Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Part of what we did this weekend.

Part of what I did this weekend.

I’m just finishing the preliminaries from UFC 173 before I do this show. I didn’t spend much time indoors this weekend so that’s what happens when you go Yard Crashers style on your place. Happy to get the work done but feeling it too. I wish it were a four day weekend. On another note, we have big announcement and we’re ramping up to it so you may see some extra content on the site this week and going forward. Time to do this show up right. Let’s roll.

Stephanie McMahon comes out and tries to be condescending about Daniel Bryan. I’m not sure there’s a performer who I switch on disliking and liking more than Steph. HHH gets the mic so that he can talk up the Evolution versus The Shield feud. Brad Maddox comes out for a brow beating or a firing. They bring out Kane to attack Maddox. After being choke slammed and Tomb stoned, Maddox gets fired. As much as I like Maddox, they weren’t giving him TV time. Maybe he can move up to the pre-show booth. (Next Day Note: Congrats to Maddox on getting both of my suggestions along with beaten up.)

Cesaro is taking on RVD again. Before the match can start, Bad News Barrett shows up. According to Barrett, we’re going to find out we’re all fat. Barrett busts out an Indian Summer reference. I didn’t realize they still use that term. RVD gets in the offense early but Cesaro takes over right before the break. Cesaro has now added the Guerrilla Press to his arsenal. RVD gets in Rolling Thunder but only gets two. RVD hits the senton off the top rope. RVD nails the plancha. Barrett goes after RVD but gets super kicked. Another thrust kick leads to a split legged moonsault. RVD with the tilt a whirl kick. Barrett distracts RVD. Cesaro German suplexes RVD for the win. Sheamus sprints down to the ring and Brogue Kicks him. So can this feud help the US Title? Sheamus could chase after losing this weekend.

Eva Marie is in the ring with Nikki Bella. That’s a little weird, right? Summer Rae comes out alone. She falls for the boot adjustment trick. Summer keeps slamming Eva’s face into the mat. Fandango shows up with Layla El. Isn’t this supposed to happen to a good guy? Eva Marie rolls her up for the win. Summer screams in the ring. (Next Day Note: Though I don’t have hate for Summer Rae like my woman, there’s no reason to feel bad for her losing this match.) Randy Orton & Batista are talking when Cody Rhodes & Goldust show up. Cody really delivered with the trash talk. We get a match between the four men later. Batista complains about the skinny jeans comment and HHH responds “You just have big legs.” Ha.

El Torito is coming out for a match against Drew McIntyre. Both clown cars are at the ring side. Ouch. That slam had to hurt. McIntyre goes for a superplex when Los Matadores try to interfere. They get attacked By Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal. El Torito pins McIntyre after some shenanigans. El Torito gets attacked by 3MB. El Torito has to pretend like the fake tail hurts when it’s removed. (Next Day Note: Can a get a showing of hands on whether it matters I didn’t have the winner to this match listed last night? Didn’t think so.)

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Wrestlemania XXX Preview: The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Andre The Giant Battle RoyalJeremy & Kevin start the second half of their Wrestlemania previews with a look at a match announced by Hulk Hogan, the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. He didn’t announce what the prize was for winning. The WWE hasn’t announced anything in the time since then. So does it matter if Big Show wins? Or will he get to continue his losing ways? Does it matter that Dolph Ziggler has been on a winning streak? How about Big E Langston who isn’t defending the Intercontinental Title? Could a returning Rey Mysterio beat the odds again? Will Kofi Kingston get to be a spot monkey? Will Sheamus Brogue Kick everyone out of the ring? Will one of the mystery guests win the Battle Royal? Is anyone speculating on who will be in the vacant spots? Jeremy & Kevin’s big question of this show though is, why are some of these other jokers getting a Wrestlemania bonus if they can’t crack one of the main television shows? Shouldn’t the over talent want an even larger slice of the pie? Both of yours hosts would so click on the link below for something we won’t earn a dime off.

