Hulk Hogan claims he was offered a spot in Metallica, I herniate myself laughing at the thought

In an interview with NME.com, world champion pro wrestler and maybe-above-average bassist Hulk Hogan claims he was very nearly a member of the band Metallica. Read on, because this is rich:

The wrestler, who stars in his own reality TV series Hogan Knows Best, said that he used to be close mates with the metal titans’ drummer Lars Ulrich during his days as a session musician.

He told The Sun: “I used to be a session musician before I was a wrestler. I played bass guitar. I was big pals with Lars Ulrich and he asked me if I wanted to play bass with Metallica in their early days but it didn’t work out.”

I don’t even know what to think of this asshole anymore. And yes, that could apply to both Hogan and Ulrich. First of all, yes, Hulk Hogan is a bass player, so I’ll immediately concede that point. Second, this story has made its rounds for about a year now, but the legend of 14 Ultimate Warriors has been around since I was 10 years old. Now’s where I start poking holes in the story. One, Metallica was based out of Los Angeles, Calif., and formed in 1981. By this time, Hogan was already a fixture in the AWA, and even though he also wrestled for New Japan and could conceivably have had a home in L.A. for easy travel, I still call bullshit. Second, by the time we know for sure Hogan made it out to Hollywood – late 1981 or early 1982 – Metallica was basically established and not looking for a $14,000-per-movie touring pro wrestler like Hogan to play bass.

Third, and most importantly, Hulk Hogan is the type of guy who would sit in an empty room and paint a face on the side of his hand with lipstick and a permanent marker just to have someone to lie to. How heavy was Andre the Giant when Hogan pressed him over his head, brother? 850 pounds? And how many people did he do it in front of? 900 infinity million, dude? To call Hogan a “consummate bullshit artist” is an insult to consummate bullshit artists; this guy is the fucking Mad Libs of cockamamie. “Yeah, brother, I was supposed to (verb) with (proper noun), but an (adjective) (noun) wouldn’t let me/wouldn’t give me the (absurd dollar figure) he should have, dude!”

So anyway, I would take this news with a grain of salt big enough to send you into cardiac arrest. I won’t believe it until Lars Ulrich himself tells me, at which point I’ll be too busy slapping him for the awful quality of “St. Anger.” -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

I’m empty for news aside from sports. It’s not a good weekend when the highlight is my alma mater, the Kent State Golden Flashes, wins 24-21 on Friday evening on ESPN2 because of a shanked 20 some odd yard field goal. It was down hill from there. Pitt lost a close one to Cincinnati. Sunday was a train wreck. Fulham (English Premier League soccer) lost 3-1 after several near misses to tie it up late when it would have been 2-2. Fiorentina (Italian Serie A soccer. They are Florence’s team.) lost 1-0. To top off the shit sandwich, the Steelers did their best and bungled up a late lead. The defense being the main culprit since they were on the field last. Yuck. They’re still 6-3 with a fairly easy schedule. Just get into the playoffs. I suppose I did forget about the Penguins winning 3-2 in a shootout Saturday in Los Angeles but it’s too early in the season to start rejoicing about that.

I barely paid attention to Cena‘s pandering and shilling. Miz wakes me out of my slumber. Cena’s new shirt will continue to suck donkey balls. I stopped paying attention to them too. How can you take them seriously when they have nothing and continue to get slapped around? Zack Ryder helps out Cena. Hilarious that the guys are digging Zack but he’s teaming with Cena.

My boy Dolph Ziggler gets to beat John Morrison. Cole mentioned Twitter already. Let’s start a count. I may be wrong already with Cole & Lawler talking about the losing streak. Morrison messed up in the ropes but recovered fairly well. Ziggler gets another commercial break match.

Ziggler is showing some good offense. They really seem to be setting up a Morrison come back trail though since the announcers again are mentioning putting him away. Some fans chanting for Ziggler. Morrison executes the slowest ever tornado DDT. Yep, even the Vickie interference doesn’t work. This seems like a lot of commercial breaks for the beginning of the show.

Wow, they are trying to get me to tune out. Mason Ryan takes on JTG. I’m not sure if showing their Twitter handle counts for my game. The crossword puzzle joke was terrible but at least Lawler was trying. The crowd is bored stiff. The WWE should take notice that’s he’s not evening getting a pop in favorable territory.  More Wrestlemania hype. Look at all these dumb asses waiting in line. It’s called a computer. If you don’t have one, use one at a library. You do know where those are, right? Zack gets a cheese dick spot with the Bella Twins. He needs that on TV for those that don’t watch his show.

