Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

I'm_ScrewedSo when you consistently do something like this blog, of course you want some level of fame. We have a decent little pocket of fans but it’d be nice to have more. Example of why we’re not going to have more. Jeremy has been texting me about Raw for at least the last month. Every time he asks me if I’ve seen segment X (which is usually at the 9 PM spot). I’ve told him no, I haven’t started yet. So he hits me up about the second interview I recorded last week to make sure he was editing things correctly. We got that cleared up and he asks me “Oh my god please tell me you are up to date on raw.” My answer was “Do you know what the name of my column? Dog walk then starting.” If I can’t get a fellow contributor to know what and how I run my column, what chance do I have roping in more fans? I’m screwed. Oh well, time to do the column any way. Let’s roll.

CM Punk kicks off the show and gets a bigger pop than I remember in a while for him. Ha, glad he steered away from sounding like Mick Foley and said right here…on Raw. By the way, super awesome to be doing this from my rebuilt Mac. Water is half way across the room. Brad Maddox re-appears. Punk busts him for not having an entrance song. Maddox is trying to hold it together and get off his lines. Big E Langston seems to accept Punk’s challenge. Did he get injured? I didn’t miss him. Langston whacks him with the mic. The match starts next!

Big E has the upper hand. JBL starts blowing Big E. He’s got everything except mic skills. Still haven’t seen enough of him in the ring to go one way or the other. Round house kick gets a two count for Punk. Big elbow drop then Punk sets up the GTS. Punk wins with it. Nice of the announcers to mention the Big E/Ryback similarities. Good spot for Big E. He’ll get a chance down the line.

Oh goody, we get Fandango versus Kofi Kingston. I barely pay attention trying to set up other stuff on the refurbished lap top. Kofi with the Trouble in Paradise. I lost everything except the hard drive. Lots of little things to fix. The Wyatt Family visits Kofi. Bray Wyatt wants everyone to fall down one at a time. Kofi doesn’t get beat down.

Holy crap, my boy Dolph Ziggler is on the pre-PPV match. Thanks Jack Swagger. Randy Orton creeps out the Bella Twins. He wants Brie to get married sooner rather than later because of what he will do to Daniel Bryan. Renee Young interviews Paul Heyman. He won’t be bullied by Punk any more. He stresses the us with him & CM Punk holding the title. Heyman has a plan for tonight and dares Punk to try. I haven’t watched any of these Matador vignettes. It’s ridiculous.

Holy shit. The midget has some serious moves. 3MB in the form of Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal are fighting Epico & Primo. As amazing as the little person was, big down grade from Rosa Mendes. (Next Day Edit: Jeremy & I can’t decide if El Torrito is a midget or a child. He looked too proportional to be a little person, right? I’d still rather see Rosa.) I didn’t expect this match to last this long. This is what Jeremy alerted me too. So ridiculous. They went more over the top than Fandango. Wow. Double Samoan Drop for the win. At least it was a team work finisher which is lacking these days.

It's got to be from WWE.com, right not beautifallwallworld.blogspot.com, right?

It’s got to be from WWE.com, right not beautifulwallworld.blogspot.com, right?

HHH & Big Steph come down to the ring first. HHH calls out the Rhodes family. Old school music hits. Condescending Steph is her best version. Condescending HHH is not as good. They acknowledge Dusty’s job with the WWE, I think for the first time. They need to beat Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns at Battle Ground and they have jobs. They all lose their jobs if they lose. Dusty just wants to be in their corner. Steph implies he’ll be beat up. The Shield beats them down. Captain America Believes In The Shield. All but cementing the Rhodeses return.

R Truth is taking on Curtis Axel for some reason. It’s actually a good match. Axel gets to learn from a vet who has some credibility with the crowd. I liked the modified Stunner from Truth. This crowd has been quite lively tonight. Punk’s music distracts Axel. R Truth hits Pay Dirt for the win. Heyman starts laughing realizing he got caught.

They give us a Total Divas review on Brie Bella & Daniel Bryan. The lady and I watched the mid-season finale last night. Column will be up tomorrow some time. Alicia Fox is taking on Brie with Nikki. The crowd is even behind Brie. Face buster for the win. Were they setting up dissension between the twins earlier? (Next Day Edit: Brie said something about being excited for winning the title then Nikki said something about “us” winning the title. Skinny sister vs Fat sister, I can’t wait!)

