Stunt Granny Audio #196

This week it’s a three man booth as Eric, Kevin and Dusty combine their resources to discuss the latest happenings in the world of professional wrestling. While Dusty was the only person on earth who enjoyed Booker T’s commentary, the trio all agree that it is for the best for him to move on to being the general manager on Smackdown. They also talk about just how bad ROH is lately, with their unique brand of fat guys in t-shirts wrestling for belts that mean nothing, and Jim Cornette seemingly losing the magic touch by the day. They also turn their attention to TNA, and agree that it has largely been actually good lately, with one glaring, crack addled elephant in the room preventing perfection. All this and so much more, so spare an hour of your life, because while you probably *will* regret it, they want you to and have mob connections, so you’ll be forced to eventually anyway.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #196

Headlines: Batista Tweets about Melina, Ziggler fractures jaw, Vince McMahon goes shit-house

And then he'll have this for dessert.

According to Prowrestling.net, Batista recently Tweeted that he’s not interested in returning to wrestling and that he would entertain an offer from MMA outfit Bellator. The more interesting part of his Tweet, which just sounds kinda thrown in both in and out of context, reads:

I have no idea why WWE released their hottest Diva.

Batista is surely referring to Melina, whom he used to bang on the side when his wife had cancer and when Melina was dating current holder of the deed to the doghouse, John Morrison. What does this ultimately mean? Batista is the man, Melina is a slut, and John Morrison is a skinny punk-ass bitch who needs to cut his losses and get on with life instead of being Matt Hardy with abs. I guarantee if Morrison ever saw Batista walk around a corner, Morrison would use that stupid Parkour shit to run up the wall, but then he’d have a real eagle-eye view of Batista doing whatever he wants with his own sloppy seconds.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Dolph Ziggler suffered a hairline mandibular fracture this past Monday on Raw, but it sounds like he won’t miss much time, if any. For those of you who weren’t alive to see Mick Foley wrestle as Mankind, “mandible” is another word for jaw. Ziggler’s opponent on Monday, Zack Ryder, isn’t exactly a stiff worker, but Ziggler did take a punch to the face from actor Hugh Jackman. Or as Tracy Morgan calls him, “Jack Human.” (Click ahead to 5:40)

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Vince McMahon yelled at Alberto del Rio and Comic Book Guy Writer #482 backstage after del Rio mentioned Vince McMahon by name on Monday Night Raw. McMahon seems totally bi-polar (a really important attribute for a chairman and CEO) and could have easily spun around 180 degrees and kissed a Make-A-Wish kid on the head and asked butterflies to braid a retarded girl’s hair, then gone right back to berating del Rio. In fact, I’m positive he could do that, and I’d pay money to see it. There you go, Vince, book that exact segment for the December PPV and you’ve got yourself an extra buy. -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 8/13/11

1. Triple H – Okay, so he still reminds us that he bigfoots everything, but his placement in the main event of Summerslam does add a bit more intrigue. – Jeremy

2. Gail Kim – She wants out of WWE and they refuse to let her go since they know she will head back to TNA. This brings up the question, when the hell did she sign with WWE? – Jeremy

3. WWE Firings – Is this the first time in the history of WWE’s Black Friday that the internet didn’t get all up in arms? Like, you know, straight trippin’ and all.– Jeremy

4. John Morrison – Speaking of firings, John Morrison proves himself to be the town toolbag by sprinting to his whore girlfriend Melina’s defense when she gets justifiably fired. “Her face shows every emotion,” right? Yep, from smirking bitch to smiling cunt. She makes J-Lo look like Meryl Streep, and she wrestles about as well as both of them, too. Enter Morrison, who by a stroke of Rey Mysterio’s bad luck is now the No. 2 babyface on Raw. Your time will come, too, HBKantCutIt.– Eric

5. Rey Mysterio’s Knee – Does this mean WWE edits its “Don’t Try This at Home” PSA to have Rey-Rey say, “Iee’ve had surgeree SEEEX TIEEMES in my left kneeeee”? – Eric

