Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

water-drippingI was very happy that my new counter tops were installed today. Unfortunately the night has ended with the water main dripping and me not being able to find my plumber’s wrench. I wonder if Baby Momma Drama took them since he did so much house work. I had another intro but this one over rode it. Let’s roll. Really late.

The WWE allows me to go with the regular introduction because the video package reminds me of my indifference to this unification. I don’t hate that Randy Orton won. I don’t like that he won either. I don’t care that John Cena didn’t win. I wouldn’t give a care if he won either. A standing ovation, Mitchell Cool? Really? I don’t even hear a lot of boos. Orton has looked like a bitch but you know he’s a multi-time champion so it’s credible that he won the match up. HHH & Steph are posed rather seductively which is really odd. Isn’t it supposed to be more fun to be the heel? Because Randy Orton’s speech is hello boring. John Cena bags on him and his comatose speaking. He tries to goad him into a match with Daniel Bryan. Randy Orton steps over the line so Steph smacks him down. I don’t want a title shot for Daniel Bryan because he’ll win then lose later. Oh Steph, you’re so coy and funny saying we don’t understand the WWE Universe. HHH makes the match. So is this supposed to be the funny part where I laugh because Orton keeps putting his foot in his mouth to the Authority so they put him in his place, he apologizes then they rinse and repeat? This is the second round. How did I forget about the Wyatts? Interference city.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes are defending against Rey Mysterio & Big Show. Cody starts off with Rey. I grabbed water because I knew the match would go to commercial. Big Show tagged in to get said break. Big Show slam keeps going. The announcers make a hilarious joke about the presidential selfie. I’m dying from laughter here. The WWE is so hip and current because they’re making jokes about something recent. I would not be disappointed if some of these people tweeting comments that get on Raw were killed in a fiery accident. They’re the most mundane statements ever.  Is Randy Orton better than Daniel Bryan? We’ll find out tonight on #Raw! Knock yourself off. Goldust gets the hot tag against Big Show. Goldust gets choke slammed. Cody makes the save. Dust misses a twisting cross body. WMD. Rey drops the Dime from Big Show’s shoulders for the win.

Christmas Santa match. Oh goody. Bad News Barrett graces us with his presence. We can’t win the lottery. You definitely can’t when you don’t play. Randy Orton is mad at Steph & HHH. Kane is around this time. Steph turns around the argument and points out the obvious three on one match for Bryan. They keeps emphasizing the single championship but he’s still carrying around two belts. Care to explain?

Dolph Ziggler is taking on Fandango with Summer Rae. I must have glazed over the fact that Fandango beat Ziggler. (Wednesday Edit: Tuesday was that kind of day. On the TLC preshow.)  Jack Swagger should meet his fate at hands of one of the tweeters. The announcers are still enamored with the selfie. Ziggler barely beats Fandango with a roll up. I’m beyond annoyed. Shouldn’t Ziggler renew his confidence with an ass kicking? I think so. I’d say that about anyone who needs to get back on track.

Big E Langston & Mark Henry are taking on Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro. Langston starts against Swagger who tags out to Cesaro quickly. Henry takes over on Swagger. Langston gets back in. I love how the announcers are talking about Langston being a great champ. Yeah, he does that real effectively in a tag team. The baby faces are dominating who ever is in the ring. Right when I thought the WWE was positioning the Real Americans for a title run, they look terrible. Cesaro & Swagger double team Langston to change moment. The gut wrench suplex by Cesaro is impressive. Cool shot of Cesaro jumping on Langston’s back as he tries to make a tag.  Henry gets the hot tag. Paying homage to the Junkyard Dog! I love when Cool goes through puberty on air. Cesaro teases the Big Swing but Big E got the hidden tag and stopped it. (Wednesday Edit: What a terrible sentence it was before the correction.) Big Ending for the win. The Real Americans get knocked back down the ladder again.

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The Art of Wrestling – #TNA @ImpactWrestling’s 12 Days of Christmas

memegeneokerlund.com

memegeneokerlund.com

So I decided to move over to TNA this week to look for Christmas deals after covering the WWE last week. Before even getting to any of the deals, I was immediately confused. I don’t have a bookmark for WWEShop.com or ShopTNA.com. I go to their site proper and link to their shopping sites. As I scroll over the ShopTNA tab, the first thing I notice is the fact that both Hulk Hogan, who has been off TV since October, and AJ Styles, who may not be signed to a new contract, both have their own subsections. I understand that TNA needs to sell the merchandise that they have in stock. Since both gentlemen aren’t under contract and have had spats with Dixie Carter on air, the least they could do is remove their names from the pull down men.

When I clicked on ShopTNA.com, I then clicked on Happy Holidays deal banner. The first day I went to the site, Rockstar Spud greeted me. When I refreshed the site today, James Storm greeted me. Rockstar Spud should not greet me because he’s been on TV for all of three or four episodes and he’s a heel. Just bad marketing on their part. If he was a likeable heel like Christopher Daniels or Kazarian. Take the WWE as an example, they have recently started hawking their wares on TV. If memory serves, R Truth, the Prime Time Players, Dolph Ziggler, the Funkadactyls and The Bellas have done the segment. What do they have in common? They’re all baby faces. The fact that Dixie Carter was in the marketing field prior to running TNA, one would think she’d recognize this problem. I’m glad they’re using Storm now since he fits the mold.

There is another problem with this page. TNA went with the Happy Holidays wording. But then their slogan is ” Celebrate 12 Days of Christmas with ShopTNA.com.” I celebrate Christmas but am perfectly fine with using Happy Holidays. What I don’t think you should do is mix the two up which is precisely what they did. This deal is a stinker too. TNA is giving away one free item per day from the 9th until the 20th. They have provided enough of a sample size at this point to know they’re not going to give away anything even as “expensive” as a shirt. Day 1 was an IMPACT Twisted Necklace. Day 2 got you a Dixie Carter Shop TNA exclusive Action Figure. They got daring on day 3 by offering not just a Jeff Hardy Souvenir Cup (which is being modeled by the no longer employed So Cal Val) and Coloring Book. Today’s gift is a random pair of sunglasses. Seriously. They aren’t even telling you which piece of garbage they’re going to send you. The only catch with this “deal” is that you need to order a physical gift so no MP3s or digital goods will get you this fabulous extra(s).

I’d love to nit pick actual presents but that is the only deal they have going for Christmas. Looks like I’ll have to go back to the bargain bin at WWEShop.com next week for your entertainment. – Kevin

The @WWE Slammy Awards Are During #Raw Part III

I'm Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

I’m Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

Tag Team of the Year – Which Duo Did The Best? – The Shield (Rollins & Reigns), Prime Time Players, The Usos, Cody Rhodes & Goldust and The Real Americans – I’ve covered the Real Americans enough already. They’re not winning. The Prime Time Players may have a gay gentleman in Darren Young and a clear WWE favorite in Titus O’Neil but that has gotten them nowhere aside from having a good dance. The Usos are a notch above PTP but not by much. By hanging in the title picture, I give them a spot ahead but they’re not winning either. The Shield had the titles for longer this year but with the fans voting, I’ve got to go with Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Cody is finally saddled without a gimmick that limits him but unfortunately the tag straps limit your mic time. Goldust has been a fantastic comeback story so he might win two categories because of one reason.

“You Still Got It!” Best Superstar Return Award – Which Returning Competitor Made The Best Comeback in 2013? – Rob Van Dam, Goldust, The Bella Twins, Bruno Sammartino and Chris Jericho – Considering that the WWE doesn’t think we’ve got memories due to their story line plot holes that are larger than pot holes in Ohio this time of the year, we should probably count out Chris Jericho. He has been gone for several months and even though HHH mentioned him, he won’t win the vote. My woman will continue to have to dream about Jerry’s next appearance. Rob Van Dam falls under the same category. He would have been the vote hands down but staying off TV will not help fans thumbs to click RVD in the voting polls. Bruno Sammartino should win this one but he’s in a similar category to Jericho & RVD in that he hasn’t been on TV recently. His reasons for coming back may be wrong headed but he is one of the greatest ever. Giving him a worthless award is the least you could do for the man. The Bella Twins shouldn’t count. Ahh crap, they had been gone for a while, hadn’t they? Well, whatever. They might deserve it for making the women’s division somewhat relevant because of Total Divas but as the show points out, Nikki has been out the majority of the time since their return. Maybe if Brie Bella had been listed by herself, I’d be more interested in voting for them. Goldust is going to win because he’s got gold and a whole lot of momentum behind him.

Best Dance Moves – Who Boogied the Best in 2013? – Fandango, Summer Rae, R-Truth, The Funkadactyls, The Great Khali and the “Miz-co” Inferno – It’s probably not a good thing for the “Miz-co” Inferno that I don’t remember his dance moves because everyone else is less likely to remember. The Great Khali is a dance machine that we haven’t seen since Young Frankenstein. R Truth could win if his name was Xavier Woods and he’s in a storyline trying to steal the Funkadactyls. Why are they listed as a duo while Fandango & Summer Rae being split into separate choices? The dances that Fandango & Summer attempt on a weekly basis are partnered dances. I’d love to see Summer Rae dance her ways into my bedroom but that isn’t the vote. The Funkadactyls will win due to their exposure on Total Divas even though that’s meant less dancing for them since Brodus Clay & Tensai were excavated after several months of extinction for the Xavier Woods feud.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

From roflcat.com if you can't read really small print.