Curtis Axel is clutching his Intercontinental Title. Paul Heyman calms him down. Ryback comes in. He’s ready to give Punk what he wants. Heyman has a new outlook on life. Paul’s going to propose to Ryback. It’s too put on for me to ask the obvious. Renee Young gets to ask Big Show about his Smackdown appearance. HHH got to toss him a punk card. Big Show busts out the Damocles Sword reference. Big Show says he’s going to knock HHH out. I’m sure you won’t.

In case you were wondering about Damocles Sword.

In case you were wondering about Damocles Sword.

R Truth is talking to Brad Maddox about the IC Title. Big Show comes in and Truth does the smart thing and bolts. Show picks up Brad by the face. That looked scary. Okay, I understand the breast cancer thing but it’s completely ridiculous when the heels do it. Alberto Del Rio offended me. He gets to beat Zack Ryder. Has he made it on TV for a month straight now? Ryder bites it on a sling shot splash. He’s looked stronger than any of his other matches. I never expected him to be champ but he’s a useable wrestler at a minimum. Double stomp by Del Rio on Ryder. Cross Arm Breaker for the win. That was a quick turn around.

I have never noticed Ryback‘s song is “Meat On The Table.” Hilarious title. Paul Heyman gets to complain about Punk being a bully. They decide to get creepy as Ryback pats his cheek. Heyman has felt liberated since he met Ryback. Heyman wants to make an honest man out of Ryback. Paul drops to a knee and grabs Ryback’s hand. The crowd chanting “No!” is a riot. He asks him if he’ll become a “Paul Heyman guy”. Everyone groans because no one expected a real proposal. Ryback Mountain line by Lawler. Nice work. CM Punk “hurts” himself jumping the barricade. Ryback & Heyman stay in the ring. Punk tries to get in the ring. Punk pulls a kendo stick from under the ring and attacks Heyman & Ryback. Axel gets a beating too. Even steven booking says he loses at the PPV.

Dolph Ziggler waits for his team mates, the Usos. They’re taking on The Shield. Hey, didn’t the Usos just win the #1 Contendership last week? Why did it take me this long to remember this? Shouldn’t they be pissed that the Rhodes Family is swiping their spot. Mitchell Cool gets to explain Dusty Rhodes’s job a little more. Why did the Shield hold on to Jimmy Uso? Dumb bells. Dive over the top rope second week running. If you keep showing the break footage from the app, I will continue to not download it. They only show it for matches which would be the only time I’d pay attention anyway. Reigns over shoots Jimmy. Super kick gets him space. Dolph gets the hot tag. He’s in against Ambrose again. Fame asser but Reigns breaks it up. Reigns with a spear on Ziggler for the win. The ref mentioned the tag before Ziggler got belted. Big Show is still in HHH’s office.

Big Show is still there. Police come. He’s been threatening a WWE employee. Big Steph talks the cops back. Steph also says that Big Show hasn’t been measuring up to his wife’s expectations either. Weird story line. Big Show angry at HHH poster. I hope Big Show knows how to patch drywall. Renee Young interviews RVD. We get more Youtube videos. I agree with the No. 1 pick. He got some killer distance on that. About what you expect RVD in the promo department. (Next Day Note: 3 appearances by the backstage interviewer is a lot, right? Seems like more than normal to me. I guess she’s more camera ready than Josh Matthews.)

I have no idea why this was under "Damocles Sword" search. Enjoy it anyway from bikernet.com

I have no idea why this was under “Damocles Sword” search. Enjoy it anyway from bikernet.com

Santino Marella & The Great Khali are taking on, oh no, it’s a singles match. Santino againts Antonio Cesaro of the Real Americans. They show the great swing. Santino goes for the Cobra. Cesaro does the swing again. He’s found his gimmick for TV time that used to be his gimmick in ROH. Santino Judo rolls him for the win. Zeb Colter’s disappointing face needs to be posted by now. (Next Day Note: I checked Google to no avail.)

Jerry Lawler invites Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton down to the ring. Orton gets to rehash his change in attitude. Bryan wants Orton to know that he’s never needed anyone’s motivation to become the best. He’s made himself the best. Orton ends up beating down Bryan. Brie Bella comes out for the save when Orton goes for the hanging DDT. Orton still drops him. Drama! Orton tears apart the announcers table. RKO as if the table somehow makes that worse. Brie yells at Orton. So Bryan wins the belt then? That makes no sense. – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Brad-Pitt-fight-club-body

I was a lazy ass for the site for this past week. I’ll home that trend doesn’t continue. I’m bummed that I didn’t get to my Guinness post for St. Patrick’s Day. That still may be coming. I still have to review the 6 beers I had in Nashville that are all brewed in the fine state of Tennessee. I only have one game to attend this week so I’ll hope to get typing more. Let’s roll.

