Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Tim Howard, US Goalkeeper, after a tying goal from Portugal. From AFP/Getty Images.

Tim Howard, US Goalkeeper, after a tying goal from Portugal. From AFP/Getty Images.

I may have had my annual condominium meeting yesterday, but the day was all about waiting for the US Men’s soccer team taking on Portugal in the Amazon jungle at Manaus. It was the greatest game with the worst ending that I’ve had the pleasure of watching. The fact that the US is keeping up with Portugal is pretty awesome. Giving up a lead with 30 seconds though blows big time. I’m sure I’ll be completely useless on Thursday during game time at work. Saving the toughest opponent in Germany isn’t going to make things any easier.

Stephanie McMahon calls out Vickie Guerrero. I don’t care. Hell of a way to start the show. Especially due to the fact that this one is over coffee. Vickie watches Raw but Stephanie doesn’t since she spotted Reigns spiking the drink. If they used the coffee comment to kick start this segment, it was stupid. Stephanie gives her the old run down including the Eddie insults. They reward us with giving Vickie an option for a match. Stephanie is her opponent. I guess she’s going to put those work outs with HHH to the test. Vickie uses Eddie’s “Lie, Cheat & Steal” thinking. The crowd is behind Vickie. Please stop reacting. What is up with Mitchell Cool’s suit jacket?

Luke Harper is taking on Jimmy Uso in a singles match. We all can’t wait for Erick Rowan vs Jey on Smackdown. A super kick is the first big move that gets a two count. Jimmy runs into the Clothesline From the Bayou. So we got a two minute match after that fabulous opening segment? We only have to wait for a commercial break for Rowan vs Jey. Twitter, stop making Vickie vs Steph trend. I’m begging you. It’s okay to not blow everything the WWE puts on TV. Super kick to Rowan that whacks his head against the ring post. Jimmy takes out Harper. Jey with the Snuka splash for the win. The Wyatts gets the upper hand after the match. They hold up the gold ensuring they won’t win. Bray Wyatt congratulates Harper & Rowan before talking about trampling souls all over the universe. I dig the man’s style.

Of course we have to have the Rusev & Lana in DC segment. I should really start FF the segments with these bozos. Paige is joining the announce crew. She can’t believe she still has the belt. Just in case Total Divas didn’t suck enough, you can watch it now on the WWE Network. Cameron comes off far less bitchy when she tries to. Paige is at least likable. She needs some work. Naomi is taking on Alicia Fox as they don’t pay attention to it. They are trying to pull her Total Divas persona into it. Naomi would be a complete moron not to get rid of Cameron after this match. It isn’t helping that Cameron has no support for any of her arguments. Naomi wins with a Final Cut. Paige and Naomi have a stare down. Mitchell Cool can’t wait for the match between the two after telling us at least three times that Naomi beat Paige on Main Event last week. Sheamus asks Roman Reigns is ready to fight. Sheamus reminds Reigns that he has some pay back coming to at MITB. Reigns doesn’t believe in magic, he believes in Roman Reigns. They’re doing the smart thing with Reigns, Keep It Simple Stupid.

Cameron's character is Lost In Translation too. from CreateBuildDestroy.com

Cameron’s character is Lost In Translation too. from CreateBuildDestroy.com

Titus O’Neil is taking on Bo Dallas. Let’s go Bo! chant is happening. O’Neil is beating down Dallas early. Running Bo-dog for another victory. O’Neil knows what happens when all the other jobbers get fired. Dallas grabs the mic after O’Neil swats it to the outside. This stuff cracks me up. He’s so obnoxious.

HHH gets another top of the hour segment. Thanks McMahon Family. Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, RVD and Bad News Barrett are joining Seth Rollins in the traditional MITB match. Rollins shows he’s a smart man by already having his own t shirt. He asks why the crowd isn’t over something that happened three weeks ago. Ha. Rollins is interested enough in the subject to repeat his “Architect” talking points. RVD comes out. Rollins throws out the 2005 reference. Best RVD promo in maybe forever. It’s nothing to write home about but the stoner sounded decent. RVD talks himself into a match with Rollins. RVD monkey flips Rollins across the ring. RVD nails the plancha and follows it up with moonsault from the apron. Break time. Rollins is in control after the break. He covers for a cover after a swinging clothesline take down. Rollins tries to wear down RVD. The leg scissors pin was a slick move but still ultimately pointless. RVD nails Rolling Thunder. RVD goes for the splash but Rollins distracts him. RVD counters with a  Tornado DDT. RVD misses the Five Star. Buckle Bomb. Curb Stomp. Dean Ambrose attacks for the DQ. Ambrose is playing up the crazy angle by jumping on the announce table to attack Rollins. Amborse threatens to screw up MITB if he doesn’t get into the traditional match with Rollins.

HHH tries to talk Rollins out of requesting Ambrose to be put in the match. He tells HHH he needs to be a ring general with Ambrose. He needs to have eyes on him. I got this. HHH puts Ambrose in the match. Best speech by Rollins, hands down. Bad News Barrett has some bad news for us. Dolph Ziggler compares him to the Washington Redskins. Much better done than the Rusev & Lana combo. The segments are in the same spirit, run down the city we’re in.

