Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Lovelace (2013)

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Yeah cool it on the praise.

Lovelace is the story, well stories, of Linda Lovelace; you know, the star of the 70’s porn classic Deepthroat. I will suggest that if you don’t know either the movie or the actress to put your safe search filter to high unless you want a lot of still shots from the movie.  Amanda Seyfried and Peter Sarsgaard carry the bulk of the movie very well as they play, essentially, two totally different people. They play the same people but the change in tone and perspective allowed them both to explore the opposite spectrums of their characters. This is where the movie loses its way. By not choosing one perspective of truth or even mixing the both fact and fiction directors Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman leave it up to the viewer to make their own decisions. What they lost by doing this is the cultural relevance of Linda Lovelace. By concentrating on two narratives there is no clear narrative to be had. Maybe this was intended as Lovelace’s account of her life has been disputed. There is no resonance for what she meant to a culture. They concentrate on Deepthroat’s impact and only give a brief mention to her place in that mini sexual revolution.  There just seems to have been much more potential than what was put on screen.  – Jeremy

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Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

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You ever wonder what a year in review show sounds like when the year sucked badly? Is this the worst year ever for wrestling? What does the NFL have to do with it anyway? Why the hell do you fire a coach that goes 10-6 in the regular season? Does the head coach of a team really even matter? Was WrestleMania 11 the worst ever or has it been replaced by this years tepid effort? What the hell was that Christmas edition of RAW? Do children even find that moronic crap entertaining? There is more, oh boy there is more so download and check it out.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #212

Angelina Love is out of TNA/Impact Wrestling.

According to her Twitter account, Angelina Love is no longer part of TNA or Impact Wrestling. She hasn’t been seen in months after the terribly long, boring and nonsensical storyline of her becoming Winter’s zombie but not totally a zombie.

To all my wonderful fans, just want to let you know I have been granted my release from TNA. It was completely amicable parting of ways and I want to thank TNA and all of its employees for the wonderful journey I’ve had there over the years. Now I’m on to the next amazing chapter of my life! If you are looking to book me please contact John at john@spectacularsignings.com Thank you so much!

This isn’t a terrible loss as it was the first time she was released by TNA due to visa issues. Love was at one point one of their most important stars. Along with Velvet Sky they formed one of TNA’s only in house star making groups. They then proceeded to tear it down and build it up and then tear it down again for no real reason. No one has come out better for it and it dried up a revenue stream for TNA. So congrats to that Dixie.

Anyway, you have to figure she is dropping the porn name and will return to Angel Williams for her independent bookings. Wait, Angel Sky isn’t that bad of a name really but this isn’t Hentai so never mind. -Jeremy

Hulk Hogan sex tape being shopped around to porn labels, he always does this around WrestleMania

We see your underwear! But not for long, brother!

(Author’s note: I am currently on furlough, which means, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this very corporate term, I can’t work for a week, and I also don’t get paid. Jeremy woke me up from my slumber to share this news with me, so I’d like to wish him a happy jump off a bridge.)

According to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan made a sex tape that is currently being shopped around inside the seedy world of grainy pro wrestling sex tapes. Oh wait, according to TMZ.com, Vivid is a major porn label. I think that’s like making the best hamburger in all of fast food; 10 million people do it, but you’ve managed to draw in enough desperate, confused young men into paying for it.

Anyway, we can think of hundreds of reasons not to watch this video, but here are five great reasons to seek it out as soon as it leaks on YouSendIt:

1) To see if the carpet matches the drapes. That is to say, to see if Hulk shaved his pubes into a fu manchu or even a skullet.
2) To see “unidentified brunette” Koko B. Ware jizz all over Hogan’s “IMMORTAL” back tattoo. Might as well be a bulls-eye.
3) It’s sure to be titled “No Holes Barred.”
4) To hear Hogan call a woman “brother.”
5) To make sure Ultimate Warrior’s sweaty, breathless, expletive-laden review is accurate. -Eric

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 5 – Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out

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(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. Here’s someone who needs all kinds of support: Chyna. The Eighth Wonder of the World? Apparently it’s in her pants, as she continues to make porn. Which, of course, is what cost her a job with TNA. You know that when even TNA turns its nose up at you, you’ve got issues that need to be, um, worked out.)

(Originally posted May 26, 2011) Yowza. According to Prowrestling.net, Chyna has made an “extremely graphic porn” movie called “Backdoor to Chyna,” starring herself and two male leads. Because at this point, the bar for porn is set so high that you absolutely must have three lead actors, or it’s hardly worth stealing from a bit torrent site and eating a bag of Cheetos with your other hand, m i rite? As you may remember, in 2004, Chyna and her then-boyfriend Sean Waltman released a semi-produced sex tape they titled “1 Night in China,” where X-Pac stuck his X-Coc in about any hole he could dig to Chyna. If I recall correctly, a review posted on SomethingAwful.com likened an anal sex scene featuring Chyna’s heavily pimpled ass to “someone shaking a large pepperoni pizza off their arm.” Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it?

This news comes weeks after TNA brought in Chyna to play the part of Kurt Angle’s mistress. Let’s see… bestiality jokes are too easy… clouded judgment due to too many pills, nah… John Piermarini is to Kelly Kelly as Vince Russo is to Chyna? Maybe. Let’s just all agree that it’s good Chyna finally got her act together, until the opportunity to get railed by two guys in front of a camera crew and work out her daddy issues came a-knockin’. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development

Peenclit 2: Electric Boogaloo

Just, oh shit:

The former WWE star, Chyna, is relaunching her porn career with a brand-spankin� new debut. When she approached Vivid demanding a role with the best male stuntcock, Vivid did her one better and gave her the two top male performers in the business. How do you make Chyna better? Team her up with Dylan Ryder and Diana Prince. Tentatively called �Backdoor to Chyna,� this premier represents a whole new side of Chyna as she pushes her boundaries with a scorching anal scene� Enter through the back.

I’m going to go take 832 showers now. – Dusty

Chyna claims TNA won’t bend over backward for her because of new porn

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Yep, TNA has been the cause of all of Chyna's drama.

According to Prowrestling.net, Chyna is claiming that TNA iMPACT Wrestling will not use her if her new porno, “Back Door to Chyna” is released.

“The whole thing has been constant drama,” Chyna told TMZ. “It’s all good in the end. [TNA Wrestling] is missing the boat.”

Yes, the witty Jason Powell already made the obligatory “all good in the end” joke, so why did I even bother to post this? Let’s see, what else can we say… Is the boat TNA is missing a glass bottom boat? If TNA misses the boat, does Chyna still get pulled like a train? If this is constant drama, does that mean it has a better plot than 90 minutes of two hairless men railing one androgynous shit-show? Would Chyna do an actual shit show for $20 and a hot meal? Is all of this making Kurt Angle very, very horny? All of these questions and more on “I Love the ’90s: Hulking Irrelevant Women Edition.” -Eric

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