Randy Orton “attacked” by “fan” in South Africa, I use quotation marks

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE superstar and mid-main-eventer Randy Orton was attacked by a fan at a house show in Cape Town, South Africa. The video above looks like fan-cam footage (can we even call it that anymore since no one uses a “camera”?), but it was posted to WWE’s own YouTube page. Why in the hell would they draw attention to a fan attacking one of their top babyfaces, other than to show us that anyone can do it, so we might as well do it, too! (September 2 in Des Moines, hurry up and get here, I got some low-blowin’ to do!)

Furthermore, look at the defensive stance this putz takes after hitting Orton from behind. Kicking his feet behind him like a 170-pound bull. Sticking his chest out like he’s a great big man. Give me a break. Either this delusional fan thinks that’s how real people real fight, or WWE doesn’t know how to book a fan-attack angle. IIRC, Steve Blackman jumped the rail with 2 kendo sticks and a pair of wrestling boots on. But my memory is shitty these days. Come on, guys, get your story straight. In Hollywood, they call this continuity person a “show runner.” I learned this by watching commentary tracks on “The Simpsons” DVDs, so I’m really Johnny In the Know. You need to hire one. I can be one. I have a fantastic memory.

Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies has finally happened

Far be it from me to disparage people making a living but god damn I wish wrestlers would save their god damn money. How else do you explain “Pro Wrestlers vs Zombies”? The movie comes to us from writer and director Cody Knotts. He of such other low budget fare “Breeding Farm” and “Lucifer’s Unholy Desire.”   I just don’t understand when you take a meeting for a low budget movie what pitch these guys heard.

“Alright we have this cool premise guys. We mix the world of zombies and pro wrestling. It is going to be just as good as Zombie Strippers I promise. We have a budget of about $370.00 and a boatload of unfulfilled favors to cash in. The shoot will be magic. We have a shooting schedule of about three days so scheduling will be over a holiday weekend. Believe in me when I Say this will get you in to Hollywood that much faster. Well in your case Mr. Piper I should say back in Hollywood. I mean god damn “They Live” was fucking beautiful.  Now just imagine they alley fight scene but with zombies in a prison with all natural lighting and heavy metal music. How awesome right?  Sure it is an exact rip off of The Walking Dead season but the genre is ripe for some creative borrowing. Hell, The Walking Dead is a mashup of a bunch of other zombie movies. So ya with me? You ready to be a star? ”

So it may not have gone just like that but really could it be that much far off? Who needs the work this badly? Judging the entire movie from the trailer, which is the purpose of a trailer so you know, this looks terrible. Shane Douglas actually is kind of funny because he essentially is playing “The Franchise.” Other than that one item this really looks terrible. Kurt Angle continues his stellar acting gigs but there is no chance of improving over “Buffo The Scary Clown“. No really, this clip is genius.  But the acting is not going to be the worst part of this movie.

Was this flick shot with a flashlight and ketchup bottles? Sure the atmosphere appears to be the inside of a prison and if this isn’t a Kubrick experiment using only natural light then boy is this going to be hard to watch. Literally, this is going to be impossible to tell what the hell is happening.  If you can’t see the action then nothing else matters. Wait I get it now this movie is supposed to be some French Existential film on the absurdity of the zombie genre?

It has occurred to me that maybe I am just being a total dick right now. After watching the trailer for the tenth time this could be a fun movie. So let’s cut the jokes and do some actual commentary.

There are some legitimate issues with the trailer. The music is terrible and far too loud. It covers up too much of the dialogue and doesn’t enhance the action. It isn’t a matter of personal music tastes at all but the screeching 80’s metal god voice is not good for the small amount of time given. Just straight music with no lyrics would have been a better choice.  The lighting of the film, from what was presented, is a big problem. Scenes are just too dark. The shadowing makes it difficult to see the action. I am not sure how this can or even will be addressed in post production but it needs some attention. The acting is about what you should expect from a low budget horror flick starring professional wrestlers not named Dwayne Johnson so that gets a pass.