The match between Dolph Ziggler and Bad News Barrett starts after with a big announcement from Justin Roberts. Interesting. I figured Dolph was going to lose after seeing him win last week at the Smackdown tapings. Mitchell starts getting shit about his jacket. I’m going to guess Twitter is helping out.  Drop kick by Ziggler leads to an early pin. Barrett clotheslines Ziggler outside. Back elbow by Ziggler. Weird looking cross body. A neck breaker takes the starch out of Ziggler for some reason. Winds of Change by Barrett. Zig Zag but Dolph is still injured. Barrett rolls to the outside. Ziggler thinks elbows will get him a victory. Barrett drops an elbow of his own off the ring apron. Barrett kicks Ziggler in the gut from a top rope position. Ziggler kicks out. Barrett misses his attempt off the top. Barrett tosses Ziggler in the air to pancake him. Wasteland only gets a two count. Barrett is hot at the ref. Barrett misses the Bull Hammer. Ziggler only gets two on the Fame Asser. Ziggler rolls into a crucifix pin. Barrett nails the Bull Hammer to retain. Fun stuff. Not surprised by the outcome but the WWE seems to be getting behind Ziggler again. They’ve let him shine in some losses recently. Renee Young asks Vickie how concerned she is. She has been insulted her whole time in the WWE. She has no regrets. Randy Orton greets her. She’s going to get what she deserves tonight. He’s going to get what he deserves on Sunday.

From Spike.com

From Spike.com

We get the traditional mud wrestling match. The first one to go into the pit loses the match. Steph brings out Layla, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox on Vickie. The crowd is finally realizing how confusing this segment is. They decide to put her down. She pushes Rosa into the mud. She side steps Layla. Alicia Fox tries to get the jump but doesn’t. Stephanie sneaks up on vickie and tosses her in. As Steph sings “Goodbye”, Vickie tosses in Stephanie. The segment becomes more hilarious when Chad Patterson falls into the mud substance.

Goldust is talking to Byron Saxton. He saw Stardust, who comes in singing. Goldust is excited that he’s the normal one. Zeb Colter is in the ring with Jack Swagger. Kofi Kingston is his opponent. The announcers get to talk up Kofi’s spotfest abilities. Swagger is working over Kofi. Fulcrum kick by Kofi turns things around. Kofi clotheslines Swagger outside. Kofi drop kicks him when he gets back in. Swagger catches him from the top. Kofi somehow got on Swagger’s shoulder to roll him up. Swagger puts on the Patriot Lock. Kofi finally taps after Swagger drags him away from the ropes. Alberto Del Rio tries to sell himself as credible. Paul Heyman and Cesaro are not impressed. Del Rio calls Cesaro a puppet. Cesaro doesn’t speak loser.

Damien Sandow is now dressed as Abraham Lincoln. Big E will do much better without the name Langston. The announcers are cracking themselves up. Big Ending. Woof. Big E wants to defend the Land of the Free. Shouldn’t he be doing this schtick with with Zeb Colter? Lana comes out because she hasn’t sucked enough yet. Rusev blasts Big E from behind. The Accolade is applied for a long time to I guess impress us. This guy couldn’t suck more.

Raw wouldn’t be Raw without John Cena talking to Renee Young. He delivers one of his good style promos where he actually talks about his goal without telling bad dick jokes. (Next Day Note: I know it’s been said plenty of times before, but I would like Cena much more if this was the one that showed up all of the time. I don’t think it’d hurt his standing in the company or with his fans, who don’t get the awful dick jokes.)

John Cena starts against Randy Orton. Sheamus gets in quickly. ADR had a cup of coffee. Cena comes back in to take on Cesaro. He gets the upper hand to allow Bray Wyatt to keep beating on Cena. ADR has Cean in a chin lock back from break. Cesaro tagged himself in. Cesaro puts Cena in a Boston Crab. Cena picks Cesaro’s leg. Cena back body drops Cesaro out of the Neutralizer. Roman Reigns comes in. (Next Day Note: I’d have to say Reigns got that type of response at the SD tapings. Not sure how well it came across since I didn’t watch after attending.) Poor ADR is in the match. Reigns cleans house but it allows ADR to hit a Back Stabber. He tags in Wyatt.  Cross body block by Wyatt. Randy Orton takes control of the beat down on Reigns. Wyatt goes for a corner splash when Reigns nails him with a Superman Punch. Sheamus gets tagged in against Cesaro. Sheamus tosses Cesaro into ADR, which knocks him off the apron. Clubbing blows on the outside. Sheamus hulks up. Spot where everyone hits their finishers. Brogue Kick on Cesaro leads to the win though. Kane shows up. He takes out ADR, Cena and Roman Reigns. Kane gets speared by Reigns after he’s named as the eighth entrant into the MITB Title match. – Kevin

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

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coursebuffet.com

I think the only reason I mention I don’t have an introduction is because I enjoy writing them. I’m not sure anyone cares. So let’s just get to this review.