From roflcat.com if you can’t read really small print.

I have a 3/4 done post about beer that I was hoping to post, I have a perfect column in mind for last week’s ROH airing that I just watched last night and I tried to get done a Weekend Rewind last night but it sits in worse condition than the ROH idea. Very unproductive weekend. I will get cracking this week. I really enjoyed doing the Walking Dead Mid-Season Review today so that’s a good start. We watched Total Divas right before doing this column. Another good thing. Although she is really irritated with the show this week so it should make for a funny column. (Next Day Edit: She was so pissed she didn’t know what she’d write. I told her to let the sarcasm out. Always makes me laugh when she gets snarky. We’ll see what happens.) Let’s roll.

CM Punk graces the ring first. He has the best guts in the business. He wants to live in his own universe away from HHH. He’s bleeped so I’m quite sure they knew it was coming. Stephanie McMahon comes out. The Authority is for free speech. The look on Punk’s face when he questioned Steph was priceless. Punk needs to direct his questions to Kane. Shouldn’t he get new music with this character? Kane gets to drone on. Punk challenges Kane to a match. The Shield shows up. How can JBL say there’s no collusion when they were directly working for the Authority the last several months? The worse fact is that neither of the other announcers have come up with this point. Mitchell Cool tells us they’ll only have one belt clarifying loop holes that everyone was looking for with their wording from last week. (Next Day Edit: I still think this build up isn’t enough for this type of match. Having the unification happen at TLC isn’t helping my misgivings.)

Damien Sandow gets to beat my boy Dolph Ziggler since Big E Langston is the Intercontinental Champion. Big E is on the headset. I’m sure Dolph wants a shot at the IC Title so that he can start chasing Chris Jericho’s record. They have a standard match which makes it bizarre after two consecutive brawls. JBL points out that a concussion cost Ziggler his second title reign. Oh no, he didn’t he called him out for his short title reigns. You’re Welcome for the Sandow win. I want to vomit. Shortest match of their trio.

The Divas get a gigantic tag match again because there’s no good way to get them on TV otherwise. The Bellas & Natalya are taking on AJ Lee, Tamina & Summer Rae. Tamina takes a beating from the Bellas early. Tamina takes over on Brie. AJ Lee continues to skip around the ring. Summer Rae botches a sunset flip. Natalya gets the hot tag. AJ makes the tag when Natalya is down. She played opossum. Small package by Natalya gets a victory. (Next Day Edit: Roll up win #1.) She continues on her hot streak. AJ  skips away from the match.

Holy Christ on a pony. Bad News Barrett. Who thought this was a good idea? My woman has a perfect question “Why is he stealing Damien Sandow’s material?” Randy Orton is glaring at Brad Maddox. He wants to be recognized as the greatest ever. Maddox is going to be his errand boy. Maddox needs to trim the bear. Not a good look. Daniel Bryan hits the entrance. Weird that he’s this pumped up.

Bryan takes on Erick Rowan after the break. It’d be criminal to not give him a microphone tonight. They still have plenty of time. It’s a power versus speed match. JBL going off the rails. They’re exchanging smaller flurries of offense than I’m used to. Rowan tosses Bryan into the barricade for a break. Nice of them to start an extended sell after I mention it. Rowan keeps going with the beat down. Bryan got shut down on an apparent comeback. I’ve been trying to ignore the Slammy categories because they make my brain hurt. I think JBL drank before this show. Rowan misses a splash to get things moving in the right direction. Rowan slows him with a boot to the face. Roll up out of a guerrilla press slam for the win. (Next Day Edit: Roll up victory #2.)The lights go out. Bray Wyatt tells Rowan & Harper to stand down. Bray understands Bryan. Together they can bring the machine to it’s knees. Interesting. Will a storyline finally be complete with the Wyatt Family? (Next Day Edit: Of course this storyline will be completed and everyone will be crapped on like Alberto Del Rio after it’s over. See below.)

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Kia And Cay at Melissas ParentsSeeing as though I’m taking my hound dog Kia into a specialist to have her heart murmur looked x-rayed on Wednesday, Peter King’s page about putting down his Golden Retriever Bailey really touched me. It also reminded me of Bill Simmons writing a eulogy for his dog the Dooze. The first time I read about having to put down a dog was Marley & Me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s become cliche to write about your dog when that time comes. I don’t want it to come but it’s coming. The heart murmur is not taking my mind away from that time. Enjoy your pets as long as you can. Time to review some wrestling. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 2 before we see live action. The usual tribute to the troops then a Big Show package. I didn’t read the spoilers so it’s all new to me. The Authority is away so the mice are going to play. Oh my! Randy Orton takes forever and a day to get to the ring as usual. Of course the way he starts his promo is “I’ll get right to it…” You don’t do anything quickly, Randy. He’s in charge of Raw tonight. Brad Maddox was more exciting in his twenty second promo. Corporate Kane says he’s in charge. Maddox tries to make a match but Kane suggests another opponent. Vickie Guerrero comes out to toss around her weight. So I’ve found something worse than HHH & Steph being on TV, bit players arguing power for three hours of TV. HHH & Steph run a tight ship. Wouldn’t best for business mean appointing someone boss so this doesn’t happen? For some reason, she has Orton take on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Why is a heel screwing a heel?

