Ring of Honor has reached its… Boiling Point! Ugh.

Looks like a fucking narcolepsy convention.

Just received another e-mail from Ring of Honor, this one promoting this Saturday’s iPPV event, Boiling Point! And what was my eye drawn to as soon as I opened the e-mail? A picture of T-shirted Kevin Steen, belt cliche-illy around neck, looking like someone pulled him away his 8-pack of hot dogs on the stove reaching their BOILING POINT to take this fucking picture. And it looks like he’s taking on a bum I walked over to get to work today. Oh, that’s Chikara Grand Champion, Eddie Kingston, complete with wife beater, stubble, multi-finger point and dreamy bedroom eyes. It looks like we caught him right in the middle of a burp, too. The XPW Champion never looked better.

Also on the card is a guy named “Die Hard” who looks more like a 14-year-old high diver from the UK Olympics team, taking on a guy who, despite reaching his BOILING POINT, has the world’s biggest, toothiest grin on his face. I guess I would too if I were paired up with Maria, the only person on that poster who looks like a star. Smilin’ Joe & Maria take on Faux Hawk & this smug broad Sara Del Ray in a match that has inspired me to sit really hard on my wallet next weekend.

Oh well, I guess they could have put the “Zombie Princess” Jimmy Jacobs on the card. Man, of all the things people claim are killing the business these days… -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #184

Caution: Clown car ahead.

This week Kevin and Dusty are at the helm of Stunt Granny Audio, and you are in good hands for sure, as they navigate you around the biggest stories in the week of professional wrestling. Those stories include the latest in the NHL playoffs and Josh Hamilton’s ownage of the Baltimore Orioles. They also find time to talk about some actual wrestling, including what they deemed worthy of discussion on Monday Night Raw. Just how earth shattering was the return of Paul Heyman? Just how vital to the entire show *was* that women’s tag team match? Why does Dusty hate the overrun so much? They then turn their attention to ROH. Dusty blows Kevin’s mind by revealing RD Evans’ secret identity. The duo sound impressed with Mike Bennett, and less so with Prince Nana. And then focus shifts to TNA. Or is it Impact Wrestling? Whatever it’s called, they seem to have a Master’s Degree in Giving People Stuff They No Longer Want To See. Do they find anything positive about the company to talk about? You’ll have to tune in to find out, and it’s not even going to take an hour off your life, so have a heart, people!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #184

Headlines: Matt Hardy can’t admit to sucking, Young Bucks can’t either, Del Rio (rightfully) gets no love

matt hardy

Who woulda thought, huh?

According to Prowrestling.net (and I saw this earlier on his Twitter account, so also according to me), Matt Hardy lashed out at a fan who must have been speaking the God’s honest gospel truth about how much Matt Hardy sucks as a pro wrestler and a human being (and an actor, and an entertainer, and a ghost hunter, and did I mention human being?).

Please bet against me and insult and have fun at my expense. You you’ve never done anything and never will. While I sit home with enough money to last two lifetimes.

A) Jason Powell corrected Hardy’s spelling because he originally wrote to “best” against him. The best thing that’s ever been against Hardy is the wall that props his drunk ass up at the Waffle Stop while he devours the left side of the menu. (And he can afford it, too, because he has enough money for the two lifetimes he’s very quickly burning through.) B) It’s a good thing we’re a dirt sheet, because that means he can’t lash out at us. Remember, he basically said that already.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks recently [edit for who-gives-a-fuck] listen guys, you suck, your schtick sucks, and you’re only getting press because there are 10,000 sites like ours hungry for interviews with disgruntled former independent contractors. If you can make enough money on the indy circuit, do it while you can, because eventually everyone is going to see through this spot-monkey bullshit and bandana-wearing garbage and toss you out like yesterday’s garbage. Not that it’s any of my business, but just how much money do you think Marty Jannetty and Ricky Morton are pulling in for that same act, just 25 years later? Then again, they’ve both made enough money to last two lifetimes.

