Dusty’s Blog: Dusty answers five random questions

mailbag-

You know, every week we get so many cards and letters here at the Stunt Granny Headquarters, it’s just ridiculous. Normally we just completely ignore them, because we are so much better than all you readers out there. Sometimes Kevin will use them as rolling papers for those funny cigarettes he likes so much.

But now I have decided in the interest of creating content, to change all that. Every week I will be answering five random questions from you, our lovely loyal readers. There was such an overwhelmingly positive response to the first one of these (http://stuntgranny.com/2013/07/21/dustys-blog-dusty-answers-five-random-questions/) that I couldn’t possibly stop now. So here we go:

1.) I just watched Survivor Series ’89. I love the show, it’s one of my favorites of all time. But man, that Hulkamaniacs vs. Million Dollar Team match is just chock full of Hogan’s ego, huh? – Dusty G., Fond du Lac, Wisc.

Oh man, preach on. Hogan was single handedly responsible, in one way or another, for the elimination of every member of the Million Dollar Team. Zeus gets carried away on beating up Hogan, the worst referee who ever lived gets physically involved, Zeus defends himself, and the ref shoots him out of there faster than Carl Lewis. Then, the Powers of Pain basically get disqualified for using offensive wrestling maneuvers against Hogan. And then Hogan pinned DiBiase to become the sole survivor. What a mess.

If Hogan could have actually allowed himself to do a job on a pay-per-view when the belt wasn’t even on the line, this could have probably been a whole lot better match. Really, I blame the bad booking here on his ego, and not on Pat Patterson and whoever else was back there at that time. Let’s say Zeus still gets disqualified as he did. Then, since Hogan is so incapacitated, you could just have DiBiase pin him right there. Blam. Zeus sacrifices himself for the greater good of the team.

Then maybe the Powers of Pain and Demolition get double DQ’d for brawling with each other in the ring (shades of the LOD-Demolition confrontation from the next year’s Survivor Series), which would leave us with a DiBiase vs. Jake the Snake showdown, in which you can either have Roberts pin DiBiase, or else Roberts win when DiBiase gets counted out, if you want to save the clean finish for WrestleMania or whatever.

There’s a million different ways you could book it, and they’d all probably be better than what we ended up with. Still, though, that Series is one of my go-to shows when I’m looking for something to watch. So, whatevs.

2.) Watching all these old school wrestling events reminds me of what a burger Elizabeth was. She has to be in the top five of wrestling women all time, right? – Dusty G., Fond du Lac, Wisc.

Absolutely. And what a difficult task it would be to craft a top five all time list. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and of course everyone’s list is going to vary based on personal taste, but my list might look something like this:

1. Miss Elizabeth

2. Terri Runnels

3. Christy Hemme

4. Brooke Adams

5. Nitro Girl Fyre

3.) Eric always talks about how good Todd Pettengill is and how much better he was than Sean Mooney. He’s totally wrong, right? – Dusty G., Fond du Lac, Wisc.

Of course he is. Sean Mooney was fantastic. More than that, not only was Pettengill completely terrible, he was dead wrong for the product at the time and stuck out like a sore thumb. He was a lame guy with a lame sense of humor who actively held the product back when they were trying to get more serious. He was just plain bad at his job in every way. The best example I can give is from Royal Rumble 1995, where he had the following locker room exchange with Bret Hart (not word for word, so don’t correct me).

Pettengill: You are going to be going up against Diesel for the World Heavyweight Title. I mean, let’s talk about it.

Bret: ….. What is there to talk about?

I mean, right? What kind of question is that? It’s not even a question. It’s lowest common denominator “How do you feel?” Because at least that’s a question, albeit a completely horrible one. Really, the guy had no business doing what he was doing, and he did it for several painful agonizing years.

Meanwhile, Sean Mooney once said “The Fabulous Rougeaus don’t always play savoir fairly, but the Rockers are ready to escargot at it!” Case closed.

4.) Is there any wrestler worth following on Twitter right now? – Dusty G., Fond du Lac, Wisc.

You know, I hate following wrestlers and other celebrity types on Twitter. They normally have nothing of any worth to say. Like Leonardo DiCaprio reminding us all to save the whales. He don’t know from save the whales, he’s too busy diving into his Uncle Scrooge Money Bin. But if there was one wrestler I would recommend, it would be Big E Langston. Why? This:

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5.) Who let the dogs out? – Dusty G., Fond du Lac, Wisc.

Not sure.

Stunt Granny Audio #226

Hulk Hogan and Iron Sheik going at it.

Hulk Hogan and Iron Sheik going at it.

