Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Long_nights_allow_me_to_feel__by_HarlequinFever with a really cool picture.

I’m going to be watching Total Divas before starting my Raw review for the foreseeable future. It’s going to make for some long nights which is what led me to that fantastic picture above. I completely forgot about the Penguins game tonight. I’m going to start this blog even later than I expected. Woo hoo. They play Wednesday night again. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 1. They talk about the power struggle, John Cena & Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton & Big Show and the end of the night melee. I had forgotten about the country theme. It’ll be window dressing like always. I can’t wait for the cow girls Divas match. They waste no time bringing out HHH and Stephanie. They are important because of how poorly things went last week. Hell in a hand basket without them. Randy Orton has a problem with them. Vickie Guerrero does the quietest “Excuse Me” ever which is awesome. Brad Maddox immediately throws Vickie under the bus. Also funny. Stephanie pits AJ Lee against Vickie. HHH gets to tell Maddox his fate, which happens right now.

Well, after a commercial actually. Raw Country meant a country theme song so far. Maddox cracks Orton with a microphone while running away. Maddox tosses him into a ring post then rolls him into the ring. He gets a two count. Orton recovers. That is a nice dress shirt Maddox was wearing. Hanging DDT off the barricade. The crowd is chanting “We want tables”. I don’t think you’ll get them. Orton beats Maddox unconscious. This is all PG because of no blood, right?

Big E Langston gets a crack at Curtis Axel‘s Intercontinental Title. I watched the South Park about X Box One and Playstation 4. I had no idea either game system was in for an upgrade. Haven’t played them in ages. WWE advertising is effective. Langston covers after a shoulder block. Ha. Axel tries to slow things down but it doesn’t work. Langston goes for another pin dumb pin after a back drop. Axel gets control. We get a break. Good to see these young guys get an extended match. Langston goes back to some power moves. Big Splash only gets a two count. Axel gets out of the Big Ending. Neck breaker by Axel is countered. Clothesline by Big E. Big Ending. Crowd goes pretty crazy. Congrats Big E Langston. You’ve achieved a title that means you still might be on the right path but the WWE still won’t know for a while. Randy Orton is talking to the Shield. Roman Reigns wants Orton to have their back too. More country song. Shot me.

Instead of a cow girl match, we get musical chairs to this horrific song. I FF until the Divas brawl. I’m loving Alicia Fox on Total Divas. I’m glad this segment could help me catch up.

Big Show is taking on Ryback. Big Show punches the body to get control. “Bench presses don’t fight back!” JBL is awesome. He’s doing a good job of giving Ryback’s psyche. Ryback goes for Big Show’s knee to make the match interesting. Ryback tries to wear out Big Show with a head lock. I guess it’s a little more of a choke. DDT by Ryback only gets two. Ryback slaps on a chin lock. Big Show turns it around with a side suplex. Clotheslines by Big Show. Ryback with a spine buster. Only two. Ryback sets up for the Meat Hook. He gets it after some knees to the gut. Ryback goes for Shell Shock. He nails it. Big Show kicks out. “You stupid giant!” Big Show shoves off a front face lock. He WMDs Ryback for the win. Good showing for Ryback. Randy Orton tries to ambush Big Show but he turns it into a spear. No reason to take the belt off Orton. Zack Ryder is talking to someone I’m supposed to know. Heath Slater introduces them. 3MB are the Rhinestone Cowboys now. They’re keeping their act fresh.

Orton puts ice on his ribs. He complains about not having back up from the Shield. If you didn’t see them around ringside when you jumped in, shouldn’t that have been a clue Randy? I thought the baby faces are supposed to the stupid ones. The Miz & Kofi Kingston are going to job to Antonio Cesaro & Jack Swagger. The Miz gets to take the beat down. Good luck taking the pin Kofi. He does get the hot tag. Cesaro distracts Kofi. Swagger catches him and slams him. Kingston DDTs Swagger. The Miz jumps away from the tag of Kofi. Patriot Lock for the win. Turning heel will do you no good if you don’t freshen up your gimmick.

