Headlines: Matt Hardy can’t admit to sucking, Young Bucks can’t either, Del Rio (rightfully) gets no love

matt hardy

Who woulda thought, huh?

According to Prowrestling.net (and I saw this earlier on his Twitter account, so also according to me), Matt Hardy lashed out at a fan who must have been speaking the God’s honest gospel truth about how much Matt Hardy sucks as a pro wrestler and a human being (and an actor, and an entertainer, and a ghost hunter, and did I mention human being?).

Please bet against me and insult and have fun at my expense. You you’ve never done anything and never will. While I sit home with enough money to last two lifetimes.

A) Jason Powell corrected Hardy’s spelling because he originally wrote to “best” against him. The best thing that’s ever been against Hardy is the wall that props his drunk ass up at the Waffle Stop while he devours the left side of the menu. (And he can afford it, too, because he has enough money for the two lifetimes he’s very quickly burning through.) B) It’s a good thing we’re a dirt sheet, because that means he can’t lash out at us. Remember, he basically said that already.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks recently [edit for who-gives-a-fuck] listen guys, you suck, your schtick sucks, and you’re only getting press because there are 10,000 sites like ours hungry for interviews with disgruntled former independent contractors. If you can make enough money on the indy circuit, do it while you can, because eventually everyone is going to see through this spot-monkey bullshit and bandana-wearing garbage and toss you out like yesterday’s garbage. Not that it’s any of my business, but just how much money do you think Marty Jannetty and Ricky Morton are pulling in for that same act, just 25 years later? Then again, they’ve both made enough money to last two lifetimes.

Speaking of indy guys, according to Prowrestling.net, Wrestling Revolution has named its first two roster members, Colt Cabana and Dr. Luther (some old Canadian). Wrestling Revolution began as a Kickstarter project created by Jeff Katz, former WCW Internet nerd turned Hollywood executive producer. Rather than force you to sit through a three-minute video of a fat bearded guy green-screened in front of a wrestling ring he’ll never step foot inside, let me give you the rundown: Katz wants to steal my No. 1 draft pick of Colt Cabana and create a wrestling “league” based on a shortened storyline schedule similar to that of cable TV seasons. Interesting concept, and I hope it takes off. Or I hope it fails at the same time I win the lottery so I can hire Colt myself.

Finally, according to an eyewitness report from WWE Monday Night Raw (posted at Prowrestling.net), WWE Champion Alberto del Rio has no crowd heat whatsoever. Two guesses as to why that could be: He’s not very good, and the writers have completely fucked up a very simple aristocratic character by making him smile like a retard at the zoo and say his own name every week. Come on, let him get down to kicking ass and shoving pesos down his opponents’ throats. Heat = instant. -Eric

Eric’s blog: Scum. Absolute scum. (Roster page and sign spelling update @ 3:50 p.m. central time)

jeff hardy abyss jeff jarrett
(L to R) A druggie, a masochist and a delusional hick. Start printing the money.

(UPDATE: I just looked at the TNA roster page — and you can guess why — and the world champion still says “TBD” as of 3:50 p.m. central time Monday. You’re telling me the fucking Web master couldn’t update the fucking page during the FUCKING PPV?? Jesus tap dancing merciless christ… Also, good call on Jeremy: Whatever idiot made this sign [*cough*Russo’sKid*cough*] used the wrong “they’re”…)

 

Look hard, I promise it says 3:50 p.m.

 

(My thanks to Dusty for finding this picture, and my apologies to Jeremy for also writing what almost amounts to a blog about TNA Bound For Glory.) So what we have here are the leaders of TNA (and we know this because one of them has the TNA World Title), Jeff Hardy (a WWE guy), Abyss (a loser, a dirtball and total bush-league hack who would get booed out of IWA-MS), and Jeff Jarrett (a simpleton who couldn’t draw a dime with a fucking dime-shaped stencil). They are feuding with “Slow and Steady” Sting, D’Angelo “Better Than This” Dinero, Samoa “Don’t Call Me the New Sting” Joe, and “Twittering” Kevin Nash WHOOPS KEVIN NASH IS LEAVING.

I wonder if they’ll get into an altercation with Fortune, featuring some of the once-brightest acts in professional wrestling — AJ Styles (no longer a dork, that’s Eric Young), Matt Morgan (from that Fox show that might get canceled), Douglas Williams (who lost to Jay Lethal at Bound For Glory as a backdrop to Dusty’s favorite angle, the Shore) Kazarian (the modern-day Paul Roma; you can put a suit on a jobber, but he’ll still be a jobber) and poor, poor Beer Money, all led by “I Don’t Wrestle Clerks from Walmart… At Least Not Current Ones” Ric Flair.

But who would want to wrestle those chumps after they lost to EV2, a bald/balding/bleeding/barf-inducing group of aging, degenerating former hardcore wrestlers (being shown up each week by Abyss, who doesn’t even do anything that hardcore, hence the aforementioned IWA-MS boo-fest), led by Mick Foley (the original Abyss in almost every category of consideration, other than Wade Keller fawning on him) and consisting of Tommy “Do We Have Any Spare T-Shirts?” Dreamer, Sabu, Chubby Raven, Stevie “Can’t Pay the Bills With Potential” Richards and “Not Even Good Enough to Team With Jesse Neal” Rhino. And I guess Rob Van Dam, for whom people still chant, because he’s awesome.

These are the men fighting for control of TNA, all with Hulk Hogan On Crutches leading the way and Eric “Is It Sturgis Time Yet” Bischoff pulling the strings, except he’s really not. Is it sad that the best news to come out of Bound For Glory is that Generation Me got new outfits? -Eric

TNA Is Asinine

I cannot even properly explain this story because Meltzer has the typing ability of a five year old asperger’s sufferer getting hit on the head with a sledgehammer, so I’ll do the best I can here. Apparently, there is some epic power struggle going on right now in TNA between Vince Russo, in all his worldly glory, and the people who run TNA’s website.

I guess what’s happening here is that Russo booked an angle on the television show for Brutus Magnus and Desmond Wolfe, but on the website, they were advertising Generation Me in the same spot, so now something as simple as who is going to wrestle in a wrestling match is up in the air. Have I pointed out lately what a total joke TNA is? The booking team and the website team should be in perfect harmony as to what is going to be happening and they can’t even get that right.

It’s fucking simple to advertise the wrestling match that is going to happen. You simply list the two wrestlers or teams that are fighting, and there is no step B. That’s fucking it. Instead, because TNA is a fucking joke and a science experiment to see how long a company with zero brain cells between everyone in power can last before people realize what’s going on, they have left a mystery that not even Matthew Lesko can get to the bottom of. Life is ridiculous and I want to burn someone’s house down. – Dusty

%d bloggers like this: