Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Lovelace (2013)

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Yeah cool it on the praise.

Lovelace is the story, well stories, of Linda Lovelace; you know, the star of the 70’s porn classic Deepthroat. I will suggest that if you don’t know either the movie or the actress to put your safe search filter to high unless you want a lot of still shots from the movie.  Amanda Seyfried and Peter Sarsgaard carry the bulk of the movie very well as they play, essentially, two totally different people. They play the same people but the change in tone and perspective allowed them both to explore the opposite spectrums of their characters. This is where the movie loses its way. By not choosing one perspective of truth or even mixing the both fact and fiction directors Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman leave it up to the viewer to make their own decisions. What they lost by doing this is the cultural relevance of Linda Lovelace. By concentrating on two narratives there is no clear narrative to be had. Maybe this was intended as Lovelace’s account of her life has been disputed. There is no resonance for what she meant to a culture. They concentrate on Deepthroat’s impact and only give a brief mention to her place in that mini sexual revolution.  There just seems to have been much more potential than what was put on screen.  – Jeremy

Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

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You ever wonder what a year in review show sounds like when the year sucked badly? Is this the worst year ever for wrestling? What does the NFL have to do with it anyway? Why the hell do you fire a coach that goes 10-6 in the regular season? Does the head coach of a team really even matter? Was WrestleMania 11 the worst ever or has it been replaced by this years tepid effort? What the hell was that Christmas edition of RAW? Do children even find that moronic crap entertaining? There is more, oh boy there is more so download and check it out.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

Angelina Love is out of TNA/Impact Wrestling.

According to her Twitter account, Angelina Love is no longer part of TNA or Impact Wrestling. She hasn’t been seen in months after the terribly long, boring and nonsensical storyline of her becoming Winter’s zombie but not totally a zombie.

To all my wonderful fans, just want to let you know I have been granted my release from TNA. It was completely amicable parting of ways and I want to thank TNA and all of its employees for the wonderful journey I’ve had there over the years. Now I’m on to the next amazing chapter of my life! If you are looking to book me please contact John at john@spectacularsignings.com Thank you so much!

This isn’t a terrible loss as it was the first time she was released by TNA due to visa issues. Love was at one point one of their most important stars. Along with Velvet Sky they formed one of TNA’s only in house star making groups. They then proceeded to tear it down and build it up and then tear it down again for no real reason. No one has come out better for it and it dried up a revenue stream for TNA. So congrats to that Dixie.

Anyway, you have to figure she is dropping the porn name and will return to Angel Williams for her independent bookings. Wait, Angel Sky isn’t that bad of a name really but this isn’t Hentai so never mind. -Jeremy

Hulk Hogan sex tape being shopped around to porn labels, he always does this around WrestleMania

We see your underwear! But not for long, brother!

(Author’s note: I am currently on furlough, which means, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this very corporate term, I can’t work for a week, and I also don’t get paid. Jeremy woke me up from my slumber to share this news with me, so I’d like to wish him a happy jump off a bridge.)

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan made a sex tape that is currently being shopped around inside the seedy world of grainy pro wrestling sex tapes. Oh wait, according to TMZ.com, Vivid is a major porn label. I think that’s like making the best hamburger in all of fast food; 10 million people do it, but you’ve managed to draw in enough desperate, confused young men into paying for it.

Anyway, we can think of hundreds of reasons not to watch this video, but here are five great reasons to seek it out as soon as it leaks on YouSendIt:

1) To see if the carpet matches the drapes. That is to say, to see if Hulk shaved his pubes into a fu manchu or even a skullet.
2) To see “unidentified brunette” Koko B. Ware jizz all over Hogan’s “IMMORTAL” back tattoo. Might as well be a bulls-eye.
3) It’s sure to be titled “No Holes Barred.”
4) To hear Hogan call a woman “brother.”
5) To make sure Ultimate Warrior’s sweaty, breathless, expletive-laden review is accurate. -Eric

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 5 – Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out

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(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. Here’s someone who needs all kinds of support: Chyna. The Eighth Wonder of the World? Apparently it’s in her pants, as she continues to make porn. Which, of course, is what cost her a job with TNA. You know that when even TNA turns its nose up at you, you’ve got issues that need to be, um, worked out.)

(Originally posted May 26, 2011) Yowza. According to Prowrestling.net, Chyna has made an “extremely graphic porn” movie called “Backdoor to Chyna,” starring herself and two male leads. Because at this point, the bar for porn is set so high that you absolutely must have three lead actors, or it’s hardly worth stealing from a bit torrent site and eating a bag of Cheetos with your other hand, m i rite? As you may remember, in 2004, Chyna and her then-boyfriend Sean Waltman released a semi-produced sex tape they titled “1 Night in China,” where X-Pac stuck his X-Coc in about any hole he could dig to Chyna. If I recall correctly, a review posted on SomethingAwful.com likened an anal sex scene featuring Chyna’s heavily pimpled ass to “someone shaking a large pepperoni pizza off their arm.” Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it?

This news comes weeks after TNA brought in Chyna to play the part of Kurt Angle’s mistress. Let’s see… bestiality jokes are too easy… clouded judgment due to too many pills, nah… John Piermarini is to Kelly Kelly as Vince Russo is to Chyna? Maybe. Let’s just all agree that it’s good Chyna finally got her act together, until the opportunity to get railed by two guys in front of a camera crew and work out her daddy issues came a-knockin’. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development

Peenclit 2: Electric Boogaloo

Just, oh shit:

The former WWE star, Chyna, is relaunching her porn career with a brand-spankin� new debut. When she approached Vivid demanding a role with the best male stuntcock, Vivid did her one better and gave her the two top male performers in the business. How do you make Chyna better? Team her up with Dylan Ryder and Diana Prince. Tentatively called �Backdoor to Chyna,� this premier represents a whole new side of Chyna as she pushes her boundaries with a scorching anal scene� Enter through the back.

I’m going to go take 832 showers now. – Dusty

Chyna claims TNA won’t bend over backward for her because of new porn

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Yep, TNA has been the cause of all of Chyna's drama.

According to Prowrestling.net, Chyna is claiming that TNA iMPACT Wrestling will not use her if her new porno, “Back Door to Chyna” is released.

“The whole thing has been constant drama,” Chyna told TMZ. “It’s all good in the end. [TNA Wrestling] is missing the boat.”

Yes, the witty Jason Powell already made the obligatory “all good in the end” joke, so why did I even bother to post this? Let’s see, what else can we say… Is the boat TNA is missing a glass bottom boat? If TNA misses the boat, does Chyna still get pulled like a train? If this is constant drama, does that mean it has a better plot than 90 minutes of two hairless men railing one androgynous shit-show? Would Chyna do an actual shit show for $20 and a hot meal? Is all of this making Kurt Angle very, very horny? All of these questions and more on “I Love the ’90s: Hulking Irrelevant Women Edition.” -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11 Week Ending 5/28/11

1. Chyna – The girl is back at it again and backing it up with two gay porn guys. It may not be confirmed her co-stars are gay but have you ever watched porn? No way are those guys straight. No straight male looks at his rod pistoning some sweet vagina and looks disgusted. Sure we have all had our share of pigs but even that is no excuse. – Jeremy

2. Kharma – Sticking with the boot knocking, she is pregnant. It’s not like there is a good time to have a kid but this is a bad time to have a kid. She was getting a mega-push on a national television show. If she was in TNA this would be better news since no one cares about them anyway. – Jeremy

3. Ric Flair – Can he now add fugitive to his long list of accomplishments? He owes money and autographs to HighSpots and that sentence couldn’t be funnier. The man owes signatures, ink from a pen he is holding as payment. The justice system sucks a dick. Unless of course he has to sign with his mouth like he is pushing a wheelchair.-  Jeremy

4. Hulk Hogan – He took his “Hulk Hogan and Friends” tour back on the road, trotting out such Saturday Night’s Main Event-era cronies as Koko B. Ware, Greg Valentine and the Nasty Boys to share stories about how great Hogan, Andre the Giant, Hogan, Macho Man Randy Savage and Hogan are. Did you know Hulk tore up his entire back bodyslamming Andre while fearfully accepting the torch from the angry Giant? I think Pontiac Silverdome’s attendance is up to about seven hundred thousand now. – Eric

5. Eric Bischoff – He and Jason Hervey got a show concept starring Cee-Lo Green, um, green-lit; he was seen with Bill Goldberg, possibly courting him for TNA; and he spoke eloquently on why Ring of Honor’s sale to Sinclair Broadcast Group means next to nothing in the big scheme of things. Say what you will, but he’s a *busy* douchebag. – Eric

6. Carly – My girlfriend and I caught the end of Raw this week, and when she saw Rey Mysterio — black mask, black pants and dark tattoos — standing on the second rope, emotively encouraging the crowd to clap as John Cena crawled to the corner for the hot tag, she glared at the screen, paused for about half a second, then declared, “Fag.” I love her. – Eric

7. Tough Enough – We’re down to three contestants – Jeremiah, who is having problems not killing his opponent in the ring but has the best charisma; Luke, who is cockier than he should be because he’s not that special but his look definitely fits into the WWE; and Andy, who the WWE probably likes because he’s tall and they can probably give him some “vitamins” to become a monster. The finale is on Memorial Day. Too bad that the only star (re)made out of this show will be Steve Austin and possibly Bill DeMott. – Kevin

8. CM Punk – You’ve got to love this guy whether he’s performing in the ring or skewering someone on Twitter (@CMPunk, for us go to @StuntGranny). Though he proclaims to not want to get the cheers of the fans, he clearly does little and big things in the ring to get the cheers. This week, he wore pink trunks and yellow boots (a staple Macho Man color scheme) then went for the top rope elbow. If the WWE doesn’t resign him, I’m sure they’ll keep their same 3 point something rating. – Kevin

9. Jacques Rougeau – Rockin’ the newsreel lately. Peep this:

Jacques Rougeau Jr had his last match last night.

