@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

bizarro_world

From panelsonpages.com

– I really wish England would have made Magnus‘s promo a Bizarro World style one where the crowd cheered for him. Unfortunately, the crowd really wasn’t that into him. Kurt Angle is going to continue using Sting’s description of Magnus as a “Paper Champion” which is catching on for some reason but it shouldn’t be. That term is older than most of JBL’s references. Dixie Carter tried to talk Magnus out of a match that could make Angle or Samoa Joe number one contender but it wasn’t successful. I like Magnus’s defiance to Dixie is reasonable and not over the top anger which makes his character interesting. Too bad he isn’t selling it to me in any other way.

Lai’d Tapa is still so undependable that she wasn’t tagged into her own match with Gail Kim against Madison Rayne & Velvet Sky. The match was window dressing for her angle with Chris Sabin though. I’m glad Velvet ended their relationship because that angle had tons of potential and TNA pissed it away.

– I don’t like Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe only threatening Bobby Roode ahead of the main event. You know the heels have been getting help from their friends. Take the friends out so they can’t get help. Baby faces shouldn’t always be dumb.

– The James Storm makes up with Gunner promo was supposed to be touching with buddies realizing that they went over board with each other. It does happen in real life but two tough guys like this don’t make up with words. They make up by beating the hell out of a common enemy. They did that against Christopher Daniels & Kazarian, who are perfect foils for this situation. Too bad they didn’t interrupt this lovefest earlier.

– The only thing good to come out of Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards first appearance in the ring was the stipulation that no one could interfere in the match or else you are fired, which makes threatening Bobby Roode pointless by Angle & Joe. Why are you wasting your own TV time being redundant? You only have two hours. You can’t waste it like that.

– I like the story they are telling with Abyss and Eric Young trying to control him. They’ve treated this whole angle as an experiment, using the term often, and he’s been testing out hypotheses. I believe his thinking in having a Monster’s Ball match is to snap Abyss out of his rampage by making him sympathize when he beats the tar out of Young next week and turn back into Joseph Park.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

– The Samuel Shaw angle was completely not sold by Mike Tenay or Jeremy Borash, which is criminal. Shaw had a basement wallpapered in Christy Hemme along with having a mannequin of her that he kissed to close the segment. I know Bully Ray, who came out next, is more important but don’t you think you talk about the angle you just saw as Bully makes his way to the ring? Shaw needs some help to sell his angle. He’s new. Bully Ray can sell his own angle. And that’s exactly what he did. Ken Anderson continues to have not developed on iota since leaving the WWE. They’ve beaten this feud to death so I’m glad a casket match will put it out of it’s misery.

– The “Investor” got out of the car before their last commercial break. I haven’t been this unexcited for a TNA announcement ever, which is quite a statement. I haven’t read the spoilers because that’s a waste of my reading time. Samoa Joe ended up choking out Magnus to become number one contender. Samoa Joe really hasn’t developed at all since he came from ROH. Mostly yelling again in this promo. Pull another tone out of the bag of tricks. Just as Kurt Angle starts to talk my DVR cuts out so I don’t know who the investor is. It’s 12:08 EST. I’ll find out who it is after a nice sleep. (Next Day Note: It really was MVP. So TNA decided to cut Hulk Hogan & AJ Styles but they brought in Edwards, Richards and MVP. TNA is probably still saving on pay roll but doesn’t it bringing in these guys undermine the concept? They’re not going to improve their product. MVP has been gone for so long, I barely remember that I loved his character a decade plus ago.) – Kevin

Jeremy Borash Designs His Bedroom

Since I’m the art director here at Stunt Granny, I took special interest in the above picture that was tweeted by Jeremy Borash (@JeremyBorash). As usual, thanks to the nearly omnipotent Prowrestling.net. Borash tweeted:

A new set built at TNA HQ… for what? Tune into the IMPACT post show tomorrow for the details!