6. Johnny Gargano vs. Josh Prohibition vs. “M Dogg 20” Matt Cross – PWO’s Wrestlelution 4: Overdrive weekend was an overall success. This match though stood out above all else. It wasn’t perfect, but I’d have to say that it was the second best match I’ve seen this year and definitely the best live.  This match showed a ton of athleticism, hard hitting moves and a nice aerial attack. The crowd was the hottest it was all day which always helps in my eyes. Get the DVD when it comes out. – Kevin

7.  The Miz lip synchs with some gross-ass muppet named Keenan Cahill – I laughed about this post by Eric for a solid 24 hours. I couldn’t get Teddy Yuckspin out of my head either. Funny shit. Read it again. – Kevin

8. So You Think You Can Dance – My DVR prioritized SYTYCD over iMPACT Wrestling. I did tape the last hour and I wish I hadn’t. Kurt Angle is in Immortal after fighting it for months, Mr. Anderson is out of it after a cup of coffee, the X Division was told to sit down because the meeting would take a while then told to get out a minute later, Jackie & ODB are “playing nice” and acting like they may break up, the Jarretts are only the second worst Mexican American act on the program and Crimson continued his winning streak then got beat down by Angle. Trust me, I’m more embarrassed to admit I watch TNA then SYTYCD. – Kevin

9. Mickie James – There’s an article that can be read online (http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1444468367/mickie-james-is-making-a-new-record) that contains these words:

Hey y’all!  Thanks for dropping by my Kickstarter page!  I’m the luckiest girl in the world.  Throughout my career with WWE Wrestling, TNA and Impact Wrestling, and my music career, I’m amazed at how many AWESOME fans I have.

I’m getting ready to go into the studio to record a new project, and I wanted to find a way to offer you a chance to not just pre-order the CD, but to have an exclusive chance to get some other goodies that have never been available  (and won’t be available again!).

Take a look at the options over there on the right of the page and pre-order the one that you want.  Don’t wait too long, though, ‘cause once the Kickstarter campaign is over….it’s OVER baby!!

Several things about this come to mind. One, it is absolutely gross for a celebrity to ask for cash donations from “common folks” during a terrible economy. Absolutely gross. Two, watching that video, she kind of looks like a fat Francine now. Fatcine? And yes, I can call her fat because I am fat. Fuck you. Three, “Kickstarter” is a terrible album name. And four, she’s basically asking for $25 to throw in a personal thank you video. I had no idea blank VHS tapes were that much now. How come everything associated with TNA is soaked in trailer park? – Dusty

10. Terri Runnels-New Jack Update – According to Twinkleberry Hound:

Terri Runnels filed a suit on 8/8 in Florida State circuit court against former boyfriend Jerome “New Jack” Young, accusing Young of libel for remarks he’s made on the Internet about her and attempting to get a legal order prohibiting Young of selling nude photos of her.
Runnels, 44, has written that Runnels begins every morning by popping pain pills, drinking vodka and cranbery juice at 5:30 a.m. and also accused her of exposing partners to sexually transmitted diseases.
The Orlando Sentinel, at http://www.sun-sentinel.com/ has a story with reaction quotes by Young who claimed that everythig he has said or written about her is true, but said things others have said about her, such as her exposing people to sexually transmitted diseases, may be untrue.
Young said he took the nude photos of Runnels with her consent. He said he has not sold any of the photos, but may have sent them toa friend, and said that’s not a crime.
Runnels said she consented to the photos, but believed they would be kept private.
Runnels attorney said he feared Young would start selling the photos before the case culd be heard and is asking Judge Linda Schoonover for an injunction to prohibit it.

