#ImpactWrestling – Total Nonsense Analysis

The_Persistence_of_Memory

The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali

I went to bed last Thursday night without watching the end of Impact Wrestling. I had caught the beginning where MVP, Kenny King and Bobby Lashley come out upset that Eric Young had evaded their attempts to take the TNA World Championship from him. MVP called out Eric Young who promptly threw down a challenge to MVP which was then accepted by the impetuous Kenny King due to MVP’s injury. Eric Young won in short order thanks to help from everyone in the back who is now anti-MVP. In the next segment, MVP set up a second match for the champion against Bobby Lashley. This is where I stopped watching. Much to my surprise when I saw headlines the next day, Bobby Lashley had been crowned new TNA World Champion. Here’s my break down of this epic ineptitude.

As noted in previous editions of this column, I try to start with a clean slate. When EY came out for his verbal beat down, the crowd in Bethlehem PA was very much behind him. I feel like the Orlando crowd was getting behind him too. I can accept that everyone doesn’t view him as a blatant rip off of Daniel Bryan so he’s worthy of being cheered. Even though many people, including myself, ripped the decision to give EY the belt, he is trending in the correct direction so you shouldn’t take the strap off of him. Having the heel faction in charge continue to put him behind the eight ball is Wrestling 101. I did think to myself “More copying of Daniel Bryan” but what other options are available for an unworthy, small wrestler? I can accept repeating that aspect of the angle by having EY take on both King and Lashley. After that point though, I start scratching my head.

I don’t get why you’d take the belt off of EY once you commit to the angle. If the wrestler in question were a big name, I may be able to accept it. I am assuming that MVP was going to be the recipient of the title had he not been injured. I’m also assuming they were going to have him win the strap at the Slammiversary. If that was the case, why not give Lashley the title at the PPV? Jeremy covered this on Stunt Granny Audio 260 when he said that it was carnie booking. If the advertised match doesn’t happen, the person who was advertised for the match has to win. I think that is a dumb theory. MVP isn’t a big enough name to get me to accept this angle though I would argue he’s a more recognizable name than Lashley. TNA doesn’t realize that Lashley isn’t a big enough name. Lashley may have been in the WWE but he was far from a big name there even if Donald Trump chose him as his combatant in a Wrestlemania match against Vince McMahon & Umaga. One would think that TNA would realize that if Hulk Hogan can’t move the needle, no retread from the WWE is going to do so.

Since I’m assuming MVP was going to win at Slammiversary, the next question is why chose Lashley instead of letting MVP heal? MVP is doing all of the talking for his faction. He is the more complete package as far as wrestling and mic work goes. It is terrible how he has been booked going from baby face to heel with a drop of a hat. I think MVP’s delivery and demeanor have come off well in the segments. If you believe MVP, his injury wasn’t major. Why not wait until he heels to move the strap over on the next PPV? You could feud Young with King and Lashley so that Young can finally get to MVP. You could build up EY while waiting for a better option as your future champion to recover.

Bobby Lashley has said next to nothing in the group. Kenny King has supplied the comedy for that group. I’m really glad TNA decided not to give him the belt. The reason Lashley hasn’t gotten the mic is that he is terrible on it. It’s been quite a few years now that being good on the mic is a required skill for a main eventer. Brock Lesnar may have a mouth piece in Paul Heyman, but he’s got a couple of things Lashley doesn’t. He isn’t terrible on the mic. Lashley may have won the NAIA Wrestling Championships but Lesnar trumps him by winning the NCAAs. Lashley may have been in MMA but Lesnar was the UFC Heavyweight Champion. Could Lashley tie most of us into a pretzel? Sure. Does he have a resume even close to that of Lesnar? No.

Another person that I could think to compare Lashley to is Roman Reigns. He was in The Shield. He was the guy who didn’t get any mic time in his group. Reigns still isn’t getting much mic time which I think is a good decision on the WWE’s part. But he and Lesnar both possess something that Lashley hasn’t even had, good in ring skills. Lashley may have a laundry list of accomplishments, but it hasn’t translated to the ring for reasons that are unknown to me. Lashley is a big guy but not a monster like Lesnar. Lashley (6′-3″, 275) is about the same size as Roman Reigns (6′-3″, 265) but he doesn’t possess his athleticism. Lashley isn’t going to pull off an apron drop kick any time soon. Lashley has neither the mic or in ring skills to be a champion.

