Stunt Granny Presents: We Watch Stuff Podcast #4

This week’s “We Watch Stuff” is dedicated to the drama, pageantry, bloat and excess of the Transformers movie franchise. Shahid and Jeremy cover each movie from top to bottom and try to make sense of it all. Why does Bumblebee not talk? What creative mind thought that was a good idea? What excuse does Michael Bay make for his movies? Who is his audience after all? How great were the Ghettobots? You remember them right? You did realize one of them had a very distinct feature? How about the Nazi Transformer? You remember him from the cartoon? Yeah, no one else does. How much did these movie make? Why was the Matrix trilogy Rated R? What the hell does bastion Booger have to do with it all? Just download the show now to find out.

News You Can Use: Fire Crotch, Murder and More Sorensen

Ivelisse Fire CrotchIvelisse Velez was on Tattoo Nightmares on Spike TV. Thanks to Prowrestling.Net for pointing out it’s airing. What, you mean you don’t remember her from Tough Enough either? I’m glad I’m not the only one. I decided to tape it since it didn’t air during my usual viewing time at the gym. For those of you who didn’t watch, Ivelisse thought it was be a good idea to get a sexy tattoo of a phoenix rising…on her crotch. Because the phoenix is below her bikini (look up dummy) or tights line, it appears as if her crotch is on fire. The other problem, not pictured above, is that the phoenix is a negative image inside of all of the flames. Ivelisse didn’t think of the implications until fans chanted “fire crotch” at her.  She was smart enough to whore herself out and get more TV time by going on the show to get it fixed. Jasmine Rodriguez was her tattoo artist. Ivelisse wanted something more womanly and decided to go with a flower. Jasmine was smart enough to not go too much larger than the original tattoo and came up with a solid design. The only problem is she now has a much better done flower crotch. If Ivelisse has ever watched wrestling, she’d realize that once you have a nickname, it sticks with you even after you spend a decade in Japan and come back under a new persona. Have fun still being called “fire crotch” for the rest of your indy career.

Former WWE developmental Brian McGee fatally stabbed his girlfriend Bianca McGaughey. McGee will be charged with first degree murder when he gets out of the hospital because of course this dumb ass fled from the police and crashed his car. What are the chances that the sports media trots Vince McMahon in front of cameras and grills him about the back ground of his wrestlers like they did to Bill Belicheck about Aaron Hernandez? None, that’s what I thought too.

If you didn’t get our fill of Jesse Sorensen news in our podcast below (Seriously, it’s right there. I’m not even going to link to it. If they change pages, just hit next page you lazy bum.) Sorensen is now claiming that a friend put up his GoFundMe.com page and took a jab at Dixie Carter. Sorensen wasn’t concerned enough with the inflammatory remarks to get his meat head of a friend to take down the post. How about removing it while denouncing the post? Just go ahead and keep the money so that you don’t become the next Daniel Lugo. Thanks. -Kevin

Ivelisse Flower Fix

The tattoo is better but is flower crotch better?

Stunt Granny Movie Review: Pain & Gain

pain-and-gainSure, this movie debuted April 11 but we didn’t review it so here it comes. It wasn’t worth going to see full price so my lady and I shuffled off to the Marginally More Than a Dollar Theater before it left even there. I’m not sure what I expected from this movie. All I remember reading about it was that some group was angry that they were glorifying criminals who killed someone. I’m quite sure whoever said that didn’t watch this movie. Or they had their eyes open and didn’t get the message of the movie which was Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg), Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and Paul Doyle (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) were all incredibly stupid weight lifters who got what they deserved. So spoilers ahead. You have been warned so no bitching.

Daniel Lugo is the main character and ring leader of this crew. I could have done without the ending being at the beginning of the movie because it was a linear story otherwise and didn’t add anything to the movie a la Pulp Fiction. Lugo has big dreams of being a rich guy but the only thing he truly cares about is looking buff while taking copious amounts steroids. It is funny that a rich guy who may have had help from performance enhancing drugs is playing the part. Lugo is a gym trainer who changes gyms to make more money. Unfortunately, after bringing in major business into the new gym his needs aren’t satisfied so him and his best friend Adrian Doorbal hatch a plan to kidnap a client Victor Kershaw, played by Tony Shalhoub, and have him sign over his Scholtzsky’s fortune. I immediately thought to myself “How dumb is this plan?” but because they’re both idiots, no such thought crosses their minds. They feel the need to have a third person in their crew which is where Paul Doyle comes into the equation. He is another ex-convict who can’t get a job anywhere. Lugo convinces John Mese, played by Rob Corddry and the owner of the new gym, to hire Doyle all while planning to add him to the kidnapping crew. Doyle is the only sympathetic figure since he had cleaned up his act after his drug fueled conviction by becoming drug free and trying to dedicate his life to God. His character certainly brought the funny because of his split personality between his old life and new life. Lugo persuades Doyle to join his crew by telling him that it will be easy and no one will get hurt. Only another dumb weight lifter would think that a kidnapping could end without someone getting hurt.

Their incompetence comes in when they attempt to kidnap Kershaw but they fail twice before finally grabbing him on their third attempt when he comes out of his Scholtzsky’s. Keep in mind that these lunk heads thought ninja costumes from your local Halloween store were good costumes. Lugo, Doorbal and Doyle end up keeping Kershaw in an abandoned dry cleaners turned sex toy storage warehouse. The later of which comes into play because Kershaw is beaten with sex toys. After finally breaking Kershaw and getting him to sign over his Scholtzsky’s and money, Lugo runs into the problem that none of the paper work is notarized. John Mese comes into the equation because the gym has leveled off, he needs a sponsor for a body building competition and he just so happens to be a notary public. Lugo promises him a Schlotzsky’s sponsorship in turn for notarizing the documents that will bring him his “deserved” riches. Because Kershaw knows their identity, Lugo realizes that they need to kill him. Their first attempt to drive him into a concrete column fails because his car has an airbag and because Doorbal buckled Kershaw’s seatbelt before sending him on his way. Even Doyle & Lugo contemplate how dumb Doorbal is after that incident. Lighting the car on fire back fired because Lugo poured all of the gasoline on the exterior of the car and unlike every other movie, it didn’t blow the whole thing sky high. Because Doyle is driving the get away vehicle, Doorbal & Lugo convince him to run him over, twice.

Continue reading

%d bloggers like this: