Stunt Granny Audio Show #200

Wow! What a special edition of Stunt Granny Audio! We made it to 200 (and change, let’s be honest here), and we brought the four-man pain! Dusty, Jeremy, Kevin and Eric discuss CM Punk vs. John Cena headlining WWE Hell in a Cell, the Daniel Bryan-Kane tag team being an indicator of the current-day tag team scenario, TNA Impact Wrestling being re-upped for three more months of live TV (and we want to know why), and even Chikara’s King of Trios weekend, featuring, yes, Meng, the Barbarian, the Warlord, and Aldo “Tell Me When on the Parmesan” Montoya. All that, and the Mount Rushmore of Snack Foods, if you’d just click to listen! It’s special! Very special! As special as a two-headed girl!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #200

TNA Audio #3 – Bleep you Michigan, Wisconsin is the mitten

Ref Hardy will make a disturbing face at you if you do not listen.

Our intrepid heroes Dusty and Matt continue their slog through everything TNA, this week focusing on the January 26 edition of Impact. Included herein:

-Dusty imagines a Mike Tenay-free universe

-Someone in TNA either thinks that Eric Young is actually funny, or knows that Dusty and Matt hate him and like torturing them with him

-Why TNA needs to either shit or get off the pot when it comes to being a taped show

-Why Sting is an ineffectual authority figure

-An examination of whether even TNA knows what they’re doing with their main event scene right now

And a whole lot more nonsense, and it’s only worth an hour of your time, so you need to download this immediately, or else!

 

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #3

Stunt Granny Audio #163

Kevin and Dusty just want to say hello with Stunt Granny Audio #163. Therein they dissect the happenings of the ghoulish Halloween edition of Monday Night Raw. What did our heroes think of the integration of the Muppets onto the program? Does the Rock convey “old” better than any wrestler since Hulk Hogan? What was up with the terrible production values on this show? Who smokes more, Kate Moss, Morton Downey Jr. or AJ? What wrestler has had a Heath Slater amount of losses on television the last couple months? Are the Pittsburgh Steelers the most interesting team in the NFL? Why does John Cena *always* have to win? They delve into these issues and so much more, and it’s only going to cost you about an hour of your time, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny Show #163

TNA Potpourri

Doctors say she needs a faceotomy!

Man, I hate TNA. Have I ever mentioned that? I just wanted to make sure.

Sarah “Sarita” Stock is currently out of action due to facial paralysis. He missed her match last night in Pachuca, Mexico, as well as tonight’s show at Arena Mexico. No word if she will be ready by Monday’s television tapings in Orlando. She is not scheduled for Sunday’s PPV show.

Now, my life is predicated on two things and two things only. One is that I always have an abundant supply of spaghetti to, uh, eat. Yeah that’s it. The other is to have the ability to move my face. So, you know, that’s gotta really suck.

TNA Impact rating was a 1.1.

They could have Jesus come down and deliver Abyss a pizza and I’m not sure they would get beyond a 1.1.

What looks to be the next Impact taping on the road is scheduled for 8/25 in Huntsville, AL, at the Von Braun Center.

I recognize the Von Braun Center as a regular Superstars taping locale back in the day. I wonder also if Hardcore Holly will be in attendance there. I wonder why they haven’t brought him in yet since a) they bring absolutely everyone in who has WWE on their resume at some point, and b) Russo loves those worked shoots, so it would seem natural for him to want to book a Holly vs. Mr. Anderson feud at some point. Have I mentioned how much Mr. Anderson sucks? I just want to make sure that is mentioned. – Dusty

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 6/11/11

1. Ultimate Warrior- Let’s sum up this week’s Warrior antics by simply saying he called out Hulk Hogan, essentially slandered the Hulkster, and is abusing his social media privileges by wildly saying things about another person that could get him in serious hot water. It’s a good thing Warrior doesn’t own shit except tassles and empty, decorative file cabinets, or Hogan’s potential lawsuit could cost Warrior his ass. (Maybe Destrucity will allow him to regenerate and grow a new ass.) – Eric

