Get under the covers with Greg “The Hammer” Valentine

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See, because when her weight is up, she looks like Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, and not at all like what she would want you to believe she looks like, which is 1996 Sunny. Such is life. – Dusty

56 Days of WrestleMania – WrestleMania 2’s Best Matches: Results

To the surprise of no one, the landslide victor in WrestleMania 2 voting was the British Bulldogs vs. the Dream Team of Brutus Beefcake and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. OK, so most people don’t list “Brutus Beefcake” in their Top 850 Technical Wrestlers of All Time, but he was perfectly capable of having one-fourth of a good match on this night. Second place goes to the main event, Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy in a steel cage. Now, either due to WWE copyright restrictions or because the match really wasn’t all that good, the full contest is not available on YouTube, so as a mea culpa, let us offer you the next best thing:

Stunt Granny Audio #196

This week it’s a three man booth as Eric, Kevin and Dusty combine their resources to discuss the latest happenings in the world of professional wrestling. While Dusty was the only person on earth who enjoyed Booker T’s commentary, the trio all agree that it is for the best for him to move on to being the general manager on Smackdown. They also talk about just how bad ROH is lately, with their unique brand of fat guys in t-shirts wrestling for belts that mean nothing, and Jim Cornette seemingly losing the magic touch by the day. They also turn their attention to TNA, and agree that it has largely been actually good lately, with one glaring, crack addled elephant in the room preventing perfection. All this and so much more, so spare an hour of your life, because while you probably *will* regret it, they want you to and have mob connections, so you’ll be forced to eventually anyway.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #196

Headlines: Illiterate Bob Holly hires ghost writer, WWE floats legends reality TV show plan

"Mouth Breather" Bob Holly

According to Prowrestling.net, Bob Holly, aka Hardcore Holly, aka Big Bald Hick #1 (that team would have drawn money in Smoky Mountain Wrestling) will be the subject of a biography, released by ECW Press in about a year and a half. Yeah, because it’ll take a year and a half for Bob Holly to recount all of the riveting tales of his childhood, from catching carp with a screwdriver tied to a pole, to weightlifting with buckets of sand to make his 8-man high school football team, to the struggle for literacy to be able to read his own biography.

Not only that, but Holly promises stories you never thought you’d hear. This is Bob’s book report:

I will talk about things no one has dared to talk about. It will be written in a very unique style thanks to Ross Williams who I’ve chosen to write my story. I believe this book will be an interesting and entertaining read. You will definitely want to read this book not only for what I am going to share but the exceptional brilliant style of writing Ross uses when putting words on paper.

Yes, Bob, that’s what happens when people write, words go on paper, good job! I can’t wait to hear his stories about Vince McMahon: “Mr. McMahon has an office in a tall building in Conneti.. Conneti… … … up north. Mr. McMahon offered me a job. He has nice suits. Mr. McMahon isn’t mean like people say he is. He didn’t even fire me after I played with BB’s big boobs or beat up two rookies. I’d like to work for Mr. McMahon again.” F-plus.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, WWE is asking for votes on five potential titles for an upcoming reality series where WWE legends live together in a house. The titles are awful and deserve no space here in this sacred ground known as Stunt Granny, but think of the possibilities of the plots. Make them all keep a job like in “The Real World” or “Jersey Shore” and watch them work indies for 35 paying fans. What’s this? Sgt. Slaughter and Mae Young are in the hot tub?? Get a camera out there! Iron Sheik and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine are planning a road trip? Check their luggage! As long as Scott Hall comes to visit Kevin Nash, that means Hall will be under surveillance for a while. -Eric

Hulk Hogan to take stories on road, Ultimate Warrior’s head explodes

hulk hogan

They're not paying him to listen, they're paying him to talk!

And to show how much more people care about that lying, stinking, rotten Hulk Hogan than they do the pious, sinless, holier-than-thou, do-no-wrong, follow-my-Destrucity first-stone-caster Ultimate Warrior, according to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan has signed with The Agency Group to produce a new stage show called “In Conversation: Outside the Ring with Hulk Hogan.” Hogan and some of his friends, lackeys and mules like Greg Valentine, Brian Knobbs and Brutus Beefcake (in that order?) have gone on mini-tours and one-offs in 2010 under the name “Hulk Hogan and Friends,” appearing at small theaters to take questions from audience members, clips from which have popped up on YouTube. Dot Net says this new tour will feature:

“about an hour of semi-scripted stories and behind-the-scenes stuff, synced up with video and pictures, stuff that he wants to share with his fans and will be exciting for them to hear from him — personal stories, stories about matches and his career.”

This sounds interesting to some extent, and believe it or not, I would go to this if it came to Des Moines. But probably not West Des Moines. Hogan has lived 10 lives in the wrestling business and has done and experienced more backstage and in front of audiences than John Cena can ever wish upon his jean shorts for, potentially making for a fun hour of performance. Ultimate Warrior, on the other hand, is a coattail-riding piece of shit who had one match with Orlando Jordan in 2008 that translated into nothing at all, yet he has the gall to say Hogan, who still makes lots of money to this day, turns everything into shit. So I’m sure this Hogan news will send Warrior spiraling further into the filthy depths of social media (and will probably have Jake Roberts wondering if anyone will trade him an hour’s worth of stories for an eight-ball). -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/28/11

1. Chyna – The girl is back at it again and backing it up with two gay porn guys. It may not be confirmed her co-stars are gay but have you ever watched porn? No way are those guys straight. No straight male looks at his rod pistoning some sweet vagina and looks disgusted. Sure we have all had our share of pigs but even that is no excuse. – Jeremy