According to New Jack:

TRerrido you really think i give a shit about this stank ass,fake ass bitch Terri Runnels.that bitch is so broke now,that she is trying to sue Newjack to get money to pay on her house,which has been in foreclosure for over two years.i have moved own,i got my life together,got a fine ass woman with a masters degree and she knows how to handle me and she new that i was playing this bitch for a fool and she has now proven,thats what she is…a gotdamn fool.!!!
According to me, right now:
 
I wish to impregnate Terri Runnels.
 
11. Football – Put your face as close to the screen as possible and read this: FOOTBALL!!! – Dusty

Stunt Granny Audio: Summerslam 2011 Preview

It is that time of year again and it demands to be previewed. Yes, Summerslam is upon us again and Jeremy and Kevin cover the show for Stunt Granny.  Even though there are only four announced matches the guys manage to pack in as much commentary as possible. Seriously, what the hell are they supposed to say about another Randy Orton/Christian match? How about Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly? So, they talk about babyface beards. Do they work and should they be allowed? They bring up the current situation with the Divas division and if it is too late to salvage. They also speculate on potential other match ups for Summerslam and wonder aloud why they gave away some of these matches on free television. There is oodles more you just have to listen to hear it all.


Stunt Granny Audio Show: Summerslam 2011 Preview

WWE Release Day! Melina, Chris Masters, Vladimir Kozlov, David Hart Smith

(Fast-forward to about 1:30 to see the latest – and last – appearance of “The Masterpiece”)

Welp, it was bound to happen sooner or later, and when it didn’t happen at the customary time immediately following WrestleMania, I’m sure these Legends of WWE Superstars (exclusively on WWE.com) were increasingly more freaked out about answering their phones when a 203 area code popped up. According to Prowrestling.net, three superstars and one diva have been released, and one more diva claims to have quit (and she probably did).

So say goodbye to that sorry-ass no-talent hack Melina (and to the ultra-talented-and-thus-totally-wasted Gail Kim), to Chris Masters (does that mean he can’t challenge Zack Ryder for the Internet Championship?), to Vladimir Kozlov (who will replace him in his sitcom with Santino Marella? and hey, he got a good pop from the Des Moines crowd a few weeks back), and to David Hart Smith, the third-generation star who (edited to remove reference to dead people’s shadows).

In summary, good luck to Masters, Vlad and Kim in their future endeavors, good luck to David Hart Smith finding something to do with your life that doesn’t involve Del Taco, and good riddance to that insult-to-intelligence Z-grade J-Lo Melina. Hooray Black Friday! -Eric

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

Guess who's back... back again...

I came up with that title at three o’clock this afternoon. See, cause it’s after the show aired? Eh? Ah, forget it.

Kevin is incapacitated this week, so I’m back here doing what I used to do every week – review Monday Night Raw for no pay whatsoever. Last week’s show lit the internet on fire in a blaze of controversy, so it will be interesting to see how this show fares in its aftermath.

We start with the new Raw belt on display, shades of the WrestleMania 4 tournament. All we needed was Robin Leach to read a pretentious proclamation before the match began. I really hate the way Justin Roberts strains some words out like he’s taking a gigantic dump. I’m sure someone in management told him to do it. Cole and Lawler introduce the show and say it’s right to the action as we’re going to start things off with Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz for the Raw Title. They show the entire lockerroom watching backstage. I’m loving this; it’s being treated like a big deal, and they’re guaranteeing a champion by putting the match on first and letting it go as long as it needs to. Cole puts over the tournament and the guys’ backgrounds like he’s good ol’ JR or something. (That’s post-show-watching foreshadowing, folks.) “If Rey Mysterio walked on water, you’d say, ‘Oh look, Mysterio can’t swim!'” – Jerry Lawler to Michael Cole.

We come back from break with Lawler taking a shot at the Obama-Boehner political debate that was going on tonight. They trade nearfalls and Miz becomes frustrated, which culminates in an almost Christian-like temper tantrum after a close two count. Miz blocks a 619 and hits a sitout powerbomb for a two count. “Miz looks like a Greek statue with that flower on his dick.” – Becky, in regards to Miz’s terrible trunks. Mysterio finally hits the 619 and top rope splash to win the match and the title. This was a great TV show match.

