Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

American_757_on_final_approach_at_St_Maarten_AirportI’ll be shoving off on a Disney cruise with the whole DiFrango clan. Our first stop will be St. Maarten, pictured above. We will obviously be coming on a different mode of transportation than shown. Should be fun. And also a reason this week will be a little strange. Always a busy week before vacation. Hopefully, the lady & I will get to review Total Divas this week. It was a casualty of laying out our wardrobe last night. Raw will not on that hit list. Let’s roll.

Steph gets to kick off the show. Oh goodie. She shows us his make over. Nice of Daniel Bryan to fake chew the steak. Nothing drastic changed since they kept his beard & hair. It is a decent suit. I think he trimmed the beard or maybe he just combed it. Just mentioned the scraggly beard, so maybe not. Bryan is a wrestler not an entertainer. Nice shot at his first firing. His plan is to get Cena to tap at Summerslam. Vince McMahon comes down to talk make over which is ironic considering his choice in suits within the last decade, at least. The good old, negative is a positive promo again. Vince wants to shave the beard now. Wade Barrett is the barber for some unexplained reason. I would imagine it was to make him look even worse than he has recently. This is a perfect example of what Dusty & I talked about last week, how did Vince say to himself “I’m going to be in the best segment on Raw.”? Just awful. At least his part. Bryan had a good solo promo.

RVD gets a rematch against Alberto Del Rio. Justin Roberts has to intro Ricardo Rodriguez. Thank you for coming back. The Miz is on the mic. He’s back to running down Bryan because he wears a suit. Maybe that’s why you’re on a head set and he’s challenging for the WWE Title which will never see your waist again. They love having RVD miss the 1st Rolling Thunder for some reason. Rodriguez costs Del Rio the match. RVD gets the scissors pin. If you’re Christian, you’re taking notes? Really Miz. What do those thoughts consist of “Have opponent’s manager fuck up. Capitalize on mistake.” Wow, they really went over the top with the beat down. We’re back to Roberts. I hate you again Del Rio. The fact that neither Jerry Lawler nor Mitchell Cool are jumping all over JBL’s angle on Del Rio is pathetic.

Cody Rhodes has a gift for Damien Sandow. The breifcase has a water spot below it. Did he keep it in water the whole time? No way the interior of the suitcase didn’t dry out two weeks later. We’ve been getting a whole lot of video packages. Of course the stupid thing has sea weed in it. Damien Sandow comes down and tries to barter. The segment gets no response. JBL makes a good point about stolen property but yet again his partners have got nothing of substance.

Mark Henry and Ryback are going back at it in a Wrestlemania rematch. Ryback decides to get counted out. That was a waste of a segment.

The Bellas brag about looking hot and the ratings. Eva Marie comes in and sucks up to the Bellas. Natalya is back to talk. She slaps Brie and walks out. They’re holding Jojo down! John Cena comes out to talk about Daniel Bryan. He rebuts his points. He wouldn’t tarnish the WWE by going to a smaller league. Cena can’t get a “You can’t wrestle” chant going when he wants to. The “Boring” chant is unwarranted. Good stuff so far. Cena closes well too. Randy Orton comes down before Cena can leave. Fun little promo by Orton saying the Champ is Here with the briefcase. The Shield comes down. Bryan makes the save, right? Not even a save. Brad Maddox makes his first appearance. We got ourselves a main event.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed review of #WWE #Raw

toilet-roomI sat here like an idiot for about twenty minutes trying to come up with an intro. No luck. I started thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom, it’d help. I didn’t have to drop the kids off though so why go in there? Fuck it. Plus, starting this early means I should catch up. Let’s roll.

After the recap, we get Brad Maddox being led to the ring by Vince McMahon. Does Vince think this is a good way to give Bryan a rub? Daniel Bryan comes out. Is this supposed to be his “Pipe Bomb” moment? Vince tells him he doesn’t have “Ruthless aggression” and neither does Cena. Spontaneous combustion, huh? That’s the punch line to your long winded crap? We get a big old Yes chant going at the end with a bewildered Vince. Wait, Vince left before the Shield made it to the ring? I’m disappointed. Vince deserved an ass kicking for that load of garbage.

