Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #Wrestlemania

It’s been a crazy weekend. We’ve had lots of good food. We’ve had lots of good beer. Just not enough to be hung over which is a good thing. I’m still running around trying to make my world famous meatballs and tomato sauce. I’m finally ready as Justin Roberts announces, hold on, let’s roll.

Sheamus is the first man out. Glad Jeremy & I called this match. Of course, I think we both picked different guys to win. Mitchell Cool still doing the turn around on Daniel Bryan. We get our first bell 10 minutes into the match. Fucking really? I picked Sheamus but this is ridiculous. That’s not going to be much of a coronation of Sheamus into the main event. Team Johnny skit with the Miz acting like the leader. The rest of them ignore him. Johnny Wooden GM is looking pretty sharp. Why not go with the horn rimmed glasses and look more like Colonel Sanders?

I imagine I’ll get to type more this match. It’s Kane versus Randy Orton. Why did they show that replay? It looked like Kane barely kicked him. Orton gets some offense. I’m starting to realize I need to do more play by play than normal. No real angles will develop for me to riff on. The crowd chants “DDT”. First signs of life since the way too short match. The Best Honeymoon sign is a riot. I hope it’s true. Choke slam and for some reason Kane acts like a bitch after Orton kicks out. Second rope choke slam gets Kane the victory. I’m a big surprised. Pretty sure I picked Orton.

Mick Foley, Santino and Captain Keith. I haven’t watched Deadliest Catch in three or four years. We get a Ron Simmons appearance. Somewhat funny. We get review of Cody Rhodes and the Big Show. At least Rhodes picked a new outfit for Wrestlemania. Rhodes is wearing real knee pads. The Big Show is on offense to start the match. Rhodes doing a good job of going low on Show. Rhodes drops off the top rope to snap Show’s arm. Big show gets in a weak spear to avert a second Disaster kick. WMD for the IC Title change. Whoopee.

Beth Phoenix looks ridiculous with that head dress. Awful choice. Eve looks good. I missed Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos coming in. I don’t care. KK is taking it to Eve but for some reason tags in Maria. Beth finally gets her hands on Maria but only bear hugs her. Isn’t she more pissed at her than to doa bear hug? I know she’s working over the broken ribs but it looks weak. Maria kicks Eve out of the ring after she gloats. Beth backs off of KK’s hot tag. Stupid. That was a gutsy but stupid senton like move by KK. Kelly counters into a bulldog. At least it wasn’t a roll up for the win. Maria gets a the horse shit roll up for a win.

Cool stadium shot when they went outside of it for Taker‘s entrance. His get up looks normal. Glad I got in here for possibly the bald reveal. Is that supposed to be intimidating? A baby mohawk? Stay shaved at least. I missed HHH‘s entrance. Who cares. Ah fuck me. I lost the review of the start of the match. Anyway, Jeremy & I are enjoying this one so far. Taker had the early advantage. HHH is getting in the offense now. Shawn Michaels is getting more involved verbally with Taker. The sledge hammer shot doesn’t do in Taker. Shawn takes the sledge hammer away from HHH before he can squash his head like a grape. Taker locks Hell’s Gate on Michaels. HHH nails Taker with the sledge hammer. Taker low blows HHH. Taker locks in Hell’s Gate on HHH. Michaels is out. HHH slumps over. Charles Robinson comes down to unlock the cage. Chokeslam by Taker, HHH kick out of course. Robinson gets choke slammed. Super kick by Michaels. Pedigree. Kick out. Awesome. HHH pitches Shawn out of the ring. Taker is all over the offense. Tombstone. Shawn makes it back into the ring. Kick out. I like Michaels cowering in the corner. Second pedigree. Wow, that was close. Another kick out. The WWE gets going to shots of people not doing anything. HHH grabs the sledge hammer. Taker nabs a chair. They follow up with a good shot of Taker stepping on the sledge hammer. Shawn is starting to show concern for HHH as Taker assaults him with a chair. Worst cover ever. No one thought it’d end after a conversation. HHH makes us laugh with his pug impersonation. Crotch chop. Sledge hammer shot by Taker. Michaels has his back to proceedings. Tombstone. Three count. Awesome match. I tossed my tomato sauce onto my meatballs during post match happenings. I came back in here just in time to see the group hug on the stage.