 

WrestleMania XXX Preview Shows
WrestleMania XXX Preview: WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal 4-Way Match
WrestleMania XXX Preview: Bray Wyatt vs John Cena
WrestleMania XXX Preview: Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
WrestleMania XXX Preview: Brock Lesnar vs The Undertaker

Stunt Granny Audio Show #247

US-olympic-mens-hockey-team-rosterJeremy & Kevin are back for another week. They start off talking about why Kevin likes the Winter Olympics. I mean, other than the fact that hockey is the main event of this half of the Olympics. Jeremy brings the show to a screeching halt minutes in by talking about “My 600 Pound Life”. As usual, they finally get around to talking about wrestling. This week’s main topic is the athleticism being shown in the WWE. Being agile isn’t just for the little guys any more. Luke Harper is Jeremy’s main example but doesn’t forget to include Bray Wyatt. Does Erick Rowan get into this grouping or is he being protected too much? The Wyatts took on Cody Rhodes, Goldust & Rey Mysterio? We know that Cody can go in the ring but are the two old guys fitting into this new mold? Were they a look into the WWE’s future during their heyday? Did Cody really need to do the moonsault off the top of the cage? The Wyatts are also ready to take on the Shield at the Elimination Chamber. Roman Reigns is showing off some serious in ring skills that are being highlighted by the Superman Punch and the Spear. Is it more incumbent on the victim than the hitter to make that move look good? These moves look good but what is Kevin’s favorite move that Reigns does? How good is Seth Rollins? Good enough to not talk about his in ring skills? And where does Dean Ambrose fill in with this theme? And how do Jeremy & Kevin squeeze John Cena into this conversation? Find out when you click the link below!

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

fridge1My refrigerator died almost five years to the day of purchase. The Grandma Fridge hasn’t been fired up. It’s a legit 50s fridge that my fraternal grandparents purchased. When my last refrigerator died, I fired that puppy up and it worked even if it sucked down a shit ton of power. Since it’s freezing ass cold out, I decided to use nature as a refrigerator. Mother Nature comes in handy. Used to use it to keep my Mountain Dew cold while I was in architecture studio because we had a ledge and operable windows. You could keep stuff cold most nights (and days) of the spring semester since it was warm for about the last two weeks of class. Any way, enough about my weird refrigeration techniques and adventures. Let’s roll.

Randy Orton takes his time as usual. I skipped out on the early promo but was more than happy to hear Orton putting himself over with a lot of conviction. HHH & Stephanie McMahon come out to throw cold water on his parade. I’m glad Steph has really found that condescending tone in just about all of her promos now. She tells him that he’s going to wrestle Daniel Bryan and the rest of the competitors in following weeks. JBL, Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler give us the low down on the New Age Outlaws versus Cody Rhodes & Goldust. The Shield comes down through the crowd. We get more announcers recapping the cheap baby face win and the Shield’s impending feud with the Wyatt Family.

For some reason, Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston & Big E Langston are taking on the Shield. Dean Ambrose starts against Langston. Kofi takes over against Seth Rollins. Roman Reigns is the last one to join us. Kofi starts getting his ass kicked. Rey gets the first hot tag. Rollins is in the ring selling. Reigns sneaks a tag in. Tall Hart attack by Rollins & Reigns leads to a commercial. Rey sells for a while. Big E gets the 2nd hot tag. He’s taking over on Reigns. We get the finishers spot that ends in the Superman Punch. Ambrose tags in as Reigns is ready to go for the spear. Ambrose executes a move but is still getting a cheap win in my books. The Wyatts warn the Shield that they’ve made a grave mistake. Fun, creepy stuff. I really wish this would have been at Wrestlemania for my own live enjoyment.

Bad News Barrett greats us with some Super Bowl talk. Jerry Lawler smacks him down, I guess. That’s the reaction we’re being given by Mitchell Cool & JBL.

Jack Swagger is facing Christian. Zeb Colter & Antonio Cesaro are at ring side. Factiod of the night, Christian has never been in an Elimination Chamber match. A little surprising in my book since he was a king on Smackdown for many a moon. Swagger has been dominant for most of the match so far. Swagger goes for a move that he never would normally to give Christian an opening. A counter into a reverse DDT gets Christian a two count. Swagger catches Christian doing a cross body. Swagger Bomb gets countered. Christian rolls up Swagger for the win. We get recap of Brock Lesnar destroying Cody & Goldust.

