Headlines: Kurt Angle tears groin, Evolve/DGUSA make huge (read: small) announcement

According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle tore his groin during his match at TNA Final Resolution this past Sunday. Important things to note here:

  • Angle turned 44 on Saturday. That doesn’t make him old, but that doesn’t make him young.
  • Angle continues to bang himself up – knees, hamstrings, groins – to the tune of a lot of money and to the delight of, what, 1,400 fans worldwide?
  • When we make fun of wrestlers being fragile, we compare them to Kevin Nash, because his injuries all seemed to happen in WWE. We ignore Kurt Angle, because he’s basically wrestling in Dixie Carter’s back yard, so it doesn’t count.

Angle tweeted that he’d wrestle through the injury because he is a “cyborg.” According to Wikipedia, one characteristic of a cyborg is that “Cyborgs in fiction often play up a human contempt for over-dependence on technology.” We all know Angle very much entrenched in his own fictional world (or, as I like to call it, full of shit), so this is in direct conflict with his over-dependence on the technology of Twitter. Time to close the account!

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Evolve announced Saturday at its iPPV, “18” ( :-S ) that it had a huge announcement: John Morrison and the Young Bucks are headed back to Evolve/DGUSA in 2013! Holy cotton balls! The money I didn’t spend on Evolve 18 almost cowered in my wallet out of fear that I might yank it out and plop it down on a PPV featuring three guys at a total combined weight of 412 pounds and a total combined skill level of Paul Roma.

No one outside Twitter or “Z True Long Island Story” has seen hide nor hair of John Morrison in six months (CWF SuperClash does not count), and the last notable thing the Young Bucks did was piss off Booker T, the nicest guy in wrestling. Here’s hoping the Internet doesn’t erupt when all 1,399 people order that show! -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #193

Eric’s 12-shirt Mount Rushmore

It’s a three-man booth this week, with Dusty, Eric and Kevin discussing all sorts of relevant and pertinent and important professional wrestling topics. This week’s Top Five at Five includes John Cena wrestling CM Punk at Raw 1000, Daniel Bryan marrying AJ on the same show, Dolph Ziggler winning a Money in the Bank match and helping turn a stagnant Chris Jericho turn babyface, the rumors of who comprises TNA’s Aces & 8s stable (and why they probably aren’t calling themselves Dead Man’s Hand), and Kurt Angle no-showing the hall of fame inductions in Waterloo, Iowa. The boys also play a round of Match Game, plus they discuss what designs should go on the Mount Rushmore of pro wrestling T-shirts. All this and maybe a little bit more, if you’d just click the link below!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #193

Link

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 12 – John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

(Whew, this is it, the final day of the 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas, nearly two weeks of looking back at the dummies and their news stories of 2011. Let’s end it with a whimper: the perennially boring John Morrison decided to take time off after seeing the writing on the wall that no one cares about him; Chyna dove even deeper into the world of pornography, and Lita ill-advisedly appeared somewhere without make-up. *shudder*)

(Originally posted Dec. 12, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

“BRAAAAY”-kin’ the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab
Day 10: Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

Headlines: John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

"BRAAAAY"-kin' the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Becky Bayless posted this picture of herself and Serena Deeb on Twitter last night. I'm not going to pass up two hotties for my intro picture.

WWE leads us off with Piper’s Pit since he appeared on Funny or Die recently. They probably have more viewers than Raw right now. Cena is his guest. He re-explains himself. Roddy tells us he’s the face of the WWE. Man, is he actually going to make a good point on TV? I’d imagine Cena has heard this line of questioning back stage before. Roddy trying to get Cena to snap. I like Cena taking a stand. It’s not going to help his split response problems. I was hoping that was more of what Piper was getting at. Alex Riley is being told by John Morrison to look forward to taking his spot as a high ranking jobber.

The Miz attacks Morrison from behind. The joke of the Miz re-establishing anything in the WWE is hilarious. Morrison gets a courageous hero spot before he takes his supposed extended absence. I’m glad Dot Net was even further behind in reporting about Impact Wrestling and Smackdown. Head to Twitter (@Stuntgranny) to see my reviews. You might even be lucky enough to become our 100th follower! Morrison using the kendo stick to get in some offense. Morrison gets to do one last job. We get a replay of the beginning of the match. Our memories are really this short? Or the action was so impressive that it needed a replay? Just a buffer for the Miz to come out and talk. I’m supposed to take him more seriously, I suppose because he had a serious face. How about having him win an important match for more than one PPV at a time? Or without cheating? Just sayin.