John Cena comes out in black & gold in Pittsburgh to try and get a better crowd reaction. It doesn’t help. His promo doesn’t have Wrestlemania Main Event written anywhere near it. Glad John passed by the Pirates. They have a great history, just not a recent one. This skit is leading to a squash match. Woof. I like the Prime Time Players most of the time. This one was a terrible effort at an inopportune time. This squash match even gets a commercial break. Just wow. Forget what I said two weeks ago about the WWE writers waking up. Five Knuckle Shuffle & AA finishes the match after the break. Recap of Smackdown with Mark Henry, Ryback & the Shield. That was the next break.

David Otunga is fodder for Ryback. The crowd finally gets to the chanting for the clothesline. Shell shock. I’m glad he’s addressing Mark Henry. Vickie makes their match for Wrestlemania. I guess SD has a story line for this week. Granted, everyone knows that the Big Show is going to be the other partner. I was scratching my head watching SD.

Holy cow, another Smackdown recap. They are loving the Fandango. The Great Khali is coming down to the ring for some reason. Fandango wants Natalya to take a crack at his name. He’s going into a Brian Fantana/Ron Burgundy territory hitting on her. I wonder if he’s going to have the parquet by the time they hit Cbus in late April.

I’m kind of digging the R Truth wife beater. The whole outfit is a bit much. Damien Sandow is a good foil for him. I liked both of their promos more than Cena’s. Sandow saves himself by rolling out of the ring and getting counted out. Am I smelling a Rhodes Scholars vs R Truth & Kofi Kingston at Wrestlemania? Kaitlyn interrupts the Bellas who are fawning over Cody‘s mustache. I think I smell a Diva’s Title match too. Rhodes should drop the Bellas. Not even a contest.

Undertaker allows me time to catch up. Undertaker is short and to the point. CM Punk playing with the urn is awesome. I’ve loved his switch in focus away from the title reign length. Good stuff but not much to it.

Daniel Bryan & Kane are taking on Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo. Mitchell Cool said that the mask hides Kane’s expressions. I guess he’s missed every single skit with these two since they’ve been together. Kane looks like he’s going to finish off Primo when AJ Lee skips around the ring. Epico takes the loss instead. Big E Langston & Ziggler vs these two for the titles at WM? Chris Jericho is proud of his Intercontinental Championship total. He’s interrupted by Fandango. Silly Jericho has been in full effect since his babyface turn. He’s not all that funny in this mode.

My mutt Kia can’t decide where to sleep tonight. She just took my spot on the couch. I skip over Alberto Del Rio‘s introduction. At least he has stopped using the car entrance. Cody Rhodes gets to lose to him.  The old shoulder into the post trick gets Rhodes his save face offense. Scratch on that. We do get a commercial break. The live crowd got to see most of Cody’s offense. Mitchell Cool explaining the Cross Arm Breaker like it was a complicated concept was really weird. A part of the crowd starts chanting “USA!” Cody Rhodes taps out. Jack Swagger ambushes Del Rio again. What a fall by Rodriguez. Looked like he rolled thru fairly well though. Zeb Colter gets to back up so that Swagger can save him. Good sell job by Ricardo too.

Booker T is going into the Hall of Fame. Good for him. I would have expected him to get the nod when they go to Texas again.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

San Jose at CBJ

Time to motor thru an episode of Raw. I’ll fill in the amusing details of the Columbus Blue Jackets experience later.

Paul Heyman gets to pontificate to start the show. After a recap of course. He is doing a great job of selling himself as the victim. CM Punk wants things to go back to normal. Heyman mouthing “Thank you God” is hilarious. My girl disagrees. I thought they both solid the sickening love-fest well.

The Great Khali gets to lose to Mark Henry for the I don’t know how many-eth time. The girl starts the hate on Henry because he has small eyeballs. World’s Strongest Slam. Henry stalks Hornswoggle. The crowd chants “One more time” as Lawler complains.

