@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

bizarro_world

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– I really wish England would have made Magnus‘s promo a Bizarro World style one where the crowd cheered for him. Unfortunately, the crowd really wasn’t that into him. Kurt Angle is going to continue using Sting’s description of Magnus as a “Paper Champion” which is catching on for some reason but it shouldn’t be. That term is older than most of JBL’s references. Dixie Carter tried to talk Magnus out of a match that could make Angle or Samoa Joe number one contender but it wasn’t successful. I like Magnus’s defiance to Dixie is reasonable and not over the top anger which makes his character interesting. Too bad he isn’t selling it to me in any other way.

Lai’d Tapa is still so undependable that she wasn’t tagged into her own match with Gail Kim against Madison Rayne & Velvet Sky. The match was window dressing for her angle with Chris Sabin though. I’m glad Velvet ended their relationship because that angle had tons of potential and TNA pissed it away.

– I don’t like Kurt Angle & Samoa Joe only threatening Bobby Roode ahead of the main event. You know the heels have been getting help from their friends. Take the friends out so they can’t get help. Baby faces shouldn’t always be dumb.

– The James Storm makes up with Gunner promo was supposed to be touching with buddies realizing that they went over board with each other. It does happen in real life but two tough guys like this don’t make up with words. They make up by beating the hell out of a common enemy. They did that against Christopher Daniels & Kazarian, who are perfect foils for this situation. Too bad they didn’t interrupt this lovefest earlier.

– The only thing good to come out of Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards first appearance in the ring was the stipulation that no one could interfere in the match or else you are fired, which makes threatening Bobby Roode pointless by Angle & Joe. Why are you wasting your own TV time being redundant? You only have two hours. You can’t waste it like that.

– I like the story they are telling with Abyss and Eric Young trying to control him. They’ve treated this whole angle as an experiment, using the term often, and he’s been testing out hypotheses. I believe his thinking in having a Monster’s Ball match is to snap Abyss out of his rampage by making him sympathize when he beats the tar out of Young next week and turn back into Joseph Park.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

Probably my favorite Christy Hemme picture ever. Saved from Fanpop.com.

– The Samuel Shaw angle was completely not sold by Mike Tenay or Jeremy Borash, which is criminal. Shaw had a basement wallpapered in Christy Hemme along with having a mannequin of her that he kissed to close the segment. I know Bully Ray, who came out next, is more important but don’t you think you talk about the angle you just saw as Bully makes his way to the ring? Shaw needs some help to sell his angle. He’s new. Bully Ray can sell his own angle. And that’s exactly what he did. Ken Anderson continues to have not developed on iota since leaving the WWE. They’ve beaten this feud to death so I’m glad a casket match will put it out of it’s misery.

– The “Investor” got out of the car before their last commercial break. I haven’t been this unexcited for a TNA announcement ever, which is quite a statement. I haven’t read the spoilers because that’s a waste of my reading time. Samoa Joe ended up choking out Magnus to become number one contender. Samoa Joe really hasn’t developed at all since he came from ROH. Mostly yelling again in this promo. Pull another tone out of the bag of tricks. Just as Kurt Angle starts to talk my DVR cuts out so I don’t know who the investor is. It’s 12:08 EST. I’ll find out who it is after a nice sleep. (Next Day Note: It really was MVP. So TNA decided to cut Hulk Hogan & AJ Styles but they brought in Edwards, Richards and MVP. TNA is probably still saving on pay roll but doesn’t it bringing in these guys undermine the concept? They’re not going to improve their product. MVP has been gone for so long, I barely remember that I loved his character a decade plus ago.) – Kevin

@ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis of #Genesis

I may be desecrating one of the finest pieces of art the world has ever seen by using it for this column header.

I may be desecrating one of the finest pieces of art the world has ever seen by using it for this column header.

– I was pre-warned on a certain Facebook Wrestling Fan Page that I was about to watch a twenty plus minute opening talking segment for this pay per view level free TV show. I have never, ever (Think Chris Jericho) watched a PPV with an opening talking segment. Especially one that ended up lasting the twenty eight minute mark when the first match was made. To be fair, there was a brawl involved but that was one of the problems. Sting got his hands on Ethan Carter III. Why would you show that when you have kept EC3 a step ahead of Sting so far? Save their first action for the match. How hard is that?  Then just to make sure they screw this up, they cut the segment right after Sting does attack him. What the fuck people? If you’re going to show the attack, commit to it and show more of it. Don’t cut the segment five seconds in.

– The Austin Aries vs Chris Sabin argument suffered from the same problem that I noted last week, Velvet Sky hasn’t shown affection to Chris Sabin for fans to feel bad for her because of her scummy boyfriend. I liked Aries delivery but the material was terrible. Chris Sabin is still not good with a microphone. Velvet Sky isn’t a good talker either. It’s about time they use her for something useful. She’s an underutilized talent who doesn’t need to be in the ring to shine.

– I like the reaction from Samuel Shaw when Simon Dimon confronted him but it makes no sense why Dixie Carter would want to keep someone employed who this large of a problem. He assaulted a non-wrestling employee. That is unacceptable.