2. Hulk Hogan – On the other hand, Hulk Hogan has responded to Warrior’s attacks and accusations like a Real American: He’s threatening to sue. But that’s like putting a Band-Aid on throat cancer; you’re never going to keep someone as mind-boggly as Warrior quiet, so revert to your NWO days and run him over with a Hummer, or ignore him and, like the petulant 5-year-old he is, he’ll go away. – Eric

3. Matt Hardy – Apparently he is allergic to good decisions as well as red meat. Stupido posted a video of his inebriated brother using a taser gun on his girlfriend. Normally who cares but with Jeff up on drug trafficking charges maybe he shouldn’t be doing those things for public consumption. – Jeremy

4. Mick Foley – Mick and TNA have parted ways opening up the way for Mick to get back to WWE and stop slumming it. I’ll let Eric make the jokes but Mick needs to go back and replace Booker T. Wow has that idea not worked out at all. – Jeremy

5. Audio Sweetener – Someone, anyone, please teach TNA production how to use this thing. It sucks in the first place but when you try using it on 145 people it is just grating. If you amp up the cheering make sure you frame it so the tubs in the front row aren’t clearly sitting on their hands. This shit is easy. – Jeremy

6. Booker T – I think he is really good on Smackdown, so Jeremy can suck it on this. Look, when I’m watching baseball or basketball, I don’t want empty calorie cliches anywhere near my commentary. I want former players to tell me about what they would do in certain situations, what they did during certain situations, anecdotes from their playing days, why so and so always strikes out such and such, etc. But pro wrestling is different. Pro wrestling color was built on a foundation of empty cliches and meaningless yelling outbursts. Booker is funny and entertaining. I don’t look for anything else from him. The other announcers need to paint the picture. Booker is just there to add the accompanying Maddenesque “BOOM! BANG! POW!” stuff. – Dusty

7. Mick Foley – While I’m beating up Jeremy, I’ll continue with Foley here. Do you remember how absolutely terrible he was on commentary last time they tried that in WWE? Especially that ECW pay-per-view, which he almost single handedly ruined? Listen, I don’t want this guy anywhere near my television set. He has a gigantic ego, a small penis and no remaining skill whatsoever. I have his “performance” at that one Royal Rumble permanently etched into my mind, where rolling around on the mat like a bloated beached whale is what substituted for effort. So I definitely don’t want “one last match” from him. Nevermind the hypocrisy of him climbing back in the ring anyway after making such a big deal of his first retirement 100 years ago. He needs to go the fuck away. – Dusty

8. 1.0 – That was apparently the rating of this past week’s TNA Impact show, which I should note was the go-home show for the upcoming Slammiversary PPV. Even Stevie Wonder can use his voice to tell you that’s not a good rating. It’s really only a matter of time at this point. – Dusty

9. ODB – Speaking of Impact, you could apparently see ODB’s shaved vag stubble on that show on at least two separate occasions. Impact is the stuff nightmares are made of. – Dusty

10. Jinder Mahal – What do they see in this guy? What am I missing here? – Dusty

11. NBA Championship – The Heat are going to win in 7, mothertruckers. All hail King James! – Dusty

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/14/11

1. Cheese – Some people just can’t get enough of it. Some of those people should try to get less of it. – Eric

2. MVP –  He’s been all over the wrestling media in the past week, promoting New Japan’s first big visit to the U.S. In the process, he’s been very well spoken about what he liked and grew to dislike about WWE’s evolving style to more kid-friendly, PG “entertainment.” Search it all out, it’s all totally worth the read. – Eric

3. Maryse –  Hotsy totsy, did you see that picture Jeremy and Kevin posted for Stunt Granny Audio #142? If that doesn’t make you harder than a left turn in front of the mall, you have no soul. – Eric

4. Chris Harris, Mick Foley & Chyna – These three were supposed to be surprises this week on iMPACT! Since I don’t read spoilers, I was surprised by Harris’ appearance especially since it was his bloated brother that got the gig. I was surprised by Mick Foley because I assumed it would be Dixie Carter. Finally, I knew it was Chyna but was surprised that she looked somewhat with it. What doesn’t surprise me is the fact that I am completely underwhelmed with this treasure trove of surprises. – Kevin