Mark Henry starts against Dean Ambrose. Then Seth Rollins. Then Roman Reigns for the big “power” match up. So Jey gets a tag so that the Shield can have some offense eventually. The Usos & Henry are standing tall at the break. The Shield has looked pretty terrible so far. The Shield looks good while I go crazy looking for tweets about the Pirates. Holy cow did they just open up that game in the bottom of the 7th. Why did Ambrose not dodge that cross body? Makes no damn sense at all. But then Ambrose counters after being hurt. Makes even less sense. Ambrose with his take down DDT for the win. Do they call that something? I vote for the “Hand of Justice.” It was one of my favorite Magic cards. Ryback was backstage with a bunch of people trying to make some awkward small talk. Damn, that slap looked rough. Because all backstage people know how to flat back properly.

The Wyatt Family is getting more vignette than Will Ferrell got “Cow bell”. Kane wants to know where the Wyatts are. Brad Maddox tries to goad on Kane to more violence.

RVD gets to wait for Fandango‘s long ass entrance. I checked out my Twitter feed. I’ll pay attention to the Stunt Granny variety when I catch up. I’d like this match up more in a feud format. Rising young star versus old veteran. Fandango rolls out of the ring before RVD can hit the Five Star. Summer Rae & Fandango get counted out. There’s still hope to stretch this one out. AJ Lee is bitching to Big E Langston. Then she laughs to keep him from talking. They gave him a perfect out. Why is he putting up with that garbage without getting some? That’s a minimum to tolerate that, right? Are hand jobs a minimum?

Interesting to have the Diva’s Title match at the top of an hour. Kaitlyn is taking on AJ Lee again. AJ gets the upper hand pretty easily. Kaitlyn deserved that knee to head after that weak ass roll up. How is your power diva going for a non-power move. The crowd doesn’t care much. Kaitlyn with a spear to win. The crowd is sort of happy. AJ freaks out. My boy Dolph Ziggler shows up. He wants a match right now against Langston.They hit the commercial.

Okay, I keep on forgetting to mention that it sounds weird to not hear JBL. Ziggler gets his match with Langston. Big E  is using his power to beat down Ziggler. My boy isn’t getting much traction for his comeback. Is it because no one in their right mind thinks Langston will beat Ziggler? AJ Lee attacks Ziggler. Big E starts bitching out AJ. Good for you. Zig Zag is a bit of a dick move. John Cena is talking on his cell phone when Daniel Bryan walks in. I like Bryan calling him a liar. Good stuff. Much better than the open.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Tripping hazard

I’ve got nothing for an introduction or a picture. Hopefully something will come to me during the show.

I can’t wait until the WWE starts selling that hoodie CM Punk is wearing. Punk is using the “You Can’t See Me” defense. I’m glad Punk is calling his theory ridiculous. Hilarious conspiracy stuff. Alex Jones like if that could be said. Booker T shows up for some reason. Glad Booker can provide me with a picture by tripping over his tongue three times. Punk is going to take someone on tonight in another contrived vote. I have no idea who ESPN said was going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Dind’t have time to check the news this afternoon. Ryback comes out. Weird opening segment. Ah, he’s just the hook.

Get our app so that you can watch the same material you’re seeing on TV. Antonio Cesaro will look good in this match but still not win it. Dietary health is very important to Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler. That was the highlight before the commercial break. I’m a bit surprised Cesaro is going for the cheap win. Landing from that back drop has got to be painful. Glad Lawler pointed out the obvious with dumb bell Ryback. Shell Shock for the win. I still expected more from Cesaro, Jerry.

Since one review wasn’t enough, we get a second on the Shield and John Cena. We’re at the thirty-five minute mark. Rey Mysterio throws a pitch for the app too. He also said something about CM Punk. The Shield does Shield stuff. Bored. Vickie Guerrero wonders if John Cena has a Death Wish. Glad she could make a Charles Bronson reference. I buzz thru the Trish Stratus review. Only truly significant female wrestler in my life time. I don’t count Moolah when she was fifty something.

