Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to play Hercules in new, exciting film

According to Prowrestling.net, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will play Hercules in an upcoming movie, “Hercules: The Thracian War,” directed by Brett Ratner, who directed the “Rush Hour” series as well as producing “Santa’s Slay,” starring Bill Goldberg. So he knows how to turn a steaming pile of shit into a silver-screen event.

You may also recognize the Hercules character from such mishaps as, well, “Hercules” (1964, with some foreign actor), “Hercules” (1983, with Lou Ferrigno), and, of course, Hercules. Even the 1997 Disney movie, “Hercules,” was a minor success at best (in spite of the casting of Bobcat Goldthwait, and despite the casting of Max Headroom). So keep an eye out for this new flick about whatever the Thracian War was on the $5 shelf at your nearby Target. -Eric

Chris Benoit book “Ring of Hell” may be adapted into biopic, Hollywood inexperienced with nice guys snapping and murdering women

chris benoit

"Benoit: The Musical": Diving into movie-goers' hearts in 2013!

According to a few people on my Facebook account (including a super secret society and an actual in-person friend), SRG Films is set to produce a “biographical thriller” about the life and times of Chris Benoit. Oh, and about that part where he murdered his wife and kid. Cries of “too soon” fall on deaf ears around Stunt Granny, so let’s get excited! Oh, wait… SRG Films is a company that’s never actually made a movie (but has one in the works starring a bunch of hot chicks with no published plot), so the Benoit biopic is sure to have Marlon Brando and Chris Benoit rolling over in their graves.

Here’s some info from IGN:

Coming Soon posted a press release that describes Crossface as “a biographical thriller” that “delves into the pressures WWE superstar Chris Benoit faced throughout his wrestling career as the combination of drug-use, depression, and head trauma became increasingly impossible for him to handle. The true story made headline news in 2007 when Chris murdered his wife and young son before taking his own life.”

The film’s writer, Sarah Coulter, said: “People immediately point to steroids, never thinking about the brain trauma these wrestlers can, and do, incur in their profession, nor do they consider the rigorous schedule that keeps them working even when they shouldn t be. The Benoit story is one that needs to be brought into the light.”

Actually, a lot of people have thought about the head trauma (everyone) and the rigorous schedule (Wade Keller), stupid.

Producers are said to be out to directors and actors right now in the hopes of beginning production in late 2012.

Here’s hoping the potential stars don’t go through that “method acting” thing where they consume their lives with the lead’s characteristics. Otherwise, Hollywood will be filled with dead wives, and that’s a cultural shift we simply cannot handle.

To summarize, a film company who’s never made a film is making a film about a a pro wrestler who murdered his wife and kids for reasons we already know yet seeks to uncover the truth about an industry that’s just as fucked up as the industry within which this film is being made. “Andre: Heart of a Giant,” eat your giant heart out. -Eric

ODB to play role in movie with Angle, Meryl Streep may never work again

ODB

"My voice is all distinguishy and stuff, what?!"

Jeremy pointed this one out to me: According to PWTorch.com, ODB, in a recent interview, explained that her absence from TNA television lately is due to pursuing an interest in Hollywood… and stuff.

“I’m just trying to stay busy. Sometimes you just get bored with some things and there’s so much more I could do. I went to L.A. and got things figured out. Since I have a distinguished voice, I want to use my voice for some stuff. Maybe there will be an ODB cartoon in the future.”

ODB didn’t work the last set of TV tapings in May, leaving her off TV for the past month of Impact episodes. ODB said she will be part of Kurt Angle’s upcoming “Death from Above” movie that begins filming next week. Matt Morgan and Kevin Nash are also scheduled to be part of the movie.

Jeremy didn’t want to post about this, because he couldn’t think of anything mean to say about ODB. Sooooo… *deep breath*

Angle and his TNA cronies absorb ODB into their web of suck… If she does a topless scene, it’ll take two screens to show it… The only reason the white-trash ODB wasn’t tapped to do a movie with Angle earlier is because he had to weed through the black chicks first… The only difference between ODB and Rhaka Khan is that ODB’s movie will end up directly on a shelf at Walmart, whereas Rhaka Khan shops at Walmart… Dixie Carter is pushing all of her wrestlers to audition for movies in hopes of a) increasing exposure for her shitty product and b) launching IMODB.com… Kevin Nash wishes he was still playing Super Shredder… If a projectionist shows a TNA movie in front of the same 600 mutants and no one gives a fuck, is Kurt Angle still a star? -Eric

Batista Comes From The Wrong Side Of Town

Goddamn right. – Dusty

“Andre: Heart of the Giant” so close!!

It looks like he ate Little Beaver...

Wow, even JBL would cover up those moobs...

This is more of an update on something we used to joke about than it is any sort of real news, but as I was perusing our MySpace account (www.myspace.com/theaudioexperience), I noticed the “online” status of the profile for the upcoming movie “Andre: Heart of the Giant.” Go to the MySpace profile here:

http://www.myspace.com/andreheartofthegiant

Long-time friends may remember us joking about this film, how awful the acting looked in the trailer, how hackish the sets looked, and how misshapen the guy playing Andre is. Not to mention the fact that the director’s name was spelled wrong on the poster. Well guess, what, folks. WE’RE ONLY ONE MONTH AND SIX DAYS AWAY from this thing stinking up theaters all across the country! And by “theaters” I mean a room in a ghetto with three seats, four crackheads and two-dollar admission, and by “all across the country” I mean if this thing gets onto more than 20 screens, I will eat my hat. -Eric

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