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@TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) Episode 9

be_stronger_than_your_excusesThey’re stronger, they’re more outrageous and if it’s possible, more glamorous. This time, it’s no hold barred! Life is about to seriously change. Only on E! This was the commercial that was constantly being played on Spotify last week so everyone would be so intrigued they would tune in and watch the next season of Total Diva’s. After crying hysterically and then being bored out of my gourd, I thought leave it to the WWE to make the first half of the show interesting to pull viewers in, put them to sleep in the middle and try to wake them up in the end with a not so good cliff hanger. Since I wasted 45 minutes watching this, I’ll waste at least 5 minutes of your time reading this. Ha ha.

We begin the season with a recap, which is always good for me as I completely forgot what has happened in the last 2 months that they have been off. I have to say, the show started off with pretty good one liners as Eva Marie brought up her 4 page spread in Maxim as the girls meet for brunch on a Sunday afternoon. Between Nattie calling Eva a Hoochie, Jojo saying she wants to throw up her breakfast in her mouth due to having to look at these pictures again and Brie gives a non-humble Eva a kicker when she tells Eva that the Bella Twins were in Maxim Espanol which get’s distributed to more countries. Ha ha. (Kevin’s Edit: You could tell the Bellas were pissed about not being on thee Maxim cover even if they covered things up with Latin America.)

We get more hilarious outtakes with Trinity in her sparkling shoes and how they hurt her feet terribly and walks out of the hotel like an old bow legged grandma, quite hilarious as she stuck out that booty of hers. (KE: She rewound it to watch a second time. I didn’t argue.)

Ariane goes crazy after the car in front of her continues to go really slow and in turn stops right in the road. Ariane gets out of the car and starts yelling at the person in the car. To me it all seemed a bit staged, but whatever, it just flared her temper which is what her story line was in this episode. Ariane once again goes berserk on Vincent, her boyfriend, at a WWE party. I don’t know how many times she needs to say ‘babe’ but I have to say, someone needs to take that out of her vocabulary! (KE: That’ll happen right when the Steelers take “Obviously” out of Mike Tomlin’s vocabulary.) Trinity ends up talking to Ariane and tells her she needs help with her anger. She goes to talk to talk to her mom where they have a heart to heart. Her mom tells her she shouldn’t do that and that Vincent deserves better. At this point, they’re both perfect for each other as they’re both annoying as ever and who would want to deal with that.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

I watched this clip earlier today after Jim Leyland announced his retirement. It is barely proof that Leyland has aged as a manager since he has a little more color in his hair. It would have been nice for the Pittsburgh Pirates to get him for a second round but the Detroit Tigers decided to steal him along with just about the entire roster of the 1990 Pirates as coaches. As I watch the Penguins play the Colorado Avalanche, I’ve found out that the fans of Pittsburgh decided to steal something from the Detroit Red Wings fans. They’ve decided that their team has been so good for so long, that they can come to the arena dressed as seats even though the game is “sold out”. That’s not quite an even swap but it’s the best I got for now. Let’s roll.

Oh goody, we get HHH & Big Steph to start the show. Steph sets the table for the HIAC PPV. Steph wondering how the feed is there is the most believable part of HHH & Big Show shouting at each other. Steph cutting it though at the flip of a switch means it should have been killed earlier. Daniel Bryan shows up instead of Dean Ambrose. The later gets to show up after a commercial break. Not exactly a sizzling start. Ambrose has been downgraded to not getting an entrance. JBL isn’t making any sense, asking his fellow announcers why Big Show isn’t in jail is bad for two reasons: 1 – They barely ever argue with you. Why do you expect them to do it now? 2 – HHH & Stephanie should answer that question. What the hell is that pin combo called that Bryan just did? Holding an arm down with one leg and digging the elbow into his waist. Looked cool but seemed a little too convoluted to me. Dean Ambrose takes control before the break in TV land and my column.

Ambrose is still in control after it. Since JBL revisited the criminal line of thought for Big Show, I have a third point for him. You always say that you’re the best journalist in the WWE. How about you ask around as to why Big Show isn’t in jail? Mitchell Cool seems to be having fun with JBL. Too bad my ears aren’t. OH my lord, JBL just asked if he said something factually in accurate about Armstrong & Bryan working together for the quick count. Cool decided to answer after his own soliloquy. Ugh. Daniel Bryan wins with the Yes Lock. Fancy reversal into the move.

CM Punk comes out to run his mouth. That is as nondescript a promo as I’ve heard from him. It wasn’t bad. HHH and Big Steph are talking to Vickie about running Raw like she hasn’t done that before. Shawn Michaels brings up power suits and does his silly schtick. He brings up Vince McMahon who has got to be behind Big Show, right? I want to spill water on my lap top again after Hornswoggle, Santino Marella & the Great Khali show up dress in Elvis wigs. Gauging out my eyes would work too.

