Stunt Granny Audio Show #200

Wow! What a special edition of Stunt Granny Audio! We made it to 200 (and change, let’s be honest here), and we brought the four-man pain! Dusty, Jeremy, Kevin and Eric discuss CM Punk vs. John Cena headlining WWE Hell in a Cell, the Daniel Bryan-Kane tag team being an indicator of the current-day tag team scenario, TNA Impact Wrestling being re-upped for three more months of live TV (and we want to know why), and even Chikara’s King of Trios weekend, featuring, yes, Meng, the Barbarian, the Warlord, and Aldo “Tell Me When on the Parmesan” Montoya. All that, and the Mount Rushmore of Snack Foods, if you’d just click to listen! It’s special! Very special! As special as a two-headed girl!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #200

TNA Audio #3 – Bleep you Michigan, Wisconsin is the mitten

Ref Hardy will make a disturbing face at you if you do not listen.

Our intrepid heroes Dusty and Matt continue their slog through everything TNA, this week focusing on the January 26 edition of Impact. Included herein:

-Dusty imagines a Mike Tenay-free universe

-Someone in TNA either thinks that Eric Young is actually funny, or knows that Dusty and Matt hate him and like torturing them with him

-Why TNA needs to either shit or get off the pot when it comes to being a taped show

-Why Sting is an ineffectual authority figure

-An examination of whether even TNA knows what they’re doing with their main event scene right now

And a whole lot more nonsense, and it’s only worth an hour of your time, so you need to download this immediately, or else!

 

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #3

Stunt Granny Audio #163

Kevin and Dusty just want to say hello with Stunt Granny Audio #163. Therein they dissect the happenings of the ghoulish Halloween edition of Monday Night Raw. What did our heroes think of the integration of the Muppets onto the program? Does the Rock convey “old” better than any wrestler since Hulk Hogan? What was up with the terrible production values on this show? Who smokes more, Kate Moss, Morton Downey Jr. or AJ? What wrestler has had a Heath Slater amount of losses on television the last couple months? Are the Pittsburgh Steelers the most interesting team in the NFL? Why does John Cena *always* have to win? They delve into these issues and so much more, and it’s only going to cost you about an hour of your time, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny Show #163

TNA Potpourri

Doctors say she needs a faceotomy!

Man, I hate TNA. Have I ever mentioned that? I just wanted to make sure.

Sarah “Sarita” Stock is currently out of action due to facial paralysis. He missed her match last night in Pachuca, Mexico, as well as tonight’s show at Arena Mexico. No word if she will be ready by Monday’s television tapings in Orlando. She is not scheduled for Sunday’s PPV show.

Now, my life is predicated on two things and two things only. One is that I always have an abundant supply of spaghetti to, uh, eat. Yeah that’s it. The other is to have the ability to move my face. So, you know, that’s gotta really suck.

TNA Impact rating was a 1.1.

They could have Jesus come down and deliver Abyss a pizza and I’m not sure they would get beyond a 1.1.

What looks to be the next Impact taping on the road is scheduled for 8/25 in Huntsville, AL, at the Von Braun Center.

I recognize the Von Braun Center as a regular Superstars taping locale back in the day. I wonder also if Hardcore Holly will be in attendance there. I wonder why they haven’t brought him in yet since a) they bring absolutely everyone in who has WWE on their resume at some point, and b) Russo loves those worked shoots, so it would seem natural for him to want to book a Holly vs. Mr. Anderson feud at some point. Have I mentioned how much Mr. Anderson sucks? I just want to make sure that is mentioned. – Dusty

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 6/11/11

1. Ultimate Warrior- Let’s sum up this week’s Warrior antics by simply saying he called out Hulk Hogan, essentially slandered the Hulkster, and is abusing his social media privileges by wildly saying things about another person that could get him in serious hot water. It’s a good thing Warrior doesn’t own shit except tassles and empty, decorative file cabinets, or Hogan’s potential lawsuit could cost Warrior his ass. (Maybe Destrucity will allow him to regenerate and grow a new ass.) – Eric

2. Hulk Hogan – On the other hand, Hulk Hogan has responded to Warrior’s attacks and accusations like a Real American: He’s threatening to sue. But that’s like putting a Band-Aid on throat cancer; you’re never going to keep someone as mind-boggly as Warrior quiet, so revert to your NWO days and run him over with a Hummer, or ignore him and, like the petulant 5-year-old he is, he’ll go away. – Eric