Booker T & Teddy Long are trying to talk jive when Chris Jericho arrives. Y2J wants in the Chamber. He has to beat someone who is in the Chamber already. He has to beat Daniel Bryan. Booker tries not to laugh at Jericho. We get our GM fill with Vickie Guerrero. Paul Heyman wants time. He gets speaker phone time with Vince. They go with the DQ title change over stipulation. Seems like a good bickering point when Punk loses. I look up this video because of “The Dazzler” signs in the crowd.

Chris Jericho is out after the break. Bryan is starting to look really weird. The wet hair is a special odd ball touch. Fun match until the break. No surprise out of these two. This match has show cased Bryan as much as any recent match. Nice reversal into the No Lock. Sort of. Code Breaker. Jericho is in the Chamber. Fun match. I’d love to see them in a longer match.

Ryback, Sheamus & John Cena get to decimate 3MB. Sometimes it’s hard to believe Drew McIntyre was anointed by Vince about the same time Sheamus broke in. Triple finisher. I want to puke. Triple promo. Double puke. Alex Riley & Yoshi Tatsu get camera time just to get beat up by Big Show. Congrats guys.

The Big Show knocks out Matt Striker to start the interview. Then says nothing. Interesting.

Jack Swagger gets a manager. Zeb Colter is his name. I think. Zack Ryder gets to lose to him. Patriot Act. Snooze. Rinse, repeat. Take your choice. Swagger introduces Colter. He gives the standard “We hate the foreigners” trope. Booker T puts Swagger in the Elimination Chamber. Dolph Ziggler shows off his briefcase. He wants in the Chamber. Big E Langston speaks up. Booker T has an opponent in mind. It’s Kane.

Cody Rhodes gets downgraded already by getting to lose to the Miz while Antonio Cesaro is in the booth. The Miz attacks Cesaro so they won’t sacrifice Cody. Nice choice. The Miz swinging was a nice touch by Cesaro.

Brodus Clay & Tensai are still teaming. Only way to be a good tag team now, odd couple. I wish Rosa Mendes was dancing. Epico & Primo are getting rag dolled. Tensai splash for the win. The Funkettes take out Rosa Mendes. The flip over the top ropes was pretty sweet.

Dean Ambrose starts off the talking for the Shield. They all get their turns. They make a threat. The faces wait it out and turn out the lights. I have no idea how any one of the Shield wins at EC. They’ve had their asses handed to them in any even handed situation for their whole run.

Damien Sandow gets the mic. He runs down country music in a much more high brow manner than anyone ever. I do feel welcome. Alberto Del Rio is his opponent. Wow, Sandow dropped that elbow way too early. This match is ending with a quickness. Cross arm breaker. At least Cody got protected with a DQ. Wade Barrett gets attacked by Bo Dallas as he goes to the ring for a match.

Kofi Kingston is Barrett’s opponent. Barrett uses the old Fit Finlay apron trick. Wow, it knocked out Kingston. Oh, it was the Bull Hammer Elbow. Makes more sense.

I’m finally at Kane versus Dolph Ziggler. It should be the other match worth watching on this ridiculously long show. Snooze city before the break. Big E tries to intimidate Kane. It buys Ziggler time. Kane choke slams Ziggler even after AJ’s distraction. Ziggler is looking like such a tool these days. I just don’t get it.

The Rock starts talking at 11 PM. I only tape until 11:10. I could miss the ending. The Rock goes story time. CM Punk interrupts. The ladies love a shirtless Rock. Heyman trips the Rock. Punk nails the GTS. Hey, a heel got over going into a PPV. They got something right. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

office-christmas-party-rules

What a strange start to the evening. I’m not even talking about watching American Horror Story: Asylum. I’ll get into that later. Maybe. I’m being told about the shenanigans at my girl’s office party. That’s going to be a blast on Friday.

The intro reminded me of a problem the WWE has, technology isn’t always your friend. The videos from the Shield are too crisp. A promotion like Prime Wrestling, though less advanced in technology department, lends itself to this type of video. Krimson has been the king of them. They look gritty and real. The Shield’s videos, again, are nicely produced and use the static photoshop function. It’s like a high tech Instagram. Dolph Ziggler gets to start the show. Nice. He cuts a solid promo. Sheamus gets to throw some jabs at him. I like the new shirt but I have a column up my sleeve talking about t shirt differences with other companies. The Big Show gets to warn Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler. Sheamus dumps Ziggler to the outside to end things. About par for the course for my boy. No respect.