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So Stacy Keibler is apparently dating George Clooney now

My eagle eyed eye in the sky from California sent me this article the other day, and since I will do anything to increase the number of hits to our site since I have no shame whatsoever when it comes to this stuff, I’mma present it the way it was sent to me, and oh look at the hotty boom body pictures:

George Clooney dating pro wrestler Stacy Keibler? Really?

Well, that didn’t take long.

George Clooney, who broke up with his Italian actress girlfriend of two years, Elisabetta Canalis, earlier this summer, was officially on the market for less than a month before former professional wrestler Stacy Keibler swooped down and staked her claim.

“It’s more than just a fling,” a pal of the 5’11” Keibler dishes to Us Weekly, adding that the lovebirds have known each other for “four to five years.” The pair enjoyed some quality time together at Clooney’s summer place in Lake Como, Italy in early July last month–and now, this past weekend at Clooney’s spread in Los Angeles’ San Fernando Valley.

Kiebler was photographed entering the gates of Clooney’s Studio City, CA compound on Sunday afternoon. As of Monday afternoon, Keibler had not been seen leaving the property.

The attraction between Clooney and Keibler seems to have been growing for a while. The pair met at an Oscar party in 2006 and became close after he admitted that he was a fan of her hoofing on “Dancing with the Stars.”

“It’s so funny,” Keibler told People at the time. “George Clooney came up to me, and he was like, ‘You’re so great. You should win.’ And I said, ‘You watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’?”

Keibler’s dance moves seem to have help her win Clooney’s heart. “They’re basically exclusive at this point,” says Keibler’s pal.

***

I personally do not care. I’m just like a crackhead here: I need more hits. More hits for this here website! In any event, my favorite Clooney role is, was and always will be Return of the Killer Tomatoes. My favorite Stacy moment was when she pointed out her legs go from here to there. That was very helpful of her. – Dusty

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

If you didn't like this week's Monday Night Raw, this picture should hopefully put things into perspective for you.

This one will be short and sweet since I’m feeling under the weather today. Kevin wanted me to do this because he’s busy with something or another else. We’re choking down Summer Slam, so they better make this count.

Triple H comes out to start the show. How long do you get to be the new COO of the company before you’re just the COO of the company? He said there were lots of changes going on in the company, what with them going from having no champion to now having two. He said they’re going to resolve that issue at Summer Slam with a match between John Cena and CM Punk to determine who the undisputed champion will be. Punk got a big pop again at the mention. Hunter said a match of that magnitude is going to need a special guest referee of equal magnitude to keep the law and order. So, of course, it’s going to be him. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming. Ray Charles could have seen that coming. A visually impaired person who needs the assistance of eyewear in order to see things properly could have seen that coming.

In any event, Hunter then got down to the business of laying out the format of the rest of the show. We’ve got a contract signing between Punk and Cena (I’m sure that will go just swimmingly), as well as individual matches for the both of them against other dudes. Hunter said Cena’s match is first, and actually it is going to be right then and there. I love how they do that on wrestling shows, the faux surprise “let’s have a match right now!” thing. What were they going to do otherwise with that time? Just show an empty ring? Have Triple H talk longer? Before they went to break, Cena got in Hunter’s face to question the guest referee stipulation. Hunter told him no one is bigger than him, basically laying down the law there. Interesting.

Back from break, and Cena is taking on Jack Swagger. WWE forgot to fire Swagger on Black Friday a while back, and they’re going to punish him for it by making him job on television. Or something like that. I’m not reviewing the matches this week in any sort of meaningful way, if you want to know the truth of it. Besides, Swagger is not good, so it would just be a bunch of sentences saying stuff like “Swagger did something poorly” and “Swagger sold something poorly.” I just saved you some time. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment for the victory. It was your basic John Cena match that he had every week while I was doing Smackdown reviews back in the day. I guess Swagger and Carlito are interchangeable.

Later in the show is going to be Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Isn’t Rey hurt? Isn’t Miz not much better off? What’s going on here? They show clips of Bret Hart vs. Curt Hennig from Summer Slam 1991, which is one of my favorite matches of all time, ostensibly to get people excited about this year’s Summer Slam. Done and doner.