3. Matt Hardy – Apparently he is allergic to good decisions as well as red meat. Stupido posted a video of his inebriated brother using a taser gun on his girlfriend. Normally who cares but with Jeff up on drug trafficking charges maybe he shouldn’t be doing those things for public consumption. – Jeremy

4. Mick Foley – Mick and TNA have parted ways opening up the way for Mick to get back to WWE and stop slumming it. I’ll let Eric make the jokes but Mick needs to go back and replace Booker T. Wow has that idea not worked out at all. – Jeremy

5. Audio Sweetener – Someone, anyone, please teach TNA production how to use this thing. It sucks in the first place but when you try using it on 145 people it is just grating. If you amp up the cheering make sure you frame it so the tubs in the front row aren’t clearly sitting on their hands. This shit is easy. – Jeremy

6. Booker T – I think he is really good on Smackdown, so Jeremy can suck it on this. Look, when I’m watching baseball or basketball, I don’t want empty calorie cliches anywhere near my commentary. I want former players to tell me about what they would do in certain situations, what they did during certain situations, anecdotes from their playing days, why so and so always strikes out such and such, etc. But pro wrestling is different. Pro wrestling color was built on a foundation of empty cliches and meaningless yelling outbursts. Booker is funny and entertaining. I don’t look for anything else from him. The other announcers need to paint the picture. Booker is just there to add the accompanying Maddenesque “BOOM! BANG! POW!” stuff. – Dusty

7. Mick Foley – While I’m beating up Jeremy, I’ll continue with Foley here. Do you remember how absolutely terrible he was on commentary last time they tried that in WWE? Especially that ECW pay-per-view, which he almost single handedly ruined? Listen, I don’t want this guy anywhere near my television set. He has a gigantic ego, a small penis and no remaining skill whatsoever. I have his “performance” at that one Royal Rumble permanently etched into my mind, where rolling around on the mat like a bloated beached whale is what substituted for effort. So I definitely don’t want “one last match” from him. Nevermind the hypocrisy of him climbing back in the ring anyway after making such a big deal of his first retirement 100 years ago. He needs to go the fuck away. – Dusty

8. 1.0 – That was apparently the rating of this past week’s TNA Impact show, which I should note was the go-home show for the upcoming Slammiversary PPV. Even Stevie Wonder can use his voice to tell you that’s not a good rating. It’s really only a matter of time at this point. – Dusty

9. ODB – Speaking of Impact, you could apparently see ODB’s shaved vag stubble on that show on at least two separate occasions. Impact is the stuff nightmares are made of. – Dusty

10. Jinder Mahal – What do they see in this guy? What am I missing here? – Dusty

11. NBA Championship – The Heat are going to win in 7, mothertruckers. All hail King James! – Dusty

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/14/11

1. Cheese – Some people just can’t get enough of it. Some of those people should try to get less of it. – Eric

2. MVP –  He’s been all over the wrestling media in the past week, promoting New Japan’s first big visit to the U.S. In the process, he’s been very well spoken about what he liked and grew to dislike about WWE’s evolving style to more kid-friendly, PG “entertainment.” Search it all out, it’s all totally worth the read. – Eric

3. Maryse –  Hotsy totsy, did you see that picture Jeremy and Kevin posted for Stunt Granny Audio #142? If that doesn’t make you harder than a left turn in front of the mall, you have no soul. – Eric

4. Chris Harris, Mick Foley & Chyna – These three were supposed to be surprises this week on iMPACT! Since I don’t read spoilers, I was surprised by Harris’ appearance especially since it was his bloated brother that got the gig. I was surprised by Mick Foley because I assumed it would be Dixie Carter. Finally, I knew it was Chyna but was surprised that she looked somewhat with it. What doesn’t surprise me is the fact that I am completely underwhelmed with this treasure trove of surprises. – Kevin

5. Jason Bane – I know my viewing habits are a little behind for Pro Wrestling Ohio so this item could have been posted a couple of weeks ago. After going long spans for PWO Title reigns, Agent Aaron Maguire’s latest client “The Megastar” Marion Fontaine dropped the strap to “The Most Dominant Man in PWO.” It is the second time within the past couple of months that the title changed. I’ll hope that it stays around his waist until Wrestlelution. Congratulations to Jason Bane though. – Kevin

