Shane Helms may have been drunk when he crashed his motorcycle

I mean, he drinks and hangs out with weirdos, sooo...

On the latest Stunt Granny Big 11, Dusty was kind enough not to skewer Shane Helms too much given his recent motorcycle accident. I mean, poking fun at Shane Helms is like making fun of a retarded boy. No, there is no analogy here, it’s literally making fun of a retarded boy. Have you heard this guy talk? Have you seen the company he keeps? Putting a mongoloid on a two-wheeled motorized machine is like giving a gun to a chimp, except when someone gets shot, you get to blame the chimp. If anyone was cruisin’ for this kind of bruisin’, it was free-wheelin’, backwoods livin’, Shawn Michaels-hatin’ Shane Helms. But oh, how the plot does thicken: Now, according to Prowrestling.net, Helms’s accident is being investigated as a DUI. So Helms, who could probably get a contact high off his buddy Jeff Hardy (or a contact cavity from Matt), according to a witness allegedly chose to drink, get drunk, ride his motorcycle with his girlfriend on the back, fly through a stop sign and crash into a chain-link fence. (Do we need a “Stand back, there’s a Hurricane coming through” joke here?”) Dusty said over IM that, in response to whorry Velvet Sky soliciting donations for Helms’ recovery, Shawn Michaels ought to write a check to him for one dollar and include a note that says, “You obviously need this much more than I do. Love, Shawn.”

OK, he might need more than a dollar... (Credit TMZ.com)

And on a side note, what is it with this motley crew’s luck with ladies and accidents? Shane Helms gets drunk and nearly kills himself and his girlfriend on a motorcycle ride. Jeff Hardy stashes drugs in his home with his girlfriend, and his house burns down. Matt Hardy dates Lita and, when she sees his penchant for chocolate and sewing, dumps his womanly ass for a real man. It’s a good thing no one would touch that scumbag Shannon Moore with a 10-foot pole or we could have another dual-gender tragedy on our hands. -Eric

"Hey, watch it!"

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/7/11

1. Chris Jericho- He was voted off of Dancing With The Stars and has been silent since. Can he please return to WWE and get in to his ready made feud with Randy Orton already? –Jeremy

2. Kharma- WWE has done a good job with her debut. She scared a double chin on to Kelly Kelly but let’s face it, Eric would still crawl through used hypodermic needles to , well, you get it. Now it seems Kharma is a pet project of Triple H so she should be in for a sustained push. -Jeremy

3. TNA- So they are changing the name off Impact to Impact Wrestling. Whatever; polishing a turd eventually wears it away and you are left with flecks. After watching Impact this week I am almost positive we are on the last rung of shit from this company. -Jeremy

4. WWE Studios– So this failed venture continues to lose money and there is no talk of getting rid of it. They lost money with The Chaperone which comes to the surprise of all die hard Triple H fans who bought it at Wal-Mart since Netflix won’t run  because “that dang ol puter don’t got the memories or sumptin.” –Jeremy

5. Gail KimIt was just announced on Tuesday that Kim and Chef Robert Irvine who hosts Dinner and Restaurant: Impossible on the Food Network are engaged and plan to get married in May of 2012. Congratulations to them. If they have children, I hope their son goes into wrestling so he can get a push. If they have a daughter, she can go into cooking so that she can be were women should be. -Kevin

6. Bischoff Family Brewing – Eric Bischoff finally does something I might like. Unfortunately, per their Facebook page, it doesn’t appear that I’ll be able to order any of their new laws because of state and federal laws unless I travel to Cody, Wyoming. I was looking forward to it because Bischoff did say he got help from Yellowstone Valley Brewing who won a Gold Medal at the Great American Beer Festival with their Black Widow (Oatmeal) Stout. -Kevin

7. Christian – He got to hold the title for a grand total of about 48 hours before he dropped the strap to Randy Orton at the Smackdown tapings. Evidently the majority of the “internet” is upset about this happening. It’s a good thing we’re not in the majority of the internet. I like the guy as much as anyone but he doesn’t exactly scream World Heavyweight Champion for all of the reasons my colleagues already notes. -Kevin

8. Yoshi Tatsu – I’ve started a new crusade to get more people on Twitter to follow us. Zach Ryder is the popular go to guy but Yoshi has stepped up his game by using his action figure and one of Jabba The Hut to come up with some creative pictures and amusing one liners. Join Twitter, follow us @StuntGranny and Yoshi @YoshiTatsuWWE so that we can all feel more important about ourselves than we should. -Kevin

9. Nick Gage – Read these words:

Nick Wilson, the former CZW star known as Nick Gage, was sentenced to five years in prison on 4/29 in connection with a robbery of the PNC Bank in Collingswood, NJ, on 12/22. Wilson, 30, handed a back teller a note saying he would shoot her unless she handed over cash to him, and he escaped with $3,090. When a shot of Wilson was released, wrestling fans recognized him which led to police finding out his identity and he turned himself in. Judge Samual Natal also ordered Wilson to make full restitution of the $3,090 as well as pay the bank teller $150, since she claimed she was traumatized by the robbery and quit her job. After police were informed of his identity by wrestling fans, Wilson turned himself in and pleaded guilty to the bank robbery.
 
How much does it suck to be that bank teller right now. Suffered trauma, lost her job, only got enough for a couple quarter pounders and a large fry for her trouble. Sad stuff right there. – Dusty
 
10. Shane Helms – He and his girl got into a motorcycle accident a while back. So let me get this straight. He is pro Matt Hardy and pro motorcycle, but anti Shawn Michaels? I’m struggling to find any redeeming value in this “person.” – Dusty
 
11. Christian – He is Simpsons Yellow and is suffering from male pattern baldness at the ripe old age of 37 (in a few years he’s going to be exactly Toby from the Office), and I’m supposed to be upset that he lost the Heavyweight Title? As Senator Clay Davis might say, sheeeeeeeit! – Dusty
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