The WWE App is pimped by Chris Jericho. His sales pitch blew. It was different though. Booker T is in the booth. Lucky us. Jack Swagger gets to be on the comeback trail against Santino Marella. The Ankle Lock is now the Patriot Act. He screams that he’s just getting started. I did like Booker bringing up buy rate demographics. Baby touch of realism from the WWE.

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@WWE Roster Game Special

The choices weren’t always easy.

This is a very special edition of Stunt Granny Audio, folks, because in this one Eric, Kevin and Dusty join forces to play the illustrious WWE Roster Game! For those not familiar, this is the game where the Stunt Granny-ites go to the roster page on WWE.com and pare the roster down, with the logic being they would be operating a weekly two hour show every week and they can fill their roster however they see fit in order to have the best company possible and make the most money possible. Because WWE.com changed their roster page format, this time the guys have 18 lines of 5 wrestlers each to pick from, and they pick 2 wrestlers from each line, for a total of 36 pieces of talent. Who do they keep? Who do they kick to the curb? Which were the easiest choices? Who were the most agonizing omissions? How many e’s does Justin Roberts put in Mr Cena’s first name? For all these answers and more, you can only find out by listening, so for god’s sake do it.

Stunt Granny Audio Show WWE Roster Game 2012

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

If you didn't like this week's Monday Night Raw, this picture should hopefully put things into perspective for you.

This one will be short and sweet since I’m feeling under the weather today. Kevin wanted me to do this because he’s busy with something or another else. We’re choking down Summer Slam, so they better make this count.

Triple H comes out to start the show. How long do you get to be the new COO of the company before you’re just the COO of the company? He said there were lots of changes going on in the company, what with them going from having no champion to now having two. He said they’re going to resolve that issue at Summer Slam with a match between John Cena and CM Punk to determine who the undisputed champion will be. Punk got a big pop again at the mention. Hunter said a match of that magnitude is going to need a special guest referee of equal magnitude to keep the law and order. So, of course, it’s going to be him. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming. Ray Charles could have seen that coming. A visually impaired person who needs the assistance of eyewear in order to see things properly could have seen that coming.

In any event, Hunter then got down to the business of laying out the format of the rest of the show. We’ve got a contract signing between Punk and Cena (I’m sure that will go just swimmingly), as well as individual matches for the both of them against other dudes. Hunter said Cena’s match is first, and actually it is going to be right then and there. I love how they do that on wrestling shows, the faux surprise “let’s have a match right now!” thing. What were they going to do otherwise with that time? Just show an empty ring? Have Triple H talk longer? Before they went to break, Cena got in Hunter’s face to question the guest referee stipulation. Hunter told him no one is bigger than him, basically laying down the law there. Interesting.

Back from break, and Cena is taking on Jack Swagger. WWE forgot to fire Swagger on Black Friday a while back, and they’re going to punish him for it by making him job on television. Or something like that. I’m not reviewing the matches this week in any sort of meaningful way, if you want to know the truth of it. Besides, Swagger is not good, so it would just be a bunch of sentences saying stuff like “Swagger did something poorly” and “Swagger sold something poorly.” I just saved you some time. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment for the victory. It was your basic John Cena match that he had every week while I was doing Smackdown reviews back in the day. I guess Swagger and Carlito are interchangeable.

Later in the show is going to be Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Isn’t Rey hurt? Isn’t Miz not much better off? What’s going on here? They show clips of Bret Hart vs. Curt Hennig from Summer Slam 1991, which is one of my favorite matches of all time, ostensibly to get people excited about this year’s Summer Slam. Done and doner.

Ricardo Rodriguez interrupts Scott Stanford (the broski of the forever) to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio is going to be taking on Punk tonight, and he vows to finish what he tried to start at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. So apparently Punk is a babyface now, in that he is a babyface when he is facing heels and a heel when he is facing babyfaces. Who doesn’t think Punk is this generation’s Randy Savage, the best thing to happen to wrestling in the last 10 years? If so, harm yourself immediately.

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Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

Guess who's back... back again...

I came up with that title at three o’clock this afternoon. See, cause it’s after the show aired? Eh? Ah, forget it.