6. TNA Sacrifice – Samoa Joe is feuding with Crimson but isn’t on the PPV. AJ Styles is feuding with Bully Ray but isn’t on the PPV. Mr. Kennedy is feuding with, well, everyone, but isn’t on the PPV. Chris Harris is sad looking and out of shape and he has no feud but he is on the PPV. A guy named Max Buck is on the PPV but not having anal sex with another man. Chyna is on the PPV although she has been out of wrestling and forgotten for a long while. Order estimation- 14,000 or so. – Jeremy

7. Smackdown – Christian and Randy Orton proved to be ratings flops. As the flag carriers for the Friday night broadcast this should be troubling but then it isn’t Monday Night Raw so who cares. – Jeremy

8. Bill DeMott – Since I’m trying to push our Twitter account, I’ll pimp the Tough Enough trainer @BillDeMott since @StuntGranny follows him. My favorite tweet for this week “I have decided how I will answer all those with #Negative comments………theres your answer.enjoy the day-BD”. – Kevin

9. Living in the past – 2011 – 1997 = 14:

Hulk Hogan vs. Sting is the current plan for the Bound for Glory main event, although not etched in stone. When asked, Hogan said right now he’s 50% about doing another match, according to an interview on the “Monday Night Mayhem” radio show. “If you would have asked me two months ago, I would have said no way. If I could get six and a half months (since the most recent fusion surgery) under my belt, I’d pretty much know the answer to that. If I did land wrong or something, just don’t know if all this hardware and stuff would hold together.” Watching Hogan walking on Impact this past week, the idea of doing a match, unless it’s a tag and he’s in for one spot and never does anything that requires movement or falling, looks like a very bad idea. The guy can barely walk. Considering how badly hurt he gets every time he wrestles, this seems really sad to even consider it. Maybe for a million dollar payday you can justify the risk, but him wrestling at this stage won’t move the needle at all unless he says it’s his retirement match (wouldn’t work in storyline since he’s the heel) and goes on all the talk shows to promote it, and even then, with wrestlers and retirements, that may end up meaning nothing for business at this stage.
14 goddamn years ago. – Dusty

10. Elijah Burke – Blew this popstand:

According to TheElijahExpress.com, D’Angelo Dinero, also known as Elijah Burke, has graduated with a degree of high honors in Criminal Justice. This could have been what he was alluding to on May 13th with various tweets, including one Thursday night that read: “My time has come, It’s time to move on. I’ve served well. Hope none has been disappointed; hope my hard work has been Applauded&Appreciated
It has from here. – Dusty

11. Brother Love’s floating head – I just, there are no words:

Dusty

TNA to change name! (of its TV show… bunch of backward hillbillies)

"Meeh meeh meehhh Impact WRESTLING! Meeh meeh meeh I look like a dead animal! Meeh meeh meeh I haven't deserved a play-by-play job since 1997!"

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA will change the name of its two-hour cable television show from the obnoxious but totally Russoesque iMPACT! to simply Impact Wrestling. Apparently there is some confusion throughout the Internet Wrestling Community (or L.O.S.E.R.S., for short) as to whether this was a name change for the TV show or the entire company. But really, think about it: TNA upper management is in no way smart enough to see how god-awfully stupid their company name is and how limiting the name is to their growth. So we’re down to analyzing changing the name of the TV show, which is essentially like polishing a turd. You can doo-doo in someone’s mouth and call it a “glory bomb,” but it’s still just doo-doo in the mouth. You can call it a sexually transmitted infection, or say someone’s “developmentally limited,” but they’re still a retard, and they still have gonorrhea. (You decide what order those go in.)’

