Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Deathstalker (1983)

There is nothing awesome about this.

There is nothing awesome about this. Other than the poster.

I had always heard of a movie by the name of “Deathstalker.” There were whispers of this being possibly the worst movie ever made. I remember as a kid seeing the box cover in the video stores but it was Rated-R so it was off limits. Actually, most of the “Conan the Barbarian” style fantasy movies had the best Frank Frazetta style box artwork. SO even if the movie sucked you would never know it by the packaging. Enough about that though, “Deathstalker” is an incredibly bad movie actually bordering on an incredibly tragic level of film-making and I enjoyed every second of it. I am the same person who watched the entire running time, including credits, of Barbarian Queen, so it should come as no surprise. “Deathstalker” has everything you would expect; terrible swordplay, gratuitous (wonderful) breasts, rancid acting, incoherent plot and the list goes on and on. The movie has no sense of continuity in long form storytelling let alone form scene to scene. As with the other movies of its time and genre this was nothing but a cash grab trying to rip dollars from audiences thinking they were getting another “Conan.” Instead you get a poorly conceived flick that may be too much for some people to stomach. I implore you to battle through just to build your will. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Barbarian Queen (1985)

Barbarian Queen (1985).1

On the Mount Rushmore of old sword and sorcery movies you have anything named Conan, Red Sonya and Marc Singer’s gorgeous blonde bob from Beastmaster. Of course you need four faces; so may I present to you Barbarian Queen. How this isn’t held in the same regard as those other films may have something to do with the fact it is rather terrible. Holy shit this came out in 1985? Incredible, just incredible. While watching this I was convinced this was a late 60’s erly 70’s schlock movie. It make sense now why this was made.You know exactly what you are getting four minute in to this flick as you get, redneck barbarian, titties and a rape of the soon to be queens sister. See, this may be named Queen of the Barbarians but the chick, the late Lana Clarkson,  never marries the king. She isn’t a damn queen. Her village is pillaged and her ceremonial htu is burned to the ground, well, sort of. She really isn’t much of a barbarian as well. But then when compared to the King Aragan she is a rather incredible warrior. This is definitely one of those really bad movies that is absolutely enjoyable to watch. How this isn’t a cult film is beyond me. The production is awful, the sound dub and mix is terrible, the sets are plastic and the story is barely rudimentary. It seems this was more of an excuse to see just how many bare breasts they could expose through the movie. In that regard this movie is a rousing success. -Jeremy

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