Evolution comes out first. HHH says this won’t end until the Shield no longer exists. Batista has the brains to ask for his title shot. HHH calls Batista a choker. Ha. HHH tries to sell his plan of beating the Shield. Batista understands the plan and quits. HHH tells Batista that he’s finished for reals. Yeah, like anyone can sell that in wrestling. Not much of an introduction segment either. Short and sweet.

Batista is done with the empty promises. I don’t blame him. Sheamus & RVD are set to take on Cesaro and Bad News Barrett. The latest gets an in set promo and assures us no Five Star Frog Splash tonight and a Bull Hammer Elbow for RVD. Paul Heyman joins us on commentary. Heyman reminds us of the cheapness of last night’s small package win. Cesaro and Sheamus square off while this goes on. RVD ends up pairing off with Barrett. Bad News takes over before the break. Heyman continues to harp on the style of win. Heyman turning heel tactics on it’s ear. Barrett & Cesaro take turns beating RVD down. Cesaro takes a cheap shot at Sheamus on the apron. It gives RVD an opening. Barrett gets to be the beaten. Cesaro dodges a Brogue Kick and ducks out of the ring. They leave ring side. Winds of Change by Barrett. Brogue Kick followed by a Five Star for the win. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, Barrett will not be the next Paul Heyman guy.

Damien Sandow comes out as “Lance Stephenson.” Sandow goes for the easy trolling jokes. He gives us a display of his “skills.” Big Show appears “from nowhere.” He’s looking slim. The fact that Sandow could deliver the “mad skills” line without cracking a smile is awesome. Lana can’t do that. Sandow gets WMDed.

Kane beating up Kofi Kingston was forgotten by yours truly as soon as it happened. Kingston is in the ring to take on Bo Dallas again. The Heat Bo-Lieved. The WWE never beats a joke into the ground. Surprising to hear that in back to back segments. Kofi kicks Bo out of the ring. Swinging neck breaker by Bo. Dallas hits a trifecta of knees. If the small part of the crowd is chanting “Bo-ring”, that’s kind of funny. A cross body by Kingston gets a two count. Dallas drops Kingston neck first over the top rope. Running Bo-dog for the win. This cracks me up. I’m not sure it’s translating though. Renee Young asks Stephanie McMahon about Batista. She tells us what’s in tune for the 9 PM segment.

From RxMuscle.com originally by way of TMZ.com

From RxMuscle.com originally by way of TMZ.com

Stephanie tries to sell the angle more. She tries to sell her great leadership skills. She does know how to get the crowd to chant “Yes!” She makes a match at Money In The Bank, Daniel Bryan against Kane in a stretcher match. If Bryan can’t fight, it will be determined in the MITB match. I’m jealous of Chicago for the awesome John Cena matches they have gotten. CM Punk from a few years ago and last night. Stephanie jumps on Cena’s point about a fighting champion. Cena fires back and talks up Bryan. Stephanie making valid points to counter Cena. He stays on point and pushes home her embarrassing track record with Daniel Bryan. Steph makes a match with Kane and Cena. She confirms that she is a bitch. Man, really good stuff from both sides.

Kane is beating up Cena when we come back from commercial. I would imagine that Bryan will be recovered by then. I would imagine the fights to get into the match will be good. Cena rallies like normal. Cena actually sells being tired from last night. Kane fights out of an AA. Kane knees Cena into the corner. Cena wins by DQ. Kane tosses Cena into the steps, which he is the champ of selling. He even got the lower part this time. Even better than his normal standard. Kane sets up for a Tombstone but Cena slips out. Cena pushes him into the post. Cena then tosses the top of the stairs at Kane. Renee Young talks to Randy Orton. Batista took his ball and went home. He has a match against Roman Reigns tonight.

Los Matadores have El Torito with them. 3MB comes out. Heath Slater brings out Hornswoggle with an afro. The little people will finally not be involved in this feud. Drew McIntyre is with Slater. Heath hit a leg lariat and celebrates. El Torito removes the wig. Why didn’t he finish shaving his head? Slater is distracted. One of the Matadores rolls up Slater for the win. El Torito dances with the afro.

Nikki Bella is put in a handicapped match against Aksana & Alicia Fox. JBL has to explain in a very wordy way that Mitchell Cool is right about Stephanie being vindictive but Cool doesn’t brag about it. I’m confused. Alicia Fox picks up the win. Fox picks up Nikki & tosses her out of the ring. Aksana puts the boots to Nikki more. Fox gives her a back breaker. Shouldn’t a Total Diva make a save? Maybe the Divas Champ Paige who was just feuding with Fox? Luke Harper tells us the Usos will pay for their actions. The flock will suffer for the Usos misdeeds. Follow the Buzzards.

Zeb Colter gets to complain about Adam Rose more. It looks the crowd may be getting a hold of this guy. Jack Swagger keeps getting his ass slapped. Reverse running elbow by Rose. Swagger gives Rose a boot to the face. Swgger wears down Rose. Rose fires back with punches. Swinging neck breaker to Swagger. Cannonball in the corner. Cravat DDT for the win. Byron Saxton gets to talk to the Usos. They’re going to handle their business tonight. I love their enthusiasm.