I feel privileged to type about twelve year old boys again this week because this set looks like a bedroom one might live in. You’ve got the sexy posters of the Knockouts because you need some spank bank material that the governor on your parents computer won’t let you get to. You’ve got Velvet Sky almost showing her top for a money shot and you can dream about giving Miss Tessmacher a Dirty Pirate. The boy also wants to put up posters of his male heroes like Sting, Hulk Hogan and of course Mr. Counter Culture Jeff Hardy. I’m pretty sure that the boy’s mom bought that desk and microphone at Ikea. At least Borash now has his dream bedroom inside of Universal Studios or somewhere in the heart of Nashville, TN but really does it matter? Congrats on getting past that 5′-0″ mark on the door frame in mom’s kitchen, tyke! -Kevin

#iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I know I’m way late on this review but whatever. Ha, forgot they had a pay per view. I haven’t checked for results either for this show or for the pay per view. I suppose I can rate their PPV pimping. They’re starting off with Bobby Roode vs Sting build up. Victory Road is the name of the PPV. James Storm thinks there’s not enough givers. He talks about Lockdown. Ugh, just like ROH, they’re doing their best to mix up the pay per views. Bully Ray tells Storm he’s fired up. Bully Ray reminds him of the correct PPV to promote. Storm isn’t going to make it to Victory Road because of Bully Ray. Gunner gets called out to take on Storm. Orlando knows something because they’re chanting “Gunner sucks”. Madison Rayne & Gail Kim are yelling at each other. They try to talk to Sting. Gail is going to take on Mickie James. Madison takes on Velvet Sky.

Roode is going to embarrass Sting at Victory Road. I’m power watching. No ring entrances. Velvet attacks Madison who tried to get an early jump on her. Madison wins with a pull of the tights. That makes no sense. She doesn’t look strong going into the PPV. Crimson & Matt Morgan are sort of arguing. Crimson is playing up his undefeated streak again. Morgan is mad but won’t say anything.

Crimson is taking on Samoa Joe. Their partners are at ring side. Last time this match happened, Joe got bitched. I’d imagine he’ll get more offense in this match. Joe is definitely doing it. Joe gets distracted by Morgan. Crimson spears Joe and gets the win. That type of a win for Joe & Magnus would have helped when they got their first crack at Crimson & Morgan.

Austin Aries gives us X Division champ stats so that he can inform us that he’s the longest reigning champ. Aries plays a high light reel of himself. I like his character but this isn’t doing much for me. He thanks his opponents for being good but not great. That’s better. Zema Ion spoils the party. I dig his look. Now if Ion would just get the tassles off his wrestling pants. Ion threatens to injure Aries. Ion tosses champagne in Aries face. Aries dumps the rest of the bottle on him. Solid build up.

Joseph Park says hi to Gunner. Parks can’t ask a question before Gunner bails for his match. We get replay of Eric Young & ODB getting engaged. They start planning the wedding. They need to contact Eric Nelson for planning tips. They’re getting married in the ring. I hope Nelson does too. Kurt Angle is worried about Garrett Bischoff. He loves swearing. They’re having a five minute match. Angle is going to match Victory Road Jeff Hardy’s last match. I seriously doubt it.

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TNA Audio #5 – Swinging From The Barn Door

Yeah man, Direct Auto Insurance is awesome. Say, don't we have a title match coming up or something?

This is a very special edition of TNA Audio because not only do Dusty and Matt discuss the February 9 Impact episode, but they also go above and beyond the call of duty to talk about the February 12 Against All Odds pay-per-view as well! That means that your earbuds are in for a sweet, sweet serenade about things like:

-Why Dusty feels like Hulk Hogan is a human acid trip, and why he is responsible for that woman’s hideous attire.

-Why they both feel like TNA is really getting the hang of solid, episodic storytelling, and why they might have a leg up over WWE when it comes to this.

-Why Magnus might be on the cusp on something, if he can break free from the boys in the back and bullshit of the politics behind that curtain.

-Why the company would really be in business if only they could figure out how to properly end the main events of their pay-per-views.