Ricardo Rodriguez interrupts Scott Stanford (the broski of the forever) to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio is going to be taking on Punk tonight, and he vows to finish what he tried to start at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. So apparently Punk is a babyface now, in that he is a babyface when he is facing heels and a heel when he is facing babyfaces. Who doesn’t think Punk is this generation’s Randy Savage, the best thing to happen to wrestling in the last 10 years? If so, harm yourself immediately.

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Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 1/29/11

1. Daniel Bryan & Gail Kim – Did the Bella’s storyline do anything for Daniel Bryan? Yes it did. It kept him on TV even with the dead weight that is the U.S. Championship. Gail Kim got to say everything everyone on the internet thinks about the Bella twins. They could make a fun wrestling tandem. Too bad their obvious opposition, Ted DiBiase & Maryse are less important than Darren Young. – Kevin

2. Jake Roberts –  “The Snake” slithered (eh? eh?) his way back into the news this week by promoting his “retirement match” against Sinn Bodhi at Pro Wrestling Guerrilla’s Kurt Russellution as part of WrestleReunion 5 in Los Angeles this Saturday, as well as by telling In Your Head Radio that he had part of his foot removed. A) “Retirement match” my once-fat ass, this coke hound will come out of hiding with the first offer of a bump and a bundle of ones for the strip club. B) Him saying part of his foot was removed is as believable as any bum who claims “someone stole my kidney and left me in a tub of ice water, now let me borrow some change, man!” – Eric

3. Kurt Angle – His hot fiancee (I don’t think they’re married yet, sinners) had Angle’s baby one month premature, causing Angle to head home to make sure mommy and baby were OK. This is the first responsible thing Angle has done since helping a black woman across the street in 2004 and not asking her to have sex with him. – Eric

4. Ric Flair – Some will find this sad, as apparently dome TNA wrestlers do but others will and should find the news of him blowing through his money, awesome. Yep, Ric Flair, he of the now shuddered Ric Flair Finance, got in a tiff with TNA management on not getting a payout while in the middle of their European tour. Then TNA wrestlers have come out saying they find it sad when he can’t pay the bill due to his financial woes. There is nothing sad about it. Flair is drinking for free while those dummies foot the bill. Congrats enablers. -Jeremy

5. Royal Rumble – Can you remember a year where this has been so poorly hyped? There is no clear cut winner to build around and boy does the field of forty look a little thin. The title matches took a back seat to free television matches. The under card itself has three championship matches but one of them is a divas match and those don’t count. Regardless this is still getting ordered and enjoyed, hopefully. – Jeremy

6. Scott Hall – Because we can’t have enough drug addicts in our list. Hall told the Miami Herald this week that he plans to go back to rehab in Houston, Texas, his (I believe) ninth stint in a facility like this. Well, of course he’s going back, that’s how you meet people with all the good drugs! It’s like a bum who breaks a law just so he can spend the night in jail and get a warm bed and a decent meal. – Eric

7. Shane Helms – I think we can all breath a sigh of relief that this idiot is heading to Lucha Libre USA instead of TNA. It spares us from seeing 2 hicks with beer guts and 2 tattooed high spot monkeys trying to pass themselves off as the newest rip off of the 4 Horseman. – Kevin

8. Shawn Osborne & Stacy Carter – Osborne, who had been under WWE developmental contract in 2006 working in OVW, committed suicide recently. The kicker to this is that Stacy Carter, who is already on my bad side because I always want to type “Dixie Carter” when I’m referring to her and *nobody* wants to talk about Dixie Carter, went ahead and posted his suicide note on her Facebook page. Pretty sure if he had wanted it made public, he would have gone ahead and done that himself, but who I am to tell a negative IQ’d cumbasket what to do? – Dusty

9. Vince Russo – So it was Vince Russo’s 50th birthday this past week. We here at Stunt Granny hope for another 50 years of terrible booking, cheating on your wife, hiding behind your fake religion and general cowardly nonsense. Here’s to ya, Vinny Ru! – Dusty

10. New Best Match Ever – It’s this:

Dusty

11. Wrestling Roundtable – Just, here:

If you want to listen to total nonsense, you should just listen to Stunt Granny audios. – Dusty

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