Kevin’s Blog: #iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I need this head scratcher to figure out Hogan's Open Fight Night concept.

I know I mentioned this in an audio recently but I’m not sure I mentioned it in this space. My levels of reviews are Definitely or Almost Live which happens the night of the show. A Day Late & A Dollar Short is, duh, the next day. For The Hell Of It title says I just want to put content on the site. I’d imagine anyone that wanted to read a review of these shows has done it already. I’m throwing some pity because of their dismal ratings news. Plus, I know I won’t review the show on time this coming week. I have a ticket to go see Mick Foley & the Reverend Bob Levy on Thursday. I’m excited.

I want to vomit already. Hulk Hogan just called Samoa Joe & Brutus Magnus the greatest tag team ever. OK, well, only one champ each “Fight Night” can be called out? Or is Hogan just assigning one title match and the rest of the champs can still be called out? Devon comes out and calls out Bully Ray. I guess the champ can call someone out. All of the roster is hanging out together. Um, why? Just watch from your locker room. Bully Ray turns down the challenge. Shouldn’t Hogan have come out and enforced his won rules? Devon starts the match by attacking Bully Ray on the ramp. At least Taz called the Dudleys the greatest tag team of all time. He was trying to correct Hogan’s nonsense. They probably aren’t but they’re closer than the other clowns. Nothing happening before the commercial break.

Taz & Mike Tenay are praising the concept but doing nothing to help define it. The action has been pretty solid. It’s all familiar stuff. It makes sense they’re going for big shots and power moves. Devon gets the win after a spine buster. I would have liked to have seen him get some more offense in before the pin fall. Austin Aries talks about not being impressed with Bully Ray. Ric Flair is asked about the proper send off for Eric Bischoff. According to Flair, Eric is the greatest promoter of all time. Yep, I’m sure that’s why “his” company got bought by WWE.

Kazarian & Christopher Daniels talked to Kurt Angle. He yells at them for helping him because he doesn’t need anyone’s help. OK then. Jeremy Borash came to the ring. He says that Eric Bischoff is the biggest prick the company has ever had. Borash wants to fight him. Bischoff comes down clapping. As Eric talks, Bully Ray low blows JB. Bischoff pulls his leg up and gets the pin. JB could have kicked out. Ball shots hurt but prove a point. And why does a leaving heel need heat? Or this much camera time? Boy I can’t think of why they’re rating is below 1.0.

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TNA Sacrifice PPV Review

Fuck You Bill Gates or whoever created Windows and Audacity.

OK, so Kevin and I recorded an audio since we are both in the same building together. So we , meaning I, bought the PPV and watched the entire thing and had strong opinions. So we drank a bunch and recorded. You know, like men do. Right near the end Audacity, the recording program., takes a stinky crap and we lose everything. It was a good show too. It was full of farts and other types of jokes. It was funny and honest. I guess this is what happens when you combine the both. So, in review, we gave the PPV a slight thumbs down but it wasn’t a suicidal sort of thing. Oh, furthering the review, fuck Audactiy and fuck Windows XP. So, before we leave you we will leave you with a summary for each match we can remember. -Jeremy

Team 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money Inc.

Kevin- Without 3D this match is better than it was. Too bad the Band will shit on MCMG.

Jeremy- Team 3D ruined a perfectly good match. I haste them, not personally but in a ” I never want them on a television show I watch again” way.