Road Dogg & Billy Gunn did their introduction as usual. Cody Rhodes & Goldust did before the commercial break. I dig the no escape clause in this match but for some reason I feel this ring will get compromised since they are emphasizing no one will interfere this week. I didn’t type anything for the first break because it was standard fair. Teams taking turns, everyone getting in a little offense. Goldust is getting his ass kicked after the break. A spine buster gets Goldie an opening.  Cody & Gunn come in. Cody is on fire. The teams trade blows. Rhodes nails Gunn with the Disaster Kick. He only gets two and blows up at Chioda. Cody appears to hit a top rope moonsault but it’s on Road Dogg who is not legal. Gunn nails the Fame Asser for the win. I’m not sure why he went for that one. JBL does a decent job of covering for the choice.

Titus O’Neil comes down so we get a recap of him punking out Darren Young. Zack Ryder gets TV time in the ring. Titus is beating down Ryder. The Miz complains on the head set about not having a match then storms away. Ryder gets the knees up for a corner charge by O’Neil. Titus takes over again. Sky High for the win by O’Neil.

Earnie Ladd gets the nod for Black History Month. Fandango is in the ring with Summer Rae. Santino Marella is back for a dance off. Santino wants a dance off between someone in the audience and Summer. Emma is introduced. She isn’t really good at dancing if that’s all she’s got. Emma does the arm thing. The audience is confused. They decide to cheer for Emma any way. Stupid.

Sheamus has a match against Curtis Axel. Ryback is at ringside. Sheamus is taking Axel to task early. Sheamus clothes lines Axel off the ring apron. Sheamus puts his head down so Axel knees him in the shoulder. Axel tosses him into the post. Axel continues to work it over. Sheamus makes a come back with a barrage of punches and clubbing blows. Brogue Kick. Ryback talks trash to him.

I’m sure Batista is making another fashion faux pas by wearing a jean jacket. Before he can utter a word, Alberto Del Rio comes down. Why is Del Rio taking Cena’s material from the Rock feud? Batista tries to get Del Rio to go away but Del Rio decides to attack.

R Truth, Xavier Woods & Dolph Ziggler are taking on Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper & Erick Rowan. Woods starts against Rowan because his team mates don’t really like him. Truth & Woods double team him to get the upper hand. Harper gives Truth a big boot. Ziggler gets a hot tag in a so far boring match. Ziggler goes for the big DDT and gets a two count. Ziggler goes for the sleeper but is bucked off. Harper nails him with the big clothes line. Sister Abigail for the win. I’m not sure why Ziggler’s video got internet push over the weekend. I heard similar stuff in his TV promos. The Shield gives a verbal brow beating to the Wyatts. Believe In The Shield. Wyatt says he welcomes the war. See now this is where I say, why anyone think the Wyatts do actually have the clout to beat the Shield? In some ways, it should be a David versus Goliath match up.

Naomi is taking on Aksana. AJ Lee gets to throw on a head set. She goes cocky while Cool prods her. Aksana executing solid looking suplex. I did get a kick out of AJ calling Naomi a baked potato. A pin by Aksana goes awry because she kneed Cameron in the face. Split legged moonsault for the win. Alicia Fox tries to attack but Cameron catches her. Rear View for those at home that love it. Trin is going to have a nice shiner.

Nice of the WWE to let me blow through the entrances of Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton since they were followed by a commercial break. So far, no acknowledgement of the numerous Punk chants. Orton is taking the early phsyical edge without doing much damage. Bryan knees him. Dragon Screw Leg Whip. Bryan starts working over the left leg. Orton’s legs takes several blows to the knee to the ring post. Orton bites Bryan to get out of another hold. Bryan goes back to the injured leg. I hate the butt crash onto the leg. Bryan tosses Orton over the announce table and onto Mitchell Cool. Bryan tosses him in the ring. He goes back to work on Orton’s leg. Top rope head scissors only gets a two count. It’s weird because the announcers are taking center stage. Everyone seems to have traded usual opinions. Cool just selling Orton’s toughness. Bryan strategically kicks Orton. Bryan goes for a single leg crab. Orton tries to get to the ropes but Bryan drags him back to the middle. Orton slides outside the ring. Bryan goes out and pays for it. Back drop onto the barricade to turn the tide. The match feels like a baby face set up for Orton because of how much of a beating he took early. The baby face’s early offensive flurry doesn’t usually last that long. Bryan is kicking Orton in the middle of the ring after the break. Orton counters into a T Bone suplex. “Now that’s the champ!” exclaims Cool. That’s a baby face description not a reviled heel champion. Bryan gets tossed into the ring post and stairs but to his shoulder. Strangely, he’s going after the right arm. Moments later, Cool says “Couldn’t care less about anybody.” Make up your fucking mind. Are you for him or against him? Bryan nails Orton with a top rope drop kick but hurts his own arm. They trade blows. Orton tosses Bryan into the mat. Bryan gets on the Yes Lock. Orton gets a leg on the ropes. A great match like this is best for business. Orton gets drop kicked but returns fire when Bryan goes for number three. Hanging DDT. Bryan kicks Ortonas he’s going for the RKO. Air Goat  for two. Bryan nails the head kick. Kane comes down to ring side. Bryan drop kicks him off the ring apron. Randy Orton gets dumped outside. Bryan nails both with a suicide dive. Kane attacks again but Bryan tosses him into the stairs. Bryan nails the running knee for the win. Orton & Kane attack Bryan. Kane’s fire works go off late. Woof. Never screw up at the end. Always makes it seem worse than it really is. – Kevin

@WWE Children’s Book Ideas

50th-birthday-cakeIt was announced that the WWE has signed a deal with DK Publishing to produce eighteen books over the next three years. According to MarketWatch.com

two upcoming commemorative books WWE 50: Celebrating 50 Years of Sports Entertainment, which chronicles the company’s 50 year history and 30 Years of WrestleMania, the ultimate guide to WWE’s annual pop-culture extravaganza. DK will also publish new line of children’s books focusing on the careers of John Cena, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and other top WWE Superstars.

Both of the commemorative books sound pretty damn cool. I’m sure you will have seen some of that information before but they always seem to turn up a little something more every time. The eye catching part to me though is the line of children’s books. They mention that John Cena and “The Rock” will get books but we don’t know their titles. May I suggest:

Dwayne The Rock: Too Cool For School – How One Superstar actually got out of the Biz. Inspiration here.

John The Bachelor: John’s Big Bachelor Pad (My First Bella Twin Experience). Inspiration here.

That also means that there will be fourteen other books. Let’s see if I can guess the other fourteen titles:

Daniel Hears a YES! by Dr. Bryan. Inspiration here.

Diary of a KSU Grad: Kick To The Head – The Story of Dolph Ziggler. Inspiration here.

Roderick Rules: The Story of a Company the WWE Won’t Acknowledge. Inspiration Here.

Jake & Scott: No News Is Good News Because That Means We Haven’t Relapsed. Inspiration here.

Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky I Am For Getting This Many Chances? By Alberto Del Rio. Inspiration here.

AJ Lee Wardrobe Malfunction

She is an odd one. But also hot. From wrestlingnewssource.com.

There Was An Odd Diva Who Got a Tattoo by AJ Lee. Inspiration here.

Rob Van Dam and the Grower’s Stoned. Inspiration here.

Randy Orton and the Chamber Pot of Gym Bags. Inspiration here.

Brie & Nikki’s How To Dress Like a Slutty Princess. Inspiration here.

The Superstars Employment Agency: The Future Endeavored Edition. Inspiration here.

Evan’s Not So Secret Garden. Inspiration here.

The World of Vince McMahon: The Complete When We Were Very Young and Now We Are Sixty-Eight and Trying to Bury Every Hatchet. Inspiration here.

Who do you think some of the other Superstars and titles will be? Put them in the comments below and I’ll make a full post of those ideas.

Kevin’s Blog:Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

iowa final cover

From lettermachine.org

Jeremy and Eric were dreaming of doing the above tonight in Cedar Falls, Iowa tonight. Alas, my partners in crime are now star crossed and hoping to hook up a day later. Let’s roll.