Another reason I could think of to take the strap off of Young is that he needs to go film his show “No Limits” for Animal Planet. In that case, TNA shouldn’t have committed to giving him the title in the first place. EY isn’t taking off time though. He was on Fox & Friends to hype both his show and TNA. I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe if he’s the guy getting TV time, EY should be the one toting the strap. After EY is the pitch man, Lashley comes in an awkwardly stares at him to end the segment. The reason Young is out there is that he has been at a minimum good on the mic or else he wouldn’t have stuck around as a comedy act or been recruited to be a TV host.

The timing of these title changes is a whole separate problem from worthiness of who has the strap. TNA has now gone two consecutive pay per views, keep in mind that they only have four, without a Heavyweight Title change. But to keep you on your toes, they decided to have EY win the strap the show prior to one while Lashley won the show after one. Anyone that shucked out money for either of those has to feel like an idiot or at a minimum like they didn’t get their money’s worth. It is a no win position to try and defend how their decisions not to have the pay offs on PPV.

Giving the TNA World Title to Eric Young was a mistake. Having MVP win it Slammiversary would have been a mistake too. Allowing Bobby Lashley to win the title on a regular televised show is the biggest mistake of the three. Congratulations TNA, you have allowed Ring of Honor to become the second best promotion in America. – Kevin

Booker T Tells the Kettle Its’ Black And Calls Out Ronda Rousey

Pot_calling_the_kettle_black_by_CoelasquidSo when I went to Prowrestling.net, I found a link to this story on Yahoo! Sports that interviewed Booker T about his jail time, helping kids learn English in Singapore and MMA. I found the last topic the most interesting. The delicious irony of Booker T saying

I don’t think the lifespan (of MMA fighters) is very long, and you could get hurt really, really bad doing it…Plus, when it’s over with, where do you go from there?

The day after Adam “Edge” Copeland got the opening segment on WWE’s flagship show Raw, Booker tells us MMA fighters don’t have long careers. Why did Triple H make half a dozen “Stack of dimes neck” references then Book? Because Edge had a long career? Oh no, because he had a short career. I’m sure Steve Austin decided to move along during the height of his popularity because of the huge movie roles that he is landing. That’s right, Austin had to move on because of injuries too. He isn’t landing huge roles either. Austin isn’t doing bad for himself but you don’t hear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson doing a podcast because he needs some extra change in his couch cushions. I’m also going to guess that Booker thinks that Chris Benoit had a nice long, healthy career.

The second part of the statement shouldn’t go unnoticed either. Booker T, again just last night, was telling Big Show to be professional and not do anything stupid because he needed to support his young daughter and family. If WWE wrestlers are more diversified than your average MMA fighter, shouldn’t you advise Big Show to do what is right because he has a back up career? How about you Booker, what’s your back up career to wrestling? That’s right, it’s being a wrestling personality. And running a wrestling school. It certainly seems like you moved on from wrestling Book. Then he moved on to ripping on Ronda Rousey who

…couldn’t find her way in life and found it through going out and beating other girls up.

From Bustedcoverage.com

From Bustedcoverage.com

So the guy that needed jail time to get straightened out is telling a woman who got into the Olympics at the age of 17 that she couldn’t find her way in life? Who is this guy kidding? Has he even taken as much time as yours truly to read Ronda’s Wikipedia page? Maybe Booker did but I doubt it or else I wouldn’t be able to rip on him. If you get into the Olympics before you can drink alcohol legally, you have found something in life to do. I could care less if it’s beating up people of the same gender. You made a living wearing tights and well, I’ll let him hoist his own petard

Wrestling is Shakespeare. Phantom of the Opera. Romeo and Juliet. That’s what it is – men in tights

At least he laughed after that comment. Hopefully he’ll find a lot of public shaming for some really stupid comments funny too. – Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio #203