From deviantart.com which is becoming quite a destination for pictures.

From deviantart.com which is becoming quite a destination for pictures.

Luke Harper & Erick Rowan are in the ring with no Bray Wyatt at ring side. Rowan starts against Jimmy. Rowan gets the better of the injured Uso. Harper makes his first appearance. Jimmy gets in a leg lariat and tags in Jey. Rowan ends up taking over on Jey. He tries to slam Rowan but falls over. They tag in and out beating on Jey. Rowan lets him tag in Jimmy. He drop kicks Rowan thru the ropes. Harper gets punched outside. Break. Harper is in control after the break. Rowan is the screw up again when he runs into the ring post with his shoulder. Whisper in the Wind by Jimmy. Jey & Harper come in. Harper takes his eye off the prize by looking at the chair. Jey unloads on him but Harper doesn’t stay down. Jey takes Rowan on the outside. Harper hits a suicide dive. Jimmy connects with the over the top rope dive. Harper raises the knees on a Superfly Splash attempt. Harper goes for the clothesline but gets super kicked. Rowan secret tags but it doesn’t pay off. Rowan gives Jey a modified urinogi for the win. He gets the win after playing fool in the match. (Next Day Note: I’d laugh at my own writing if I didn’t know Rowan got assaulted when he came in but then quickly got the pin.)

Dolph Ziggler takes on Alberto Del Rio in a match that will determine someone’s chance of still having a career in the WWE. Ziggler drops the consecutive elbows. Del Rio goes to work on the arm. Del Rio goes for a cover after a belly to back suplex. Really. Ziggler tilt a whirls out of Del Rio’s grasp and drop kicks him. Ziggler gets shots in the kidneys. Famous Asser by Ziggler for two. Tilt a whirl back breaker only gets Del Rio two. Super face buster by Ziggler after ADR takes his time going up. After countering some moves, ADR slaps on the cross arm breaker for the win. Don’t answer the phone Dolph. (Kevin’s Edit: I didn’t think either of these guys have a chance at the briefcase anyway.)

Rybaxel is in the ring waiting for Goldust and his new partner chosen by Cody Rhodes. It’s Sin Cara. I wouldn’t mind Goldust teaming with younger guys to help them out. Curtis Axel starts the match with Goldust. Sin Cara & Ryback are in quickly. JBL’s hunch back joke dies with silence. Ryback knocks Goldust out of the ring. Axel powers Goldust into the barricade. They tag in and out to wear down Goldie. JBL is doing a good job of selling on Cody recovering his form though. Sin Cara gets to be the hot tag. Ryback saves the match. Sin Cara kicks Axel in the face. Sin Cara misses the Swanton. Was that a neck breaker into a face first DDT? Whatever it was, it won the match for Axel. (Next Day Note: I don’t know where this story line with the Rhodes brothers is going, which is normally a good thing. I just don’t really care about either of these two so the mystery is just there.)

Lana comes out and is getting the “USA” chants. Alexander Rusev is being recognized by the Russian Federation. “USA!” They give him a medal. Rusev speaks in Bulgarian. Long live the Super Athlete. Where’s Nikolai Volkoff when you need him?

Dean Ambrose starts yapping at 11:00. Why do I get the feeling this could go over the 10 minute mark? Seth Rollins points out that Evolution didn’t adapt. Why is it just dawning on me that this could be an angle? Roman Reigns talks about being brothers. He wants Randy Orton. HHH comes out with him bearing a sledge hammer. Rollins nails Reigns with the chair. (Next Day Note: I wasn’t surprised that this turn was still trending in the AM. Every time I saw anything about a turn, it was Reigns. The turn doesn’t make much sense though unless Rollins believes HHH won’t stop until The Shield is done.) He then takes out Ambrose. I didn’t see this coming. Curb Stomp onto a chair on Ambrose. Orton goes to work on Reigns. The new trio celebrates over the fallen and broken Shield. The WWE has surprised me more this year than any year in a long time. – Kevin

#TotalDivas – Season 2 – Episode 4

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The April 20th episode was definitely an episode I didn’t think I’d witness. I actually felt like it was a bit more heartwarming than any other episode that they have filmed, though, it could be because Summer Rae wasn’t in the show at all which totally helps and there wasn’t any drama at all. Granted, there were still some completely ridiculous scenes which involved Nattie and TJ, but other than that, I actually felt for the first time the Diva’s really are normal people with everyday issues, in which you can semi-relate to on a woman’s level, so I’m sure any guy watching the episode was like, this was a stupid chick show since there wasn’t much boobs and skankiness showing up. (Kevin’s Edit: Just imagine me moving my head up and down.)

