@TotalDivas – She Said (He Edited) Episode 9

be_stronger_than_your_excusesThey’re stronger, they’re more outrageous and if it’s possible, more glamorous. This time, it’s no hold barred! Life is about to seriously change. Only on E! This was the commercial that was constantly being played on Spotify last week so everyone would be so intrigued they would tune in and watch the next season of Total Diva’s. After crying hysterically and then being bored out of my gourd, I thought leave it to the WWE to make the first half of the show interesting to pull viewers in, put them to sleep in the middle and try to wake them up in the end with a not so good cliff hanger. Since I wasted 45 minutes watching this, I’ll waste at least 5 minutes of your time reading this. Ha ha.

We begin the season with a recap, which is always good for me as I completely forgot what has happened in the last 2 months that they have been off. I have to say, the show started off with pretty good one liners as Eva Marie brought up her 4 page spread in Maxim as the girls meet for brunch on a Sunday afternoon. Between Nattie calling Eva a Hoochie, Jojo saying she wants to throw up her breakfast in her mouth due to having to look at these pictures again and Brie gives a non-humble Eva a kicker when she tells Eva that the Bella Twins were in Maxim Espanol which get’s distributed to more countries. Ha ha. (Kevin’s Edit: You could tell the Bellas were pissed about not being on thee Maxim cover even if they covered things up with Latin America.)

We get more hilarious outtakes with Trinity in her sparkling shoes and how they hurt her feet terribly and walks out of the hotel like an old bow legged grandma, quite hilarious as she stuck out that booty of hers. (KE: She rewound it to watch a second time. I didn’t argue.)

Ariane goes crazy after the car in front of her continues to go really slow and in turn stops right in the road. Ariane gets out of the car and starts yelling at the person in the car. To me it all seemed a bit staged, but whatever, it just flared her temper which is what her story line was in this episode. Ariane once again goes berserk on Vincent, her boyfriend, at a WWE party. I don’t know how many times she needs to say ‘babe’ but I have to say, someone needs to take that out of her vocabulary! (KE: That’ll happen right when the Steelers take “Obviously” out of Mike Tomlin’s vocabulary.) Trinity ends up talking to Ariane and tells her she needs help with her anger. She goes to talk to talk to her mom where they have a heart to heart. Her mom tells her she shouldn’t do that and that Vincent deserves better. At this point, they’re both perfect for each other as they’re both annoying as ever and who would want to deal with that.

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Total Divas – She Said (He Edited) Episode 7

Not from the Maxim Photo Shoot

Not from the Maxim Photo Shoot

This weeks episode is the 2nd to last mid-season finale. You would think that the WWE would want to try and keep viewers interested enough to make them want to come back, but once again, this episode lacks in the entertainment department and all you get is a teenage temper tantrum, a not so sexy Maxim shoot, and a lot of screaming from Ariane.

We begin this weeks show, with a very staged Eva Marie driving in her car getting a call from her agent that she has been selected to be in Maxim. There are so many things wrong with this first scene, but the only real thing that pops into my head is, she is so not attractive with that coarse fake neon red hair and fake tan, why in the world would they choose her to be in the magazine? (Kevin’ Edit: Because her body is good enough to make up for overly red hair and a so so face. Plus, their main male demographic buys Maxim. Got off that train a long time ago.)

Eva Marie tells Jojo who is excited for her, but became jealous right away because she feels Eva Marie gets all the attention and she gets nothing. So, she decides that she wants to sing. Eva Marie tells her, probably not a good idea, but Jojo doesn’t listen. (KE: Why would Jojo listen? That talentless gene pool winner tried to pawn herself off as a dancer and failed.)

Ariane, Nikki, Brie, Nattie, Jojo and Eva Marie meet for lunch, where the ladies tell Jojo and Eva Marie, it’s always best to always look like you’re out on the town as Eva Marie and Jojo are extremely casual for lunch. Eva Marie tells everyone about her shoot and Nikki does fear about Eva Marie taking over, but at the same time doesn’t feel threatened. My favorite part is when Ariane starts talking about Vincent, her boyfriend, and how he wants her to meet his family and according to Nikki and Brie when that happens it means marriage. Ariane starts to freak out and Nikki just casually asks, can you live without him? Eva Marie’s face is priceless as she expected the focus on her and instead, Ariane received all the attention at the table. Ha ha. (KE: I thought Eva had a double face going on, not believing Ariane is still with a guy she doesn’t give a care about and the announcement getting shoved to the side.)

