In honor of @WWEDanielBryan and @WWEAJLee, WWF’s finest wedding moments…

This coming Monday’s “Raw 1,000” will feature the marriage of Daniel Bryan and AJ, and in their honor, we present to you the finest wedding moments in WWE history. Of course, a “fine wrestling wedding” is like being the prettiest waitress at Denny’s, but that hasn’t stopped WWE from booking cringe-inducing wedding angles for years. In fact, let’s skip the first actual ceremony (it’s split into two 11-minute parts on YouTube, and I will not do that to you fine people) and get right into the WWF’s first wedding reception, for Paul “Butcher” Vachon and Ophelia. Welcome to the slowest god damn food fight in history:

WWF learned so much from the atrocity of this segment that they… held the next one, between Uncle Elmer and Joyce on a high-cost episode of NBC’s “Saturday Night’s Main Event.” Good lord, Vince McMahon could have poached a bald eagle on TV back then and it would have drawn a 10-point-0.

Possibly the greatest marriage angle of all time featured Macho Man Randy Savage and his long-time love, Miss Elizabeth. Audiences fell in love with the demure Elizabeth at first sight, but for years, Savage abused her verbally and occasionally took advantage of her presence physically. After a two-year on-screen split, Elizabeth returned to Savage’s side in a moment of need, and there wasn’t a dry seat in the house.

What’s the matter, toots, your shoes too tight?

Mid-1991 brought a change of heart for the “Macho Man,” as he got down on one knee and proposed to the woman we all explored our bodies to:

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The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 12 – John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

(Whew, this is it, the final day of the 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas, nearly two weeks of looking back at the dummies and their news stories of 2011. Let’s end it with a whimper: the perennially boring John Morrison decided to take time off after seeing the writing on the wall that no one cares about him; Chyna dove even deeper into the world of pornography, and Lita ill-advisedly appeared somewhere without make-up. *shudder*)

(Originally posted Dec. 12, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

“BRAAAAY”-kin’ the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab
Day 10: Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

Raw is going to be entirely too long. Why am I starting pretty much on time?

I couldn’t be less excited about three hours of sports entertainment. I’ve got nothing else to start this review so let’s roll.

Booker T & Hornswoggle get to lead off the Slammy Awards. I Didn’t Just See That even though it was on TV. What a brutal set of choices. I want to unsee all of those events. JR wins for his dance moves. Oh shit, a rap off. Please kill me. Congrats on getting people to turn off your product.

Ted DiBiase & Mick Foley present the next award for Holy Shit of the Year. Except they can’t say it. They think they’re funny with their jokes. I’m not sure that was Orton’s best RKO of the year. I would have went with Bourne’s Shooting Star Press into the RKO. Bourne gets a nod anyway. Big Show & Mark Henry win for a gimmick that’s been done before. Show comes out to accept. He keeps it short and we finally get a match. Why is Wade Barrett his opponent? Barerage will take out Show next if he wins the title from Henry.

Why not come up with a new name for the award? You’re PG, why even infer it? Barrett gets DQed for using a chair. Glad we got a whole minute of match time on TV. (That’s sarcasm.) And another commercial. Woof.

“Road Dogg” Jesse James gets to present a Slammy. #Useless fact, I dressed up like him for Halloween when I was at Kent. My roommate dressed up like Billy Gunn. I have no idea what is up for nomination. Rock mentioned Twitter in the montage, drink. CM Punk wins the Pipe Bomb Award since he started using the term in the WWE. He gives us a montage of Johnny Wooden GM. This whole first hour has been filler. Actually, that was kind of funny. I especially enjoyed the 80’s style music.

Lita gets a TV spot after her little weekend gaffe. I just keep wondering why her license was suspended. Is she such a bum she couldn’t pay for insurance? She is awarding a Diva-licious moment. Our winner is Kelly Kelly. She needed more press. (That’s sarcasm.) When does this get interrupted? Right away. Lita is supposed to be giving her a rub by raising her arm. It might be the second best thing they’ve done tonight by keeping that segment that short. Santino & The Bella Twins present the OMG Award. All of these awards feel the same. The only good part of HHH vs Undertaker is up for the award. Of course it wins. The only moment that deserved that award was CM Punk winning. HHH needed promo time since I keep forgetting this match is on TLC. Nice of Trips to have a new shirt. We get more replay. Why did I start doing this column? All because my dumb ass went to Wrestlemania in Atlanta. HHH is right so he’s going to do everything at TLC. Thanks for nothing.