It must be that time of the week again. The time when Kevin and Dusty grace all you lovely people with their magical mystical presence. This week our heroes start things off by discussing TNA’s continued roster purge. This week the victims are Luke Gallows and Tara. Gallows’ exit mystifies them but they agree both Tara and Jeremy Maes have seen better days since their Heat stint came and went. They move on to talking about WWE’s latest Monday Night Raw. It was an attack heavy show as the Wyatt Family and The Shield both joined in on all the reindeer games. Just what are the names of the Wyatt family members? Does Mitchell Cool even know? How long is it going to take Mark Henry to actually retire? Dusty sidetracks things twice, first by having a terrible cellular phone and second by asking Kevin if there was anyone who could have replaced Hogan in the big push spot in 1984. They also talk about how there is Sum Tin Wong with journalistic fact checking these days, and a whole lot more, so you need to listen before you spontaneously combust.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #226

56 Days of WrestleMania – WrestleMania IV’s Best Matches: Results

Well, out of the millions of choices at WrestleMania IV, the best match honors go to the WWF Championship tournament finals, Randy Savage vs. Ted DiBiase, and one of the preliminary round matches, Jake Roberts vs. Rick Rude (which I can’t readily find on YouTube, and that’s OK with me, because I skip past that snoozefest every time). Check out hot-ass Elizabeth in the videos above!

@RealDDP and @JakeSnakeDDT invite Scott Hall to Page’s successful sober house

I know our usual modus operandi here at Stunt Granny is to poke fun at pro wrestlers’ misgivings. It’s cathartic when you find out that your heroes are fallible. Kinda like the first time you beat your dad in basketball or learn to cook meth more efficiently than he does. I can’t in good conscience poke any fun at this. In fact, Jake Roberts and, hopefully, Scott Hall are the feel-good stories of the year thanks to Diamond Dallas Page. Spend 10 minutes watching this video. I come from a shitty small town in North Central Iowa where daily exercise includes four 3-minute rounds with your wife. I’ve heard people talk the way Scott Hall talks here. I’ve felt bad for people I know. I almost feel worse for this guy I don’t know. But I’m pleased that he’s agreeing to get help from Page, who has shown that he could help the once-unhelpable Roberts. I’m sure we’ll get regular check-ins on YouTube; let’s hope for the best. -Eric

Hulk Hogan to take stories on road, Ultimate Warrior’s head explodes

hulk hogan

They're not paying him to listen, they're paying him to talk!

And to show how much more people care about that lying, stinking, rotten Hulk Hogan than they do the pious, sinless, holier-than-thou, do-no-wrong, follow-my-Destrucity first-stone-caster Ultimate Warrior, according to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan has signed with The Agency Group to produce a new stage show called “In Conversation: Outside the Ring with Hulk Hogan.” Hogan and some of his friends, lackeys and mules like Greg Valentine, Brian Knobbs and Brutus Beefcake (in that order?) have gone on mini-tours and one-offs in 2010 under the name “Hulk Hogan and Friends,” appearing at small theaters to take questions from audience members, clips from which have popped up on YouTube. Dot Net says this new tour will feature:

“about an hour of semi-scripted stories and behind-the-scenes stuff, synced up with video and pictures, stuff that he wants to share with his fans and will be exciting for them to hear from him — personal stories, stories about matches and his career.”

This sounds interesting to some extent, and believe it or not, I would go to this if it came to Des Moines. But probably not West Des Moines. Hogan has lived 10 lives in the wrestling business and has done and experienced more backstage and in front of audiences than John Cena can ever wish upon his jean shorts for, potentially making for a fun hour of performance. Ultimate Warrior, on the other hand, is a coattail-riding piece of shit who had one match with Orlando Jordan in 2008 that translated into nothing at all, yet he has the gall to say Hogan, who still makes lots of money to this day, turns everything into shit. So I’m sure this Hogan news will send Warrior spiraling further into the filthy depths of social media (and will probably have Jake Roberts wondering if anyone will trade him an hour’s worth of stories for an eight-ball). -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/21/11- Randy Savage Edition

1. Randy Savage as Space Ghost’s grandfather – Whoever wrote this script for him knew what they were talking about (“Have you met Haystacks Calhoun? Leaping Lanny? Wildfire Tommy Rich?”), and Randy’s delivery was freaking hilarious. – Eric

2. Randy Savage freaking out in ICW – My local public library used to have this “Best of International Championship Wrestling” video for rent when I was 10, and although I’d been a wrestling fan for years and knew Savage well already, nothing prepared me for insanity like this.  -Eric

3. Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair, Superbrawl VI – I’ve already posted my favorite Savage vs. Flair match (from WrestleMania VIII), but this one was entertaining as heck (see “Related Videos” for parts two and three). Wow, there are a lot of dead people in this clip. – Eric