Ariane states in the episode that Vincent is getting on her nerves and that they just aren’t on the same page right now. Vincent is once again upset that Ariane is going out for work and he hasn’t been invited. He pouts like a child and starts to whine and Ariane gets so upset she uses the nasal Baaaabe. (KE: In no way do I want to be with that woman. She’s dragging this idiot around by the nose but can’t drop him. Dumb broad.) It’s like nails on a chalk board when she does this. While taking her dog to get a manicure, Vincent again says he wants her to meet his family, she said she doesn’t have time to scratch her butt, so when would she have time to meet his family of like 60 people. But because she feels guilty, she ends up meeting his Dad, where his Dad tells her that he doesn’t want his son out there single and he wants grand kids. Ariane looks mortified as she said, Kids? Then adds, not for like 7 years or more. Ha ha. Needless to say, Dad did not look happy.

Vincent takes Ariane on a surprise trip to the jewelry store to pick out a diamond because his Dad wants him to get married. (That is so romantic) Ariane flips outs and breaks down. She tells him she needs to step back and take a break. He said he had no idea she felt that way and would give her space, but be there for her when she came back to him. Good gravy, doesn’t this guy get a hint. Go away!

Eva Marie goes for her Maxim shoot. She loved being pampered and said it has always been a dream of hers to be in Maxim since she was a little girl (I know that was my dream…NOT). (KE: Glad you could fit in an early 90’s reference honey.) I believe she said she finally felt like a Diva. The shoot went, they told her she was a natural, whatever, and then she went home to Jojo and showed her the photos. Jojo was being very juvenile and did not give Eva Marie any positive feedback. Eva Marie said she didn’t have time for childish games. (KE: Does everyone on the show forget Jojo is 19? I’m reminded every time I look at her.) Well, while Eva Marie was focused on her photo shoot, Jojo was trying to figure out what to do to make herself stand out more. She decided to team up with Trinity and sing the intro song to the Funkadactyls. Trinity’s dad has connections in the music industry and he got them some studio time where they cut a mix and then gave it to Jane at the WWE. Jane loved it and told Jojo she would try to fit it in somewhere. (KE: I didn’t think too much of Trinity inviting herself into the singing idea but she got them studio time so it’s a wash. By the way, are we going to meet everyone’s parents?)

Brie and Nikki were a little on the slow side this week. Nikki was injured during one of the WWE matches and Brie and John insisted she go have it checked out. We get a little look into Nikki’s past when she was injured playing soccer and find out she has a metal rod in her leg, the one that is injured. We find out from the WWE doctor that she has to be off her leg completely due to a stress fracture for 12 weeks. Nikki is upset and pissed that she will be gone 3 months after just returning. She fears that if she leaves, people will forget her. She is 30 and she doesn’t have much time left wrestling. Brie on the other hand is worried since they were hired as the Bella Twins, key word Twins, that she may have to take time off too. Yet, we know that isn’t true since she has been on the WWE this past week. (KE: That’s the problem with this show if you watch wrestling, you know how some of these angles turn out. I know Jojo is singing anthems at house shows, doing work with the Funkadactyls and that Nikki has turned into a manager.)

Jojo, Trinity and Ariane go out to make their debut. Trinity is sick and Ariane is messed up due to her break with Vincent. The 3 go out there and they totally blow. I mean, bad, bad. Eva Marie and Nattie are both there shell shocked on how horrible it is and they even shoot a guy in the stands covering his ears, kinda like what I did. The girls know it was bad, Jane was mortified, and Jojo’s plan didn’t work, though Kevin tells me that something happened cause Jojo does sing again at some point. So maybe she isn’t too bad on her own.

Not much from Nattie this week, just a few words of wisdom. The WWE picks you for a reason, because you’re a good wrestler and that’s what you should be focused on. Touche! (KE: I believe those words were for Jojo. Hey Nattie, maybe you concentrate too much on wrestling and that’s why you barely get TV time even though you’re from a famous wrestling family. Consider them my words of wisdom.)