We’ll begin with Nattie and TJ as it’s the most ridiculous part of the show. So Ariane and Nikki find out that Nattie doesn’t know what Doggie Style is. Nattie get’s pretty flustered at trying to get around it but in the end, Ariane calls her sex therapist to see if she can help for Nattie and TJ. (Kevin’s Edit: I had forgotten about Ariane’s repression since she’s been hard to find this season outside of the Eva Marie pics.) Nattie says she is to busy to go see her, so she comes to their house. Upon questions about their sex life, she asks how they first got together, Nattie doesn’t seem to remember but TJ remembers the moments, really? (Kevin’s Edit: I didn’t remember when I first said “I love you” to the lady. No way he remembers that.) So the sex therapist says they need to ‘sex up’ the house. She tells them different role playing to do in the different areas of the house and awkwardly suggests they leave the front door open to have sex in their entry way. (Kevin’s Edit: I suggested it in more open places.) Nattie of course declines this idea. Nattie does think this could work as Ariane and Vincent do seem to be happier since seeing the therapist. So, as we get to see in the ‘black and white footage’, Nattie has TJ be a burglar and Nattie dresses as a skanky school girl and she has TJ break into the house through an open window. I laughed out loud at this one, good gravy!(Kevin’s Edit: It was killing me she used an old outfit from a WWE shoot.)

Eva Marie hasn’t been feeling well. I feel like this story line pops up when they aren’t sure what to put into the show. Well, this time, Eva Marie’s husband, insert name I forget here (Kevin’s Edit: You think I remember this tool bag’s name?), rushes her to the hospital as she says her stomach is huge and she looks about 6 months pregnant and is peeing blood. I have to say, that is not a good sign. The doctor says she has a cyst that ruptured. I am going to wonder about this as I’ve had numerous cysts and they rupture when you have your period, they don’t normally make you pee blood. The swelling in her stomach is extra fluid, and then on a private call from the doctor (HIPPA restricted) we find out that Eva Marie has an abnormal uterus and may never be able to have kids. Eva freaks out thinking her husband is going to go nuts cause he wants lots of kids. She finally tells him and breaks down. I actually have to give the schmuck credit in this episode for being very understanding. (Kevin’s Edit: I know I called him a tool above but he didn’t make the switch to non-meat head until helping her out as much as he did.) The worst thing a woman can be told is that she won’t be able to have kids, if she wants them. I don’t see Eva Marie as a ‘mom’ but who knows down the line. So Eva’s husband calls her Mom and her mom is really ‘frosty’ on the phone throwing it back in Eva’s face that she deserted her family to be with her husband, but then her mom says they will fly out. So her parents come, this time they don’t hide his stuff, and the parents and her husband find a truce and the dad and schmuck embrace, which is totally camera acted. (Kevin’s Edit: The WWE knows when to end feuds people don’t give a care about.) It’s hard to say what is real and what is fiction in this story line, but I felt most of it was really true. Would I want to share that on TV? No way! But I guess some people don’t mind airing their laundry for a buck.

Trinity and Jon decide it’s time to get married. They have been together for 5 years and engaged for 2. Trinity really wants Jon’s dad to be there, so at Old School Raw, they approach Rikishi after his match and they tell him that they are getting married in Maui in a few days and want him to be there. After a weird silence, he starts to get emotional and blames it on the match and then says he is so happy and will be there. This makes Trinity very happy as she wants the entire family on both sides there. They rent this gorgeous place on the beach where they will stay and have the ceremony. The night before the wedding Jon’s dad is still not there. Trinity starts asking if she’s the reason he’s not coming. Jon is very quiet and then finally tells her ‘no’ it’s because he got another gig and decided to do that instead. (Kevin’s Edit: I’m just throwing this out there because I haven’t heard an official statement from Rikishi but when you don’t attend your son’s wedding because he’s marrying a black woman, it means your a racist. White people aren’t the only ones who can be racist.) Ouch! There was talk of if he wasn’t coming because Trinity is not Samoan, but Jon says that is not the case. Jey is there with them and this is the 1st time I’ve ever heard him talk but he has some very kind and encouraging words for Jon and Trinity which is very sweet. The wedding day comes, no Rikishi, Trinity’s dad cries and Trinity looks gorgeous. Jon and Trinity are both moved by the ceremony (which I don’t think is something you can just fake) and they are now married. As they walked down the aisle as man and wife the chant of I say Uce you say O going on which was silly but fun.(Kevin’s Edit: I couldn’t stop laughing that of all people the Usos could be close to, it was Drew McIntyre who I think started the chant. The guy is even a tool off camera. The Usos need to pick friends that are further up the WWE food chain now that they won the tag titles.)

In the end, the show was pretty good, probably one of the better episodes I’ve seen since this show aired, but I’m sure it definitely won’t last long as I’m sure Summer Rae is getting ready for a come back at some point to add drama and nauseating skankiness to the show. – M & (Kevin)

WrestleMania XXX Preview: WWE Tag Team Championship Fatal 4-Way Match

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Jeremy & Kevin have a special week set up for everyone. After taking a year off of doing match by match previews for Wrestlemania, they’re back at it again this year because they will be attending the event. They start with a match that has already been pushed to the pre-show, the defense of the Tag Team Titles by the Usos against The Real Americans, Rybaxel and Los Matadores. Let’s start with the obvious fault in this show, who predicted that this match would stay on the main card when they recorded over the weekend? What reasoning was given because this match had pre-show written all over it? Don’t worry, Jeremy & Kevin do get around to wondering how the tag team division went from humming along for the first time in years to becoming part of the pre-show especially since the Usos finally got their big win over the New Age Outlaws. Does anyone know how Los Matadores got into this match? For that matter, how did Rybaxel get in it? Who else has noticed that Jack Swagger is winning all of a sudden? Is it just a build up for their break up after Wrestlemania? Your tag team of Jeremy & Kevin end with their predictions for who wins this match. Click on the link below.

@TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) – Episode 12

Logo from a blogspot of the same name.

Logo from a blogspot of the same name.

There have been 9 episodes of Total Diva’s that I have written about and today’s article reaches the double digits. (Kevin’s Edit: Look at the banner lady. You’ve been in the double digits.) Last night I asked Kevin if we could stop watching Total Divas and 5 minutes into the show I realized why. The show lacks on drama and substance. I think watching two kittens play with a ball of string for 45 minutes would be more entertaining than what I had to sit through last night. The entire episode is now scripted, has boring story lines, and I think I’d rather watch paint dry.

When I first started writing these articles, blogs, whatever you want to call them, I thought the Total Divas show was going to show the life of a WWE Diva and their impact in a man’s field. Where showing your skills and working hard to get TV time would help all of us understand the difficulties in making it in the WWE Diva world. What I’ve witnessed these past 10 episodes is that these ladies live a very boring life, so the WWE has to script every scene and create instability within the Diva relationships just to give us a show to watch every week. (Kevin’s Edit: Everyone knew the WWE would pump it up but it all seems so set up to create “drama” that isn’t dramatic.) Jojo has become non-existent on the show, Nattie only talks about hoochie Eva Marie and do I need to hear another comment out of Eva Marie on how hot she is? With this being said, here is my next review on episode 10 of Total Diva’s.

We begin the episode with Eva Marie being scanned. I didn’t understand at first why she was being scanned until I saw the figure of Diva Nattie and then understood. Why in the hell are they making an Eva Marie action figure? Seriously? (Kevin’s Edit: The WWE thinks they have a heel in the making. Unfortunately, she’s unlikable and untalented. Unless you count hotness as talent.) Nattie seemed particularly taken aback by it as well. While Eva Marie is being scanned she said “Let’s make my boobs bigger so I sell more action figures and boost sales.” Of course the only man in the room piped up and said that was a good idea. Once again, Nattie calls Eva Marie a hoochie, we all know that she is, thanks Nattie for reminding us. This is where I knew the show was going to tank and asked if we could just delete it and I could make up my own story line for the blog, but Kevin informed me, that we should just watch the show. So onward! (Kevin’s Edit: The sarcasm about Nattie already makes my choice correct.)

We next have Ariane. She thinks it’s brilliant to get her tool of a boyfriend, or is it her fiance now? who knows, an appointment with a WWE trainer so they could be WWE wrestlers together. What part of this sounds staged? huh. Vincent agrees and goes to the training ring where he finds out that it’s freakin’ hard to be a wrestler and after 1  training day is exhausted and unable to even finish the routine guy is having him do. All the while Ariane is telling Vincent he’s doing good, but on the back camera says she made a mistake for this, really? Do you think so? So on day 2 Vincent once again is too exhausted to go on. Because even though he’s a big dude, it’s cardio man, it’s hard when you aren’t in that kind of shape, and the trainer tells him, he’s not WWE material. (Kevin’s Edit: I remember running Warrior Dash last year. It was hilarious to see these giant bulked up guys trying to run. They had no cardio despite all of the muscles. Vincent is the same way.) I don’t know if those are tears of joy or tears of sadness, but Vincent breaks down. Luckily, he has a backup plan to be a Hooka entrepreneur and open his own shop. Good for you Vincent and thanks WWE for a nice scripted segment for Ariane and Vincent.

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@TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) Episode 11

jealousyI was informed last night that Total Diva’s has signed on for another season with E!. Does E! have any idea what they are currently airing on their station? Though, with the Kardashians having 3 different shows on the channel at any given time, maybe they don’t care what they are actually airing. As this is the time of year for giving thanks, I’d like to thank the WWE for giving us another episode of staged conversations, whips, vibrators, sex therapy and how many times Trinity and Jon have sex before Jon Uso turns into a bear. All I can think right now is, how can I possibly still be watching this disaster for 45 minutes a week.