Kevin and Dusty are at the helm for this edition of Stunt Granny Audio, and what an edition it is! The two heroes are momentarily distracted by Dusty’s A’s destroying Jeremy’s Tigers, but are eventually able to turn their attentions towards the latest happenings in the world of professional wrestling. Both Brian Gewirtz and Jim Cornette lost their jobs as head writers for WWE and ROH, respectively. What is the fall out going to be for those two promotions? Can we expect tangible changes, or are these just superficial changes that won’t really incur actual changes unless other moves are made? CM Punk had showdowns with both Vince McMahon and a fan on this past Monday’s Raw. Can a slap really reverberate to the knee, or is the fan just looking to get his sue on? Is it ridiculous for Vince McMahon to be standing toe-to-toe with a top wrestler? TNA’s salary information got leaked on the internet mysteriously. We agree that it’s fun to just gossip about things you’re not really supposed to know. Who is overpaid? Who is underpaid? Will Kurt Angle be heading back to WWE anytime soon? Dave Batista made his MMA debut recently. Is he in it for the long haul or is he just trying to keep his name out there until Vince takes him back? Will he actually be successful at this endeavor? Would he stand any kind of chance whatsoever against Brock Lesnar in a shoot? And finally, much like walking in on your parents as they are, you know, getting busy, the Hulk Hogan sex tape is something you see that you can never ever unsee. But it’s news, so we have to talk about. And you can listen to it by downloading the link, so you better do that immediately.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #203

Dave “Brass Body” Bautista fancies himself an MMA fighter. You be the judge

Here is the full fight of Big Dave in his very first MMA fight. I watched it live last night and feel even worse about this than I did while watching. You be the judge. That is of course if you have a few seconds to see Dave get punched by a walking bag of liquid marshmallow for 3 minutes before he gets taken down and beaten like a self defense rape dummy. It is up to you. -Jeremy

The best wrestling promo of the year so far

IMO. – Dusty

Batista to open MMA training facility; first course: Beating Asthma and Muscle Tears 101

batista

Screw it, this is our default Batista picture from now on.

According to Gerweck.net (via TMZ.com), former WWE star Dave Batista plans to open an MMA training facility in Tampa, Fla., with Cesar Gracie called Gracie Fighter Jiu Jitsu. So, in other words, Cesar Gracie plans to open an MMA training facility in Tampa, Fla., while Batista sits in the corner. This is the same Dave Batista who trained for MMA and swore up and down he had a deal with Strikeforce, only to see that never come to fruition. He claims it’s because UFC bought Strikeforce and couldn’t free up the kind of money Batista said he could make for them. I claim it’s because Batista is 42 years old with a history of asthma/poor conditioning and brittle muscles and ligaments due to years and years of (anabolic) wear and tear.

Batista has claimed Ric Flair as a close friend since their days in Evolution. You may recall that, in September 2007, Flair, who is infamous for spending more money than he made, opened a business called Ric Flair Finance. (It closed in July 2008 and Flair filed for bankruptcy.) Now Batista, who has never fought one MMA fight, is opening an MMA training facility. Up next: Triple H teaches guys without ponytails how not to be a douche, and Dusty Rhodes opens a speech therapy school. -Eric

Batista claims UFC-Strikeforce merger ended his MMA career (*cough*)

Nope, no red flags here.

According to Prowrestling.net, Dave Batista is claiming that his pending deal with MMA company Strikeforce fell through due to UFC’s purchase of the brand. According to my calendar, my lung doctor and my brittle friend who loves steroids and my friend who lives in reality, Batista’s MMA deal is falling through because he’s 42 years old, he’s an asthmatic with no otherwise obvious cardiovascular conditioning, years of (alleged) steroid use have made his muscles cracklier than oat bran, and he’s not worth the money to any MMA company that he’s been asking for. With Undertaker on his annual and ever-growing vacation, Triple H transitioning further into an office position, and Edge recently retiring due to injury, does this mean Batista would be welcome back with open arms? Maybe, but he’d get gassed running toward the embrace. Offer him 20 dates and a hot angle as The Rock’s muscle leading up to WrestleMania 28 and I bet he’d do it for an inhaler and a clean syringe. -Eric

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