Poor Joe Henning

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Poor Joe Hennig now holds the honor of having the two worst ring names in pro wrestling history. Curt Axel is slightly less ridiculous than Michael McGillicutty, but holy crap, just the same.

Is it so wrong to acknowledge and borrow from and steal from the past? Why not have him be all, my father was Mr. Perfect, and perfection runs through my veins. Everything I’ve ever done in life, school, athletics, girls, you know it, and it’s all come easy to me. So the competition in the WWE? I don’t sweat that at all. And give him a nickname that suggests or hints at Perfection? What the fuck is wrong with that?

And Ted DiBiase Jr. Why not have him be all, I can take money out of my dad’s account any time I want. I could buy this whole arena if I felt like it. Spoiled rich kid trying to live up to his dad’s reputation. Give him a fucking bodyguard. What else is Ezekiel doing with his life these days?

Is any of this bad? Is it bad because it’s unoriginal? I would argue that it’s at least better than this awful, awful trend of bad names and one note gimmicks. If a little girl happened upon WWE programming, she would probably think Dolph Ziggler calls himself because he likes dolphins. This has to fucking stop. -Dusty

Stunt Granny Poll: What wrestler are you most embarrassed to admit you once cheered for?

We sometimes pull out old VHS tapes or DVDs of past wrestling cards, and as we all know, pulling out never works. We’re often embarrassed watching the colorful characters of yesteryear uncharismatically shuffle around our 19-inch TV sets, our thumbs on the “stop” button in case someone comes into the room. Who are you most embarrassed to admit you cheered like a wildman for back in the day? We have a list above, but of course pro wrestling has brought us some of the most poorly thought-out ideas in entertainment, so the list could go on and on like Chris Jericho’s 1,004 holds. Let us know what you think!

Perry Saturn to wrestle in Des Moines, Iowa, says guy in South Carolina

"Hi."

I’m glad Jeremy brought this to my attention, because it resurrected an old post that I never published:

For the first time in a quarter-century, the NWA Championship will be defended in Des Moines, Iowa, as 3XWrestling brings “Scrap Iron” Adam Pearce back to town to defend his belt against “The Rebel” Jeremy Wyatt at Baratta’s Forte Ballroom. Tickets are $15 at the door, and the show begins at 7:30 p.m. I would have posted this news earlier, but even though I’m one of the biggest wrestling fans in this town, I didn’t even know about the show until right this instant. Bring the kids! -Eric

That was, like, three weeks ago. This time, it took Jeremy, who lives in Greenville, S.C., to alert me to (according to Gerweck.net) Perry Saturn wrestling in my hometown. Saturn lives within about 150 miles of here – I’m thinking Mason City, Ia., or Albert Lea, Minn., but don’t care enough to Google it – and has wrestled in Iowa within the past eight years – whenever he wasn’t missing, homeless, dead or playing the third Ultimate Warrior. I’m not shocked to see him – and I’m excited as hell that his opponent is my boy Gage Octane – but I will be shocked when I see the 3XW TV commercial running on the lower-rung digital cable channel at 3 a.m. while I’m trying to enjoy “House Hunters” reruns. -Eric

Headlines: Chris Bosh loves pro wrestling, Hulk Hogan’s midget show debuts tonight

"I wanted to play basketball... *sigh*"

Not to distract from Matt Hardy’s failure of a life, but… Miami Heat forward Chris Bosh was on ESPN’s “Mike and Mike in the Morning” today discussing the NBA lockout, and the guys asked Bosh about the celebration when LeBron James announces his signing with the Heat, alongside Bosh and Dwayne Wade. He said he loved it because:

I grew up watching wrestling, I grew up watching Hulk Hogan.

That’s all well and good, but why is it that when I typed “chris bosh” into Google, the first suggested result was “chris bosh gay”? I’m positive the two things have nothing to do with each other.

In related news, according to Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan’s Micro Championship Wrestling makes its debut tonight at 9 p.m. central on TruTV. Hogan is the celebrity of the Eric Bischoff/Jason Hervey-produced show, which makes sense, because no one knows the real names of even the most famous midgets (Mini Me, Tattoo, that guy from “Elf” who’s not believable in those dramatic movies, and that little creep from “Body Slam“). I’m sure midgets around the world are thrilled that, after years of trying to overcome the term “midget” and replace it with “little person,” Hulk Hogan has put his stamp of approval on the word “micro.” They’d probably start a write-in campaign, but they’re too short to reach the mail slot. (TM Bobby Heenan) -Eric

Grantland.com continues coverage of CM Punk-John Cena-Vince McMahon storyline

cm punk

Everybody Loves CM Punk

For those of you who aren’t wised up to Grantland.com yet, well, you better get smart, buddy! Created by Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 fame, Grantland.com is a great time-killer with some fine long-form column writing by prosiasts such as Chuck Klosterman, Andy Greenwald, and David Shoemaker, who fancies himself the professional wrestling expert of the site (this inclusion should come as no surprise, since Simmons commonly reports on pro wrestling via his ESPN platforms) under the nom de plume “The Masked Man.” He’d only score more points with me if he called himself the Yellow Dog.

Anyway, Shoemaker cobbled together the cluster of facts, myths, rumors and assumptions from the past month of WWE television to shine a more mainstream light on our latest great worked-shoot storyline, beginning with CM Punk complaining about his perceived value within WWE via Twitter, continuing with his epic speech where he ripped back the curtain on WWE’s backstage politics, climaxing with Punk taking the WWE Title off John Cena’s waist and placing it prominently, um, in his refrigerator, and trudging forward with a Bigfoot sighting in the form of Triple H taking WWE’s reins in a reflection of a transition that’s probably going to happen over the next few years. Shoemaker has a great outsider point of view on the whole thing, one that’s worth reading and keeping up on. -Eric

Pro Wrestling Is Art

Attention all oil painters! Someone in Saint Louis, Missouri desperately needs your help! I’ll let the picture do the rest of the talking here:

Keep in mind, though, only serious offers will be considered, and you are working under a strict deadline~! – Dusty

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