ROB TERRY vs. ORLANDO JORDAN

Kevin- This match was all that is wrong about TNA. Bad character development and bad in ring wrestling.
Jeremy- Orlando’s Cirq De Soli entrance was gay. Hey that fits. Oh this match sucked.
KAZ vs. DOUGLAS WILLIAMS
Kevin- Decent match but they should have made Kaz interim champ much like Shane Carwin is interim champ for the UFC Heavyweight Champion. I’m glad Douglas Williams won even if I’m not sold on him or his rant against high flyers.
Jeremy- Doug Williams is boring. I don’t get his appeal.
MADISON RAYNE vs. TARA
Kevin- Madison works out at the same gym as I do. She’s pretty hot in person. I hope she gets more in ring work because she has potential.
Jeremy- Kevin has seen Madison Rayne in the flesh or so he says. Yup, and Masa Chono junior is a cunt for interupting Tara’s goodbye.
SCOTT HALL & KEVIN NASH vs. INK INC.
Kevin- Scott Hall may have eaten Syxx-Pac. He may have shared a leg with Kevin Nash. I love grey chest hair.
Jeremy- Why is Jesse Neal on a PPV instead of Samoa Joe?
ABYSS vs. DESMOND WOLFE
Kevin- Abyss with Chelsea is not as funny as George the Animal Steele with Elizabeth. TNA sucks. Still. I’m sure you’re all surprised.
Jeremy- Desomnd Wolfe could be in WWE. He could be on Smackdown right now in the mid card pushing the bottom of the uppee tier. Instead he jobs to a retard. Good choice moron.
MR. ANDERSON vs. JEFF HARDY
Kevin- Anderson’s assholes is said and chanted yet Taz needs to stop before saying up “Shit” creek without a paddle. Decide what audience you want and stick to your plans.
Jeremy- Good match with a really weird crowd. How can Jeff Hardy not be roundly cheered by everyone. Oh, he’s in TNA.
STING vs. JEFF JARRETT
Kevin- Sting sucks. Jeff Jarrett sucks. At least Jarrett is in good enough shape to take off his shirt and ring jacket. Maybe that’s why he took in the stripper and her kids and not Sting who is jealous.
Jeremy- Why do you start a match after one guy beats the other guy down? It makes no snese and Slick Johnson should should be incinerated immediatly.
ROB VAN DAM vs. A.J. STYLES
Kevin- RVD had an awesome promo before the match. TNA is actually letting him be the old RVD from ECW. Solid match that had way too much Jay Lethal. Woo! Another bad gimmick. Woo! RVD wins because Mike Tenay was smart enough to want to see the in ring action. Thanks for finally being a professional announcer and not reading off a note pad in front of you while the camera has a shot of it. You’re less professional than us. Fuck you Mike Tenay.
Jeremy- Good match and should have been longer. I have nothing bad to say about it other than the ridiculous amount of times RVD played to the crowd was tiresome.

Best of 2009- Jeremy Edition

Best Promotion:

WWE. This wasn’t nearly as easy to choose as I first thought. Monday Night raw is a diarrhea diaper. ECW is akin to your parents in the nursing home. You go see them only because you feel obligated. Then there is Smackdown; the best wrestling show in the world. So 1.5 out of 3 isn’t so bad. Not like TNA’s zero batting average for their product.

Runners up:

ROH: Cary Silkin correctly booted Gabe Sapolsky and eventually brought in Jim Cornette to “hang around: In the meantime the promotion lost talent left and right but it is still a good promotion. It found its legs after a few months of being lost but nowhere near the train wreck that comes in third.

TNA: By default they are third. I can’t consider Lucha Libre since I don’t understand Spanish and that shit looks choreographed beyond belief.

Best Injury:

Mickie James’ implant busting. Now, Mickie James is at the top of my list of women’s wrestlers I would sleep with despite the fact they may have an incurable STD. I love this injury because it gives me spank material thinking about how she would need to massage her breasts to soften up the new implant. Even if that isn’t how it works its real to me. Excuse me, be back in 3 minutes. Oh and this story may not even be true but I don’t care.

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Indy starlets Young Bucks sign with TNA… blecch

Young Bucks

Fucking dorks.

According to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks have signed with TNA. This follows what was called a “great” dark match against the Motor City Machine Guns. Rather than paste what Powell wrote, let me paste what Jordan and I had to say about the Young Bucks after we saw them at the Dragon Gate show in Chicago over Labor Day weekend:

The Young Bucks suck. They have a couple of OK moves, but they are boring babyfaces and look cheesy as shit with their tassles and “YB” on the asses of their blue tye-dieish tights and their “COME ON, BABY!” offense. The crowd spent their entire reactions chanting “H-A-G-E!” at the bald Horiguchi (that’s how you spell “bald” in Japanese), and Horiguchi was superbly entertaining in his reactions. One of the Bucks kicked the ref to bump him (whoa, Gabe, take it easy), so the Bucks got a visual three-count. Thankfully, Horiguchi sprayed blue mist into one of the Bucks eyes (good god, man, Russo called and wants his playbook back) then hit some sort of cross-armed facebuster for the pin. Blond Buck then started crying for his brother, begging the gods to deliver him a bottle of water to rinse out his precious partner’s eyes. He bitched, pissed and moaned at the ref like a good babyface should, then the two raised their hands at the top of the ramp even though they didn’t win. Oh, go away.

If they’re half as cheesy in TNA as they were that night, they’ll still be twice as cheesy as Mick Foley. Hell, Foley might overhear that they’re “cheesy” and eat them! -Eric

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