Guess there is not much else to be said until the final product is released. Make sure and stop back on Stunt Granny as it will be reviewed. (Take that as a request  for a screener copy) -Jeremy

Hulk Hogan claims he was offered a spot in Metallica, I herniate myself laughing at the thought

In an interview with NME.com, world champion pro wrestler and maybe-above-average bassist Hulk Hogan claims he was very nearly a member of the band Metallica. Read on, because this is rich:

The wrestler, who stars in his own reality TV series Hogan Knows Best, said that he used to be close mates with the metal titans’ drummer Lars Ulrich during his days as a session musician.

He told The Sun: “I used to be a session musician before I was a wrestler. I played bass guitar. I was big pals with Lars Ulrich and he asked me if I wanted to play bass with Metallica in their early days but it didn’t work out.”

I don’t even know what to think of this asshole anymore. And yes, that could apply to both Hogan and Ulrich. First of all, yes, Hulk Hogan is a bass player, so I’ll immediately concede that point. Second, this story has made its rounds for about a year now, but the legend of 14 Ultimate Warriors has been around since I was 10 years old. Now’s where I start poking holes in the story. One, Metallica was based out of Los Angeles, Calif., and formed in 1981. By this time, Hogan was already a fixture in the AWA, and even though he also wrestled for New Japan and could conceivably have had a home in L.A. for easy travel, I still call bullshit. Second, by the time we know for sure Hogan made it out to Hollywood – late 1981 or early 1982 – Metallica was basically established and not looking for a $14,000-per-movie touring pro wrestler like Hogan to play bass.

Third, and most importantly, Hulk Hogan is the type of guy who would sit in an empty room and paint a face on the side of his hand with lipstick and a permanent marker just to have someone to lie to. How heavy was Andre the Giant when Hogan pressed him over his head, brother? 850 pounds? And how many people did he do it in front of? 900 infinity million, dude? To call Hogan a “consummate bullshit artist” is an insult to consummate bullshit artists; this guy is the fucking Mad Libs of cockamamie. “Yeah, brother, I was supposed to (verb) with (proper noun), but an (adjective) (noun) wouldn’t let me/wouldn’t give me the (absurd dollar figure) he should have, dude!”

So anyway, I would take this news with a grain of salt big enough to send you into cardiac arrest. I won’t believe it until Lars Ulrich himself tells me, at which point I’ll be too busy slapping him for the awful quality of “St. Anger.” -Eric

WWE Finds Replacement For myNetworkTV

These are supposed to be WWE superstars or so it said.

These are supposed to be WWE superstars or so it said.

Our old friends at PWTorch.com had a breaking news story about WWE and WGN striking a deal to broadcast a new show starting in 2009 a few days ago. Why are we just now getting to it? Well, we are all insanely busy and popular and don’t have to answer questions like tat so, screw.

WWE, who is still on a nostalgia kick, has named the show “Superstars” in the thin attempt to market their lackluster roster as such. Let’s be honest though; this new show is nothing more than tryout period for WWE on WGN. If it goes well they will pull Smackdown in a heart beat as their current network sinks faster than a Russian sub in the Barents Sea.

The move to myNetwork TV was such a bad idea that the fledgling network’s only highly rated show is Smackdown. It has no other marketable shows and no sports coverage to speak of. It gets no penetration in some major markets and when it does no one knows where to find it. It was a ridiculously bad move to change a highly rated program on a failing network for another network with a horrible name but then it is WWE and their decision making over the last, oh, four years has been suspect.

Seriously, they moved to a network that plays a C.O.P.S. rip-off and glorifies “movie of the week” broadcasts. This wouldn’t be so bad if the movie of the week was an actual Hollywood movie and not a piece of shit made on a camcorder with the locals and then digitally enhanced to make it look real like it was filmed on film.  Trust me,I would know. -Jeremy

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