Antonio Cesaro & Kofi Kingston are at the announce desk with Wade Barrett when Vince McMahon comes out to cut a promo. What the fuck is going on? Are those three gentlemen supposed to get a rub? My woman is on to Vickie Guerrero’s wardrobe again. She’s pretty sure she only wears one pair of shoes. I think we missed Vickie being given a match against AJ Lee later in the night. R Truth comes out after that frankenpromo. I’m not sure what happened to Kofi’s mic skills. Cesaro isn’t any better behind the headset. Barrett loses to R Truth with a roll up. I want toss my computer. Why are you doing that to Barrett?

AJ Lee is excited backstage. She even hugs Kaitlyn. AJ walks into the men’s locker room. This could be the funniest thing John Cena has ever done. The Prime Time Players, Epico & Primo and the Usos are in the ring while Cody Rhodes comes to the ring with a pedo mustache. The two teams no one cares about start the thing. Mitchell Cool ripping Lawler for the reused jokes. Awesome. Primo gets pinned. No one cares that a commercial is happening.

Jey Uso is working over Damien Sandow. I’ve been surprised, holy shit, they beat the PTP during the commercial break? I was talking about the Usos. They do get an oddly good reaction as I noted in my live report. The third frog splash gets the knees. Cody with the Cross Rhodes. The right team won.

Alicia Fox is wearing a Marines inspired outfit. First time I’ve taken note of her in a while. Eve Torres is her opponent because they’ve got no idea what to do with the Diva’s Division. Why did Eve kick out after faking the injury? Alicia looking awfully strong. Eve with the neck breaker. Snooze. She’s posing over Alicia Fox. OK, kind of funny.

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Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

The picture above is the state of my cable presently. It decided that USA HD wasn’t worth taping either. I turned over just in time to see Randy Orton get the first fall against Alberto Del Rio. He’s burned thru every other possible PPV opponent on TV so why not restart with Del Rio? Dear lord. My cable company isn’t answering their phones either right now. It’s fabulous. Randy Orton wins the third fall. They both continue to tread water. I’m guessing I didn’t miss a whole lot in the first 1:15. I feel better about having watched The Walking Dead instead of checking to see if Raw was recording. Replays are finally worth watching. My girl thinks it quite gross to see John Cena kiss AJ Lee. She’s still doesn’t think it’s a kid’s angle appropriate for PG programming. I am unconvincing.

For some reason, we have a Great Khali vs Epico & Primo match. Hornswoggle is hitting on Rosa at ring side. Hornie has trick flowers. Khali wins. No one cares about anyone involved. Paul Heyman wants balloons. Yikes. Really glad I missed the beginning.

The Miz tries to get his babyface turn off the launch pad with his third Ohio date in seven days against David Otunga. I’m digging Otunga on the offense. I’m still perplexed as to how his mic skills are his worst part of his persona now. Lawler tries to sell Miz because he’s left handed. You could have done more to help out King. Skull Crushing Finale for the win. The WWE shows why I shouldn’t purchase a PPV because they show end of the Big Show vs Sheamus.

More replays fill me in. They’ve given Ryback an extension of this feud with CM Punk by way laying him with three nobodies. Sheamus gets to talk before his match. The crowd is giving him the “What?” treatment. Weird. Don’t fans normally reserve that for heels? Big Show hobbles out to the ramp. Wow, Sheamus gets accused of being barbaric. Both sides seemed wrong. Sheamus is bitching about what a heel did. Show sounds like a giant sissy for calling someone barbaric. Aren’t you building him up as a bad ass? Damien Sandow comes down for his arse kicking. Why is Lawler excited about the Punk celebration? Shouldn’t he be mad at him for being a braggart? I don’t think I’m missing anything. A beard tossing takes us to commercial.

Sandow is in control after the break. My girl is telling me a ridiculous story. I’m so not paying attention to this match. White Noise looks more harmful than Shell Shock. Brogue Kick. Tamina is talking to Vickie Guerrero. AJ comes in to talk to her. Vickie is supposed to be evil. I’m just not buying it.

Layla tells AJ it’s not worth it. AJ storms into the men’s locker room. For some reason everyone is in one room. She confronts my boy Dolph Ziggler. She is a shell of a woman. He’s a dick. Him, I’m buying. She attacks him. Cena makes the save. Ziggler plows Cena thru some obviously weakened partitions.

