Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 3/26/11

1. Abdullah the Butcher – I told a co-worker for the first time since I started here that I’m a pro wrestling fan. Of course he wanted to make sure I knew it was fake, but then he knowingly talked about wrestlers using pieces of razor blades to cut themselves during matches. I told him about Abdullah the Butcher and the scar tissue into which he can insert a quarter. I thought my co-worker was gonna puke. – Eric

2. The Miz – Let’s see how many times he ends up on the list this week. The Miz’s appearance on “Conan” was the stuff televisions were made for. Not too many people could verbally get the better of Conan O’Brien, but Miz unabashedly talked over the host, then gave him the nickname “Ginga Ninja” and the catchphrase, “Step into my dojo, mofo!” I really hope it sticks. – Eric

3. Bret Hart – The Hitman relieved himself of the old “HitmanBretShart” Twitter handle but kept up the juvenile, one-sided war of words with Hulk Hogan, particularly via Twitpic (or YFrog, or whatever, who cares), portraying Hogan as a withered-up old hanger-on, to the enjoyment of a few thousand smelly Internet nerds. Meanwhile, Hogan made a cameo on “American Idol,” still one of TV’s biggest rated shows. In other words, fuck you, Bret Hart. – Eric

4. TNA Impact – I swear I am trying to watch this show but damn they make it difficult. This is the exact train of events of trying to watch this week: I went to the DVR menu. I chose Impact. I fast forwarded thru the end of Gangland. I stopped when I saw Ken Anderson. I started getting annoyed at the opening. I fast forwarded until I saw a marker board in the ring. I got more annoyed. I shut it off after four minutes of viewing. I then got a text from Dusty. It wasn’t positive. How the hell were we watching at the same time when we are in different time zones anyway? – Jeremy

5. Michael Cole – Cole is the greatest heel in wrestling. He would make a great character in WWE comics. I mean he already has his own hideout in the Cole Mine as well as a loyal henchman. – Jeremy

6. Eddie Edwards – He won the Ring Of Honor title. He defeated Roderick Strong. Past champions in ROH include CM Punk, Samoa Joe and Homicide. We once met Homicide in Orlando, which is the home of Walt Disney World and Universal Studios.  We were trying to drunkenly speak with Cheerleader Melissa. She was a very nice person but her friend was annoyed. I bet if she knew who we were it would  have had a much more positive effect on her. By the way,  I used these names so I can tag them without a hint of guilt for hits for the site. – Jeremy

7. Kurt Angle – As Eric posted earlier today, Angle was arrested today in North Dakota when he couldn’t keep his car on the road. Police smelled alcohol on him and he was done for. Does TNA have the least professional locker room in wrestling history? There just seems to be no discipline or personal responsibility whatsoever there. – Dusty

8. Kurt Angle’s mugshot – It’s as if he’s simply taking a fan photo on a sunny afternoon.

9. Ian Rotten – Recently ethered into oblivion on some blog talk radio show by a 40 year old weirdo. I experienced this audio in the following way: The two idiots are yelling at each other. I am drowsy. I fall asleep. I wake up. The two idiots are still yelling at each other, now in harsher tone. Ian is basically every lowest common denominator wrestling fan ever, separated only by the fact that he actually got to run his own shows. So kudos for that. – Dusty

10. WWE’s partnership with Kmart – I guess WWE figures before all the Kmarts in the world are driven out of business by the existence of Walmart and the fact that they are crummy, dirty stores, they better form a partnership with them to promote their house shows. Soon enough, though, Ian Rotten will be hosting IWA MS shows on the parking lots of each and every one of these fine retail stores. – Dusty

11. TNA’s Spring Cleaning Sale – Don West is the fucking fucking man.

Dusty

Kmart to sponsor WWE live events… they’re still open?

"I bought this Sharpie at Kmart! Woo hoo!"

According to BusinessWire.com, Kmart has become the exclusive presenting sponsor of all WWE live events in the U.S. through the rest of 2011. Didn’t Kmart shut down, like, 500 stores a few years ago, then get bought by Sears, which anchors failing shopping malls across America? But hey, who am I to tell Sears what to do… except take their charge card with 25% interest and shove it. Anyway…

As the exclusive presenting sponsor of WWE’s “Live Tour,” Kmart will be incorporated into all promotional elements of the live events including marketing materials, tickets and digital platforms. The partnership will also include in-program exposure, as well as :30 commercial units during WWE’s “Monday Night Raw®” on USA Network and “Friday Night SmackDown®” on Syfy. WWE will support the partnership by creating a microsite on WWE.com which will host several sweepstakes and exclusive offers; featuring ads in WWE Magazine and WWE event programs; and providing in-store appearances by WWE Superstars and Divas.

Let’s put this into real words: As John Cena continues to tell gay jokes and drive away sponsors in droves (oh wait, that’s Wade Keller’s prognostication), the USA Network and Comcast wanted some serious money from a sponsor, all locked in for the rest of the year. When Kmart/Sears stepped up to the plate, WWE was forced to throw in a bunch of value-added stuff, like weirdly juxtaposed ads into their magazines and programs, a microsite on WWE.com that no fan will ever go to (no matter how many Kenmore washers and Jaclyn Smith blouses they give away), and asking Jerry “The King” Lawler to take 30 minutes out of his weekly mall prowl to sign autographs across the street at Kmart. Good for everyone who’s making money on this, but it’s as strange of a fit as the Voit shoes my mom bought me from Kmart when I was 8 years old and was still a nerd. Thanks for nothing, Mom. -Eric

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