2. Kharma – Sticking with the boot knocking, she is pregnant. It’s not like there is a good time to have a kid but this is a bad time to have a kid. She was getting a mega-push on a national television show. If she was in TNA this would be better news since no one cares about them anyway. – Jeremy

3. Ric Flair – Can he now add fugitive to his long list of accomplishments? He owes money and autographs to HighSpots and that sentence couldn’t be funnier. The man owes signatures, ink from a pen he is holding as payment. The justice system sucks a dick. Unless of course he has to sign with his mouth like he is pushing a wheelchair.-  Jeremy

4. Hulk Hogan – He took his “Hulk Hogan and Friends” tour back on the road, trotting out such Saturday Night’s Main Event-era cronies as Koko B. Ware, Greg Valentine and the Nasty Boys to share stories about how great Hogan, Andre the Giant, Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage and Hogan are. Did you know Hulk tore up his entire back bodyslamming Andre while fearfully accepting the torch from the angry Giant? I think Pontiac Silverdome’s attendance is up to about seven hundred thousand now. – Eric

5. Eric Bischoff – He and Jason Hervey got a show concept starring Cee-Lo Green, um, green-lit; he was seen with Bill Goldberg, possibly courting him for TNA; and he spoke eloquently on why Ring of Honor’s sale to Sinclair Broadcast Group means next to nothing in the big scheme of things. Say what you will, but he’s a *busy* douchebag. – Eric

6. Carly – My girlfriend and I caught the end of Raw this week, and when she saw Rey Mysterio — black mask, black pants and dark tattoos — standing on the second rope, emotively encouraging the crowd to clap as John Cena crawled to the corner for the hot tag, she glared at the screen, paused for about half a second, then declared, “Fag.” I love her. – Eric

7. Tough Enough – We’re down to three contestants – Jeremiah, who is having problems not killing his opponent in the ring but has the best charisma; Luke, who is cockier than he should be because he’s not that special but his look definitely fits into the WWE; and Andy, who the WWE probably likes because he’s tall and they can probably give him some “vitamins” to become a monster. The finale is on Memorial Day. Too bad that the only star (re)made out of this show will be Steve Austin and possibly Bill DeMott. – Kevin

8. CM Punk – You’ve got to love this guy whether he’s performing in the ring or skewering someone on Twitter (@CMPunk, for us go to @StuntGranny). Though he proclaims to not want to get the cheers of the fans, he clearly does little and big things in the ring to get the cheers. This week, he wore pink trunks and yellow boots (a staple Macho Man color scheme) then went for the top rope elbow. If the WWE doesn’t resign him, I’m sure they’ll keep their same 3 point something rating. – Kevin

9. Jacques Rougeau – Rockin’ the newsreel lately. Peep this:

Jacques Rougeau Jr had his last match last night.

The match was the main event of the long scheduled last show of the Rougeau Gym winter/spring tour in Drummondville, saw 5000 people pack the Marcel Dionne Centre (150000$ gate). Rougeau worked a tag team match with his oldest son Jean-Jacques.

After the match, Rougeau removed his wrestling gear (Pads and boots) and threw them in the crowd. He then said that he still felt good but that at age 50, it was time to go. He said he felt that the Rougeau name would live on forever thanks to his 3 sons (more on that later) and the rest of the roster.

At a press conference after the show, he announced that he would graduate an unprecedented 20 students class in July which will double the roster size of his promotion. He also said he was considering running full-time rather than doing tours, and that he was in discussions with Quebecor about having a weekly TV show on the upcoming TVA Sports channel.

This show was marked by the return of Cedric Rougeau, the 2nd oldest son of Jacques’ who had dissapeared years ago due to “injury”. Cedric had been working matches under a mask with midgets as a kid but towards the end he had gotten too big for midget matches and too small / frail for full-sized matches. Many people had speculated that the “injury” was in fact puberty.

Well, the days of being too small for anything are OVER for Mr. Rougeau: He re-emerged, at 17 years old, as a hulking, muscular, Lesnar-sized 6’7″ behemoth. He will start working regular matches in July. If he can work, and there’s no indications showing me that he can’t, this guy will one day sell out the Bell Centre for Rougeau Gym.

Sunny days ahead for Montreal wrestling!

Here’s a family picture taken last night showing, from left to right: little Emile Rougeau (working midget matches until he gets “injured…” but the “midget” he works with seems to grow up too…they’re both larger than midgets now.), the hulking Cedric Rougeau, the smaller but talented J.J. Rougeau, and papa Jacques.

And then there’s the little matter of this video:

Thanks to Miquelio for that. – Dusty

10. Averno – WWE is playing small ball! Read:

Super Luchas reported on their cover today that Averno will be signing with WWE and most likely dropping his mask to La Mascara at CMLL’s next big show on June 17th.The story claims that he had a tryout match with WWE last fall and did well, but WWE was concerned about his age. However, Sin Cara isn’t getting over like they thought he would feuding with guys like Chavo Guerrero Sr., and so the idea is they need to bring in someone who can work his style and showcase his strengths, which Averno can do. The story claims WWE is looking at two other young CMLL luchadors as well.  
 
I’m not sure in today’s wrestling environment this is the best way to get Sin Cara over. He just needs to fight American professional wrestlers that can actually wrestle, as opposed to Chavo Guerrero. In fact, he’d be better off facing Chavo Classic at this point than Chavo Jr. An extended feud with, say, Evan Bourne could potentially elevate both of them. Obviously that is not in the cards. – Dusty
 
11. Cats are awesome – They fucking are. – Dusty
 
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