Speaking of indy guys, according to Prowrestling.net, Wrestling Revolution has named its first two roster members, Colt Cabana and Dr. Luther (some old Canadian). Wrestling Revolution began as a Kickstarter project created by Jeff Katz, former WCW Internet nerd turned Hollywood executive producer. Rather than force you to sit through a three-minute video of a fat bearded guy green-screened in front of a wrestling ring he’ll never step foot inside, let me give you the rundown: Katz wants to steal my No. 1 draft pick of Colt Cabana and create a wrestling “league” based on a shortened storyline schedule similar to that of cable TV seasons. Interesting concept, and I hope it takes off. Or I hope it fails at the same time I win the lottery so I can hire Colt myself.

Finally, according to an eyewitness report from WWE Monday Night Raw (posted at Prowrestling.net), WWE Champion Alberto del Rio has no crowd heat whatsoever. Two guesses as to why that could be: He’s not very good, and the writers have completely fucked up a very simple aristocratic character by making him smile like a retard at the zoo and say his own name every week. Come on, let him get down to kicking ass and shoving pesos down his opponents’ throats. Heat = instant. -Eric

Maria’s Album Cover

Remember how Maria is going to dedicate herself to music from now on? Well, she’s got an album out now (which isn’t that big of an accomplishment, really, since Scott Savol put out an album too, y’all), and here’s the album cover. (Because I know that putting up anything diva related gets us valuable hits, so yeah.) Thanks to our eye in the sky Robert Miqueli for this. – Dusty

WWE Is Cleaning House

Yeah this pic is hot.

Holy shit its cleaning day for WWE.  As of this posting WWE has released three wrestlers and only one really comes as a surprise.

Shane “The Hurricane” Helms was the first to go and really who cares? Apparently his ability to sell merchandise went dry and WWE realized they no longer need him. Helms was at one point one of WWE’s hottest selling acts with multiple t-shirts and gimmicks for dumb kids to buy. Then he got hurt, violated the wellness policy, and got hurt, got hurt, then got in trouble with the law. So good riddance. He brought nothing to the table now and a TNA career is lkely ahead of him.

WWE also release Paul Burchill. This is yet another lack of surprise based on him losing a mask versus leaving ECW match to The Hurricane. This has been screamed on our audios; “unless you plan on retiring, don’t allow yourself to be written in to situations like that. As soon as that stipulation comes up act sick. Don’t; give them the excuse of “ creative has nothing for you.” Burchill never really got his feet in the WWE door. He was featured sparingly but for whatever reason they never go behind him.

The big surprise, due to her high profile gig coming up on The Apprentice, is Maria. You know the red haired girl dancing with Matt Hardy now? Remember how special she used to be. Then she got naked and everyone for got about her. Some could chalk this up to the Playboy curse but in this matter, yeah, it works. As soon as she was in it she has been nowhere near the level she once was. So WWE, having nothing for her, cut her as well.

Stay tuned, there has to be more right? -Jeremy

Maria Sings The Hits

Much props to my eye in the sky from the Torch Forum, Robert Miquelio, for this “story.” (It involves a hot chick and that is going to get us a bunch more hits, so I don’t really care what it’s about.) So anyway, here’s 30 seconds of Maria singing or something. Enjoy.

http://maria-kanellis.org/audio/fantasy30sec.mp3

Goldberg, Maria Both On Celebrity Apprentice 3 Cast

What, you were expecting maybe... Bill Goldberg?!

What, you were expecting maybe... Bill Goldberg?!

According to Jason Powell at prowrestling.net, Bill Goldberg and Maria Kanellis will both be a part of the Celebrity Apprentice 3 cast. Powell goes on to speculate that this is the reason why Maria’s on-air relationship with Dolph Ziggler was dropped.

Now, the cast members for the show are supposed to be a secret, so you gotta promise not to tell anyone, okay? Okay? Get your hands where I can see them, young man! In any event, Maria is hotter than a two dollar pistol sitting on the surface of the sun, so any chance she can get camera time garners two thumbs way way up from me, if you smell what I’m putting down. – Dusty

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