5. Jason Bane – I know my viewing habits are a little behind for Pro Wrestling Ohio so this item could have been posted a couple of weeks ago. After going long spans for PWO Title reigns, Agent Aaron Maguire’s latest client “The Megastar” Marion Fontaine dropped the strap to “The Most Dominant Man in PWO.” It is the second time within the past couple of months that the title changed. I’ll hope that it stays around his waist until Wrestlelution. Congratulations to Jason Bane though. – Kevin

6. TNA Sacrifice – Samoa Joe is feuding with Crimson but isn’t on the PPV. AJ Styles is feuding with Bully Ray but isn’t on the PPV. Mr. Kennedy is feuding with, well, everyone, but isn’t on the PPV. Chris Harris is sad looking and out of shape and he has no feud but he is on the PPV. A guy named Max Buck is on the PPV but not having anal sex with another man. Chyna is on the PPV although she has been out of wrestling and forgotten for a long while. Order estimation- 14,000 or so. – Jeremy

7. Smackdown – Christian and Randy Orton proved to be ratings flops. As the flag carriers for the Friday night broadcast this should be troubling but then it isn’t Monday Night Raw so who cares. – Jeremy

8. Bill DeMott – Since I’m trying to push our Twitter account, I’ll pimp the Tough Enough trainer @BillDeMott since @StuntGranny follows him. My favorite tweet for this week “I have decided how I will answer all those with #Negative comments………theres your answer.enjoy the day-BD”. – Kevin

9. Living in the past – 2011 – 1997 = 14:

Hulk Hogan vs. Sting is the current plan for the Bound for Glory main event, although not etched in stone. When asked, Hogan said right now he’s 50% about doing another match, according to an interview on the “Monday Night Mayhem” radio show. “If you would have asked me two months ago, I would have said no way. If I could get six and a half months (since the most recent fusion surgery) under my belt, I’d pretty much know the answer to that. If I did land wrong or something, just don’t know if all this hardware and stuff would hold together.” Watching Hogan walking on Impact this past week, the idea of doing a match, unless it’s a tag and he’s in for one spot and never does anything that requires movement or falling, looks like a very bad idea. The guy can barely walk. Considering how badly hurt he gets every time he wrestles, this seems really sad to even consider it. Maybe for a million dollar payday you can justify the risk, but him wrestling at this stage won’t move the needle at all unless he says it’s his retirement match (wouldn’t work in storyline since he’s the heel) and goes on all the talk shows to promote it, and even then, with wrestlers and retirements, that may end up meaning nothing for business at this stage.
14 goddamn years ago. – Dusty

10. Elijah Burke – Blew this popstand:

According to TheElijahExpress.com, D’Angelo Dinero, also known as Elijah Burke, has graduated with a degree of high honors in Criminal Justice. This could have been what he was alluding to on May 13th with various tweets, including one Thursday night that read: “My time has come, It’s time to move on. I’ve served well. Hope none has been disappointed; hope my hard work has been Applauded&Appreciated
It has from here. – Dusty

11. Brother Love’s floating head – I just, there are no words:

Dusty

TNA to change name! (of its TV show… bunch of backward hillbillies)

"Meeh meeh meehhh Impact WRESTLING! Meeh meeh meeh I look like a dead animal! Meeh meeh meeh I haven't deserved a play-by-play job since 1997!"

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA will change the name of its two-hour cable television show from the obnoxious but totally Russoesque iMPACT! to simply Impact Wrestling. Apparently there is some confusion throughout the Internet Wrestling Community (or L.O.S.E.R.S., for short) as to whether this was a name change for the TV show or the entire company. But really, think about it: TNA upper management is in no way smart enough to see how god-awfully stupid their company name is and how limiting the name is to their growth. So we’re down to analyzing changing the name of the TV show, which is essentially like polishing a turd. You can doo-doo in someone’s mouth and call it a “glory bomb,” but it’s still just doo-doo in the mouth. You can call it a sexually transmitted infection, or say someone’s “developmentally limited,” but they’re still a retard, and they still have gonorrhea. (You decide what order those go in.)’

So, now we wait for the moment when Taz says “Welcome to Impact Wrestling” and ol’ Owl Face Mike Tenay shouts, “And the emphasis is on the WRESTLING! Oooh, that was stiff! I know what HE means!” followed by a 15-minute promo with Kurt Angle and his mistress, the perpetually fucked-up Chyna. T-N-A! T-N-A! -Eric

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