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Headlines: John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

"BRAAAAY"-kin' the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Edge: Absolutely Underappreciated

Edge retiring was one of those “what the hell?” style moments but the signs were all over the place.  In hindsight, of course, his win at WrestleMania should have been a head turner. All signs pointed to Alberto Del Rio winning his first championship and set the mood for the rest of the event. Instead Edge was given one last moment to shine if you will.

Edge had also had a post match speech in Toronto a few months back  telling the crowd he wasn’t sure when or if he would be back again. Yeah he made a small splash on the net but again in hindsight it should have been a bigger deal. Edge is only thirty-seven years old and should have at least four more years in him if you base it off the typical main-event talent in WWE.

The problem with Edge is that he was woefully taken advantage of and thus we all figured he would be available seemingly forever. Kevin said we grew up with Edge and he is right. Edge started during the “Attitude Era” and has been around ever since. WCW soon folded and TNA was never an option so here the fans had a dependable, strong character on television almost all of the time. On top of that he put in good work and his mic abilities grew through out.

Remember the mute Edge? The Brood Edge? The babyface Edge? Remember all the doubters after Edge gave a solid but unspectacular promo at the Raw Tenth Anniversary show? WWE soured on him a bit because of it and that was all from presenting a fake award for a fake awards ceremony. It was at a bar for god sake. You know what else are given out at bars; puke kisses, small tips, herpes, gonorrhea. This has nothing to do with Edge but consider it a public service tip kids.

The best thing that ever happened to Edge was, at the time, the worst possible thing, banging out Lita behind Matt Hardy’s back. Regardless of the waste Matt Hardy has turned in to now that was a rather low thing to do to a self described friend.  He started hitting it with Lita and that made the fans mad at her and in turn it rubbed off on him. This forced him to get stronger on the mic. They had a juicy issue they could get behind even though it was based off of real conflict and real emotions.

Wait, isn’t that what wrestling sort of always does? Only if the talent involved is the right fit. Hell in entertainment for a story to hit on that emotional level you have to have the right people. Imagine Darth Vader played by Meatloaf wearing a biker helmet telling Luke Skywalker played by Gilbert Gottfried he was his father. It fails miserably.  (Why hasn’t then been filmed actually?)

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Stunt Granny Audio #136

Oh yeah, after a week off from audio Jeremy and Kevin are back. They boys cover a bunch of different stories this time around. They start with the Scott Hall debacle. Who is to blame? Should there even be any surprise? They then talk about Matt Cross being dismissed from Tough Enough already. Was it justified or was it done just for the sake of TV? They also discuss the passing of show favorite Larry Sweeney. They round out the show discussing Edge. Yeah not a lot of detail there but you can listen to see what it is all about. It is only 80 minutes of your life.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #136

Kane Versus Edge and It Isn’t 2005.

Hey it’s 2005 all over again. Spoiler alert if you didn’t read the headline. On this coming Friday’s edition of Smackdown, Edge becomes the number one contender for the Heavyweight title. This wouldn’t be news, but since it is Kane, it certainly becomes news. See, you know how we and other people bitch about no new stars and the same tired feuds in WWE? Well, this is a prime example of that. This match up between Kane and Edge is yet another rehash of a feud from 2005. Will WWE acknowledge this? Probably not in any great detail but it is worth noting here.

Is this the start of a Kane nostalgia tour? He has gone through the Undertaker phase. He is now in his Edge phase. He has the Big Show on the horizon. Then there is the inevitable Undertaker return. Maybe they can pry RVD away from TNA. OK, that was a total joke, because all it would take is a piss supplier and copious amounts of Blue Dragon to get RVD back. Then there is always Matt Hardy, but they released him for being fat and unmarketable now, so that boat may have sailed. Unless they bring him back for a final squash, but Matt wouldn’t know what a squash is to begin with. I mean look at the guy. The only squash he knows is when he presses a marshmallow between two chocolate covered Twinkies. Yes, Matt Hardy fat jokes live on.

You do realize that disguised in the same fat jokes and clumsy logic, WWE has no new feuds? The Kane Nostalgia Tour is evidence of this. Over on Raw they are already underway with Randy Orton and John Cena probably headlining WrestleMania. So as it stands now, WrestleMania will probably be a rehash of Cena/Orton and Undertaker/Kane. Sigh. -Jeremy

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