Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

My girlfriend’s present for her birthday was to not watch wrestling tonight. We had a great time eating dinner at Betty’s and then grabbing ice cream at Jeni’s. It’s put me behind the eight ball especially since I was a dumb ass and didn’t pawn this column off on someone else. Because it’s still the most important show in wrestling, despite it’s consistently poor quality, I think we need to cover it. 3 hours and 5 minutes of fun to come starting at midnight. Good thing I pulled a lot of all nighters when I was in Architecture School at Kent State. Let’s roll.

AJ Lee comes out and announces some big matches for the show. I’m plowing thru this episode so entrances are so getting the FF button. CM Punk interrupts her after the first FF of the night. Punk tries to weasel out of the triple threat match but it doesn’t work. John Cena hasn’t been in an opening segment in weeks so he comes out. I just noticed Punk went to the Lemmy look. It works better for HHH. I like recitation of facts. (Sarcasm central). Cena saying the champ doesn’t win in triple threat matches is the biggest gaffe of them all. Then of course Punk feeds AJ for his match of the night so we can close this segment out. Our choices suck. Thanks for showing up Big Show.

Shock of all shocks, Rey Mysterio won the vote. The popular guy won! (I’m getting the feeling this column will be sarcasm heavy. Maybe I’ll stop pointing it out.) Another surprise, nothing happens in the match before the commercial break. I do like the way these guys work together though. Hell of a feud. Oh my lord Lawler, Mitchell Cool makes a ludicrous statement about AJ Lee taking out her wrath on Punk and you sit there like a lump on a log then agree with him, sort of. Disagree with him for fucks sake. Point out that CM Punk interfered in the match to determine the number one contender. It’s not hard. Punk wins with the GTS. Nice. The WWE did pick good opponents for everyone except Big Show. Orton can’t lose this early in his return. Ricardo Rodriguez outshines Alberto Del Rio again. Too bad he can’t wrestle. Or isn’t in shape.

I’m digging the Fight Club remake of Wade Barrett. Fits into his previous stories too. Why is every wrestler dumber than a box of rocks these days? Alberto gets himself in trouble and booked for a match.

Christian gets to job to Alberto. Nice touch of having Del Rio dress and tape on the way to the ring. Sheamus has a head injury. Lawler is even mailing it in with his friends. No personal congratulations for Booker T yet. Sent him a text at least. Ricardo distracts the ref, Alberto nails Christian with the boot for the win. Ricardo left the keys for Sheamus to steal the car. I can’t wait for the visit around San Antonio. (Last hint of sarcasm.) Ha.

Big Show against Randy Orton kicks off the 9 o’clock segment. So, what’s the old mid-main event? Or is the Cena match in that slot with an unknown main event? Stay tuned for too long. Double count out. Just like any decent fan would have expected. Big Show misses the WMD which allows the Viper to strike. Yep, I see that guy winning the title at the next pay per view. (I fucking told you no more hints.)

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Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 8/20/11

1. Kevin Nash – A week and a day after Nash joked about becoming HHH’s body guard against CM Punk at the meet and greet for PWO’s Wrestlelution 4, he did just that at Summerslam. Well, maybe. The WWE decided to thicken the plot by having John Laurinaitis talk to Nash and Stephanie McMahon talk to CM Punk. They both gave reasons why they could have sent the text message to Nash to attack the winner of the match. Since we know it was Nash in the ring with the (Jack) Knife, finding out the sender of the text message is the only part of this  “Who Done It?” that remains unresolved. – Kevin

2. Mike Chioda – Not only did we already know that Chioda was “The Man” amongst referees, now we allegedly know that he must be “The Man” for partying after his Wellness Policy violation. I wonder if he counts to three or ten before exhaling. – Kevin

3. Sting, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – Sting cut another ridiculously awful promo which is no surprise. The highlight of which was him asking the crowd if they wanted to see Hogan in another match against him. Even the Impact Zone crowd, who will cheer for just about anything, had a tepid response. Adding to the old age home amusement, Ric Flair complimented Sting on how in shape he was. Later, Flair showed off his tuned up physique to Hogan in his office. Any combination of these three in the ring will produce more sag than Joan Rivers’ botox could prevent. – Kevin

4. Jeremy & Eric – Where are they this week? Good question. I hope when they come back, if they ever come back, they apologize to you, the loyal reader, for going MIA here. – Dusty

5. The Young Bucks – Boy did I start a mini-bleepstorm with my Young Bucks post. Let me break it down for you: If you are too stupid to go into a WWE lockerroom and not shake everyone’s hand, go into a corner and wait your goddamn turn for a match, you don’t deserve to be in professional wrestling. And if you are so ball-less you post passive aggressive nonsense on Twitter and send your no talent brother in to do the dirty work, you are a horrible human being. This is not arguable. If you disagree with me, please go away. The Young Bucks should go away, too. – Dusty

6. Terri Runnels – My crack research team was able to locate a recent picture of Terri, which I will post here for your edification:

A gruesome visage, I know. – Dusty

7. Evolve – The next step for Evolve is in full effect:

Fat, ugly, badly recorded Jew guy wants YOU! – Dusty

8. Dave Meltzer – What on earth is causing “I” to be replaced with “In” every single time he writes it? This has happened for several weeks in a row now, and is quite frankly very disturbing. Is it a legit typo, every single time? A glitch in his voice-to-text software? The world may never know. – Dusty

9. Joey Abs – I guarantee you you want to know what’s been going on with Joey Abs lately:

What kind of a man hunts with a cellaphone? Real men don’t even own them. – Dusty

10. Sin Cara – The dude playing the fake Sin Cara character (Hunico) was Mystico before Sin Cara was Mistico. He then changed his name to Incognito and started to sell merchandise with his face on it. We’re talking about Incognito soap, candy bars, lighters, napkins, you name it. He sucks, as does real Sin Cara. However, I just gave you a face full of knowledge. Knowledge, right in your maw! Eat the knowledge! Eat it! – Dusty

11. Football – Speaking of Incognito, let’s talk about Richie Incognito and the 2-0 Miami Dolphins. Or, as I like to refer to them, the 2-0 Miami Super Bowl Dolphins. What’s that? These games don’t count? These are fake games? Well… uh… Henne Henne Henne Henne Henne Henne… – Dusty

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Yep, something like this is going to be hitting my hands this week.

