David Otunga picks up role in a WWE Studios movie starring… Halle Berry??

A-whuuuuh?

According to Prowrestling.net, the latest news of the day is that David Otunga has been cast in a new movie titled “The Hive,” a WWE Studios project starring Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin.

However, according to me, the news is that Halle Berry, an Academy Award-winning actress who commands upwards of $10 million a movie (and bared her incredible, Esquire-“Sexiest Woman Alive”-winning breasts in “Swordfish”) has, after a stellar 23-year career, fallen from grace and taken a role with a studio that has produced such instant classics as “The Marine,” “The Marine 2,” “Knucklehead” and “Bending the Rules” with Jamie Kennedy (who, in 2005, was nominated for the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actor).

I mean, I fully expect the straight-to-DVD treatment for the former “Little Miss Sunshine” (who, in her Wikipedia picture, looks like a trafficked whore). What’s next, Julia Roberts and R-Truth in a movie about a runaway taxi cab? (Careful, Eric, don’t give away too many good ones!) -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 2/12/11

1. Vince McMahon – So you are off television for nearly a year. You were mentioned as being in a coma. You wake up in a toss away bit for your wife’s election campaign. So the next logical step is to return to WWE programming. Of course you need to hype it. Somehow Vince returned with a whimper by returning and announcing he will have a big announcement next week about a guest host. Underwhelming to say the least. – Jeremy

2. CM Punk – Never has a bloody nose looked so good on television. Randy Orton breaking CM Punks nose was the best part of their blossoming program so far. Seeing blood on WWE programming is such a rare thing now that something so small can really help an angle. Even if it was accidental it definitely made the angle more personal. – Jeremy

3. Kurt Angle’s kids – You see Impact? What an idiotic angle they are playing with between The Jarrett’s and Kurt Angle. If you saw Impact then you saw the heels act perfect instead of acting like overbearing and mean parents. Then the actual father of some of the kids never gets a chance to retaliate or counter. Angle himself was notably upset taking to Twitter to rip on how it is processing so far. – Jeremy

4. Vince McMahon – The poor guy (and I definitely don’t mean monetarily poor) had to swallow his pride and tell investors that not only did WWE make less money in the fourth quarter of 2010 than the fourth quarter of 2009, but one of the few things they did right this year was fiscal “discipline.” A company that has to admit being smart with its money, has only really ever admitted that one time for a three-month block of its existence, and STILL has “Legendary” and “Knucklehead” on its books is one that would send Jim Cramer of “Mad Money” to a sealed garage with a car key and a rope. – Eric

5. WWE vs. TNASo the Green Bay Packers ended up winning the Super Bowl and it was a natural fit to have Aaron Rodgers, the MVP, receive title belts after the victory since showing off an imaginary title belt is his end zone celebration. Take a good look TNA, they were all WWE titles not your worthless pieces of trash. – Kevin

6. Immortal – After watching Impact for some reason it has come to mind that this may possibly be the worst assembled collection of wrestlers of any stable in the history of wrestling. The Dungeon of Doom at least had a concept behind them. What does Immortal have? Let’s go over this sarcastically: Matt “please look at me play a wrestler” Hardy; Loopy Hardy; Gunner and Murphy (Gay porn names and looks. How I know is my secret); Rob “man with the exploding arms” Terry; Jeff “Yup I am still around” Jarrett; Eric “Farmer Jack” Bischoff and now “Hey didn’t you used to be” Hernandez. Wow. Strikes terror in the very soul. – Jeremy

7. WrestlemaniaI want to thank all three of the cities I had an opportunity to sit down with and hear what they had to say. This morning I woke up and had a great conversation with Vince. Once I had that conversation with him, I think I was set. Next spring, Wrestlemania is bringing it’s talents to South Beach and Sun Life Stadium. –  LeBron James