Santino is taking on Heath Slater. They do a kung fu comedy to start the match. It’s definitely time for a #SippyTimeBeer. “This is entertainment!” from Mitchell Cool who deserves to be put thru the paces by Ivory again for that line. Elvis Cobra gets a big hoot from the commentators and no one in the crowd. A Sneak Cobra attack later wins it for Santino. He sings to Lawler after the match. JBL fakes laughs more. I hope he’s paid well to laugh at that garbage.

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#TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) 8/18 Edition

Fat Twin

Since we had been on vacation, we crammed 2 episodes of Total Divas into one night. I just remembered I didn’t write a review for the August 18th episode, probably because I spent the weekend drinking rum & cokes and playing frisbee golf in the gorgeous weather.

The problem with Hollywood is everyone is fat over a size 2. I find this disheartening for any girl or woman who happens to be bigger boned and due to genetics is unable to be that size 2. Do we forget that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14? I’m no size 2 but I always find it interesting when I go into a store and there are more size 2-8 than size 12, 14 and 16 which is why I find that even though Brie looks really good due to exercising and eating healthy, Nikki in no way should be called fat for loving wine and dessert. She does look slightly bigger than Brie, but then again, she had the boob implant and anytime you have bigger boobs, you also look a bit puffier. I have girlfriends that had the implants done and they look ‘puffier’ than normal, but still look really good. The girls were getting ready for a Summer Slam photo shoot and Brie mentioned the only reason they were hired was because they were identical, which already isn’t working with Nikki’s recent boob job and was wanting Nikki to do a 20 day cleanse with her to get ready for the shoot. I agree in that Nikki should have given it a better try instead of hiding the bottle of wine she drank while on the cleanse, but you can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do, and it was evident in this week’s episode. When it came time for the shoot, they both looked fabulous. (Kevin’s Edit: This whole storyline made so little sense because of boob job difference. I don’t care if Nikki lost the weight, she’d still look different. It wouldn’t hurt Brie to pack on a few extra pounds and pad her bra to look a little chestier. They never look fabulous, lady. Natalya & Tamina are the only Divas I’d pick in dodge ball after the Bellas.)

While on the subject of boobs, Ariane decided she was tired of not looking voluptuous in her outfits and wanted to get a boob job. So she took Trinity and Jon with her to go see the doctor. I’m not sure where they found the lady in the doctor’s office, but I agree with Trinity about how awkward it was for her to lift down her bright red dress and show off the ladies. (KE: No Jeremy, I will not go to your penis enlargement consultation.) There is Ariane just grabbing and feeling and Trinity blushing and giggling. The most hilarious part is when they bring Jon in to feel these woman’s boobs and Trinity’s response is, you’ll only be able to do this once, so you better feel them now. Jon, tentative, felt the boobs on this woman and did comment how real they felt. The doctor gave Ariane a set to take home and try out. Obviously her tool of a boyfriend Vincent wanted the larger of the samples. I’d like to see him wear those around for a few weeks and then tell me how his lower back feels. Tool Bag! (KE: This guy even makes tool bags look bad. I have asked this question a lot in my life, why is she dating him?) We do find out from this episode that the fake boobs do float. Ha ha ha ha ha. To boob or not to boob will be the question for Ariane as I don’t remember them giving us an answer of what she was going to do, but in all honestly, natural beauty is always the best…though I know some guys just won’t agree with that statement. (KE: Easy to say when you don’t need them. She didn’t go with them.)

We move along to Nattie. She feels like her fiance Tyson Kidd treats her more like a pet dog than an actual fiance. According to Nattie he loves the cat more than her. Huh, well, if you acted like a spoiled, whining Hart all the time, I guess I could understand why! Nattie once again shows us how annoying she is and loves throwing the Hart name around. She wants to get married and have a wedding with about 150 people of family and friends. (KE: What does the wedding have to do with the Hart name? I think you lost me on this tangent.) Nattie went to a lingerie shop with Nikki so Nikki could find something sexy for John Cena. While in the store Nattie tried on a few things too since Nikki told her she needed to spice things up. Nattie put on her lacy bra and panties to show off to her fiance and his response was ‘what are you doing’. It was pretty funny. (KE: It wasn’t exactly smart of her to pull out that stop as he’s watching a PPV. Set the mood a little bit. Would it be smart for a guy to come out of the bedroom in a banana hammock while his woman watched a PPV movie?) She told him that she missed the romance and he responded by taking her to the court house to get married. Nattie threw a fit and stomped away, agreed it wasn’t the best decision on his part. It all boiled down to communication and they have decided to get married on a beach, though we don’t know when. (KE: Reconnection on the wedding tangent. Not so much on the Hart name. I do agree she tosses it around too much.)

