for for some time now. Everybody thinks it’s CM Punk, but it ends up being Jim Ross, I’m sure much to Eric Nelson’s glee. Lawler embraces Ross as Cole looks like Hunter just ran over his new kitty 37 times with a Hummer. Cole throws down his headset and grabs a microphone. He says Hunter said this was supposed to be about the future, but Jim Ross is the walking dead. He says he’s been a company man since WrestleMania, doing everything they asked him to do, but he will not commentate along with Ross. Hunter looks nonplussed in the ring during this rant. Cole gets in Ross’ face, saying he’s spent his entire WWE career kissing Vince McMahon’s ass, so it makes sense that now that Hunter is in charge, Ross would kiss his ass. “The only thing bigger than your ego is your gut!” Hunter politely asks if Cole is finished, and then says his first inclination was to outright fire Cole and replace him with Ross. He said that was a logistical impossibility, however, due to the terms in Cole’s contract. Therefore, he is giving Cole the rest of the show off, and he has until Friday Night Smackdown to make up his mind on what his future holds. If he no shows the Smackdown taping, it will be considered a breach of contract and Cole will be future endeavored. If he shows up, everything will be as normal, just with Ross calling Raw from now on. Cole changes his tune immediately, saying he wants to keep his job and sits back down at the announce booth. Hunter says Cole must have misunderstood him, because he said he’s given Cole the night off from announcing. However, he better get to the back and get changed, because he’s got a match coming up next. He says if Cole refuses to do the match, it will again be considered a breach of contract and he will be fired. He said he left Cole some wrestling gear in the back, so he has no excuses.

As Cole is storming out of the scene angrily, R-Truth appears to confront Hunter. He says it’s out with the old and in with the new and he digs that. He starts talking to himself. This is a great gimmick. He tells Hunter that Little Jimmy cost him his match at Capital Punishment, and spiders and heights cost him his match at the Money in the Bank PPV. He asks Hunter what he’s going to do to end the vast conspiracy that exists against him. Hunter starts talking to himself as a way of mocking Truth. This is the type of stuff Hunter is still funny at. “Man, you crazy!” “I know, it’s like I’m insane!” “You might be a game, but I ain’t playing!” As Truth is walking off, Hunter stops him and announces that he has re-signed another guy, and this guy wants a piece of Truth. Cue John Morrison. Morrison and Truth brawl all over ringside and Morrison hits the Starship Pain to end the segment. Good stuff, because it wasn’t just 20 minutes of Hunter talking about himself. They accomplished a bunch of stuff in this segment and none of it was “get over Hunter,” really.

Back from break with Cole coming out dressed like Triple H and spitting the water for cheap comedy. I guess they can’t get that completely out of their systems yet. “I forgot about those ugly tattoos,” Jim Ross truths. Zack Ryder is announced as his opponent. Fans are actually chanting Ryder’s name. The match is over so quick I still had my head down writing the above couple sentences. I hope this is the start of some type of TV push for Ryder.

They show clips from last week’s Kofi vs. ADR match to set up this week’s rematch. Ricardo Rodriguez is out there to introduce Del Rio. All is right with the world. Kofi hits a sloppy non-fruit rollup (oh yeah). Del Rio retreats as they cut to a quick break.

Back from break and Del Rio has taken control of the match. Kofi hits a high crossbody for a two count. He then hits the boom drop or whatever the piss they’re calling it. He takes too long to hit a kick of some description and Del Rio hits the old Cactus Jack double arm DDT. Kofi counters a roll through with one of his own (shades of Bret vs. Owen from WrestleMania 10 – see, I told you!), but Del Rio grabs the ropes. Del Rio finally locks on the cross armbreaker for the submission victory. Not a bad match.

Back from break, they advertise Rey vs. Cena for the belt, but first Josh Mathews interviews the Miz backstage. Miz says he can’t believe Cena has a title match after almost being fired last week. He said Vince had the right idea, but Hunter came in and ruined things. He says Cena caused this whole mess to begin with by losing the title to He Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. He says it’s a shame that the face of the company now is a man who does not even show his face, but rather hides it behind a mask. He gets in a cheap plug for his appearance on the George Lopez Show, coming up Wednesday. So did I, just there. He says Hunter’s reign thus far has been a huge mistake.

All my neighbors mowed their lawns today. I mean, I’m unemployed, so days of the week mean absolutely nothing to me, but I still mow my lawn on the weekend, just because it seems like a very weekendy thing to do. You know, you just have more time on the weekend to do things like that. I wonder why everyone in this neighborhood chose Monday afternoon as designated lawn mowing time. Seems bizarre to me.

We come back from break and learn that ugly chicks dig Cena. He really is the new Shawn Michaels. Cena and Mysterio fist bump before the match as Ross points out they are not allowed to refer to CM Punk by name on the air. (He did it without saying his name, of course. Although, it would have been funny if he was like, “I’m not allowed to say CM Punk. Oh shit!”) Back and forth action to start. Lawler points out that Cena might have the advantage here since Mysterio has had to wrestle once already tonight. Nice touch. Mysterio gets a DDT in for a two count. Cena locks in an STF but Rey gets to the ropes. Cena counters a 619 with a powerslam for two. Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the F-U but Rey counters it.

Bunch of counters time! Rey locks in the STF. Cena powers out of it with one leg, which looks awesome. Rey hits the 619 but takes too long to attempt the top rope splash and Cena gets his knees up. Rey tries for the frankensteiner but Cena counters it with a powerbomb. Cena gets a near fall with a top rope fameasser that I think fooled the crowd. Rey counters the F-U, Cena counters the 619, and hits the F-U to win the title. Rey looked good in losing there. Cena and Rey embrace and then Cena celebrates with the title. Wait a minute, though. What’s that music?

Cue CM Punk coming to the ring! Punk gets into the ring for a face-off with Cena. The crowd gave Punk a huge reaction when he came out. Sort of like, “YAY! I’m so glad he’s back… wait a minute, I’m supposed to hate him! BOO!” Cena holds up his belt to a big reaction. Punk holds up his belt to an even bigger reaction. This is where the show ends. We’re left to ponder whether Punk is the third guy Hunter re-signed since taking control of the company, or if he just showed up on his own accord. And if he is back in the fold, will this set up a title-for-title match with Cena? If so, when? SummerSlam? This is exactly what a good wrestling television show should do. Another strong thumbs up from me here.

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