4. Randy Savage No Holds Barred Promo – This is one of my favorite promos ever. Savage just goes on and on about fish out of water and then what sounds like whorehouse but he is actually saying our house. Sherri starts climbing the cage and Zeus just yells out Hogan’s name. If I wasn’t for Randy Savage this would be unwatchable. – Jeremy

5. Randy Savage Bitches Hulk Hogan – Too this day this clip makes me happy. As a Savage fan watching him pointing his finger in Hogan’s face and telling him off is fantastic. Even as a kid I was cheering loudly. Then seeing him  kick Brutus Beefcake out of frame was wonderful. I did forget about him tossing Elizabeth around though; yikes. This is one of the more genuine looking moments you can come by. – Jeremy

6. Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan Interviewed by Mean Gene – This segment will forever be stuck in my head. The Mega Powers coming together. Nothing more needs to be said. – Kevin

7. Andre the Giant vs. Randy Savage – From a 1988 Saturday Night’s Main Event. Two of the biggest names ever for the WWF Heavyweight Championship. It may not be as high quality as the ones Eric point out but the star power is there. – Kevin

8. Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage – The Intercontinental Title was worn by the Warrior and Savage was still sporting the WWF Heavyweight Championship in this 1989 match at Madison Square Garden.  I love the Warrior as a child so this one sticks out to me. In part 2, look for Rick Rude mugging to the camera. Awesomeness. -Kevin


9. Bret Hart vs. Randy Savage – Great forgotten match. These two would basically occupy the same space in different wrestling generations.

10. The Ring Bell – One of the most memorable angles of the ’80s, leading up to one of the best matches of the ’80s. Since the WrestleMania 3 match is on a million DVDs, I’ll post the angle instead, since it’s what drew the money. – Dusty

11. The End – Best picture ever. – Dusty

Macho Man Randy Savage dies in car accident

We love you too, Randy.

Wow. Just simply wow. According to Prowrestling.net, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, 58, died in a car accident Friday in Tampa, Fla. A report on TMZ.com says Savage had a heart attack while driving, causing the crash.

Jeremy said no jokes here, but I can’t help but to make a few observations. 1) Whatever issue Vince McMahon had with Savage that  kept Savage out of the WWE Hall of Fame ought to be wiped out now, but damn if that wouldn’t have been an awesome acceptance speech. And since Miss Elizabeth isn’t around to accept, either, I guess that leaves “Leaping” Lanny Poffo to recite a posthumous poem for us all. 2) Of all the people, of all the young deaths and of all the randomness when it comes to pro wrestling fatalities, how the hell is Jake “The Snake” Roberts still alive? I don’t think a nuclear holocaust, this Saturday’s judgment day or a nasty case of chicken pox could even affect this sweatpants-wearing freak of nature. 3) I guess this makes the “Where’s Randy Savage” blog irrelevant now. 4) Watch this match:

Classic wrestlers show it’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake

"Where are my royalties, brother?!"

If you’re a long-time listener of the Stunt Granny Audio (and even all the way back to the DEJ Audio Experience), you might remember my roommate/cousin Megan occasionally interjecting herself into the shenanigans, often screeching an imitation of our half-cow, half-pig, all-trash roommate saying, “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEEEAN?” Well anyway, Megan is two things: an Internet fiend and a friend of friends. So when she sees goofy shit like this, she forwards it onto me because she knows I’ll appreciate it.

A seller on Etsy.com has created these… I don’t even know what, prints? Collages? Whatever you call them, they’re pieces of art that portray classic WWF and NWA wrestlers in poses and situations involving baked goods, primarily cake and cake decorating. Check them all out, they’re hilarious. The Andersons, the Genius, Rowdy Roddy Piper wrestling a frosting container? They’re all here! Is this news? It will be once Hulk Hogan finds out someone else is profiting from his likeness. Or once Jake “The Snake” Roberts barrels into this woman’s home office because he misread “cake” for “coke.” -Eric

"Wallowing in the muck of vanilla icing."

Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 1/29/11

1. Daniel Bryan & Gail Kim – Did the Bella’s storyline do anything for Daniel Bryan? Yes it did. It kept him on TV even with the dead weight that is the U.S. Championship. Gail Kim got to say everything everyone on the internet thinks about the Bella twins. They could make a fun wrestling tandem. Too bad their obvious opposition, Ted DiBiase & Maryse are less important than Darren Young. – Kevin

2. Jake Roberts –  “The Snake” slithered (eh? eh?) his way back into the news this week by promoting his “retirement match” against Sinn Bodhi at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla’s Kurt Russellution as part of WrestleReunion 5 in Los Angeles this Saturday, as well as by telling In Your Head Radio that he had part of his foot removed. A) “Retirement match” my once-fat ass, this coke hound will come out of hiding with the first offer of a bump and a bundle of ones for the strip club. B) Him saying part of his foot was removed is as believable as any bum who claims “someone stole my kidney and left me in a tub of ice water, now let me borrow some change, man!” – Eric

3. Kurt Angle – His hot fiancee (I don’t think they’re married yet, sinners) had Angle’s baby one month premature, causing Angle to head home to make sure mommy and baby were OK. This is the first responsible thing Angle has done since helping a black woman across the street in 2004 and not asking her to have sex with him. – Eric

4. Ric Flair – Some will find this sad, as apparently dome TNA wrestlers do but others will and should find the news of him blowing through his money, awesome. Yep, Ric Flair, he of the now shuddered Ric Flair Finance, got in a tiff with TNA management on not getting a payout while in the middle of their European tour. Then TNA wrestlers have come out saying they find it sad when he can’t pay the bill due to his financial woes. There is nothing sad about it. Flair is drinking for free while those dummies foot the bill. Congrats enablers. -Jeremy

5. Royal Rumble – Can you remember a year where this has been so poorly hyped? There is no clear cut winner to build around and boy does the field of forty look a little thin. The title matches took a back seat to free television matches. The under card itself has three championship matches but one of them is a divas match and those don’t count. Regardless this is still getting ordered and enjoyed, hopefully. – Jeremy

6. Scott Hall – Because we can’t have enough drug addicts in our list. Hall told the Miami Herald this week that he plans to go back to rehab in Houston, Texas, his (I believe) ninth stint in a facility like this. Well, of course he’s going back, that’s how you meet people with all the good drugs! It’s like a bum who breaks a law just so he can spend the night in jail and get a warm bed and a decent meal. – Eric

7. Shane Helms – I think we can all breath a sigh of relief that this idiot is heading to Lucha Libre USA instead of TNA. It spares us from seeing 2 hicks with beer guts and 2 tattooed high spot monkeys trying to pass themselves off as the newest rip off of the 4 Horseman. – Kevin

8. Shawn Osborne & Stacy Carter – Osborne, who had been under WWE developmental contract in 2006 working in OVW, committed suicide recently. The kicker to this is that Stacy Carter, who is already on my bad side because I always want to type “Dixie Carter” when I’m referring to her and *nobody* wants to talk about Dixie Carter, went ahead and posted his suicide note on her Facebook page. Pretty sure if he had wanted it made public, he would have gone ahead and done that himself, but who I am to tell a negative IQ’d cumbasket what to do? – Dusty

9. Vince Russo – So it was Vince Russo’s 50th birthday this past week. We here at Stunt Granny hope for another 50 years of terrible booking, cheating on your wife, hiding behind your fake religion and general cowardly nonsense. Here’s to ya, Vinny Ru! – Dusty

10. New Best Match Ever – It’s this:

Dusty

11. Wrestling Roundtable – Just, here:

If you want to listen to total nonsense, you should just listen to Stunt Granny audios. – Dusty

Taylor Wilde is hot, indy promoter is shady, Matt Hardy is gross… is any of this news?

 

Sweet mother...

From the Department of Obvious Shit: According to Prowrestling.net, former TNA Knockout Taylor Wilde has announced her retirement from professional wrestling in order to go back to college. Good, colleges need more hot blonde chicks.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, an independent wrestling promoter (Really, what does that *mean* anymore? Independent from what? Corporate sponsors? The ability to put on a good TV show?) named Ernest Mack Shell was arrested Saturday night for failure to pay the wrestlers on his show in (haha) Brushfork, Ky., including Diamond Dallas Page and Jim Neidhart. In Shell’s defense, no one came to see DDP do yoga, and Jim Neidhart can just steal stuff for his drug money, anyway. Nonetheless, let this be a lesson to you all: An indy promoter probably won’t pay you… and Jake Roberts probably won’t send you his autograph if you give him money first.

Finally, Matt Hardy made his long-awaited (heh) TNA debut on Sunday at the Genesis PPV. Much has been said about Hardy’s makeover, but I truly believe he looks like the love-child of his mother and his father. And then he lost all self-respect, none of which he even deserved (correct, not even from himself), became a frequent customer at Cracker Barrel, faked faking being on drugs (because why flush your brother’s stash down the toilet when you can take them yourself?) and turned outwardly into the humongous piece of shit we always knew he was. Yeah, I think that’s the best way to sum up his “look.” Here’s one way not to sum it up: It’s really gonna sell some tickets. -Eric

"Aww *sniff snort* dang ol' jerks, I'mma draw monee here! I weel naht DAAAHH!"

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