So, now we wait for the moment when Taz says “Welcome to Impact Wrestling” and ol’ Owl Face Mike Tenay shouts, “And the emphasis is on the WRESTLING! Oooh, that was stiff! I know what HE means!” followed by a 15-minute promo with Kurt Angle and his mistress, the perpetually fucked-up Chyna. T-N-A! T-N-A! -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 4/30/11

1. Randy Orton – He’s the big winner of the draft in my book. Despite being the most popular baby face in the company, he was still living in John Cena’s shadow on Raw. Edge’s unfortunate injury has allowed him to move to Smackdown to become the #1 face on the brand. Good luck finding a suitable opponent though. – Kevin

2. Zach Ryder – He may not have gotten moved around during the draft, but the guy is steadily adding more people to his Zach Pack, which includes the whole Stunt Granny crew. Zach was on Twitter for part of the supplemental draft then joined in the fun on WWE.com. Before he got in there, people were talking him up big time. Top top of Zach’s week, he banged out another good Youtube show. He’s working hard to get himself a spot on regular TV. If he gets enough support from the “internet crowd”, even the WWE will have to start pushing him. -Kevin

3. Triple H – According to PWTorch.com, Triple H’s new title at Entertainment Tower is “Senior Advisor in Chairman’s Office.” This is a promotion from “unfunny juvenile prick” and “second oldest guy who still has his 20-somethings ponytail” (we’ll see if Michael Hayes inserts someone in that position in his own Dok Hendrix likeness). -Eric

4. CM Punk – Is he really going to leave us? PWInsider.com says maybe. My computer virus clean-up guy says, “Stop going to PWInsider.” -Eric

5. Joey Styles – If you’re not following @JoeyStyles on Twitter, you’re missing out on quite a few subversive Tweets that promote sexy-ass pictures of WWE Divas during a PG era, mentions of Team Taz when the little guy works for the competition, and a whole lot of “OH MY GOD!” Oh, and for Earth Day last week, he basically said he was celebrating by leaving the water running and clubbing baby seals. I couldn’t love him more if he knocked out JBL one more time. -Eric

6. TNA Knockouts – Anyone else remember when this was the highlight portion of any Impact broadcast? TNA did its best this week to remind us by including two fat broads and a bunch of other women who aren’t over and don’t draw ratings. Ahh memories. -Jeremy

7. R-Truth – This guy makes for some memorably painful television. You have to appreciate the fact they give him plenty of rope and he knows how to construct a perfect noose. Someone backstage has to love this guy or just how bad these segments are to watch. Why else is this mush mouth half tard on live television? –Jeremy

8. Smackdown – After the draft finished it became clear Smackdown is clearly the B show for WWE now. No more illusions of equality. This also means Smackdown could possibly be the better wrestling show. They have good workers and enough fresh blood to make it way more entertaining than RAW. -Jeremy

9. Michelle McCool – So she’s apparently leaving WWE. It was previously being speculated that she was just taking some time off, but now it is being speculated that she is gone for good. Since we here at Stunt Granny all majored in Speculation (class of 2004, huzzah), we are going to go ahead and “report” that here because what are we without Idle Chatter (minored in that). – Dusty

10. The Undertaker – So does that mean he’s gone too, now? Not that he’s… not already. You know? – Dusty

11. 46 percent – During WWE’s annual Shake Things Up A Bit Extravaganza, 46 percent of their on air talent roster changed to the other “brand.” This gives me severe gas and makes my head explosion. – Dusty

TNA is a hot mess: Wrestlers injured, Kurt Angle sentenced, Jeff Hardy court date moved

This is basically Abyss.

Good lord. According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle was sentenced today for his March 25 bout of reckless driving in Grand Forks, S.D. Angle was given one year of probation, some fines, and a 10 days in jail, suspended. One year of probation for Kurt “Bi-racial Girlfriend Stalker, Good-Timin’ Pill-Popper” Angle, huh? What’s the over-under on three months?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Jeff Hardy’s court date (stemming from his Sept. 2009 arrest) has been pushed back yet another month. That’s just 30 more days for him to build another illuminami, do a bunch of meth, and show up in no condition for being alive. Good job, North Carolina court system, you’re practically the pusher on playground. Oh, what’s that? If I sell this to five other kids, I’ll get it for free? I’ll love the way it makes me feel? You’re gonna murder my family if I don’t?