What the hell, there’s a trainers office? I’m digging the background action. Just looks like people working somewhere. Titus O’Neil and Darren Young get some mic time. We have a cavalcade of entrances with Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan and Kane. Oh, it’s a traditional tag team match. I figured we’d be having another 8 man tag match. O’Neil is taking up air time but I’m not digging it. Commercial break. O’Neil calls Lawler “Old School” after a wash rag comment. You’ve just made a dozen heart attack jokes. Yes, he’s old. He had a god damn heart attack. Listen to yourself. King is having fun giving a hard time to these guys. O’Neil & Young end up attacking Kane. Sin Cara makes the save. Double 619. People are loving a three peat. Fitting end for PTP. Paul Heyman is talking up the party for CM Punk, to Punk himself. Punk is giddy.

Paul Heyman gets to give the big intro. Punk is going with a self serving promo. It’s not bad but he’s not reeling me in either. Ryback interrupts but gets attacked by Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Punk saunters over to Ryback and raises his arms in victory. Best part of his promo.  -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed REview of @WWE #Raw

I’m an idiot for making plans to go to Raw while the Steelers play on Monday Night. They should slap around the Chiefs but I thought that about the Raiders & Titans. At least I get the returning of Jerry Lawler. Thank goodness I don’t get to hear that disaster.

The Miz tells Paul Heyman that him and Punk are full of crap. The Miz quits the team. Interesting start to the show.

R Truth just cut his best promo since the invention of Little Jimmy on Tout. They’re starting off with a six man tag match with no one important. Another interesting choice. Sin Cara starts off against Antonio Cesaro. I’m not happy about Rey Mysterio wearing the Frankenmask. Nothing happens before the first commercial break. At least they’re consistent about something. Mysterio getting the job of selling since Sin Cara can’t get that right either. R Truth gets the luke warm tag against Cesaro. Fun jaw jacker from Truth. A 619 by Rey puts Truth in position to give Cesaro the Downward Spiral for the win. They are really forcing that rivalry. It’s a nice stepping stone for Cesaro.

We get Vickie Guerrero and John Cena recap. Why are Jim Ross and Mitchell Cool wearing the same suit? Why is Jack Swagger in the crowd? My girl makes a good point in saying that a PG show shouldn’t be having a slutty storyline. For some reason the English crowd is eating up the bad Cena jokes. AJ goes into a door. This hotel has more security cameras than your average hotel. AJ is back stage somewhere because she will give Vickie the beating of her life. My boy Dolph Ziggler knows what AJ loves to do. For some reason, Cena chases after them. This storyline does feel like the AJ baby momma drama without the baby.

Paul Heyman is talking to Wade Barrett about joining Team Punk. Barrett doesn’t trust him. But Heyman is going to owe him one. The crowd is bonkers for Team Hell No. Daniel Bryan is wrestling Cody Rhodes. I’m tired of noting the people who do and don’t have entrances. They don’t give a care about the in ring product. The match length confirms it. Two guys who can go get three minutes at most. Rhodes with Cross Rhodes for the win. Rhodes runs his mouth after the match. They go to commercial as they tease a Kane vs Damien Sandow.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I don’t have an idea for my introduction so piss off. Let’s roll.

John Cena comes out to a big ovation. You can still telling he’s favoring the right elbow. We got a three man booth of JBL, Mitchell Cool and Jim Ross. I think I can handle that. Cena shouldn’t be allowed out to babble. That guy has more focus problems than someone with ADHD. The crowd is moving over to more boos for CM Punk. The male demo is still trying. Most of us are choosing intelligently to leave. I’m obviously not intelligent. Ryback comes up after Cena wraps up. Wow, why is he wrestling Rosa Mendes with Epico & Primo? The WWE is rebuilding the tag team division now they’re going to crap on it. At least the WWE is consistent with something. Ryback wins by gently laying down E&P on their backs. Shell Shock is not a good name for that finisher.

Brodus Clay gets his full entrance but has been downgraded to wearing WWE paraphernalia. He’s wrestling R Truth. The segment Jeremy texted me better make up for this train wreck. Vince McMahon shows up to boot them from the ring. That is how desperate they are to fill time.

I blow thru Vince McMahon‘s entrance. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Vince introduces CM Punk perfectly by saying the action mattered which obviously got my reaction. I’m glad Vince told Punk that’s an ugly shirt. He finally whiffed on one shirt. The announcers have done a piss poor job of filling in the fact that Punk didn’t really win against Cena the last time. The fact that people are turning on Punk as much as they are is a testament to the quality of work he’s doing. The internet just wet himself again with the mention of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. Vince sold that slap a bit more than he needed to. Ah, the firing is too good for you. I hate that logic. It should be a fun match between them. Not sold on Jeremy’s fanboy alert even though it was a really good segment.