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Maria Menounos has broken ribs. Pierced clit hopefully fine.

I totally missed this huge news today so all apologizes on the tardiness of this post. Maria Menounos, she of the pierced clit and delicious looking vagina, has two broken ribs. How this effects her WrestleMania match with her partner Kelly Kelly against Eve and Beth Phoenix has yet to be determined.  She suffered her injuries while practicing her routine for Dancing with the Stars. Really though with how skinny this woman is wouldn’t a stiff breeze or a squirt of Binaca accomplish the same thing? Also, I mention this only for the means to add a tag of Dancing with the Stars tag so we get extra hits; cause people really watch that garbage for some reason. -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Jeremy was Mushmouth. Feel free to assign me a character from Fat Albert.

So Jeremy and I went longer than expected recording our Wrestlemania previews. We still have another two to do. Have fun figuring out which preview Jeremy goes Mushmouth on. So because that went late and my Boxer Cayenne decided to take an exceptionally long time to soil the lawn in the condo complex. I’ll catch up because we’re six days away from Wrestlemania. There’s even less days until Jeremy and his woman arrive in Cbus. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

Why is Mitchell Cool excited about Booker T being in the announce booth? We start off with Randy Orton & Sheamus against Kane & Daniel Bryan with AJ. Jerry Lawler called out Cool on his switched stance on Daniel Bryan but he can’t be bothered to really fight back Cool’s claim of stating facts and being a great journalist. Commercial break. I love Orton’s drop kick. It’s been a little odd that the opponents at WM have wrestled large portions of this match against each other. Sheamus gets pinned after AJ interference. Even steven booking means Sheamus gets the win. I might have picked differently in the show that was posted earlier today. We get John Cena vs the Rock build up by video.

Mitchell is in the ring and dons a Team Johnny shirt. He’s their official commentator. Well, you are the WWE’s announcer so you’d be there anyway. Cool introduces Johnny Wooden GM. Vickie Guerrero is a flag bearer. Booker introduces Teddy Long before Johnny gets to say anything. Santino Marella is taking on David Otunga. Cool goes Mushmouth after he was trending on Twitter. Otunga pays too much attention to the flag & Hornswoggle. Cobra. Teddy & Johnny wouldn’t actually be in the match, would they? Johnny announces that the Miz is the last member of Team Teddy, more Mushmouth, Johnny.

More video package for Cena & the Rock. Hey, we were there. Dusty was with us in spirit. More video package, just for the Undertaker, HHH and Shawn Michaels. I’m starving. Unlike Jeremy, I don’t have someone that can serve me food. I haven’t taught the dogs how to deliver food yet. They only deliver it to their stomachs. Time to grab something.

Eve Torres came to the ring with Beth Phoenix because we’re supposed to care about the Divas. No surprise that Maria Menounos can’t get away from that hectic schedule on Extra to join Kelly Kelly for this match. Eve misses the top rope moonsault so that KK can mess up a roll up. That match is going to be a train wreck. Chances are good that Maria won’t wrestle as well as Snooki. Say, did you hear about this match between John Cena and the Rock?

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WrestleMania 28 Preview #2- Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs. Beth Phoenix & Eve

See we told you there would be another preview today. This time out the boys cover the Divas tag team match. Why?Well cause it is on the show. How do the guys stretch out such nothingness for fifteen minutes and make it entertaining and fast? Well, we aren’t sure either but it happened. Why does this match exist? Who the hell is Maria Menounos? Why isn’t Kharma on WrestleMania? For that matter where the hell is Tamina as well? Who has a pierced clit and delicious looking vagina? Just listen and you will know the answers.

WrestleMania 28 Preview #2- Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix & Eve

Other WrestleMania 28 Preview Audios

WWE 2012 Hall of Fame Show
Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan

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