Another week of Total Diva’s down and 1 more episode to go, the big wedding of Nattie and TJ or will there be? Tune in next week as the Total Diva mid season finale happens on E! – M (& Kevin)

News We Missed: Chris Sabin, Animal Planet, Randy Orton & Kelly Kelly

Since we haven’t had a news round up in a while, let’s move on for some small ditties. According to Prowrestling.net, Chris Sabin has torn his other ACL and will be out of action again. You’ve got to feel bad for this guy after being back for no more than two months to have it happen again. Granted, he wasn’t going anywhere since his partner in crime Alex Shelley bolted for some pasture that isn’t even as green as TNA. Maybe Sabin can help design TNA’s video game. Oh that’s right, they’re only good enough to have a board game.

Staying in Impact Wrestling, Eric Young will be hosting a program on Animal Planet called “Off The Hook: Extremes Catches”. His first episode will feature how he keeps catching a contract from Dixie Carter. In the second episode, EY will be explaining how he caught ODB as his wife. In the third episode, we’ll find out what Young can catch in his beard. By the time the fourth episode is ready to air, Animal Planet will realize they’ve wasted more money on EY than TNA so they’ll mercifully cancel the show.

Last but not least, both Randy Orton & Kelly Kelly are set to make returns to the WWE. Orton will be ready to go when the WWE visits Cincinnati for Monday Night Raw. I can’t wait for HHH to come out and rip on him for how skinny Orton has become during his hiatus. Kelly Kelly will be sleeping with the guys in the back starting this coming Monday. She will stick around long enough for the WWE to mention Maxim’s Hot 100 enough to make guys feel like that outdated magazine means anything. If you do like that magazine, I feel sorry for your penis when you jerk off. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of Raw

I’m empty for news aside from sports. It’s not a good weekend when the highlight is my alma mater, the Kent State Golden Flashes, wins 24-21 on Friday evening on ESPN2 because of a shanked 20 some odd yard field goal. It was down hill from there. Pitt lost a close one to Cincinnati. Sunday was a train wreck. Fulham (English Premier League soccer) lost 3-1 after several near misses to tie it up late when it would have been 2-2. Fiorentina (Italian Serie A soccer. They are Florence’s team.) lost 1-0. To top off the shit sandwich, the Steelers did their best and bungled up a late lead. The defense being the main culprit since they were on the field last. Yuck. They’re still 6-3 with a fairly easy schedule. Just get into the playoffs. I suppose I did forget about the Penguins winning 3-2 in a shootout Saturday in Los Angeles but it’s too early in the season to start rejoicing about that.

I barely paid attention to Cena‘s pandering and shilling. Miz wakes me out of my slumber. Cena’s new shirt will continue to suck donkey balls. I stopped paying attention to them too. How can you take them seriously when they have nothing and continue to get slapped around? Zack Ryder helps out Cena. Hilarious that the guys are digging Zack but he’s teaming with Cena.

My boy Dolph Ziggler gets to beat John Morrison. Cole mentioned Twitter already. Let’s start a count. I may be wrong already with Cole & Lawler talking about the losing streak. Morrison messed up in the ropes but recovered fairly well. Ziggler gets another commercial break match.

Ziggler is showing some good offense. They really seem to be setting up a Morrison come back trail though since the announcers again are mentioning putting him away. Some fans chanting for Ziggler. Morrison executes the slowest ever tornado DDT. Yep, even the Vickie interference doesn’t work. This seems like a lot of commercial breaks for the beginning of the show.

Wow, they are trying to get me to tune out. Mason Ryan takes on JTG. I’m not sure if showing their Twitter handle counts for my game. The crossword puzzle joke was terrible but at least Lawler was trying. The crowd is bored stiff. The WWE should take notice that’s he’s not evening getting a pop in favorable territory.  More Wrestlemania hype. Look at all these dumb asses waiting in line. It’s called a computer. If you don’t have one, use one at a library. You do know where those are, right? Zack gets a cheese dick spot with the Bella Twins. He needs that on TV for those that don’t watch his show.

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