JBL is quite the salesman. Arnold Schwarzenegger is everywhere these days. The Prime Time Players are in the ring when Rey Mysterio gets introduced. Sin Cara is going to get his own entrance. Shouldn’t you just intro both of them as teams? The half mask deal that Rey & Sin Cara are wearing look stupid. Young starts against Sin Cara. Nothing happens before the break. Rey looked at Titus as he came in and did nothing about it other than allowing Titus to break up the pin. Rey gets the pin after the 619 & Dropping The Dime. Good choice name wise but I like PTP better. Sin Cara is slowly getting better but still has a way to go. Paul Heyman tells Punk it’s a must lose situation. Punk, listen to your man. He didn’t say you can’t win. Heyman said if you win, your life will be a pain in the ass.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

We had a great time in Des Moines Iowa this past weekend. If you didn’t pay attention to @difrango11 (or my Instagram), @GrannyMaes (or his Instagram) or @Stuntgranny, you missed out on the proceedings. There are too many to mention but one place certainly deserves it, Fong’s Pizza. The four out of staters at the wedding decided to start drinking at 2:00 PM on Friday. After two great pizzas (I suggest the Thai Chicken) and four drinks each, we walked to Pappajohn Sculpture Park. This is our homage to Eric’s proposal spot to Carly. Congrats to the newlyweds who are chilling in Jamaica and not watching Raw. That’s what I get to do now. Whooppee. Let’s roll.

Jim Ross is in Oklahoma City. I can’t wait for Vince McMahon to “embarrass” him segment. They can drag it out even longer than normal now that they have three hours of programming. I typed that even before Mitchell Cool mentioned that it was JR Appreciation Night. CM Punk gets to overuse disrespect. The fans actually are booing. The turn might be working. Paul Heyman unintentionally gets interrupted by AJ Lee‘s music. Again, the board would have to be as dumb as a box of rocks to appoint Heyman as GM. Vickie Guerrero (& Dolph Ziggler) get to make her case for GM. Ziggles gets to grab the mic and suggests Heyman & Vickie as co-GMs. AJ finally gets to come out. Why do Dolph & AJ have the same shoes? Oh, this is going to be so funny that Daniel Bryan is her executive coach. (Please know that dose of sarcasm is as large as Eric’s mistake.)  Kane gets to make this a real three ring circus. We’ve got our tag team “main event” at one of the hour breaks. I expected the therapist to be named as her counselor.

Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio are taking on Primo & Epico with the fine Rosa Mendes. There is not a chance in hell I’m going to watch Ion TV to watch Main Event. This three hour slab is more than enough. The Prime Time Players come out to signal the commercial break. Jim Ross defending Michael Cole on his blog is pure JR at this point. He tries to stay balanced but you’d love to know his real opinion. I’m glad Cole is organized and I understand he may have more plugs to get out but he’s still terrible at the rest of the job. Rey gets the pin with the dropping of the dime.

Antonio Cesaro is not getting over with speaking five languages. He’s taking on the quickly fading Brodus Clay, who is also stuck in a dated gimmick. I may have loved it at first but he needed to advance. Holy cow. Neutralizer by Cesaro for a very quick win. He looked better than barely beating Santino on Smackdown. AJ‘s life coach is different than Kane & Bryan’s. They have more people on the roster who they’re not putting on TV. Jumpin’ Jimminy. AJ asks Kaitlyn’s boobs for forgiveness then laughs at her and takes it back. Um, OK. Another great use of time. Ha, Sheamus vs CM Punk is supposed to hook me for Ion. Go fuck yourselves.

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Alex Shelley Signs With The WWE. Is Something More In Store?

Over the weekend, Prowrestling.net reported that Alex Shelley was signed by WWE. They thought this would open the door for the WWE to sign other TNA talent such as Matt Morgan who has burned through his dates in TNA and is currently sitting out. That part could be true but there may be something else afoot.

According to my sources though, the WWE is preparing itself to start a cruiser weight program when or if the WWE Network ever gets off the ground. It would explain the alleged signing of Johnny Gargano back in July. The only problem with this theory is that the WWE still doesn’t have a cable carrier for it or a launch date since they pushed it back on April 1st. In fact a WWE Network hasn’t been mentioned at all.