The Divas are distracted by Beth & Natalya running around the ring. This division is not getting better. Alicia is the flavor of the month so she gets the pinfall victory. Cole can’t even get his dander up about how terrible they all are. WWE12 is pushed more than the Divas ever will be.

Johnny Wooden GM is doing Brodus Clay a favor. Thanks for the guest appearance David Otunga. Del Rio comes and the skit becomes a train wreck because no one can read all of the cue cards. Punk does fine because he doesn’t need cue cards.

Wade Barrett joins the announce crew. I’ll drink for WWE.com/Social because I want more of my beer. My home boy Dolph Ziggler takes on Randy Orton. Ziggler had a mid-main event match on Smackdown, now on Raw. Both of these guys throw picture perfect drop kicks. Dolph busts his out first. A superplex is our commercial break move. At least someone didn’t get thrown outside the ring. Wow, quick pin after the break. Ziggler gets the duke after a distraction from Barrett.

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Stunt Granny Lunch Conversation: Survivor Series Review, Jeremy & Eric, Nov. 21, 2011

the rock

I shit you not, this image came up when searching "chewing up scenery."

Jeremy: So what you think of Survivor Series?

Eric: I’m not gonna lie: it’s the first WWE PPV I’ve seen since we went to WrestleMania, and I liked it a lot. Thumbs higher than the middle. What about you?

Jeremy: Ehh, it was a decent show but for $55.00 I expect more. No new talent, nothing shocking or anything to make you talk about the show. I expected Nash or Triple H, Skip Sheffield, anything or anyone to make it a head slapper for not ordering and it wasn’t one of those shows.

Eric: I paid $5 to see it with a group of people I’d never met, and thankfully they were making references to Giant Gonzalez and random stuff like that, so they were cool.

Jeremy: I was all on my own. Well, I had Twitter.

Eric: Honestly, had Hunter or Nash come out, I would have slapped my head for being suckered into watching it. I’m so happy those two assholes stayed out of it.

Jeremy: Figured Nash would come out to cost Punk the title and Triple H would have stopped him. Suppose they are letting that angle actually play out for a while.

Eric: I thought there was plenty to talk about, just nothing earth-shattering. Dolph Ziggler coming into his own even more is worth talking about, yes?

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Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

I’m empty for news aside from sports. It’s not a good weekend when the highlight is my alma mater, the Kent State Golden Flashes, wins 24-21 on Friday evening on ESPN2 because of a shanked 20 some odd yard field goal. It was down hill from there. Pitt lost a close one to Cincinnati. Sunday was a train wreck. Fulham (English Premier League soccer) lost 3-1 after several near misses to tie it up late when it would have been 2-2. Fiorentina (Italian Serie A soccer. They are Florence’s team.) lost 1-0. To top off the shit sandwich, the Steelers did their best and bungled up a late lead. The defense being the main culprit since they were on the field last. Yuck. They’re still 6-3 with a fairly easy schedule. Just get into the playoffs. I suppose I did forget about the Penguins winning 3-2 in a shootout Saturday in Los Angeles but it’s too early in the season to start rejoicing about that.

I barely paid attention to Cena‘s pandering and shilling. Miz wakes me out of my slumber. Cena’s new shirt will continue to suck donkey balls. I stopped paying attention to them too. How can you take them seriously when they have nothing and continue to get slapped around? Zack Ryder helps out Cena. Hilarious that the guys are digging Zack but he’s teaming with Cena.

My boy Dolph Ziggler gets to beat John Morrison. Cole mentioned Twitter already. Let’s start a count. I may be wrong already with Cole & Lawler talking about the losing streak. Morrison messed up in the ropes but recovered fairly well. Ziggler gets another commercial break match.

Ziggler is showing some good offense. They really seem to be setting up a Morrison come back trail though since the announcers again are mentioning putting him away. Some fans chanting for Ziggler. Morrison executes the slowest ever tornado DDT. Yep, even the Vickie interference doesn’t work. This seems like a lot of commercial breaks for the beginning of the show.

Wow, they are trying to get me to tune out. Mason Ryan takes on JTG. I’m not sure if showing their Twitter handle counts for my game. The crossword puzzle joke was terrible but at least Lawler was trying. The crowd is bored stiff. The WWE should take notice that’s he’s not evening getting a pop in favorable territory.  More Wrestlemania hype. Look at all these dumb asses waiting in line. It’s called a computer. If you don’t have one, use one at a library. You do know where those are, right? Zack gets a cheese dick spot with the Bella Twins. He needs that on TV for those that don’t watch his show.

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