Kevin is incapacitated this week, so I’m back here doing what I used to do every week – review Monday Night Raw for no pay whatsoever. Last week’s show lit the internet on fire in a blaze of controversy, so it will be interesting to see how this show fares in its aftermath.

We start with the new Raw belt on display, shades of the WrestleMania 4 tournament. All we needed was Robin Leach to read a pretentious proclamation before the match began. I really hate the way Justin Roberts strains some words out like he’s taking a gigantic dump. I’m sure someone in management told him to do it. Cole and Lawler introduce the show and say it’s right to the action as we’re going to start things off with Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz for the Raw Title. They show the entire lockerroom watching backstage. I’m loving this; it’s being treated like a big deal, and they’re guaranteeing a champion by putting the match on first and letting it go as long as it needs to. Cole puts over the tournament and the guys’ backgrounds like he’s good ol’ JR or something. (That’s post-show-watching foreshadowing, folks.) “If Rey Mysterio walked on water, you’d say, ‘Oh look, Mysterio can’t swim!'” – Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole.

We come back from break with Lawler taking a shot at the Obama-Boehner political debate that was going on tonight. They trade nearfalls and Miz becomes frustrated, which culminates in an almost Christian-like temper tantrum after a close two count. Miz blocks a 619 and hits a sitout powerbomb for a two count. “Miz looks like a Greek statue with that flower on his dick.” – Becky, in regards to Miz’s terrible trunks. Mysterio finally hits the 619 and top rope splash to win the match and the title. This was a great TV show match.

Miz attacks during the post-match celebration and lays out Mysterio. Alberto Del Rio’s music hits and he comes out with the briefcase, indicating he’s going to claim his title match right now while Mysterio is down and out. However, he takes too long to get to the ring, and Mysterio catches him with a dive to the outside. Del Rio retreats while vowing Mysterio hasn’t seen the last of him.

They come back from break showing Mysterio receiving a standing ovation from the boys in the back, who then shower him with champagne. Cena gets up in his face, but then shakes his hand and pats him on the back. Josh Mathews interviews Mysterio, who talks about his family and how much this win means to him. They then show clips of last week’s show ending angle with Triple H and Vince McMahon and advertise that Hunter will be doing a State of the WWE Address later on in the show.

We come back from break with clips of Dolph Ziggler beating Kofi Kingston at the Capital Punishment PPV to win the United States Title. This sets up Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero in his corner) taking on Evan Bourne. I love Zigglers’ “I Am Perfection” shirt. The font is very reminiscent of what they used for the WrestleMania 2 graphics. I’m all full of old WrestleMania references in this review, as you will see. Vickie is a heat machine at ringside. Evan’s selling is top notch. He is absolutely this generation’s Ricky Morton, and I hope WWE understands what a gift they have with him. Bourne hits a frankensteiner off the top for a two count. He misses a 450 splash and Ziggler takes control, locking in a sleeper hold for the victory. “Follow that!” Ziggler challenges. Great charisma. They then show a clip of Kofi beating Del Rio last week to set up this week’s rematch.

Every USA Network show is exactly the same. Have you noticed this? I can’t wait to see Vincent D’Onofrio star in this week’s Burn Notice. Or… wait… uh…

We’re back with a wacky backstage segment featuring some schmuck carrying around a pack of Keystone Light like he’s Buck Zumhofe with the stereo. Oh, it’s Keith Stone. Whatever. In any event, Eve complains to him that the Bella Twins always take advantage of the fact that they are identical to do sneaky switches behind the ref’s back and basically cheat for a living. Stone solves this problem by using magic markers to draw an arm sleeve tattoo on Nikki in a quick cutaway scene. There was no follow up to this whatsoever, so I have no idea what the point of it was, other than to try to get Dusty Giebink to commit suicide.

Maryse and Melina are already in the ring, so you just know this match is going to end up going well for them. They’re taking on Kelly Kelly and Eve tonight. Maryse carries herself like she’s hotness. Lawler again takes a shot at the political speech. They should be careful that these knocks aren’t advertising the thing, you know? Eve is basically dressed like a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader tonight. She also has huge knockers, so there’s that. Maryse actually hits a stinkface at some point in the match. Melina tags in and stinks up one side and down the other. Man, is she terrible. The match devolves into a four way brawl. Kelly hits the fameasser for the win. Everything not involving Melina was decent for women’s fare. They show R-Truth talking *at* (not to) Triple H backstage to hype up the State of the WWE Address.