We begin this week once again Eva Marie. She sees TJ in the ring and asks him if he will help show her some moves as she ‘idolizes’ Nattie and wants to be a great wrestler like her. Nattie sees them wrestling and gets jealous. I love how she has so much distaste for Eva Marie, she takes every chance she gets to comment about her skanky appearance. When Nattie finds out that TJ will be helping Eva Marie the next day in the practice ring, she get’s even more heated when she sees TJ’s head in Eva Marie’s breasts. Nattie says she’s not wearing a bra and says she see’s the way Eva Marie is looking at him, she goes to get Fandango to practice her moves. Nattie removes her little sports jacket and reveals just a sports top showing bare belly while Fandango takes his shirt off. After lots of quibbling back and forth and Fandango asking ‘what is going on!’, TJ leaves, Eva Marie says Nattie is Coo Coo and Nattie huffs out still jealous of Eva Marie and TJ since Nattie is the only one TJ has ever trained with (woman wise) and I guess is worried about her marriage? I don’t see how as he isn’t that attractive and she’s butch like a man, but whatever. By the end of the episode TJ tells her that she’s prettier than Eva Marie. (Kevin’s Edit: This segment was so staged. My favorite part was Norman Smiley as one of the trainers. I’m pretty sure I had read that he was there before but I had forgotten. It made the episode for me. Any woman that doesn’t look like a man would be an upgrade for TJ but Eva Marie wouldn’t stoop that low. I’m thinking she’s going for top of the roster material.)

Nikki has some decisions to make about moving in with John Cena. After John gave her the agreement for her to sign to live with him, she drove off (in our cliffhanger). We begin this episode where she pulls off to the side of the road and calls Brie. Brie was not helpful in this staged phone call and says what kind of relationship is this if John has her sign a ‘roommate’ agreement. Bryan has never asked Brie to sign one because they have an understanding and open relationship (well, I don’t think Bryan has a massive house and expensive cars as he drives around in a Prius). Nikki checks into a hotel until she can figure things out. After a few days and talking to her mom on the phone, she calls John and leaves a message. I don’t know why it took John so long to call her back (another WWE insert staged phone call here) and they have agreed to meet for dinner. Nikki tells John he’s selfish and he should have told her before she moved in that he wanted her to sign this agreement. Honestly, I can’t remember if she signed it or not, but she kept saying if she didn’t sign it, where would their relationship be? (KE: I think she packed in more sarcasm in that paragraph than I could have.)

We see a very selfish side of Brie this week as Bryan is doing massive amounts of publicity for being WWE champion and Brie doesn’t like it, and neither does Josie, their dog. I do see how Brie could be upset as when they order lunch (salads) he walks away to do a phone interview. I’m sure it could have waited, but I’m also sure the WWE wanted to create a little friction between the two since they are just so darn cute! After Brie has a conversation with Nikki, she apologizes to Bryan and they go back to being the cute couple. (KE: French bulldogs are hilarious.)

Jojo is no where to be seen. Though I was terribly surprised when she wrestled in Raw on Monday night and looked better than Eva Marie. (KE: You should not be surprised that Jojo was the better wrestler. Eva is good for nothing aside from looking hot and skanky.)

Trinity and John, not really in it this week. Trinity’s only conversation this week that I can remember was with Ariane when she says no wonder she’s grumpy all the time. There is no sex between Ariane and Vincent, yet Trinity tells Ariane that Jon’s gotta have it every two days or he becomes a bear! (KE: Good to know I have something in common with Jon Uso.)

Which leads me to Ariane. We find out in this episode that she does not have endometriosis. Which is a very painful issue women can have. She makes her way to the gynecologist who does a routine exam, where I have to laugh when she says she didn’t know she was having a full exam so didn’t shave. Can’t believe the camera caught that and who wouldn’t think they’d have a full exam if they are in so much pain. Good Gravy.  So the gynecologist does the exam and says everything seems well and then does an ultrasound where everything is ok, no issues, so the why is sex so painful and cramps so painful? (KE: I was laughing that I seemed to be told more about a gynecologist from my girlfriends, ex-wife and the current lady than Ariane knew.) Well, cramps can be painful due to the lifestyle she has as a Diva. Stress, exercise, diet, all cause bad cramps, so that’s a no brainer, sex, well that leads us to the sex therapist that Ariane and Vincent go to. He does not look pleased. Apparently, Ariana doesn’t like to think outside the box and has decided that she can do without sex. Seriously? So, the sex therapist tells her she needs to start experimenting, role playing, toys, vibrators, videos, etc. Vincent looks very happy at this suggestion. The next time we see Vincent he’s coming home with bags and said he went shopping. Well, yes, he did, to the Adult store. After he pulls out two bottles of wine, he pulls out whips, vibrators, books, gels and he looks very happy, I’m pretty sure he pulled at this huge vibrator and said ‘say hello to my little friend’ which was hilarious. So we end this episode with Ariane and Vincent yelling ‘yes yes yes’…which again is another WWE scripted scene. (KE: Vincent is still a gigantic tool but he’s big dumb ass has grown on me the last couple of weeks.)

What can I say to sum up this episode? Not much because looking ahead at the preview for next week, it doesn’t look any more enticing that this past episode. So as Thanksgiving moves closer, and I give thanks that this episode is over, I’m also thankful for Nattie’s pokes at Eva Marie, the hilariousness of Ariane at the gynecologist, and Bryan saying he is going to give Josie, the dog, a romantic butt scratch, but I’m not thankful for Nikki’s annoying baby voice and her childish bimboish mind. Happy Thanksgiving. – M & (Kevin)

@TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) Episode 10

Lilian Garcia Queen

Eva Marie made Lilian Garcia look brilliant.

