Headlines: Heath Slater is an idiot, Vader’s offspring comes to FCW

L or R (not sure): Heath Slater, her biggest fan

According to Prowrestling.net, Heath Slater, who looks like a woman and is lucky as fuck to have a job in professional wrestling, was suspended by WWE for 30 days for violating the wellness policy. What in the hell is with some of these guys? DUIs, wellness policy violations… I know you’re living the dream, and part of the dream involves ballooning up right in front of Vince McMahon, but when you’re Heath Slater and have no business ever being on my television, you protect your spot like it’s your mother’s ashes. (No offense if Mrs. Slater is dead, I don’t have time to check Wikipedia.) If a person stood in front of me and held a million-dollar check at arm’s reach, I wouldn’t start kicking him in the nuts; I’d be polite and gracious, then I’d hire a huge posse to walk me to the bank, put them on my payroll, throw lavish parties, and end up homeless like MC Hammer. But I sure wouldn’t screw up a good thing.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Big Van Vader’s son Jesse is now a member of the Florida Championship Wrestling roster. He’s going by the name of Jake Carter, which isn’t McGillicutty-level bad, but it’s pretty nondescript. He does have an interesting, sarcastic-Sheamus-like look to him, which is funny, because his picture on that roster page is right next to that of Husky Harris, who looks more like Vader than Carter does…

OK, time out. Did you click on that link? My god, what a bunch of misfits. That page is just one bad decision after another, save for the former Claudio Castagnoli. I mean, look at CJ Parker, for god’s sake. Is he Carlito? Or Darren Young? Or my grandma on my mom’s side? And Bo Rotundo looks like a cross-eyed drag queen, which, believe me, is no fun to deal with. And don’t even get me started on how many of these guys look like they came straight off the porn set (I’m looking at you, former Tyler Black). Just call Ricky Steamboat’s kid up to the main roster and burn the rest of that thing to the ground. -Eric

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