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, TNA wrestlers came out of the Lockdown PPV and the latest TV tapings with a rash of injuries. As opposed to Karen Jarrett, who usually just comes out of TV tapings with a rash. At the iMPACT! tapings, Rob Van Dam knocked out Abyss’ two front teeth. Awesome, this talentless gore fuck is going to wear that hole in his mouth like a Foley-greenlighted badge of honor. All it does, though, is gett him closer to Balls Mahoney status where he belongs. -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 2/26/11

1. Smackdown Elimination Chamber – Even though the individual performer medals went to John Morrison & CM Punk in the Raw version, the Smackdown version was the better of the two matches. It was the best multi-man match I’ve seen in quite some time. I don’t think it’ll be a match of the year candidate by the end of the year, but it was a great surprise on the Road to WrestleMania. – Kevin

2. No Word Promo Heard Round the World – Triple H interrupting the long hyped return of the Undertaker was just what the Wrestlemania card needed. Considering they did this without saying a single word tells you how important Undertaker’s streak is at the event. Now if only Undertaker could really live forever. – Kevin

3. Tough Enough – After Rima Fakih was the first contestant to be officially announced for Tough Enough, Val Venis and my sources revealed that “M-Dogg 20” Matt Cross was another contestant. After watching him for 3 1/2 seasons in Pro Wrestling Ohio, I’m wishing him good luck. – Kevin

4. Fetuses – Jillian Hall and Candace Michelle both announced that they’re pregnant. (Candace might have been last week, who knows and who cares. And it might be “Candice,” whatever.) (Dusty edit: It absolutely is “Candice” and from this point forward, I’m editing it every single time.) I guess don’t know what trimester the women are in, so I maybe should be giving credit to “zygotes” or “embryos.” Really what I need to do is give myself credit for letting two women I did not impregnate take me back to fifth-grade science terminology. Next up: I’m going to dissect a worm. – Eric

5. Sting – After all of the hype about him possibly being the Undertaker’s opponent for WrestleMania, Sting goes back to TNA and wins the Title. Sting is much smarter than anyone has given him credit for being. He just bilked more money out of TNA based off of rumors. Way to go, kid. – Jeremy

6. TNA – So let’s get this right. They take Impact on the road and then proceed to tape two weeks of television? They recorded a live show instead of forking over for a live broadcast? On top of that they have Sting return at this show that was taped? So, they had a major surprise happen on an episode that was recorded instead of airing live in the same night that Impact airs. If this makes no sense at all it is because it doesn’t. – Jeremy

7. Mistico/Sin Cara – Okay, I don’t get it. I watched CMLL for a while on Telemundo or Univision or whatever, and never saw Mistico. Maybe I did and didn’t realize it since they don’t run the shows in English. So I went to YouTube and looked up some videos of Mistico. Um, I don’t get the appeal. He is just another spotfest Mexican wrestler that wears a mask. How is he a huge star? This isn’t a criticsm of WWE for signing him but why is he such a big star down south? – Jeremy

8. Chris Jericho – The new media gadfly (move over Mo Rocca, you huge nerd) released his epic second book last week, but I read it over that weekend so it still qualifies here. (Note: Buy it, check it out from the library, steal it, I don’t care, it’s great.) And he’s still making the rounds through the media to promote the book, while still making himself look smarter about the business of professional wrestling than 10 Triple Hs. – Eric

9. Hacksaw Duggan – It was recently announced that he will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame this year, along with Shawn Michaels. It’s sad that the first thing that comes to mind when I see the name “Hacksaw Duggan” is that he had snot coming out of his nose after his WrestleMania 5 match against Bad News Brown. It’s too bad he turned into such a comedy act in the WWF because his work in Mid South/UWF for Bill Watts was very good and he was probably one of the best brawlers in wrestling history. If you are a member of the PWTorch VIP Forum (and if you’re not, you need to sign up immediately!!!), be sure to check out Stunt Granny Nostalgia Expert zourah’s blog about how Duggan’s work for Watts shaped his wrestling fandom. It is an excellent read. – Dusty

10. Austin Aries – Peep and weep:

Dusty

11. Randy Orton – Apparently some kid recently did a doorbell ditch on Orton’s home. Since Orton has a home security system, he was able to post some pictures of the kid with the message being that if someone can catch him, Orton will provide them with free tickets the next time WWE is in St. Louis. I understand that Orton is coming off here like the old man yelling at the punk kids to get off his lawn, but I will always side with the athlete in situations like this. He deserves the same privacy as anyone else, and I hope the kid who did this to him gets humiliated for his effort at 15 seconds of fame.

By the way, how many godfucking times in a row can Eric put up a piece about Chris Jericho? We get it, you like him. We really truly get it. – Dusty

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