Weekend Rewind – #Impact365 and Kassius Ohno

In the video above, you can see Bully Ray attacking Tommy Dreamer and dear lord, why is Terry Funk still taking bumps? You’re 69 years old. It’s unnecessary. I’m perfectly fine with my father having mowing lawns being his most strenuous activity. Any who, Bully Ray challenged Tommy Dreamer to a Falls Count Anywhere Street Fight at the House of Hardcore even this past weekend. I love the idea of using a house show to advertise a pay per view. Too bad I don’t in any way  want to see Tommy Dreamer fight anyone.

Prowrestling.net is saying that Kassius Ohno, better known as Chris Hero, has been “Future Endeavored” by the WWE. The 33 year old is going to move on to greener pastures if that is the case. It took CM Punk about six years to get to main event status. If Ohno had gone to the gym, he might have gotten a main event slot in approximately 2019 when he’d be 39 years old. The WWE isn’t losing much by getting rid of him and Ohno will get more exposure at the tail end of his career by suffering in TNA or ROH. If the WWE had called him up, they would have followed the pattern with recent major call ups though, Ohno would become a cousin to Apolo Anton Ohno since he could come out on a sheet of ice on the stage and have a big entrance. Everyone will think it’s cool for about two months then even the WWE writers will forget you’re on the roster…cough, Fandango, cough. – Kevin

Kassius Ohno is skating on thin ice

Kassius Oh No He's About To Get Fired

Kassius Oh No He’s About To Get Fired

Once again, from Facebook by way of the Observer:

Plans for NXT star Kassius Ohno, f.k.a. Chris Hero, to join the main roster have apparently been put on hold.

According to a source, the creative team had a storyline to introduce Ohno this summer. People within the company were impressed with his in-ring skills and his promos, and had asked him to improve his physique while creative worked on his introduction. According to trainers at NXT, Ohno seemed reluctant in the weightlifting and gym sessions, although he continued to receive high marks for his overall attitude and the great effort in his daily in-ring sessions.

Word got back to Triple H about Ohno dodging gym time, and he was removed from TV tapings. Ohno has missed two tapings in the past few weeks, and there is said to be increased concern about his status with the company. A lot of people are still high on him, but this could prove to be costly for one of the top prospects in WWE’s developmental system.

It is obvious to this reporter that Ohno was not a Hulkamaniac growing up. Train. Say your prayers. Take your vitamins. Believe in yourself. This bloke is 0-for-4 on all accounts, sad to say.

In any event, this is another byproduct of today’s pro wres scene, where everyone has to look the same, talk the same, be the same build, and wrestle the exact same style. Because Ohno dares to be different in any way whatsoever, he will never work in WWE. At least then he’ll be able to debut in TNA with a “bullshit of the politics behind that curtain” promo, so he’s got that going for him. – Dusty

Albert/Giant Bernard is coming to WWE for realz.

Over the weekend word leaked that A-Train, Albert, Giant Bernard or Matt Bloom was returning to WWE. Well it is time to give him another name and that is Lord Tensai. The name sure sounds impressive and actually fits the man in this case but what is WWE’s deal with giving white guys Asian names? First Chris Hero becomes Kassius Ohno and now Matt Bloom is Lord Tensai. Aren’t there any good Bulgarian names left out there to use?  -Jeremy

Oh yes: Chris Hero added to FCW roster under the name Kassius Ohno

(L to R) The yet-to-be-hired Ricky Steamboat, Jr., Kassius Ohno, the soon-to-be-fired Evan Bourne, the smaller-than-Evan-Bourne PAC.

According to Prowrestling.net, Chris Hero, indy darling who finally signed on with WWE after months of medical clearances and haggling with Triple H about cutting his ratty hair, has been added to the Florida Championship Wrestling roster under the name Kassius Ohno.

Look, WWE, we’re not stupid. We know you enjoy renaming wrestlers whose characters you didn’t create as a doodle on your seamstress’ sketchpad while Cranky Vince McMahon tried to finger her – with CM Punk being one of very few exceptions. And you love using the lesser-known aliases of ex-WWE wrestlers or other recognizable athletes – Santino Marella after Bob “Gorilla Monsoon” Marella, Khosrow Daivari after Khosrow “Iron Sheik” Vasiri, and the one that I’m sure kept you up all night, Kenny Dykstra after Lenny Dykstra. I even offered a few names for Hero at the PWTorch.com VIP Forum:

Parker Peter
Bruce Bannnnner
Bruce Mitchell
Bruce Sammartino
Braden Walker
Chris Weiner
Chris Doubledeedoo
Chris Morneau
Chris Kennedy (if he’s smart, he’ll pick that, then cut his hair)

But Kassius Ohno takes the fucking cake. This may be the most bizarre name a white man on the WWE roster has ever had. Is it a play on Cassius Clay, the current Muhammad Ali? He’d be touched. Is it a play off former WCW stereotype Sonny Onoo? He’d be touched, if you gave him $500 and a ride from Mason City, Iowa, to Albert Lea, Minn. So let’s save a post and allow me to wish Ohno the best in his future 2013 endeavors. -Eric

"Hey, nip me, pay me!"

UPDATE: Jeremy just asked me, “Is ‘Ohno’ even an Asian name?” That caused me to think of Apolo Ohno, the speed or figure skater, whatever he is. In pop culture, Ohno is a revered sporting name that will go down in the annals of athletic history with Wepner, Strawberry and Beefcake. In pro wrestling, a slight alteration of the spelling makes me think of the weaselly, photo-snapping tourist. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

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