The match was the main event of the long scheduled last show of the Rougeau Gym winter/spring tour in Drummondville, saw 5000 people pack the Marcel Dionne Centre (150000$ gate). Rougeau worked a tag team match with his oldest son Jean-Jacques.

After the match, Rougeau removed his wrestling gear (Pads and boots) and threw them in the crowd. He then said that he still felt good but that at age 50, it was time to go. He said he felt that the Rougeau name would live on forever thanks to his 3 sons (more on that later) and the rest of the roster.

At a press conference after the show, he announced that he would graduate an unprecedented 20 students class in July which will double the roster size of his promotion. He also said he was considering running full-time rather than doing tours, and that he was in discussions with Quebecor about having a weekly TV show on the upcoming TVA Sports channel.

This show was marked by the return of Cedric Rougeau, the 2nd oldest son of Jacques’ who had dissapeared years ago due to “injury”. Cedric had been working matches under a mask with midgets as a kid but towards the end he had gotten too big for midget matches and too small / frail for full-sized matches. Many people had speculated that the “injury” was in fact puberty.

Well, the days of being too small for anything are OVER for Mr. Rougeau: He re-emerged, at 17 years old, as a hulking, muscular, Lesnar-sized 6’7″ behemoth. He will start working regular matches in July. If he can work, and there’s no indications showing me that he can’t, this guy will one day sell out the Bell Centre for Rougeau Gym.

Sunny days ahead for Montreal wrestling!

Here’s a family picture taken last night showing, from left to right: little Emile Rougeau (working midget matches until he gets “injured…” but the “midget” he works with seems to grow up too…they’re both larger than midgets now.), the hulking Cedric Rougeau, the smaller but talented J.J. Rougeau, and papa Jacques.

And then there’s the little matter of this video:

Thanks to Miquelio for that. – Dusty

10. Averno – WWE is playing small ball! Read:

Super Luchas reported on their cover today that Averno will be signing with WWE and most likely dropping his mask to La Mascara at CMLL’s next big show on June 17th.The story claims that he had a tryout match with WWE last fall and did well, but WWE was concerned about his age. However, Sin Cara isn’t getting over like they thought he would feuding with guys like Chavo Guerrero Sr., and so the idea is they need to bring in someone who can work his style and showcase his strengths, which Averno can do. The story claims WWE is looking at two other young CMLL luchadors as well.  
 
I’m not sure in today’s wrestling environment this is the best way to get Sin Cara over. He just needs to fight American professional wrestlers that can actually wrestle, as opposed to Chavo Guerrero. In fact, he’d be better off facing Chavo Classic at this point than Chavo Jr. An extended feud with, say, Evan Bourne could potentially elevate both of them. Obviously that is not in the cards. – Dusty
 
11. Cats are awesome – They fucking are. – Dusty
 

Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out

chyna

Yowza. According to Prowrestling.net, Chyna has made an “extremely graphic porn” movie called “Backdoor to Chyna,” starring herself and two male leads. Because at this point, the bar for porn is set so high that you absolutely must have three lead actors, or it’s hardly worth stealing from a bit torrent site and eating a bag of Cheetos with your other hand, m i rite? As you may remember, in 2004, Chyna and her then-boyfriend Sean Waltman released a semi-produced sex tape they titled “1 Night in China,” where X-Pac stuck his X-Coc in about any hole he could dig to Chyna. If I recall correctly, a review posted on SomethingAwful.com likened an anal sex scene featuring Chyna’s heavily pimpled ass to “someone shaking a large pepperoni pizza off their arm.” Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it?

This news comes weeks after TNA brought in Chyna to play the part of Kurt Angle’s mistress. Let’s see… bestiality jokes are too easy… clouded judgment due to too many pills, nah… John Piermarini is to Kelly Kelly as Vince Russo is to Chyna? Maybe. Let’s just all agree that it’s good Chyna finally got her act together, until the opportunity to get railed by two guys in front of a camera crew and work out her daddy issues came a-knockin’. -Eric

Prepare Dicks For Beating.

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Boy that silly Jason Powell over at Prowrestling.net sure got me to click on this link. Yep, everyone’s favorite walking dead girl is set to appear in yet another home made porn flick. As if seeing two retarded people fucking wasn’t enough the first time around here’s the encore. I don’t get how the press release gets off saying that the first video with Waltman and Chyna even ranked on the charts. Sure it may have sold decent but no way was it a top seller. I say top fifteen at worst. But enough of that, the real news here is that we all get to see Chyna and her baby penis getting hogged by Waltman over and over again. Who doesn’t like watching tranny porn anyway? Man, I would have killed to see a video of this if it was around the time of her Playboy days. She was buff and Playboy airbrushed out all of the rest of her imperfections and made her seem genuinely feminine. Ahh, the good old days of cranking it out and not feeling totally gay afterwards, unlike how I felt after watching the first video. -Jeremy

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