During the break, Becky points out the genius of Hunter marrying Stephanie. Apparently she doesn’t believe in True Love.

Hunter comes out for his State of the Union address as Cole points out last week it was announced he’s taking over for Vince as the head of day to day operations of the company. Beck points out it’s like when Michael took over for Don Corleone in the Godfather. Hunter is even dressed like a mob boss here. Hunter gives dap to Vince to start things off. He says he’s here to talk about the future of the company, and congratulates Mysterio on his title win. He says Rey has agreed to defend the belt in a second title match here tonight against John Cena, since Cena was cheated out of the rematch he deserved by Vince.

Hunter then switches gears and says he’s re-hired someone the fans have been clamoring for for some time now. Everybody thinks it’s CM Punk, but it ends up being Jim Ross, I’m sure much to Eric Nelson’s glee. Lawler embraces Ross as Cole looks like Hunter just ran over his new kitty 37 times with a Hummer. Cole throws down his headset and grabs a microphone. He says Hunter said this was supposed to be about the future, but Jim Ross is the walking dead. He says he’s been a company man since WrestleMania, doing everything they asked him to do, but he will not commentate along with Ross. Hunter looks nonplussed in the ring during this rant. Cole gets in Ross’ face, saying he’s spent his entire WWE career kissing Vince McMahon’s ass, so it makes sense that now that Hunter is in charge, Ross would kiss his ass. “The only thing bigger than your ego is your gut!” Hunter politely asks if Cole is finished, and then says his first inclination was to outright fire Cole and replace him with Ross. He said that was a logistical impossibility, however, due to the terms in Cole’s contract. Therefore, he is giving Cole the rest of the show off, and he has until Friday Night Smackdown to make up his mind on what his future holds. If he no shows the Smackdown taping, it will be considered a breach of contract and Cole will be future endeavored. If he shows up, everything will be as normal, just with Ross calling Raw from now on. Cole changes his tune immediately, saying he wants to keep his job and sits back down at the announce booth. Hunter says Cole must have misunderstood him, because he said he’s given Cole the night off from announcing. However, he better get to the back and get changed, because he’s got a match coming up next. He says if Cole refuses to do the match, it will again be considered a breach of contract and he will be fired. He said he left Cole some wrestling gear in the back, so he has no excuses.

As Cole is storming out of the scene angrily, R-Truth appears to confront Hunter. He says it’s out with the old and in with the new and he digs that. He starts talking to himself. This is a great gimmick. He tells Hunter that Little Jimmy cost him his match at Capital Punishment, and spiders and heights cost him his match at the Money in the Bank PPV. He asks Hunter what he’s going to do to end the vast conspiracy that exists against him. Hunter starts talking to himself as a way of mocking Truth. This is the type of stuff Hunter is still funny at. “Man, you crazy!” “I know, it’s like I’m insane!” “You might be a game, but I ain’t playing!” As Truth is walking off, Hunter stops him and announces that he has re-signed another guy, and this guy wants a piece of Truth. Cue John Morrison. Morrison and Truth brawl all over ringside and Morrison hits the Starship Pain to end the segment. Good stuff, because it wasn’t just 20 minutes of Hunter talking about himself. They accomplished a bunch of stuff in this segment and none of it was “get over Hunter,” really.

Back from break with Cole coming out dressed like Triple H and spitting the water for cheap comedy. I guess they can’t get that completely out of their systems yet. “I forgot about those ugly tattoos,” Jim Ross truths. Zack Ryder is announced as his opponent. Fans are actually chanting Ryder’s name. The match is over so quick I still had my head down writing the above couple sentences. I hope this is the start of some type of TV push for Ryder.

They show clips from last week’s Kofi vs. ADR match to set up this week’s rematch. Ricardo Rodriguez is out there to introduce Del Rio. All is right with the world. Kofi hits a sloppy non-fruit rollup (oh yeah). Del Rio retreats as they cut to a quick break.

