@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

derailed

AJ Styles, Dixie Carter and Magnus opened the show with the now normal fifteen minute talking segment. This segment was a perfect example of why the WWE will not be hiring AJ Styles. We all know that the WWE likes bigger men but if they are exceptional in the ring, they’ll bring a smaller man on board. CM Punk and Daniel Bryan are perfect examples of this exception. I think that Styles is good to very good in the ring. A step or two below exceptional. That aspect isn’t what showed up in this segment though. AJ Styles bombed during this segment. The WWE knew that CM Punk could talk already but they took a chance on Daniel Bryan and it has paid off. AJ Styles has been in the spotlight for years in TNA and his verbal skills haven’t followed the path that Bryan’s have during his tenure in the WWE, which has been much shorter. AJ Styles wouldn’t make it in the microphone dependent WWE.

“This is ridiculous!” were words directly out of Mike Tenay‘s mouth during the main event of AJ Styles versus Magnus on Impact Wrestling. I have never agreed with Mike Tenay more. Let’s count the ways this was ridiculous. Rockstar Spud, EC3, Jesse, Robbie E, Zema Ion, Christopher Daniels, Kazarian and Bobby Roode came out to help Magnus. Sting came out to help AJ Styles. We’ve got a nine on two which naturally means it’s an easy beat down for the heel, right? Well, that was the complete opposite of what happened. Magnus eeked out a victory. I actually felt bad for Taz during this segment because he had to sell the heel angle of this segment. The tenor of his voice was a give away that even he didn’t believe what he was saying.

The other more ridiculous aspect of this match was that they did away a time honored tradition in wrestling, having a leaving wrestler do a job to make the wrestler who is sticking around, usually a champion, look better. They did the complete opposite in this case too. The clown car in no way helped this aspect of the match. Magnus has struggled to look like he has a spine. Having him score a clean victory over AJ Styles does the trick and covers a time honored tradition. They looked a gift horse in the mouth.

The only thing that all of that interference does is make Dixie Carter look like she’s the evil owner. I will admit that I thought she finally sounded the appropriate amount of bitchy and was abusing her power in a good way. But just like the Authority and Randy Orton, they’re placing the heat on the wrong person. Magnus needs the heat, especially since he is newly turned heel after spending the last year or so in the main event mafia. Putting heat on the wrong people is, well, wrong.

The last aspect that makes the main event such a train wreck is the fact that they have spent the whole show building up feuds for next week’s Genesis “pay per view” on free television. TNA had already extended AJ Styles once to complete this story line. Why not give him enough money that he can’t refuse to show up for Genesis? Wouldn’t you think it’d be appropriate to at least have this travesty on your big show that you’ve built up for the rest of the 1:45 minutes of show you just aired? This angle is a huge fail. This segment led to Jeremy deleting Impact Wrestling from recording on his DVR and I can’t blame him. This product is on the longest skid that I can remember. I remember having hope once every six months or so but I’m pretty sure we’re past the six month threshold and having to dig out of this disaster isn’t going to make the good times come around any time soon. – Kevin

TNA Audio #1 – Me Hamburglar. You Low Rent Champion.

Look at that wacky guy, he's just so wacky!

This is a momentous occasion for Stunt Granny, as it is the inaugural edition of the uncreatively named TNA Audio Show! Every week from now until we get bored of the concept, we will do a full length audio running down the weekly happenings of TNA Impact Wrestling. This edition focuses on the January 12 episode of Impact. Contained herein includes:

-Who the hell is Matt Fanatic and why is he co-hosting an audio on Stunt Granny?

-An in-depth examination of the outfits worn by Sting, Bobby Roode, James Storm, Christy Hemme and others.

-What TNA is doing right and what TNA is doing wrong (hint: a bunch of stuff, but not as much as you might expect).

-Why *should* people pay 34.95 for TNA’s PPVs?

-The debut of the Family Feud segment – who were the three ugliest women on the show this week?

And a whole lot more nonsense, so if you got the stomach for it go ahead and give it a listen. You’ll get a free lollipop!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #1

Taylor Wilde is hot, indy promoter is shady, Matt Hardy is gross… is any of this news?

 

Sweet mother...

From the Department of Obvious Shit: According to Prowrestling.net, former TNA Knockout Taylor Wilde has announced her retirement from professional wrestling in order to go back to college. Good, colleges need more hot blonde chicks.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, an independent wrestling promoter (Really, what does that *mean* anymore? Independent from what? Corporate sponsors? The ability to put on a good TV show?) named Ernest Mack Shell was arrested Saturday night for failure to pay the wrestlers on his show in (haha) Brushfork, Ky., including Diamond Dallas Page and Jim Neidhart. In Shell’s defense, no one came to see DDP do yoga, and Jim Neidhart can just steal stuff for his drug money, anyway. Nonetheless, let this be a lesson to you all: An indy promoter probably won’t pay you… and Jake Roberts probably won’t send you his autograph if you give him money first.

Finally, Matt Hardy made his long-awaited (heh) TNA debut on Sunday at the Genesis PPV. Much has been said about Hardy’s makeover, but I truly believe he looks like the love-child of his mother and his father. And then he lost all self-respect, none of which he even deserved (correct, not even from himself), became a frequent customer at Cracker Barrel, faked faking being on drugs (because why flush your brother’s stash down the toilet when you can take them yourself?) and turned outwardly into the humongous piece of shit we always knew he was. Yeah, I think that’s the best way to sum up his “look.” Here’s one way not to sum it up: It’s really gonna sell some tickets. -Eric

"Aww *sniff snort* dang ol' jerks, I'mma draw monee here! I weel naht DAAAHH!"

Peace Out, Six Sided Ring

Comes with flag and championship belt!

According to PWInsider:

Say goodbye to the six-sided ring. TNA has a traditional four-sided ring set up in the Impact Zone for tonight’s Genesis PPV.

TNA had been using the six-sided ring since debuting at Universal Studios in May 2004 for their first Impact taping.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, even though the six sided ring did seem to have an invisible touch-ay… it reaches in and grabs right hold of my heart… – Dusty

Genesis Preview (Text Edition)

Michelangelo was a hell of a painter.

I was ready to bash TNA for their shoddy build up for this pay per view in the audio context but I found an unwilling crew in the rest of my comrades. I can’t say I blame them. After watching the last half of iMPACT!, I’ve at least partially changed my mind. I still think they could have used a show last Thursday to capitalize on Hulk Hogan and everyone else showing up. TNA could have also pimped the regular time slot for iMPACT! along with building the storylines to the pay per view better. From what I saw though, they did a good job of setting up the matches and focusing on them with just this one show. On to the preview even if I’m not sure Dusty’s neighbor will get it tonight.

The Pope D’Angelo Dinero vs. Desmond Wolfe – I can’t believe they are having this match. First, they make Wolfe lose three straight major matches after his debut in TNA finishing with his loss to the Pope on the Monday iMPACT! so to make up for that gaffe they had Wolfe beat Samoa Joe this week. Way to fuck up three of your future stars all at one time guys. It should be an entertaining match and no matter who wins, someone is getting kicked down the ladder too soon in their push. Winner – Desmond Wolfe.

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