Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Barbarian Queen (1985)

Barbarian Queen (1985).1

On the Mount Rushmore of old sword and sorcery movies you have anything named Conan, Red Sonya and Marc Singer’s gorgeous blonde bob from Beastmaster. Of course you need four faces; so may I present to you Barbarian Queen. How this isn’t held in the same regard as those other films may have something to do with the fact it is rather terrible. Holy shit this came out in 1985? Incredible, just incredible. While watching this I was convinced this was a late 60’s erly 70’s schlock movie. It make sense now why this was made.You know exactly what you are getting four minute in to this flick as you get, redneck barbarian, titties and a rape of the soon to be queens sister. See, this may be named Queen of the Barbarians but the chick, the late Lana Clarkson,  never marries the king. She isn’t a damn queen. Her village is pillaged and her ceremonial htu is burned to the ground, well, sort of. She really isn’t much of a barbarian as well. But then when compared to the King Aragan she is a rather incredible warrior. This is definitely one of those really bad movies that is absolutely enjoyable to watch. How this isn’t a cult film is beyond me. The production is awful, the sound dub and mix is terrible, the sets are plastic and the story is barely rudimentary. It seems this was more of an excuse to see just how many bare breasts they could expose through the movie. In that regard this movie is a rousing success. -Jeremy

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