The lovers and guardians of the WWE in the form of HHH & Stephanie McMahon greet us. Trips has a decent collection of suits. They’re not too loud or overly slick. Just nice. Randy Orton interrupts their joyous announcement. Sorry Steph, people aren’t tuning in in record numbers. Steph giving the brow beating to Orton before she gives us a video package. Her line of anger is perfect but it’s making their characters really weird. Why are they waffling between baby faces and heels? HHH is playing it right too. I hate when I love the material but not the logic. HHH gives Orton another match against Kofi Kingston. He’s also making him apologize to John Cena. Batista makes his entrance. He soaks up the cheers. HHH & Steph leave to leave Big Dave with Orton. The skinny jeans are not a good look. He’s back for the title. And to headline Wrestlemania. I’m starting to like the looks of the card they’re laying out.

The Shield are taking on Goldust, Cody Rhodes & Big E Langston. Big E starts against Dean Ambrose. Goldust dukes it out with Seth Rollins. Cody gets back in to work over Rollins. I do like that JBL is playing it right since he has invoked lawyers against baby face attacks that he’s mentioning Cena’s father not pressing charges. Roman Reigns is in control after the break. Rhodes gets out of it with a Disaster Kick. Big E takes the hot tag. Turning Big E baby face seems to have been a great idea. Reigns breaks up a pin. Then takes out Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Seth Rollins super curb stomps Big E for the win. Awesome looking move. I love Rollins. The Superman punch by Reigns on Cody is getting top billing though.

Daniel Bryan is in the ring getting the Yes! chants already. Bryan had a plan all along. He became the buzzard to chew on Bray’s carcass. Weird. What did you expose? He wants Wyatt one on one at the Rumble. Bray Wyatt shows up on the Titantron. I really loved his promo on Smackdown. Good come back material. He insinuates he may do something to Brie Bella.

Fandango is going against Xavier Woods with R Truth on the head set. Truth is calling Mitchell Cool, Mike Snow. As far as I can tell, everyone who has been on TV is in the Rumble match. Falcon Arrow leads to the top rope leg drop for the Fandango win. Emmataining is in the crowd again. Brad Maddox is talking to Kane. Stephanie is mad at Kane for attacking CM Punk. The baby face angle of the Authority continues. He has to apologize to Punk.

Kane hits the ring after the break. Punk’s insult was pretty weak for it to get under Kane’s skin. He requests Punk’s presence. CM Punk comes out after just enough hesitation. Kane offers an apology. Punk doesn’t accept. Brad Maddox cools off the situation. Punk gets a match against Billy Gunn. The Road Dogg gets on the head set. The NAO being heels is all the weirder in the baby face Authority move. Road Dogg tries to make sense of it, speaks well but doesn’t make a lick of sense. JBL saying Gunn is better than ever is hilarious since he wasn’t very good ever. Mitchell Cool pursuing the conspiracy angle is weird to because real evidence exists that the NAO should get a title bout. It’s a good one off, short lived feud for Goldust & Rhodes. Gunn does the missed splash routine. Road Dogg pulls Gunn out of the ring. Punk suicide dives onto Road Dogg. Punk nails the GTS. Kane comes out and tells Punk he’s the first entrance. Interesting.

I buzz thru the yearly numbers break down and the Mae Young tribute. I saw the later on Smackdown. Very nice video package. Rey Mysterio takes on Alberto Del Rio for the third time in seven days. Mysterio wipes both of them out withe a spring board moonsault onto the floor. Del Rio takes over. A rough looking kick to the head makes it a target.  Tilt-a-whirl back breaker only gets a two count. Enziguri to the ribs. The toss bounce Rey takes to the outside looks so rough.Del Rio is still beating up Rey. Why is Del Rio having so much trouble with an injured Rey? The announcers brought up his obsession with Batista. We have no reason to believe this clown can beat a gentleman more than twice Rey’s size. Rey nails a senton off the top rope but can’t capitalize. Mysterio turns a power bomb into a huracanrana.  Del Rio kicks Rey in the head. Rey back to the 619. Drop of the Dime but Del Rio grabs the rope. Del Rio counter Rey’s next move into the cross arm breaker for the win. How is that a statement for the Rumble, Mitchell? A cross arm breaker will do you no good in that match. Batista confronts Del Rio. Batista spine buster and Bomb. He looks good. A bit slimmer than before which isn’t a bad thing since he’s still massive.

Big Show comes out first. Paul Heyman comes out alone. I love the look on his face. Brock Lesnar‘s music hits. Lesnar walks to the ring and waves his hand and walks away from Show. Brock comes back out. He takes his sweet time getting into the ring. Brock fakes him out. Lesnar goes for take down. Show tosses him. Lesnar goes for another take down. Show tosses him out of the ring. Much smoother exit than Rey’s. I like the confrontation. Just enough action to not give anything away.

I missed Bad News Barrett congratulating AJ Lee on the longest reign by a Divas Champion ever.  Josh Matthews returns. AJ puts the the cake in Tamina Snuka‘s face. It has been the longest and maybe one of the dullest. Maryse was the former holder of that distinction. I’ll have to look up if Trish Stratus’s reigns were longer than 218. They are taking on the Funkadactyls. Why is Cameron starting the match again? She is getting her ass handed to her like last week. They give Naomi a hot tag this week. She can get the crowd into it but she hasn’t been pushed smoothly. AJ Lee skips around Naomi. Small package by Naomi. See that’s uneven too. Why not have her hit a real move before making the pin?

I buzz thru another video package break. I may not get done too late now. Thanks for letting me skip two segments WWE. The Usos are taking on Erick Rowan & Luke Harper. The Usos aren’t wearing their wraps they had on Smackdown. Jey Uso gets a tag and does a flying shoulder block. Jey & Harper trade blows.That arena sounds really empty right now. Rowan interferes to turn things into their favor. Rowan later tags in to work over Jimmy. He ends up taking a header into the barricade for the break. Jimmy is still getting worked over. Bray starts to talk to the crowd. I always thought that should be used more. Jimmy has got the serious moves. He’s the one that does Whisper in the Wind. Nailed a slick high flying move earlier. Jimmy takes out Rowan. Jey gets caught by Harper. Scoop slam for a two count. Daniel Bryan attacks Wyatt. Jey rolls up Harper for the win. They’re really making the Wyatts look dumb in all of this. Do they not really like them? I’m so confused.

Kofi Kingston gets to say he main evented a Raw against Randy Orton. Congrats on the achievement Kofi. There the very good chance that I missed the end of this show with how late this match is starting combined with John Cena not “arriving” yet makes me think it’s running long. Orton gives the You Can’t See Me wave. Kofi’s tights looks like they were designed by a child. Kofi doesn’t win with the SOS. John Cena hits the arena in his ring gear. Why did everyone walk into the arena tonight? No one rented a nice car? Cena attacks Orton. They start fighting through the crowd. Well, JBL describes it correctly that the fight is one sided on Cena’s behalf. Randy Orton had a get away car. Weird. Mitchell Cool was right to point out that it wasn’t a car jacking since the car drove when Orton got into the passenger side. He should be the one spouting the conspiracy theories though. They did end on time. Congratulations WWE! – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

mistakeI’m fully ready for a mistake ridden post since I’m starting to watch Raw at 10:05 PM EST. I made several mistakes just typing the title. Oh boy. I went to the Columbus Blue Jackets games against the Tampa Bay Lightning. More on those shenanigans when I do clean up duty tomorrow. Let’s roll. (Next Day Note: I did some pictures of my WWE Rumblers to give updates on the game and notice that I wasn’t going to start the review even “on time” for me. Go to @StuntGranny on the Twitter for viewing. More work to come from those little bundles of joy.)

Bray Wyatt gets an opening vignette. The Usos are waiting for Daniel Bryan and Wyatt to come to ringside. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan are with them. Bryan & Wyatt are on the offensive early against Jey. JBL mystifies Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler by asking them to define why Bryan is worse off now. Just too easy of a question for both to not answer. Jimmy gets a hot tag. Flying Usos connects. I was expecting a break. Harper & Rowan attack. The Usos do the smart thing and leave after getting in a couple of shots. I was expecting an eight man match to come from the interference. Bryan still giving submission to Wyatt. I like it. Establish the new character. Not exactly a barn burner of an opener though.

Damien Sandow is waiting in the ring for John Cena. Really? Cena doesn’t need this. Randy Orton is in action later. If he gets an equivalent match up, he’ll be taking on Kofi Kingston. Jerry Lawler makes it sound like Cena is in fear of losing as they come back from break. None of us are buying King. Sandow locks in the Royal Arch, a modified Sharpshooter. Cena is trying to sell Sandow too. You’re not even going to sell me on it. Cena pulls out a tornado DDT but only gets two. Sandow gives Cena a face plant move but only gets two. Cena locks in the STF. Sandow gets the break. Crossface by Sandow. Cena turns it into an AA. Ugh. Sandow slips out of the move twice earlier in the match. He should have seen this one coming and slipped out of it too. (Next Day Edit: I always want this spot to go to a pure jobber but that makes even less sense than having a down on his luck Sandow lose. At least they can try and build a threat instead of say, Heath Slater.)

Kane & Brad Maddox get to talk. They trade barbs on who’s doing a worse job. Maddox makes a cage match for the Usos vs Bryan & Wyatt. Kane is going to hold the key to get in. Big Show comes down to ringside.

Jack Swagger is accompanied by Zeb Colter & Antonio Cesaro. Choke slam. Squash match. Any other information needed? I didn’t think so. Big Show stalks Zeb. Cesaro gets tossed out of the ring trying to make the save. Big Show threatens him then knocks out Zeb. What a bully. Cesaro’s reaction is priceless. (Next Day Note: I like Antonio Cesaro a lot but it makes more sense for him to be the person who gets knocked out far more than Colter. I suppose this can build up a handicapped match for Show next week for the Real Americans to get “revenge” which we all know they won’t.)

“Road Dogg” Jesse James & Billy Gunn come out first. The kids know this chant. CM Punk gets the intro again. The Shield come out through the crowd. Dean Ambrose starts against Billy Gunn. Seth Rollins going with long sleeves this week for some reason. Gunn goes for the twilt a whirl slam. The kids don’t know the Road Dogg shimmy knee drop as much. Punk makes his first appearance. Ambrose goes after him. Roman Reigns gets the tag. I like Punk getting in the first shot. Punk is pretty young for getting the willy veteran name hung on him by Mitchell.

Punk gets a small opening on Rollins but continues to take the offense of the Shield. I did miss the drop kick on the outside by Reigns earlier. Thanks for a useful replay. Rollins has been called both an architect and a mechanic by Cool within this break. Which one is he? Ambrose gets tossed into the steps. Punk leg lariats Rollins. Reigns plays to NOA. Punk high kicks Reigns. The NOA walk away from the tag. Punk deals with Ambrose & Rollins but gets speared by Reigns for the loss. I’d say this is confirmation that Punk takes on HHH at Wrestlemania? Triple power bomb after the match. I like it. Bray Wyatt gets to do some preaching. I’m really liking this development in his promos. He could have used more of this in the build up vignettes. The speeches weren’t coming through as clearly in my opinion. They’re going to get redemption in the cage tonight. Cool.

From squidoo.com

From squidoo.com

The Funkadactyls are taking on Tamina Snuka & AJ Lee. Cameron starts off against Tamina. Naomi is a bad friend. Cameron is not a good wrestler. She botched running the ropes. AJ knocks Naomi off the apron. Shining Wizard by AJ for the win. Basically a squash match. Naomi comes in and makes the save. Rear View to bounce AJ out of the ring. You should have started the match dummy. Randy Orton is looking for HHH & Stephanie McMahon.

Orton instead gets Kane. The only thing Kane can control is his match tonight. Orton gets Kofi Kingston. Ha. I was right. The Ultimate Warrior is the first inductee for the Hall of Fame. Oh boy, that might be an added expense to the trip to New Orleans. Renee Young gets more camera time with Paul Heyman. He gets a video review of the Lesnar happenings. Heyman runs her down for just being pretty. Outstanding. (Next Day Edit: I like that he didn’t go blunt with her on the air head comment.) Heyman points out the obvious Zeb Colter does not equal Brock Lesnar. Heyman is not intimidated or impressed. I see Lesnar winning. Cena wins the title. We got ourselves a very serious main event at Wrestlemania even if it’s happened before.

Randy Orton is taking on Kofi Kingston. Mitchell Cool (informs us that Kofi) gets to be a spot monkey in the Royal Rumble again. Orton liked the idea of this match because he kicked Kingston down the spiral of his career. Evidently I missed Orton almost walking out of the match. Kofi kicks out of a superplex. Kofi gets to fight back. Kofi tries to get a count out win. What a pansy move. Orton is back in control. Chin lock of doom. Kofi gets tossed into the steps. Mitchell Cool tries to sell this as “Not a walk in the park”  as far as Orton’s control of this match. No wonder judges in the UFC can’t see obvious stuff. Neither can Mitchell. It’s been domination by Orton. Mitchell just said “Every rally is thwarted by Orton.” That makes his match a walk in the park! JBL calls it like it is and points out the domination. Thank you. Kingston nails the SOS for the win. I didn’t see that one coming. They were playing out how Orton was playing with Kofi. So I guess I need to say Mitchell was doing his job, huh? Orton flips out at ringside. Okay, so he’s gone from face of the company to weird flipping out guy? He attacks John Cena’s dad.

They end up loading Mr. Cena into an ambulance. JBL evens gives it the low voice treatment. Cody Rhodes & Goldust are taking on Curtis Axel & Ryback. If the WWE didn’t like Ryback’s weekend Twitter outburst, they’re not winning this match. They could lose it just because they haven’t won much as a team. No reason for them to be at the top of heap. They acknowledge the tweets. Good cover. Axel gets to beat on Goldust. Powerslam on Goldust. That looked like it could hurt. Goldust gets in a bulldog on Ryback to be able to make the tag. Cody kicks Axel in the “stomach”. Disaster Kick on Ryback. Axel rolls up Cody for two. Cross Rhodes. (Next Day Edit: The WWE is in Wrestlemania mode, aka our writers give a shit from January until the beginning of April, but the tag champs don’t have anyone in their sites except other baby face teams. The Real Americans and Rybaxel lose all the time.)

Rey Mysterio is taking on Alberto Del Rio. They use this time to talk even more about the returning Batista. Mysterio nails the 619 but Del Rio catches him trying to Drop the Dime. Del Rio locks on the cross arm breaker for the win. I may not agree with Del Rio chance #475, but if you’re going to go with it, have him beat someone who is respected like Rey Mysterio. Del Rio calls out Batista. I still think he doesn’t deserve to lose to Batista. (Next Day Note: You already said you don’t like him getting chances. No need to pound the point home a sentence later.)

CM Punk tells Kane that HHH doesn’t need to hide from (him). Punk has the chance to headline Wrestlemania by winning the Royal Rumble match. Oh my lord, what a terrible lead in. I was expecting an interview. Not a pre-recorded video that looked kind of silly in a wrestling context. (Next Day Note: Yep, things were going down hill as the night wore on. The Usos promo was a nice try at something different but didn’t come off well.)

Daniel Bryan & Bray Wyatt came down before the break. The Usos come out second. Kane comes out and locks the door. How about these cookies? I didn’t see this main event coming. (Next Day Note: The WWE is putting it’s new talent out there for main events. Congrats to the Usos for making it.) Jimmy Uso took a rough looking spill into the cage on a back drop. Jimmy tries to get out but his brother is down. Terrible strategy. Russian Leg sweep off the ropes. They should be tired early with the action at the top of the show. An Uso did a Whisper in the Wind. Tree of Woe drop kick by Bryan. This is not yet awesome (Crowd chant). Double belly to back suplex on Daniel Bryan from the ropes. Super kick by Jey on Wyatt saves Jimmy from Sister Abigail. The Usos take too long trying to get out. Bryan falls into Wyatt who goes crotch first on the ropes. The Usos drop to the outside to win. Jimmy & Jey get out of ring side after being attacked. Wyatt is saying something to Bryan. He whispers to him again. Bryan looks like he’s going to take Sister Abigail again but pushes off. Wyatt asks him to attack. He doesn’t. Bryan dodges a charge and attacks Wyatt. The crowd goes ape. Daniel Bryan is back? Was he really gone? Running knee to finish of Wyatt. Interesting turn of events. Did the WWE actually cave or was this always a planned short stint? I’m guessing we may never know. – Kevin

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