Miz attacks during the post-match celebration and lays out Mysterio. Alberto Del Rio’s music hits and he comes out with the briefcase, indicating he’s going to claim his title match right now while Mysterio is down and out. However, he takes too long to get to the ring, and Mysterio catches him with a dive to the outside. Del Rio retreats while vowing Mysterio hasn’t seen the last of him.

They come back from break showing Mysterio receiving a standing ovation from the boys in the back, who then shower him with champagne. Cena gets up in his face, but then shakes his hand and pats him on the back. Josh Mathews interviews Mysterio, who talks about his family and how much this win means to him. They then show clips of last week’s show ending angle with Triple H and Vince McMahon and advertise that Hunter will be doing a State of the WWE Address later on in the show.

We come back from break with clips of Dolph Ziggler beating Kofi Kingston at the Capital Punishment PPV to win the United States Title. This sets up Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero in his corner) taking on Evan Bourne. I love Zigglers’ “I Am Perfection” shirt. The font is very reminiscent of what they used for the WrestleMania 2 graphics. I’m all full of old WrestleMania references in this review, as you will see. Vickie is a heat machine at ringside. Evan’s selling is top notch. He is absolutely this generation’s Ricky Morton, and I hope WWE understands what a gift they have with him. Bourne hits a frankensteiner off the top for a two count. He misses a 450 splash and Ziggler takes control, locking in a sleeper hold for the victory. “Follow that!” Ziggler challenges. Great charisma. They then show a clip of Kofi beating Del Rio last week to set up this week’s rematch.

Every USA Network show is exactly the same. Have you noticed this? I can’t wait to see Vincent D’Onofrio star in this week’s Burn Notice. Or… wait… uh…

We’re back with a wacky backstage segment featuring some schmuck carrying around a pack of Keystone Light like he’s Buck Zumhofe with the stereo. Oh, it’s Keith Stone. Whatever. In any event, Eve complains to him that the Bella Twins always take advantage of the fact that they are identical to do sneaky switches behind the ref’s back and basically cheat for a living. Stone solves this problem by using magic markers to draw an arm sleeve tattoo on Nikki in a quick cutaway scene. There was no follow up to this whatsoever, so I have no idea what the point of it was, other than to try to get Dusty Giebink to commit suicide.

Maryse and Melina are already in the ring, so you just know this match is going to end up going well for them. They’re taking on Kelly Kelly and Eve tonight. Maryse carries herself like she’s hotness. Lawler again takes a shot at the political speech. They should be careful that these knocks aren’t advertising the thing, you know? Eve is basically dressed like a Los Angeles Lakers cheerleader tonight. She also has huge knockers, so there’s that. Maryse actually hits a stinkface at some point in the match. Melina tags in and stinks up one side and down the other. Man, is she terrible. The match devolves into a four way brawl. Kelly hits the fameasser for the win. Everything not involving Melina was decent for women’s fare. They show R-Truth talking *at* (not to) Triple H backstage to hype up the State of the WWE Address.

During the break, Becky points out the genius of Hunter marrying Stephanie. Apparently she doesn’t believe in True Love.

Hunter comes out for his State of the Union address as Cole points out last week it was announced he’s taking over for Vince as the head of day to day operations of the company. Beck points out it’s like when Michael took over for Don Corleone in the Godfather. Hunter is even dressed like a mob boss here. Hunter gives dap to Vince to start things off. He says he’s here to talk about the future of the company, and congratulates Mysterio on his title win. He says Rey has agreed to defend the belt in a second title match here tonight against John Cena, since Cena was cheated out of the rematch he deserved by Vince.

