Son of a bitch, Jeff Katz steals Shawn Daivari from me for Wrestling Revolution project

*sniff sniff* "Smells like money over here."

You cut right to the heart of me, Jeff Katz: According to Prowrestling.net, Katz announced that the eighth cast member of his Wrestling Revolution project is Shawn Daivari.

We couldn’t be more proud to showcase the completely terrorist and sheik-free talents of Dara “Shawn” Daivari in the WRESTLING REVOLUTION PROJECT.

I didn’t win the lottery fast enough: Katz has nabbed some serious free-agent talent for this project, including Colt “Your Stuff is in the Mail, Jeff Brown” Cabana, Kenny Omega and Ken Doane (as well as former WWE superstar MVP). If he’s able to pull the Human Tornado out of retirement and convince Mike Quackenbush to work for him along with running Chikara, I’ll eat my hat and urinate on my fantasy booking notebook. (P.S. Would I have made Daivari into a stereotypical sheik character? Of course! The Sheik of Freakish, Sudden Musculature. License to print money.) -Eric

Headlines: Matt Hardy can’t admit to sucking, Young Bucks can’t either, Del Rio (rightfully) gets no love

matt hardy

Who woulda thought, huh?

According to Prowrestling.net (and I saw this earlier on his Twitter account, so also according to me), Matt Hardy lashed out at a fan who must have been speaking the God’s honest gospel truth about how much Matt Hardy sucks as a pro wrestler and a human being (and an actor, and an entertainer, and a ghost hunter, and did I mention human being?).

Please bet against me and insult and have fun at my expense. You you’ve never done anything and never will. While I sit home with enough money to last two lifetimes.

A) Jason Powell corrected Hardy’s spelling because he originally wrote to “best” against him. The best thing that’s ever been against Hardy is the wall that props his drunk ass up at the Waffle Stop while he devours the left side of the menu. (And he can afford it, too, because he has enough money for the two lifetimes he’s very quickly burning through.) B) It’s a good thing we’re a dirt sheet, because that means he can’t lash out at us. Remember, he basically said that already.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks recently [edit for who-gives-a-fuck] listen guys, you suck, your schtick sucks, and you’re only getting press because there are 10,000 sites like ours hungry for interviews with disgruntled former independent contractors. If you can make enough money on the indy circuit, do it while you can, because eventually everyone is going to see through this spot-monkey bullshit and bandana-wearing garbage and toss you out like yesterday’s garbage. Not that it’s any of my business, but just how much money do you think Marty Jannetty and Ricky Morton are pulling in for that same act, just 25 years later? Then again, they’ve both made enough money to last two lifetimes.

Speaking of indy guys, according to Prowrestling.net, Wrestling Revolution has named its first two roster members, Colt Cabana and Dr. Luther (some old Canadian). Wrestling Revolution began as a Kickstarter project created by Jeff Katz, former WCW Internet nerd turned Hollywood executive producer. Rather than force you to sit through a three-minute video of a fat bearded guy green-screened in front of a wrestling ring he’ll never step foot inside, let me give you the rundown: Katz wants to steal my No. 1 draft pick of Colt Cabana and create a wrestling “league” based on a shortened storyline schedule similar to that of cable TV seasons. Interesting concept, and I hope it takes off. Or I hope it fails at the same time I win the lottery so I can hire Colt myself.

Finally, according to an eyewitness report from WWE Monday Night Raw (posted at Prowrestling.net), WWE Champion Alberto del Rio has no crowd heat whatsoever. Two guesses as to why that could be: He’s not very good, and the writers have completely fucked up a very simple aristocratic character by making him smile like a retard at the zoo and say his own name every week. Come on, let him get down to kicking ass and shoving pesos down his opponents’ throats. Heat = instant. -Eric

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