Back from break and Del Rio has taken control of the match. Kofi hits a high crossbody for a two count. He then hits the boom drop or whatever the piss they’re calling it. He takes too long to hit a kick of some description and Del Rio hits the old Cactus Jack double arm DDT. Kofi counters a roll through with one of his own (shades of Bret vs. Owen from WrestleMania 10 – see, I told you!), but Del Rio grabs the ropes. Del Rio finally locks on the cross armbreaker for the submission victory. Not a bad match.

Back from break, they advertise Rey vs. Cena for the belt, but first Josh Mathews interviews the Miz backstage. Miz says he can’t believe Cena has a title match after almost being fired last week. He said Vince had the right idea, but Hunter came in and ruined things. He says Cena caused this whole mess to begin with by losing the title to He Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. He says it’s a shame that the face of the company now is a man who does not even show his face, but rather hides it behind a mask. He gets in a cheap plug for his appearance on the George Lopez Show, coming up Wednesday. So did I, just there. He says Hunter’s reign thus far has been a huge mistake.

All my neighbors mowed their lawns today. I mean, I’m unemployed, so days of the week mean absolutely nothing to me, but I still mow my lawn on the weekend, just because it seems like a very weekendy thing to do. You know, you just have more time on the weekend to do things like that. I wonder why everyone in this neighborhood chose Monday afternoon as designated lawn mowing time. Seems bizarre to me.

We come back from break and learn that ugly chicks dig Cena. He really is the new Shawn Michaels. Cena and Mysterio fist bump before the match as Ross points out they are not allowed to refer to CM Punk by name on the air. (He did it without saying his name, of course. Although, it would have been funny if he was like, “I’m not allowed to say CM Punk. Oh shit!”) Back and forth action to start. Lawler points out that Cena might have the advantage here since Mysterio has had to wrestle once already tonight. Nice touch. Mysterio gets a DDT in for a two count. Cena locks in an STF but Rey gets to the ropes. Cena counters a 619 with a powerslam for two. Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the F-U but Rey counters it.

Bunch of counters time! Rey locks in the STF. Cena powers out of it with one leg, which looks awesome. Rey hits the 619 but takes too long to attempt the top rope splash and Cena gets his knees up. Rey tries for the frankensteiner but Cena counters it with a powerbomb. Cena gets a near fall with a top rope fameasser that I think fooled the crowd. Rey counters the F-U, Cena counters the 619, and hits the F-U to win the title. Rey looked good in losing there. Cena and Rey embrace and then Cena celebrates with the title. Wait a minute, though. What’s that music?

Cue CM Punk coming to the ring! Punk gets into the ring for a face-off with Cena. The crowd gave Punk a huge reaction when he came out. Sort of like, “YAY! I’m so glad he’s back… wait a minute, I’m supposed to hate him! BOO!” Cena holds up his belt to a big reaction. Punk holds up his belt to an even bigger reaction. This is where the show ends. We’re left to ponder whether Punk is the third guy Hunter re-signed since taking control of the company, or if he just showed up on his own accord. And if he is back in the fold, will this set up a title-for-title match with Cena? If so, when? SummerSlam? This is exactly what a good wrestling television show should do. Another strong thumbs up from me here.

Meet Lilian’s Replacement

She's a real pretty lady, Richard...

She's a real pretty lady, Richard...

So, I’d like to introduce you to Lilian Garcia’s replacement, Lauren Mayhew. She won’t technically be replacing Lilian, I should point out, since she will be acting as the Smackdown ring announcer while Justin Roberts slides over to take over the duties on Raw. I’d like to congratulate Justin on the promotion, since I feel like he is great at what he does and definitely deserves it.

As for Lauren, obviously I don’t know much about her, but I do know she has a YouTube page (which can be found here http://www.youtube.com/user/laurenmayhew) and a website (which can be found here (http://www.laurenmayhew.com), so everyone should just go to those sites if they are desperate for more information about her. Here is a video of her doing the National Anthem, and I can tell she’s already worlds better than the ol’ Perpetual Failure she’s replacing. – Dusty

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