#ROH Is The Worst Part XIV

scarlette-johanssen-mullet

Scarlett Johansson can get away with a mullet. Michael Elgin can not.

“Unbreakable” Michael Elgin got mic time to address the Ring of Honor World Title Tournament. They ended up bringing out four of the favorites for the tournament. The other three were Kevn Steen, Mike Bennett and Tomasso Ciampa. I would imagine ROH would call these guys the face of ROH. I’m going to break down why this segment stunk and why each of these guys wouldn’t even be given a B+ from HHH.

Michael Elgin’s look is terrible. Mullets are just a bad hairdo. Trust me, if you look hard enough I’m sure there’s a picture of me with one floating around the internet. Once I got out from under my parent’s roof, it was gone. That was in 1994. Elgin feels differently though and has been letting his mullet grow out. To make matters worse, he’s going bald and you can clearly see his bald spot coming in. You’re not Donald Trump, you can’t get away with a whacky hairdo that is unexplainable. Shave your head and be done with the charade of a hair cut you have. His shirt is even worse than anything the WWE puts out, which is saying something. First off, on the front of the shirt is a skull with chains surrounding it. The design looks like a rough draft for what the shirt should look like, not the final product. At the bottom is Elgin’s slogan, #Elginmode, which would be fine if I had heard about it before he was sporting this shirt on this week’s program.

Kevin Steen was the next one out. I do like the his “Guilty” shirt but his look is still terrible. HHH made fun of Daniel Bryan’s physique (at least according to WWE.com is 5′-10″ and 210 lbs.) for being scrawny and small. What would he say about Kevin Steen who judging by his shirt (Because ROHwrestling.com only has his weight) is 6′-0″ and 240 lbs? And trust me, I understand that HHH wouldn’t be running down Bryan’s physique if he weren’t as over as he is. He’d do it to Steen to see if he was “Tough Enough” to take the verbal beating in public. Or maybe Michael Cole could give him the “Ferrari engine in a tank’s body” moniker since Bray Wyatt is now following buzzards all day which has got to slim his physique a little bit. Though Steen has mic skills, he seems to waste them. Steen makes similar jokes to John Cena which makes it even funnier that “smart” wrestling fans cheer for him. Another display of wasting his mic skills was his utter apathy to trying to turn the fans against him when he was trying to get Jim Cornette out of the company. The fans were hanging on his every word yet he did nothing to try and make them turn against him like a logical story line would dictate.

Mike Bennett was the next out and talks about all of the opportunities Elgin & Steen have been given by management. If he had been paying attention, he would see they weren’t handed opportunities. Steen was, as already noted, raging against the machine known as ROH with Jim Cornette at the helm. Elgin on the other hand had to subvert the entire House of Truth just to cash in his opportunity from Survival of the Fittest to get his title shot. I wouldn’t call either of those situations “having it handed to them multiple times by management”. He could be the future of ROH but his look has gotten worse during his re-imaging. One would think with a looks driven model like Maria Kanellis at your side, you would make better decisions. Trade mark hair? Let’s shave it all. Pretty boy look? Let’s get some terrible tattoos. I’ve revamped the rest of my look so naturally you’d change your trunks, right? Why would my fashion designer girlfriend not design me a pair? Nope, let’s keep them shiny silver and purple and the same cut. Ugh.

Tomasso Ciampa was the last one out. He has an awesome look. He exuded his “Sicilian Psychopath” attitude by going nose to nose with the rest of the competitor’s before saying “Your next ROH World Champion, Tomasso Ciampa” then stomping out of the ring. His underdeveloped mic skills makes him ripe for manager but he had a way too short feud with R.D. Evans (who booted him to the curb for his real life ACL surgery) and Q.T. Marshal so Evans is not an option. Prince Nana got unceremoniously unseated by R.D. Evans in his own Embassy Faction so Ciampa could go back to him but Nana is nowhere to be found these days. Ciampa could help re-build the House of Truth but he’s too busy pushing Hoopla Hotties and Matt Taven to be worried about adding to his stable. So Ciampa’s got to depend on under-developed mic skills which might be one of the reasons he got released from WWE Developmental.

So, if Daniel Bryan is a solid B+, let’s figure out HHH’s final grade for this quartet. Michael Elgin is in shape, strong as an ox but looks worse than Billy Ray Cyrus twerking on a stuffed animal – Grade C. Kevin Steen is out of shape, short, can’t wrestle all that well and has mic skills – Grade C+. Mike Bennett – Good physique, solid mic skills and overhaul-able looks AKA the Randy Orton tattoo special AKA covering up bad tattoos a la Fire Crotch on Tattoo Nightmares – Grade A. Tomasso Ciampa – Good look, good demeanor and terrible mic skills – C. That is ROH’s top 4 for their World Title. ROH is the Worst. – Kevin

#ROH Is The Worst Part X

Surprise+Surprise+with+Holly+Willoughby

Holly Willoughby from Surprise, Surprise.

Well I’ll be damned. Ring Of Honor put on a good show. Caprice Coleman & Cedric Alexander took on a debuting Alex Reynolds & John Silver. Most teams in their first match aren’t good but they performed admirably. The next match on the docket delivered too, Veda Scott taking on Ms. Chif. Even though Ms. Chif ended up winning the match, Veda Scott showed much improvement from when I saw her at Wrestlelution. She only had one year of experience at that point and has pretty much doubled that in the mean time. Very good match with a very good opponent. The third match of the show was Silas Young taking on Adam Page, another new comer. Young got to cut a promo before the match so one would assume that he was going to get the win. You would be wrong. Page ended up winning with a victory roll which made things really odd. Young had won more of the match and got the mic time so why let him lose? I only count this match as a victory because the match itself was really good. The main event was Eddie Edwards taking on Matt Taven. Kevin Kelly & Steve Corino hit Taven’s problem directly on the head when they said that his entourage of Turth Martini & the Hoopla Hotties (Scarlett is pretty damn hot) take away from how good of a wrestler Taven is. When the announcers do something right, you’ve got to give it to ROH for a good show. To boot, the min ring product did have a high quality. One part of all of these matches was that they weren’t very “ROH” in that people didn’t kick out of multiple finishers and they didn’t exchange an obnoxious amount shots. Congratulations ROH, you got one right. -Kevin

#ROH is the Worst Part IX

hoopla_shirtI know this image has already taken a tour thru the internet, most notably on a certain Facebook page not named Stunt Granny. I held off on commentary because how does this not scream “ROH is the Worst”? Jeremy had asked me to review it before I saw the post on Facebook but had forgotten about it until I started mowing through my back log of episodes. Jeremy & I had gone back and forth about whether this shirt was even worth buying for a goof but we both agreed we’d be feeding into the abyss of terrible that is ROH so we wouldn’t even buy it as a gag. Sure enough, in the first episode I watched from 1 June, some tool in the first row already had the shirt.

With my memory thoroughly jogged, let’s get on to breaking down this absolute train wreck. They’re going for a crass (I can’t think of a better word because it’s not outrageous or shocking or trying to appeal to the ladies) with this gimmick so one would think they wouldn’t be shy with the design. The Os in Hoopla scream to be used as a highlighter for her boobs. But ROH designers don’t even feel the need to put any type of definition into the silhouette. They need to at least highlight some of the curves if she’s going to be a hottie. The other option is to capitalize on the mini-hula hoop craze that hit Youtube last year and show the silhouette hula hooping. The word Hoopla Hottie could have even been used inside the hula hoop even if the font would have been smaller than the real shirt.

On the back of the shirt, it has the statement “Take Your Pants Off” which of course then shows a top hat. I understand that Truth Martini needs to be involved since it’s his gimmick and the Mad Hatter hat is part of his schtick but why are you using that image? This shirt is about the women that are around Martini. How could you not use a silhouette of women’s pants? Since we’re being crass, lingerie would imply you got a little more off than just pants.

shirt_girl

You mean to tell me they couldn’t get one of Truth’s Hoopla Hotties to pose like this?

Beside the image, we get a picture of a tuxedo jacketed, hot pants wearing Truth Martini. He isn’t wearing his own shirt which is the point of a model. Let’s go back to my theme of this being crass. Don’t you think that the same tool that already bought this shirt would like a picture of a Hoopla Hottie wearing this Daisy Duke style and knotted at the stomach? Or they could go “Pants off” and have her wearing the shirt without any pants on. ROH can’t even get a t shirt design right. ROH is the worst. -Kevin

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