And a whole lot more nonsense, including Dusty yelling loudly at his dog, Matt being lethargic because this was one of the most boring Impacts in a long time, Dusty hoping people notice he just got a new phone and that’s why he sounds like a whole lot better this week (fingers crossed), Dusty standing silently to Matt’s side with a towel around his neck making intimidating looking faces, Matt quietly binging on his free ice cream from last week while Dusty rants, and a whole lot more, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #5

TNA Audio #4 – Smell The Greatness

Very good. Now find it on a map, chubs.

Dusty and Matt continue their journey to the center of TNA’s mind with this edition of Stunt Granny TNA Audio, this time focusing on the February 2 edition of Impact. Inside they explore:

-Why did Matt get hella free ice cream today? Hint: it had nothing to do with built up good karma over transcribing Hulk Hogan’s entire rambling five minute promo, although maybe it should have.

-Why did Mark Haskins almost die on national television? Hint: it had nothing to do with him being a good professional wrestler or Ref Hardy being an adequate referee.

-Why did Mike Tenay blow the entire Hulk Hogan as Garrett Bischoff’s trainer angle? Hint: it had nothing to do with Tenay having even a basic level of intelligence that would allow him to exist in this world.

-Just how hot *was* Christy Hemme this week? Hint: very.

There’s also this little matter:

And a whole lot more, and it’s only worth an hour of your time, so download this bad boy this very minute or there will be severe repercussions, jack!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #4

Stunt Granny Audio- TNA Roster Game 2011

This isn't accurate but it isn't any better.

Nearly a year to the day Stunt Granny brings back everyone’s favorite show. Yes it is time for the TNA roster game. For the uninitiated the entire crew gets together and plays booker and the almighty. Who stays? Who goes? Why keep Shannon Moore for any reason? Who is considered an asset in the eyes of some and absolute garbage in the eyes of others? Why go through all of this? Why is Eric squirming for the last fifteen minutes? Why do the guys drag it out much longer than necessary? Well the answer is simple a retarded dog with no education is smarter than the decision makers in TNA. To prove this fact a bunch of assholes will all talk over each other to make jokes at Dixie Carter and her merry pack of goons’ expense. So join in the audio goodness.

Stunt Granny Audio Show- TNA Roster Game 2011

Past TNA Roster shows

TNA ROSTER GAME 2010

TNA ROSTER GAME 2099 Part 1

TNA ROSTER GAME 2009 Part 2

Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

Ronnie Jersey Shore

Douche chills...

According to PWTorch.com (if you can see it under the huge headline “ROODE AWAKENING?” which should have been followed by 😮  Ronnie from MTV’s hit TV show “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA. For those of you who, unlike me, don’t watch the show, Ronnie is what they call a “douchebag” because he breaks up with his skeezy girlfriend on a monthly basis, and a “gorilla” because he’s all tanned and spiked like the rest of these guidos but he also lifts heavy in the gym and has an unnatural body size for someone who lives in New Jersey, which means you should be skinny from dodging from stray bullets.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro gets in the ring with TNA’s IMPACT WRESTLING on SpikeTV! Star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” makes his wrestling debut on Thursday, November 3.

Yes, you read that right, his “wrestling debut.” Wow. OK, rather than outright make fun of this decision by TNA, let me take a different approach and list the top six reasons why Ronnie from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA Impact Wrestling:

6) TNA thinks it’s leveraging Viacom’s connection between shitty Spike TV and a highly rated show on MTV, because obviously the Robbie E and Cookie gimmicks worked so well for them earlier this year.

5) Scott Steiner heard about “Ronnie Juice” and, instead of understanding that’s a name for Ronnie’s shitty mixed drink, assumed this guy would bring him steroids.

4) Dixie Carter wants to have extra-marital sex with someone with a New England accent other than Vince Russo.

3) Eric Young is tired of looking like the biggest dipshit on the roster.

2) Hulk Hogan is tired of being the most orange person on the roster.

And the No. 1 reason Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA:

1) It’s god damn christ-punching TNA, and any chance they get to throw an appearance fee at a celebrity (and last I checked, Ronnie was commanding between $12,000 and $20,000 an appearance), they do. Because they’re idiots.

It’s like fucking Groundhog Day around here. Join us again in four hours when TNA makes its next stupid-ass business decision. -Eric

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