WWE Hops Aboard The A Train

From Figure Four Weakly:

Matt Bloom, who was New Japan’s top foreign star as Giant Bernard, and had formerly wrestled as Prince Albert and A-Train in WWE, is scheduled to return to the promotion after WrestleMania.

The idea given was for him to be the henchman for John Laurinaitis.

First of all, how clever am I with that headline? I am oh so very clever.

Second of all, this is really exciting for me. I am genuinely a big Matt Bloom fan, and I think this is long overdue for WWE to bring him back into the fold. Couple that with the fact that he’s going to be paired with Johnny Ace, who is my favorite act in WWE right now, and I am in pro wres heaven. Exclamation point.

Third of all, Eric Nelson is probbo crying in his Cheerios right now, because he always brought up Bloom to be in his company, if he ever started a wrestling company. Find a new awesome big man, chumpo! – Dusty

EDIT: Oh, so now it’s not going to happen.

On his Twitter, Matt “Albert” Bloom denied reports he had signed with WWE, writing, “Haha! False. Wife just had a baby. I’ll be on next tour.” Bloom, currently working for New Japan, also commented that he had no idea where the story came from.

I know that this morning, I heard from a number of talents that were told he was coming in this April, so we will see.

I should know better than to get excited about anything wrestling related. – Also Dusty

MVP “Holla to the World” features skanks, cars, white T-shirts, soulless beats

Former WWE superstar MVP (follow him on Twitter at @The305MVP) released a song and a video titled “Holla at the World” where the pro wrestler presumably hollas at the world. How does he do it, you ask? Well, with the help of three skanks walking under a bridge in a desolate part of town (0:17); with the help of a punk-rock white-chick bartender serving drinks to billiards-shooting bikini broads (1:24); with the help of a guy who looks like if Kanye West spent a night on the town with Matt Hardy bouncing from Cracker Barrel to Cracker Barrel (1:51); and with the help of the barely employed Carlito (3:27; yeah, hanging out with your ratty friend who only has a job thanks to his dad will help you get the women).

I don’t know who produced the beats for this song, but they sound like they were purchased from some stock bin and were made in Fruity Loops or Garage Band by a rich white kid with nothing else better to do. MVP also makes the rookie MC mistake of trying to squeeze too many god damn words into one song, like this is the only chance he’ll ever have to share the contents of his diary journal notebook rhyme collection with us. “Love the models in HOTTUBS WAIT I HAVE MORE WORDS TO SPIT OUT!” Calm down, Veep, I’m sure you’ll release another video (that you record in front of a green screen in the mall) whether we want you to or not. -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/14/11

1. Cheese – Some people just can’t get enough of it. Some of those people should try to get less of it. – Eric

2. MVP –  He’s been all over the wrestling media in the past week, promoting New Japan’s first big visit to the U.S. In the process, he’s been very well spoken about what he liked and grew to dislike about WWE’s evolving style to more kid-friendly, PG “entertainment.” Search it all out, it’s all totally worth the read. – Eric

3. Maryse –  Hotsy totsy, did you see that picture Jeremy and Kevin posted for Stunt Granny Audio #142? If that doesn’t make you harder than a left turn in front of the mall, you have no soul. – Eric

4. Chris Harris, Mick Foley & Chyna – These three were supposed to be surprises this week on iMPACT! Since I don’t read spoilers, I was surprised by Harris’ appearance especially since it was his bloated brother that got the gig. I was surprised by Mick Foley because I assumed it would be Dixie Carter. Finally, I knew it was Chyna but was surprised that she looked somewhat with it. What doesn’t surprise me is the fact that I am completely underwhelmed with this treasure trove of surprises. – Kevin

5. Jason Bane – I know my viewing habits are a little behind for Pro Wrestling Ohio so this item could have been posted a couple of weeks ago. After going long spans for PWO Title reigns, Agent Aaron Maguire’s latest client “The Megastar” Marion Fontaine dropped the strap to “The Most Dominant Man in PWO.” It is the second time within the past couple of months that the title changed. I’ll hope that it stays around his waist until Wrestlelution. Congratulations to Jason Bane though. – Kevin

6. TNA Sacrifice – Samoa Joe is feuding with Crimson but isn’t on the PPV. AJ Styles is feuding with Bully Ray but isn’t on the PPV. Mr. Kennedy is feuding with, well, everyone, but isn’t on the PPV. Chris Harris is sad looking and out of shape and he has no feud but he is on the PPV. A guy named Max Buck is on the PPV but not having anal sex with another man. Chyna is on the PPV although she has been out of wrestling and forgotten for a long while. Order estimation- 14,000 or so. – Jeremy

7. Smackdown – Christian and Randy Orton proved to be ratings flops. As the flag carriers for the Friday night broadcast this should be troubling but then it isn’t Monday Night Raw so who cares. – Jeremy

8. Bill DeMott – Since I’m trying to push our Twitter account, I’ll pimp the Tough Enough trainer @BillDeMott since @StuntGranny follows him. My favorite tweet for this week “I have decided how I will answer all those with #Negative comments………theres your answer.enjoy the day-BD”. – Kevin

9. Living in the past – 2011 – 1997 = 14:

Hulk Hogan vs. Sting is the current plan for the Bound for Glory main event, although not etched in stone. When asked, Hogan said right now he’s 50% about doing another match, according to an interview on the “Monday Night Mayhem” radio show. “If you would have asked me two months ago, I would have said no way. If I could get six and a half months (since the most recent fusion surgery) under my belt, I’d pretty much know the answer to that. If I did land wrong or something, just don’t know if all this hardware and stuff would hold together.” Watching Hogan walking on Impact this past week, the idea of doing a match, unless it’s a tag and he’s in for one spot and never does anything that requires movement or falling, looks like a very bad idea. The guy can barely walk. Considering how badly hurt he gets every time he wrestles, this seems really sad to even consider it. Maybe for a million dollar payday you can justify the risk, but him wrestling at this stage won’t move the needle at all unless he says it’s his retirement match (wouldn’t work in storyline since he’s the heel) and goes on all the talk shows to promote it, and even then, with wrestlers and retirements, that may end up meaning nothing for business at this stage.
14 goddamn years ago. – Dusty

10. Elijah Burke – Blew this popstand:

According to TheElijahExpress.com, D’Angelo Dinero, also known as Elijah Burke, has graduated with a degree of high honors in Criminal Justice. This could have been what he was alluding to on May 13th with various tweets, including one Thursday night that read: “My time has come, It’s time to move on. I’ve served well. Hope none has been disappointed; hope my hard work has been Applauded&Appreciated
It has from here. – Dusty

11. Brother Love’s floating head – I just, there are no words:

Dusty

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