Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Asiana Flight Down Name Faux PauxIf for some reason you didn’t see this botched moment in TV history, head on over to Gawker. It’s too funny. Today has been a good day. No more Idiot Intern at the office. My life will be better. In celebration, I’m drinking a Founder’s Breakfast Stout. Sounds like a good Sippy Time Beer for a review. Let’s roll.

Brad Maddox gets to kick off the show. He announces Ziggler vs Del Rio. So we get the official break up tonight then between him & AJ Lee? John Cena interrupts him. Maddox’s facials kill me. Maddox gives Cena the choice of his opponent at Summerslam. Cena tries to talk him out of it. I wasn’t sure if I had read the end of the PPV results because of the hectic work day. Randy Orton gets the briefcase. They have been trying to re-establish him. A weird twist with Fandango coming to the ring. He tells Orton that he’ll be cashing in on him, not Cena. He then gives Cena a speech lesson. Orton attacks Fandango. Brad Maddox makes it a match. We get a commercial.

Fandango is a good chicken shit heel. JBL calling Fandango a cross of MC Hammer & GSP. The crowd is getting around to chanting random stuff. Orton loves to slow it down. Fandango goes slow into another break. The announcers are really selling Fandango. He’s not going to win. They are really selling a Fandango win except for the camera angle when he gets crotched.  Hanging DDT then an RKO for the win. Dolph Ziggler is walking down a hallway when AJ Lee starts running after him. Dolph tells her it’s time to move. She hugs him. He drops her. Awesome.

We get Mark Henry in a suit again. He is interrupted by The Shield. They circle the ring. I like the slow stalk. Triple power bomb. First significant attack as a trio in a while. That’s another way to keep them fresh as much as they need to be apart.

Brad Maddox gets run down by Chris Jericho. Maddox wants him to impress Cena by taking on RVD. It is official. Alberto Del Rio comes out first. Dolph Ziggler is getting quite the reception. They mention Damien Sandow winning the other MITB match. Kind of a good point since Del Rio is a heel and I don’t feel like they’ve had too many same side attacks. Ziggler is on the outside when we get a break. I’m just enjoying a good match when AJ Lee rings the bell. Ziggler gets kicked in the back of the head for the Del Rio win. AJ slaps Ziggler around until Big E Langston takes him out. I knew that was coming but still well done.

R Truth is showing looks of fore head for some reason. Bray Wyatt lights the lamp. I may have lobbied for Kane to join their group but I’m sure as hell not going to do the same for Truth. I love their entrance music. Piper & Rowan is what I think Mitchell Cool said. Bray grabs a mic and walks into the ring. Bray gets a laugh out of me when he calls himself the “Eater of Worlds”. He faces down R Truth one on one with a chair. Piper & Rowan distract Truth long enough for another beat down. Wyatt finishes him with a Downward Spiral. I’m a little lost after those words. It’s interesting but doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ll let them explain his character more.

The WWE Performance Center opened. It does look pretty cool. The Real Americans come out for their fan vote match. Zeb Colter gets to run his mouth. The Usos get a call from the fans. People seemed impressed by their pre-MITB match with the Shield. The crowd likes chanting “We The People” but not much else for these chumps. Cheap roll up win on Cesaro. I’m not sure why you match those two teams up.

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ICP’s 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos to feature wrestling, few teeth

I don’t think any of the Stunt Granny crew proclaim to be juggalos, although Kevin might own an Insane Clown Posse album, I used to sell them at the record store (and heard about them in, like, 1995 through some strange connection with Disc Makers, who manufactured ICP’s cassette tapes), and Jeremy is from Detroit and has probably drank Faygo in his day. But I’m sure most Stunt Granny readers know the Insane Clown Posse either as a failed act in WCW, a part of the Oddities in the WWF in 1998, or simply as big wrestling fans who paint their faces and rap about weird horror-type shit while millions of east-siders snarl, stink, smoke, wear Jnco jeans and pump their fists in obnoxious unison.

Well put all of those things together, mix in a shit-ton of alcohol and a few totally safe bonfires and what do you have? The 12th annual Gathering of the Juggalos is what! This mess of hip-hop, rock and roll, pro wrestling, anhydrous ammonia and Sudafed takes place in Cave In Rock, Illinois, from August 11 (hey, that’s Hulk Hogan’s birthday!) to August 14 (hey, that’s, um, the Festival of Hungry Ghosts in China!) and actually has some humongous names in the world of super-niche entertainment. Live musical performances include Ice Cube, Busta Rhymes and MC Hammer (who probably lives in the woods where this event will take place); stand-up comedians Brian Posehn and Harland Williams will be joined by wrestlers King Kong Bundy, Colt Cabana and Mick Foley (all of whom have wrestled for ICP’s Juggalo Championshit Wrestling), and, in a dream match from the Civil War era, Roddy Piper will take on Terry Funk (their walks down the aisle will last from August 11-13).

Anyway, if you have 27 minutes of your life to spare, watch this embarrassing “infomercial” for what actually seems like a cool event, although you wouldn’t catch me within 10 miles from it, mostly because the band Dope makes me want to vomit and marijuana smoke gives me the heebee-jeebies. -Eric

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