8. Curt Hennig – This week marked the eighth anniversary of Hennig’s untimely death, which was acknowledged by Jim Ross on his barbecue blog and by Scott Hall on his YouTube video blog, Last Call with Scott Hall. Mr. Perfect was one of my all-time favorite wrestlers and gimmicks, and to have met him would have been an honor. I did meet his widow, Leonice, and she is a sweetheart. I also tried to steal Amy Hennig’s WLW Women’s Championship away from her, but she spit her gum in my eye and neck-snapped me to the floor. Oops! – Eric

9. Kevin Nash & Blackmail – So here’s the story as I understand it. Nash signed a contract with TNA because he was basically planning on milking money out of them until either they went out of business or he died. But then WWE came a callin’ with a contract, so he asked Dixie for a release. When she said no, he threatened to reveal some secrets he knows about TNA so she immediately released him and next thing you know he’s a surprise entrant at the Royal Rumble. I see nothing in this story that hurts my “Kevin Nash is one of the smartest men in wrestling history” theory. Meanwhile, the secret *has* to be that Dixie and Russo are fucking, right? Because they totally are and I’m not even kidding. – Dusty

10. Booker T – I waited until I could see Smackdown to post this one because my feelings were confirmed and Booker was a million times better as an announcer this week than last week. I suspect he will continue to grow into this spot and make Smackdown a must see destination for wrestling fans. Meanwhile, Matt Striker on Raw means avoid avoid avoid at all costs. – Dusty

11. Vince McMahon – I got nothing, I just wanted to be the third person to have an entry this week entitled “Vince McMahon.” Uh, go check out didthecavswinlastnight.com. It’s the new best website ever. – Dusty

Triple H Has A Movie

I guess since I watched the trailer for “Knucklehead,” Youtube deemed it so tat I would enjoy this piece of trash. Yes, it’s the trailer for “the Chaperone” starring Triple H. I really want to dissect this thing for you, the loyal reading public but there are really no new words to describe shit.  Expectations are so low for WWE produced, cough, films, that this was really not shocking. Triple H plays the Rock, Hulk Hogan, Vin Diesel, Jackie Chan bit of the tough guy tossed in to a suburban environment and connects with a bunch of kids. Then the bad guys show up and instead of just shooting the dumb brats they allow them to use firecrackers to distract them instead of lining them up and curb stomping them to that big kindergarten in the sky.

If there is one thing to praise in all of this it is the epic beard that Triple H sports in the first half. It doesn’t look real at all which means it probably is and is as bad as it appears. Also, look out for Yeardley Smith clearing slumming it in the hopes this ignites her career and thus she can hold up The Simpsons people for more money. I like her way better in The Legend of Billie Jean but then it was all about Helen Slater in that flick anyway. So look for this on Netflix soon. It can be set to the instant queue right next to Knucklehead and Legendary. -Jeremy

Big Show Has A Movie Trailer: Knucklehead

Yup, that’s right; it is the official trailer for WWE Films “Knucklehead” featuring The Big Show.

It would be easy to start off with the following line: “Apparently a bunch of knuckleheads approved financing for this movie.” but I am sure this will be abundantly used through countless other DVD reviews.

So, starting differently, this is going to be a total piece of shit. Is it any wonder that Samuel Goldwyn films makes abotu $0.77 on every movie they finance? This just shows that the sophomoric writing of WWE is accepted outside the WWE machine. Look, I don’t care who wrote it so save it. This is garbage inside of a dead baby’s coffin bad. If you wonder how this opinion was obtained you can follow these simple rules.

1: Fat/large guy falls a lot.

2: Fat/large guy has gastrointestinal issues

3: Fat/large guy is not retarded

4: Fat/large guy is the star of the movie

5: WWE is associated with the picture in any way. (Oh yeah that’s a zinger)

I had some hope that Melora Hardin would get naked in this since she is dreamy but then it is PG-13 and geared for kids. You know, the retard generation who laugh at anything.  So watch this and then come back in a month when I get it from Netflix. -Jeremy

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