Bully Ray came down for his street fight match against his Ken Anderson but didn’t think to expect the Pearl Harbor attack on the ramp. When did Bully Ray turn into a dumb baby face? He’s been trying to light people on fire in recent weeks. That’s a heel move if I’ve ever seen one. This match is just reinforcing that he’s turned into a baby face. He took a Swanton Bomb on a guard rail, kick out then Mic Check, kick out then Rolling Hills through a table and Bully Ray kicks out a third time. But then Bully Ray breaks out the light fluid again. Wait, he’s a heel again? Then what happens next is even more bizarre, Anderson goes heel for a moment and puts the lighter fluid on the table. It distracts him long enough for Bully Ray to pile drive him for the win. Another baby face moment for Bully Ray. The heel is always the one who tries to go too far and gets hit with the finisher out of the blue by the baby face for the clean win. Bully Ray also didn’t really ever show the super evil side by slipping out of this match with a win. My head is ready to explode again. Another highlight of this match was Mike Tenay telling us several times that Genesis is so large it’s going to be next week too. That’s not how PPVs work!

– Oh my lord, Dixie Carter is saying “Best of” insert something here. How much material can you poach from the WWE? It’s entirely too close to best of business which was thankfully never said. Postponing a match sucks. Another non-PPV move.

– I liked the Gail Kim versus Madison Rayne match. Mike Tenay and Taz did a good job setting up the history of these two Knockouts. The ladies had a solid match. The only problem I had with it was Gail seemed to target the ribs in an earlier back stage attack but didn’t attack them during the match. She did take advantage of Rayne’s weakened staate during the match so I’ll let it slide. Kim has an excuse for the losing the title because Lai’d Tapa, who still sucks, got herself booted from ringside. Madison Rayne became the new champ with not a lot of fan fare. They have re-introduced her well so people just must not be that into her.

Eddie Edwards and Davey Richards signed their contracts this morning with a new investor. Oh joy, more power struggle. Dixie Carter just took hold of the company, why are they ready to break her grip on the roster now? If you’re going to make her the evil owner, commit to it for more than two months.

– The ending of the EC3 vs Sting match made sense in that the heel needed to cheat to win. But going back to the PPV quality show that is now stretching two weeks has a match of this poor of a quality during a main event? Really? That’s the best you’ve got? Brutal. Sting is actually doing a decent job of selling Magnus’s heel turn. Magnus is not holding up his end of the bargain. What weird gay thing did Sting have going on while calling Magnus “A little boy”? Magnus negotiating Sting’s possible firing gives him some teeth as a heel too. – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #ImpactLive

MVP! MVP! MVP!

MVP! MVP! MVP!

In dog related news, Kia is doing as well as she can while still having a heart murmur. I’m happy to have some piece of mind that it isn’t an immediate problem. Other good news, my boy Andrew McCutchen of the Pittsburgh Pirates won the NL MVP in a landslide with 28 of 30 first place votes. Way to go Cutch. I’m going to review a very un-MVP like edition of Impact Wrestling to make up for being lazy in the audio department this week. You’re a lucky group of readers. Let’s roll.

They start off with a lower quality version of WWE’s video packages. At least they’re hyping the main event between Austin Aries and  Kurt Angle. Aces & Eights come out. Tazz gets to brag. Bully Ray talks trash to Mike Tenay. He’s the puppet master. He may have fooled us but it was to assault Mr. Anderson. Not exactly who you should pull that on. Don’t you wait for a higher quality target? He accepts Mr. Anderson’s match. Ken Anderson graces us with his presence. Anderson requests a break up Aces & Eights for his career in TNA match stipulation. Anderson is dumb for the second week in a row and takes on Aces & Eights. He fights out of it though. Anderson wants a match now. Knux is taking him on after the break.

Bully Ray & Garrett Bischoff were sent to the back. TNA loves having guys wrestle in jeans. If Anderson had in mind challenging someone, why didn’t he wear his ring gear to the trash talking session? Dummy. Mic Check out of nowhere for the win. I wouldn’t be shaking in my boots if I were Bully Ray. Anderson barely pulled it off against one of his lackeys. Granted, with that kind of stipulation I expect Anderson to win. Joseph Park has been contemplating Bad Influence all week. Park challenges Christopher Daniels, mano e mano which means interference will happen. Christopher Daniels was trying to give Park a drink last week. Daniels tells Kazarian to stay in the back. They run into Bobby Roode who is showing off his new terrible t shirt. Not their best segment. I do enjoy their act more times than not.

Video Package Count: 2. More about Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle. Joseph Park is taking on Chris Daniels. The later gets the upper hand early. Daniels can’t seem to put away Park. Joseph slam and side slams Daniels. Earl Hebner backs Park out of the corner. He tosses Hebner aside. Daniels kicks him in the groin while Hebner is turned. Daniels wins with the low blow. Park’s character may be better but his wrestling still sucks.WWE2K14 ad.

Garrett Bischoff tries to talk down Knux. Bully Ray isn’t mad either. We can’t tell Brooke about Lexus. Don’t worry, almost no one in wrestling watches their own product. EC3 is out again to face some schmuck unless they’re finally going to break the streak. Nope, just two schmucks this time. They keep working over Carter’s arm. A leaping clothesline turns things CP3’s way. The schmucks know how to wrestle but are stick thin. I get feeding him jobbers but he’s giving up too much offense. The 1 Percenter for the win. The world needs him.

Video Package Count: 3. This time, it’s a “commercial” for AJ Styles. Interesting take but not the best package. Dixie Carter shrieks. Jeff Hardy loves the unconventional promos. He’s so much more comfortable in this environment and you can tell. Hardy wants to be champ again. I’m not sure if Austin Aries really got a video package. It was more like a video envelope.

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