This past Total Diva episode does not get an A for effort. Not that I expect much from these episodes, but I did feel like it dragged on and there could have been more of something, anything. Yet, we are left with an episode that focuses on how disgusting a toe fungus is, how excruciatingly annoying Eva Marie is, and Alicia Fox once again stealing the scene with a one liner. Oh where to begin….

I guess I’ll begin with, why is Jojo even a Diva when she gets no air time at all? She once again was in a tiny blurb at the beginning of the show and then just disappeared. (Kevin’s Edit: I have no idea why the WWE hired her. She’s young but it’s not like she’s a baseball player who will develop their talents in the minors. No, bigger boobs won’t help her that much.) We have Trinity, Natalia, Ariane, Eva Marie and Jojo standing around and Natalya makes the comment how she can’t wait for the match with Ariane and Trinity says to make sure she wears a diaper, as we all are reminded how in last week’s episode Natalya peed herself after Trinity got her in the gut.

Eva Marie gets a chance to be a ring announcer in the upcoming Monday Night Raw. She is excited for the opportunity until she realizes that she isn’t able to have index cards or cheat. She has to memorize everything about every wrestler to introduce them. She obviously doesn’t want to mess up after the whole fiasco about lying that she knew how to dance the Tango. So we get the entire episode of her whining about how she can’t use index cards. (Doesn’t she know that Cheaters always win?) (KE: Hey, the parentheses are my gimmick lady.) Is she really that stupid? Oh wait, yes. She finds Alicia Fox in the hallway and is excited to tell her that she is going to be introducing at Raw. Alicia informs her she better get it right, she messed up once and was almost fired! Oh, that Alicia. (KE: A big reason I love Alicia. She loves to see people squirm without being bitchy.) When the time comes for her to go on stage, she introduces the Usos correctly along with Justin Gabriel but unfortunately doesn’t introduce Jinder Mahal in the 3MB. The Diva girls watch as she makes the mistake and comment on how screechy her voice is and how no one should have to listen to that. (KE: She had no idea how to use a microphone. Don’t eat it on top of screaming. Her encounter with 3MB seemed a little too set up. Jinder looked pissed though. Heath Slater being the voice of reason yet scolding her was just too perfect.) Hilarious along with seeing if she had brought out a cheat sheet which she didn’t, as she messed up big time. I believe it was Natalya that said, “Sure glad Stephanie McMahon isn’t here tonight”. Ha ha. (KE: Maybe Steph doesn’t watch the product when she’s there. No wonder people don’t know what’s happening on Raw.) As you can imagine Jinder is VERY upset along with the 3MB. She gave her apology and excuse of why she messed up and called him ‘Ginger’ not Jinder. oops! I’m guessing that red hair killed more brain cells than we thought. But at least she didn’t cheat.

With John Cena losing the belt to Daniel Bryan and then having to have surgery with a 6 month heal time, Daniel is now on the road doing lots of appearances and talks which leaves Brie at home. Though Brie and Nikki have a sweet spot on Psych as zombie vampires that they have to go film for,  she still realizes that 13 days without Daniel is a lot of time without her honey. (KE: Psych is a lot of fun except for most of the WWE appearances. We’ll see if the Bellas can buck the trend.)

Nikki moves in with John in his massive house. She packed 26 boxes of clothes, shoes and purses. DAMN! As she is almost unpacked, John comes in with a paper and tells her to not freak out or take it the wrong way, but he needs her to sign a live-in agreement which she reads out loud that if John wishes she has 40 hours to move out of the home. She obviously feels upset and hurt and takes the paper and walks out saying she needs to think about it. UH OH Cliffhanger! (KE: In no way was this a cliffhanger despite the obvious set up that it was.)

Trinity and Jon Uso are the last on the list. Jon’s toe is bleeding and when they shoot to it, it’s nasty! Trinity finally get’s him to go to the doctor after he says he’s signing his life away by filling out the paperwork, we find out he has a fungus under his big toe, which is spreadable. After chopping half of Jon Uso’s toe nail off, Trinity asks the doctor to look at her feet and we find out that Trinity has the toe fungus too. Dude, that is just nasty! So they both leave the hospital with toe fungus cream. ha ha … Yep, superstars get fungus too. Bleck! (KE: This was the second grossest thing in this episode.)

I’m not sure how you sum up something that was quite boring and slightly disgusting. Did I forget something from the show, maybe, (KE: Yes you did, the super gross John Cena elbow surgery. I have jacked up my body more than enough, don’t mind getting hurt but can’t watch surgeries. Yuck.) I guess I didn’t talk about how Brie was talking to their Agent on the phone about bra sizes and weight and how Brie said she was 123 and Nikki said 130 and Brie looked at her ‘really?’ and then Nikkie said, ‘ok, 135’,  but whatever else I may have forgotten I’m sure Kevin will remind me. Will we get some sizzle next week as Eva Marie and TJ wrestle while Natalia gets upset? Highly doubtful but we’ll still watch this hot mess and write about it. You’re welcome WWE. – M (& Kevin)

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