Hunter then switches gears and says he’s re-hired someone the fans have been clamoring for for some time now. Everybody thinks it’s CM Punk, but it ends up being Jim Ross, I’m sure much to Eric Nelson’s glee. Lawler embraces Ross as Cole looks like Hunter just ran over his new kitty 37 times with a Hummer. Cole throws down his headset and grabs a microphone. He says Hunter said this was supposed to be about the future, but Jim Ross is the walking dead. He says he’s been a company man since WrestleMania, doing everything they asked him to do, but he will not commentate along with Ross. Hunter looks nonplussed in the ring during this rant. Cole gets in Ross’ face, saying he’s spent his entire WWE career kissing Vince McMahon’s ass, so it makes sense that now that Hunter is in charge, Ross would kiss his ass. “The only thing bigger than your ego is your gut!” Hunter politely asks if Cole is finished, and then says his first inclination was to outright fire Cole and replace him with Ross. He said that was a logistical impossibility, however, due to the terms in Cole’s contract. Therefore, he is giving Cole the rest of the show off, and he has until Friday Night Smackdown to make up his mind on what his future holds. If he no shows the Smackdown taping, it will be considered a breach of contract and Cole will be future endeavored. If he shows up, everything will be as normal, just with Ross calling Raw from now on. Cole changes his tune immediately, saying he wants to keep his job and sits back down at the announce booth. Hunter says Cole must have misunderstood him, because he said he’s given Cole the night off from announcing. However, he better get to the back and get changed, because he’s got a match coming up next. He says if Cole refuses to do the match, it will again be considered a breach of contract and he will be fired. He said he left Cole some wrestling gear in the back, so he has no excuses.

As Cole is storming out of the scene angrily, R-Truth appears to confront Hunter. He says it’s out with the old and in with the new and he digs that. He starts talking to himself. This is a great gimmick. He tells Hunter that Little Jimmy cost him his match at Capital Punishment, and spiders and heights cost him his match at the Money in the Bank PPV. He asks Hunter what he’s going to do to end the vast conspiracy that exists against him. Hunter starts talking to himself as a way of mocking Truth. This is the type of stuff Hunter is still funny at. “Man, you crazy!” “I know, it’s like I’m insane!” “You might be a game, but I ain’t playing!” As Truth is walking off, Hunter stops him and announces that he has re-signed another guy, and this guy wants a piece of Truth. Cue John Morrison. Morrison and Truth brawl all over ringside and Morrison hits the Starship Pain to end the segment. Good stuff, because it wasn’t just 20 minutes of Hunter talking about himself. They accomplished a bunch of stuff in this segment and none of it was “get over Hunter,” really.

Back from break with Cole coming out dressed like Triple H and spitting the water for cheap comedy. I guess they can’t get that completely out of their systems yet. “I forgot about those ugly tattoos,” Jim Ross truths. Zack Ryder is announced as his opponent. Fans are actually chanting Ryder’s name. The match is over so quick I still had my head down writing the above couple sentences. I hope this is the start of some type of TV push for Ryder.

They show clips from last week’s Kofi vs. ADR match to set up this week’s rematch. Ricardo Rodriguez is out there to introduce Del Rio. All is right with the world. Kofi hits a sloppy non-fruit rollup (oh yeah). Del Rio retreats as they cut to a quick break.

Back from break and Del Rio has taken control of the match. Kofi hits a high crossbody for a two count. He then hits the boom drop or whatever the piss they’re calling it. He takes too long to hit a kick of some description and Del Rio hits the old Cactus Jack double arm DDT. Kofi counters a roll through with one of his own (shades of Bret vs. Owen from WrestleMania 10 – see, I told you!), but Del Rio grabs the ropes. Del Rio finally locks on the cross armbreaker for the submission victory. Not a bad match.

Back from break, they advertise Rey vs. Cena for the belt, but first Josh Mathews interviews the Miz backstage. Miz says he can’t believe Cena has a title match after almost being fired last week. He said Vince had the right idea, but Hunter came in and ruined things. He says Cena caused this whole mess to begin with by losing the title to He Who Shall Not Be Mentioned. He says it’s a shame that the face of the company now is a man who does not even show his face, but rather hides it behind a mask. He gets in a cheap plug for his appearance on the George Lopez Show, coming up Wednesday. So did I, just there. He says Hunter’s reign thus far has been a huge mistake.