I honestly can’t remember if anything happened with Jojo or Eva Marie, but if it’s 3 days after watching it and it’s not in my brain, it wasn’t important enough to remember. (KE: Exactly.)

I do have to say that the show is slightly more entertaining that it was when the Total Diva wreckage started and thankfully the WWE has kept it to 1 hour and not 3. We can only hope they don’t over run the show, though knowing it’s pretty much the only air time the WWE gives the Diva’s, I wouldn’t be surprised if they keep it around for awhile and on that note, we’ll keep watching and let you know what She said, He edited. (KE: Look at her even plugging the column at the end. She’s a natural.) – M (& Kevin)

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Except this time it was around Candlestick Park in San Francisco.

There was not a chance in hell this blog was going live, but I might be able to this quicker than I expected. A second power outage in San Fran during the Steelers at 49ers game. Big game. So, I’m starting this earlier than expected. Plus, I’ll be skipping out to watch again when they get power back. Glad @GrannyMaes warned me about Barrett looking like a drowned rat. CM Punk gets to announce the results of TLC with a drum roll. He starts with his match. Nice way to start the show. Can’t do it all of the time. It was an extremely good, dare I even say great match. Not an all timer or even the best of the year (I’d still reserve that for CM Punk against John Cena in Chicago.) He’s getting a great reaction. He is going to do the whole PPV. Zack Ryder gets introduced to another huge pop. Punk going right to Eric’s argument and mentioning the “heavyweights”. Punk saves Daniel Bryan for last. What a way to introduce this guy. Cole plays the irony card by bitching about Bryan. Lawler can only come up with “Let him enjoy his moment” defense. Pathetic. Lights are back on.

Back to Raw. Punk thought Philly would dig this moment more than other cities. ECW chant. He tells about him & Bryan wrestling in a tiny venue ten years ago. Zack gets the mic. Short bit. Bryan gets to yell at Cool. He’s showing good fire as he has recently. The Miz shows up. Then Ziggler. Then Alberto. We got our main event, huh? Johnny Wooden GM (not so interim) gives it to us. Del Rio sporting a new shirt. I kind of dig it. Looks like a peso.

Randy Orton in a rematch with Wade Barrett. Jer was wrong, I’m fine with Barrett’s hair because he just slicked it back. He let it be all wonky the time I made fun of him. Terrible idea for a rematch right after the pay per view. I don’t feel ripped off. Commercial break. Barrett in control after the break. Barrett is another victim of Smackdown needing a stepping stone before Orton level. Barrett is doing well for himself.

The game did not turn out to my liking. Whatever. Going to have to do it the hard route. Get the rest for the injured players. Back to the Orton versus Barrett match. Orton with the second rope DDT. Barrett going with the thumb to the eye. Glad someone could bring that back into style. Winds of Change. Did Barrett become Jeff Hardy? Wasteland thru the table. Good old fashioned heat. Kevin Nash is out for a minimum of six weeks, maybe career. He’s got a hell of a deal.

Alicia Fox takes on Beth Phoenix for the belt. Twitter mention. I’m drinking for sure. Holy crap. I typed that and didn’t see the win. The women’s division really sucks. She gets booed. Punk, the women’s division is not going to plan with your lady Beth on top. Or are they finally going to give Natty title time?

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Smackdown

I'm going to guess none of the cheerleaders at the game near me look like Minka Kelly.

I’m bored and it’s Friday. There’s a high school football game at the high school near me so my one dog becomes a shut in. The public address system hurts her ears. I’m still in the middle of making dinner so this post will still take some breaks. I’m making some creamy tomato sauce with cannelli beans which will go with some whole wheat pasta. Considering I can watch Smackdown in about an hour, I still might catch up. Let’s roll.