The same sources named another possible addition to the cruiser weight roster and one who is familiar to WWE Tough Enough, Matt Cross. He’d have a built in story line to start off the programming. The WWE could further cherry pick from PRIME Wrestling and nab Bobby Beverly, Bobby Shields and Louis Lyndon. Those three would need some work but the WWE doesn’t have enough talent for that type of division.

In house, they could move Cody Rhodes to a cruiser weights because they’re lost on what to do with him right now. He could even drag along his current feud, Sin Cara. Please, we’re begging you to get him, his mood lighting and his slightly less botch-tacular move set off of our televisions. His former body double, Hunico, could use more TV time too. Just to single out all of the Latino wrestlers all at one time like any good WWE writer, Epico & Primo along with the lovely Rosa Mendes would be fine additions. Yoshi Tatsu could add another level of xenophobia to the division so it isn’t taken up by those dirty Mexicans. Evan Bourne, if he could stop smoking pot like he’s Kevin Smith, could be a force in the division. Justin Gabriel and Michael McGillicutty are the forgotten members of Nexus but they’d fit into the division too. Tyson Kidd got a push for a hot second when the Money In The Bank PPV came around but he could move up a couple of rungs (Wokka wokka) in this type of environment.

Do I trust the WWE to do this much thinking about their programming? Not for a split second. I’d feel great for the hard working guys, especially the ones from PRIME Wrestling, to get some extra exposure and hopefully money that they deserve working for the WWE. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

My girlfriend’s present for her birthday was to not watch wrestling tonight. We had a great time eating dinner at Betty’s and then grabbing ice cream at Jeni’s. It’s put me behind the eight ball especially since I was a dumb ass and didn’t pawn this column off on someone else. Because it’s still the most important show in wrestling, despite it’s consistently poor quality, I think we need to cover it. 3 hours and 5 minutes of fun to come starting at midnight. Good thing I pulled a lot of all nighters when I was in Architecture School at Kent State. Let’s roll.

AJ Lee comes out and announces some big matches for the show. I’m plowing thru this episode so entrances are so getting the FF button. CM Punk interrupts her after the first FF of the night. Punk tries to weasel out of the triple threat match but it doesn’t work. John Cena hasn’t been in an opening segment in weeks so he comes out. I just noticed Punk went to the Lemmy look. It works better for HHH. I like recitation of facts. (Sarcasm central). Cena saying the champ doesn’t win in triple threat matches is the biggest gaffe of them all. Then of course Punk feeds AJ for his match of the night so we can close this segment out. Our choices suck. Thanks for showing up Big Show.

Shock of all shocks, Rey Mysterio won the vote. The popular guy won! (I’m getting the feeling this column will be sarcasm heavy. Maybe I’ll stop pointing it out.) Another surprise, nothing happens in the match before the commercial break. I do like the way these guys work together though. Hell of a feud. Oh my lord Lawler, Mitchell Cool makes a ludicrous statement about AJ Lee taking out her wrath on Punk and you sit there like a lump on a log then agree with him, sort of. Disagree with him for fucks sake. Point out that CM Punk interfered in the match to determine the number one contender. It’s not hard. Punk wins with the GTS. Nice. The WWE did pick good opponents for everyone except Big Show. Orton can’t lose this early in his return. Ricardo Rodriguez outshines Alberto Del Rio again. Too bad he can’t wrestle. Or isn’t in shape.

I’m digging the Fight Club remake of Wade Barrett. Fits into his previous stories too. Why is every wrestler dumber than a box of rocks these days? Alberto gets himself in trouble and booked for a match.

Christian gets to job to Alberto. Nice touch of having Del Rio dress and tape on the way to the ring. Sheamus has a head injury. Lawler is even mailing it in with his friends. No personal congratulations for Booker T yet. Sent him a text at least. Ricardo distracts the ref, Alberto nails Christian with the boot for the win. Ricardo left the keys for Sheamus to steal the car. I can’t wait for the visit around San Antonio. (Last hint of sarcasm.) Ha.

Big Show against Randy Orton kicks off the 9 o’clock segment. So, what’s the old mid-main event? Or is the Cena match in that slot with an unknown main event? Stay tuned for too long. Double count out. Just like any decent fan would have expected. Big Show misses the WMD which allows the Viper to strike. Yep, I see that guy winning the title at the next pay per view. (I fucking told you no more hints.)

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