All my neighbors mowed their lawns today. I mean, I’m unemployed, so days of the week mean absolutely nothing to me, but I still mow my lawn on the weekend, just because it seems like a very weekendy thing to do. You know, you just have more time on the weekend to do things like that. I wonder why everyone in this neighborhood chose Monday afternoon as designated lawn mowing time. Seems bizarre to me.

We come back from break and learn that ugly chicks dig Cena. He really is the new Shawn Michaels. Cena and Mysterio fist bump before the match as Ross points out they are not allowed to refer to CM Punk by name on the air. (He did it without saying his name, of course. Although, it would have been funny if he was like, “I’m not allowed to say CM Punk. Oh shit!”) Back and forth action to start. Lawler points out that Cena might have the advantage here since Mysterio has had to wrestle once already tonight. Nice touch. Mysterio gets a DDT in for a two count. Cena locks in an STF but Rey gets to the ropes. Cena counters a 619 with a powerslam for two. Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle and goes for the F-U but Rey counters it.

Bunch of counters time! Rey locks in the STF. Cena powers out of it with one leg, which looks awesome. Rey hits the 619 but takes too long to attempt the top rope splash and Cena gets his knees up. Rey tries for the frankensteiner but Cena counters it with a powerbomb. Cena gets a near fall with a top rope fameasser that I think fooled the crowd. Rey counters the F-U, Cena counters the 619, and hits the F-U to win the title. Rey looked good in losing there. Cena and Rey embrace and then Cena celebrates with the title. Wait a minute, though. What’s that music?

Cue CM Punk coming to the ring! Punk gets into the ring for a face-off with Cena. The crowd gave Punk a huge reaction when he came out. Sort of like, “YAY! I’m so glad he’s back… wait a minute, I’m supposed to hate him! BOO!” Cena holds up his belt to a big reaction. Punk holds up his belt to an even bigger reaction. This is where the show ends. We’re left to ponder whether Punk is the third guy Hunter re-signed since taking control of the company, or if he just showed up on his own accord. And if he is back in the fold, will this set up a title-for-title match with Cena? If so, when? SummerSlam? This is exactly what a good wrestling television show should do. Another strong thumbs up from me here.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

I was watching the Home Run Derby. This is a Kentucky Derby hat. Much more attractive picture even if Prince Fielder's beard is awesomeness.

Yeah, aw recorded for me while I was scarfing down dry rubbed wings at the Winking Lizard. I also had Thirsty Dog Whippet Wheat and Columbus Brewing Company Summer Teeth for #SippyTimeBeers. Jeremy gave me a “spoiler” in terms of what happens. It’ll be interesting to see if I agree with him when I hear the promo. Time for the review.

CM Punk gets to kick things off. He looks like he wants to molest someone with that mustache. I tweet and half pay attention to Punk’s recap. Lots of cheers. I already can’t wait until he comes back. Punk gets to finish on the Kiss My Ass Club line before Cena interrupts. Punk still getting lots of cheers. They’ve sold me on the PPV already. I have to blog it. Actually live, or mostly live. The dogs will need walked at some point. Jeremy was right. Cena delivered before the interruption by the Raw GM. If he said it, it must be convincing. I’ve defended Cena for a long time, only finally giving up a couple of months ago. He restored my faith some. Jeremy asked if Punk to Cena could be Benoit to the Rock. Only time will truly tell but Cena has had to go against the Rock recently and now Punk. He’s in above his head and if he truly cares about wrestling like he said in Australia, Cena will step it up on the mic.

Cena has to take on McGillicutty & Otunga. We all know that 1 is always better than 2 in wrestling. Duh. I’m going to miss hearing Killswitch Engage every week.

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