Johnny gets the mic to start the show. They must be trying to get us to turn the channel. I tape Star Wars: The Clone Wars at this time slot. Yep, I’m a dork. Oh that’s right, you’re reading this. You’re a dork too. I glaze over until he introduces Mark Henry. He does OK then Trips arrives. Christian kisses up so you know the attack is coming. Ah, the one last match gimmick is coming. That’s kind of funny. I hope they drop the gag soon though. Trips makes a match between Christian & Henry. He was cracking me up telling Henry to hold on. Why wasn’t Sheamus out there?

Ginger on Ginger violence coming up. Slater getting in more offense than I expected. It was still pretty much a squash match though. So, does the WWE really cement Sheamus as a baby face by having him be the one who stopped Henry? Is that why they pulled that feud apart earlier than they should have? Christian still getting much TV time.

Former Nexus members Barrett vs. Gabriel goes down. Glad the announcers let me know they wrestled in a tag match. I thought it was a singles match. I wish this match would have been built up more. It’s not going to be a main event match but why shouldn’t a match like this be a curtain jerker at a PPV? Wow, emphatic win for Barrett.

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Kevin’s Blog: WWE Draft Breakdown

The WWE draft is more of a swap than a draft.

The draft has been a joke for a while now. The WWE actually conducted a draft with the original show by having the general managers make the picks. I’m not sure they’ve used that concept since then. The WWE started conducting their draft like a swinger’s party. Everyone puts their keys in a bowl, you pull them out and one can get stuck with the hot or the fat wrinkly swinger. The WWE draft is the same way, everyone is in the pool, one of your brand members wins a match and then you could get stuck with the wrestler that’s the hot act or that’s probably going to get cut.

After making fun of Todd McShay in my Raw Blog, I felt like needed some dumb stats to lead off the review. I did a quick roster count. Minus announcers (I’m including Jerry Lawler as an announcer) and managers of which there is 11, you have 74 wrestlers. 30 of them got moved around plus one manager in Ranjin Singh who counted with Khali. 2 of the picks were “wasted” on John Cena so really only 28 people got moved around. 16 people went to Smackdown and 12 people went to Raw. There were 14 heels and 14 faces swapped. Let’s go to the basic list to start comparing them.

To Smackdown: Randy Orton (face), Mark Henry (Newly heel), Sin Cara (face), Daniel Bryan (face), The Great Khali & Ranjin Singh (face), Jimmy Uso (heel), Alicia Fox (heel), William Regal (heel), Yoshi Tatsu (face), Natalya (face), Jey Uso (heel), Ted DiBiase (heel), Tyson Kidd (heel), Tamina (face?), Alex Riley (heel), Sheamus (heel)

To Raw: Rey Mysterio (face), Big Show (face) Alberto Del Rio (heel), Jack Swagger (heel), Kelly Kelly (face), JTG (face), Drew McIntyre (heel), Curt Hawkins (heel), Chris Masters (face), Kofi Kingston (face), Tyler Reks (heel), Beth Phoenix (face)

Smackdown Analysis: No big surprise that Randy Orton was moved over to Smackdown. The program needed a number one face with Edge’s retirement. Orton had been hitting the glass ceiling around Raw anyway with John Cena. Give him top dog status. Which I find a little strange though because Christian is almost assuredly winning the World Heavyweight Title with Del Rio moving to Raw. There’s no chance of the WWE Title moving to Smackdown which makes me feel even stronger about that happening. Sheamus, Mark Henry and Wade Barrett will be the top three heels on the brand. One would have to think Sheamus will be dropping the United States Title at Extreme Rules since Barrett is the current Intercontinental Champion even though he doesn’t have a scheduled match yet. Sheamus is the only one of the three that can really get into the World Heavyweight Title picture the easiest. He could be the transition champion between Christian and Orton.

After those names, you head to what I said was “potential central”. Sin Cara (hot mess and moved to stay away from Rey), Daniel Bryan (He could beat Barrett to let him move up), Yoshi Tatsu (Was still over the last I watched Superstars despite limited chances), Ted DiBiase (needs to step it up more on the mic than in the ring but some there would help too), Tyson Kidd (Great ring work, in a bigger hole than DiBiase mic wise) and Alex Riley (It’ll be nice to not see him sucking on Miz’s teet). There are 3 faces and heels each so they can quarrel amongst themselves with some help for the faces from fellow draftee William Regal.

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