So, I’m pumped. This is the last review I will be doing from this computer. I done ordered myself a new lap top because, as I type this, my screen is basically a big blur. Not a way to make this site great. I’d also like to note that it is now it is 10:54 and I turned my computer on at 10:05 PM EST. It is time for an upgrade. We’re talking about adding video content. We’re talking about a lot of things, which is bad ass. As for Jeremy, I’m amused he noted I was trying to get a woman tonight. Keep up with us on Twitter (@Stuntgranny) for additional content as always. It’d be bad ass if I could pull off roller derby girl. Cool cat. Enough about me and the site, on to the review.

Picture pages, picture pages, Nash joked at the Meet & Greet about being HHH’s body guard. We’ll see if it’s true soon enough. I hope he was paid by Del Rio. We get an apology. Del Rio should have cashed it in no matter who won so the mistake was moot in my book. Nash is invited to Raw. Cheap pop HHH. Del Rio gets shoved down our throat more. I can’t wait for his free fall. The belt has really played hot potato recently. I can’t believe that hasn’t been a hot internet topic. Del Rio just feeding the crowd and he finally clubs them like a baby seal. Come on, you know it was coming. I was not impressed.

We get R Truth against John Morrison, again. Thanks for beating this feud into the ground already. Watching this match reminded me that I was watching American Ninja Warrior this weekend. I don’t watch it all the time, but their obstacle courses are awesome and the parkour people love them.

Truth is almost too popular again. His act is so much better though. I didn’t buy a ringside ticket for when Raw hits Columbus in September. I doubt a Falls Counts Anywhere match will pop up again. When was the last time the Raw GM podium was used? I have no idea. The suplexing of Truth into a soft seat was ridiculous. Solid knee to finish him off though.

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WWE referee Mike Chioda suspended for wellness policy violation

Mike Chioda

Didn’t see this one coming: According to Prowrestling.net, WWE referee Mike Chioda, who has been with the company since approximately the beginning of time, has been suspended for a violation of the company’s wellness policy. That’s what he gets for not accepting a ride from me and my friend Merz from Veterans Memorial Auditorium in Des Moines over to his hotel. Jack Doan let us give him a ride over there, and on the way he saw some scantily dressed women and yelled out the window, “What’s up, HOES?!?!” No wonder Doan gets to ref the divas matches so often: Respect.

That said, Chioda is easily the best referee in pro wrestling these days and has been for about 5-6 years now. You never know he’s there, but you also see him just enough to know that when he only counts to two, he holds up the devil horns/Texas longhorn sign. Hey, at least Mark Yeaton knows not to touch that goddamn bell; look at all the space between that index finger and that pinky finger! See you in 30 days, broseph. -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of Raw

Our desks looked a little bit like this back at Kent State.

I am starting this well past the end of Raw. I went out with a friend from architecture school tonight to catch a band. Good stuff for chilled out, folk music. I’m looking forward to Social Distortion much more tonight. The big talk of the night was the Pirates (He’s from Pittsburgh too) going over .500. It’s early in the season. I’m fine with celebrating though. The last time they were .500 for a season, I was just getting my license. I’m getting old. Go Bucs, even if they finish sub .500.

We start with the introduction of Alberto Del Rio. He tries to make his case. Rey interrupts and makes his case. Miz comes out and makes his case. We love lawyers in this country, right? When does the “judge” aka the Raw GM chime in? R Truth comes out for some reason. Truth says Morrison is in the hospital.Maybe the story Jeremy posted was true. I’ll believe it when he’s out for more than a week. R Truth sucks as a heel too. 3 heels to one face is a weird combination. The judge shows up finally. Truth gets the shaft. I’m guessing he assaults Rey to get a feud if Morrison is on the shelf. Truth’s crazy face is making me laugh. I wish I had a screen cap. Miz runs down the new Raw guys. Rodriguez interrupts Miz. Nice.

The Bellas take on Eve Torres & Kelly Kelly. They can’t advertise what number Kelly Kelly is on the Maxim Hot 100 because it’s not high enough for WWE standards. KK won, Kharma is the main reason for this segment.  The Bellas are the smartest Divas. Eve gets gets her ass handed to her. Kharma runs off KK. The women’s division still sucks. So much for my thought that Eve competed with her size wise somewhat.

Replay of Mason Ryan’s feat from last week. Kane takes Ryan on. I laugh when the fan tells CM Punk “That was a bitch kick.” Show knocks out Punk. Otunga & McGillicutty rush the ring and get tossed. The big guys get their mojo back a little bit. Another I’m wrong moment, Zeke is getting repushed on Smackdown. Maybe if I read spoilers, I’d known before Dusty & I recorded.

Vickie introduces Ziggler who gets to have a cheap win over Santino. Still weird they keep Dolph up there without him going anywhere. My boy drilled that drop kick. Another commercial? Starting to feel like last week.

After recapping Smackdown, Ken Ober (I know it’s not him but he reminds me of him for some reason) asks Truth about earlier. Truth is not getting any better with the time they’re giving him. He’s going to be taken seriously. When he goes intense (without the cross eyes) he’s good actually. Commercial. I’m going to be done by 1 AM.

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