Goldust and Orton are in the ring after the break. It’s got to fill you with confidence when the crowd chants “Randy’s Boring”. Not a flattering mock chant. He’s so boring, I didn’t need to type anything of significance before the next commercial. Goldust is taking a beating still. Cody Rhodes gets a hot tag. Orton gets himself counted out. Big Show arrives to attack Orton. Super choke slam off the top of the stairs thru the announce table. That’s got to smart.

Big Show goes out for a pint since Sheamus can’t. Los Matadores & El Torito get to bore me even more. Santino Marella is their team mate.  3MB comes out as the Union Jacks. The crowd is behind them. Mitchell Cool calls him Bulltino because he’s wearing horns. Yuck. Bull Cobra win. Double yuck. Randy Orton yells at Maddox then Vickie. Kane isn’t taking Orton’s shit. It’s official, my boy is the new Christian because he gets a crack at the IC Title.

Damien Sandow is waiting in the ring. Kofi Kingston is his opponent. Sandow showing a mean streak early. I don’t catch much of the match though because I’m talking over Wrestlemania plans. You’re Welcome for the win. I guess the Terminoose is no longer.

Dolph Ziggler comes down first. Curtis Axel comes down second as the champion. Axel gets the upper hand early. Ziggler turns things around with a drop kick. Ziggler’s spill to the outside looked rough. They talk over Axel’s psyche without Paul Heyman. Mitchell said “Billy Gunn” like he was going thru puberty. Super face plant only gets Ziggler a two count. Axel gives Ziggler one move for the win. Fuck Jack Swagger. Give credit to Ziggler for a great match, are you fucking kidding me? Kane has his new arguing partner in Brad Maddox. The Real Americans are taking on John Cena. The Shield is taking on CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Sounds like we got our hour mark matches.

I didn’t ever realize how bitchy the Bellas entrance was. You can look but not touch? Aren’t you baby faces? Shouldn’t you change their entrance music? Nikki Bella is taking on Tamina. Brie & AJ Lee are at ring side for their respective partners. Tamina uses her strength to smack around Nikki. The later gets to have some quick strike offense. AJ cheats for Tamina. Superfly splash for the win. AJ took out Brie after that. Brie dropkicks AJ then Tamina. We get a stand off then. No one cares.

Video Package Count: 3. The Shield goes in to have an audience with Randy Orton. For some reason, the trainer is still working on him. The Shield doesn’t work for anyone that was supposed to be in charge tonight. So is this match going to involve Fandango or is Summer Rae in action again?

Video Package Count: 4. This time to preview Total Divas. Tyson and Nattie still don’t know how to be a couple. The review will be up sometime tomorrow. Tyson Kidd is Fandango’s opponent. Kidd looks sharp again. Fandango gets the cheap roll up win. The crowd is happy. I don’t really care because I’m over Fandango. I’d rather him get some in ring cred. A cheap win over a guy coming back from an injury isn’t the way to do it.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

1982-Wolverine-Issue 1I was watching Comic Book Men before I started the column. The above comic might be the one that I own with any real value. I can’t really call myself a comic book guy at this point though. I haven’t bought anything in at least a decade. I don’t count buying “The Walking Dead” or Dragonball Z mangas for my good buddy Ken. I do enjoy getting a peak at some cool ass items on this show. I could care less if it’s staged or not. Enough babble. Let’s roll.

Shawn Michaels gets the opening segment. All of the announcers agree that he’ll call it straight down the line. Should I take that as a hint or are the announcers just stating the obvious. HBShizzle doesn’t get much mic time before Randy Orton shows his ugly mug. Orton goes for the “I’m better than you ever were” agitation. It fails. Orton goes on a tirade then. Shawn threatens Sweet Chin Music. Orton attacks him from behind. They both almost hit their finishers. The Miz attacks Orton. We get a commercial. The Miz should have left his mom at home according to JBL. Ha. When they do a close up on Orton’s arms, it really shows how bad those original tattoos were. They stick out even though he got well done ones on the rest of his arm to try and hide them. I do forget about the difference more when the shot is out further. After some offense by Orton, Miz gets back on a roll. The Miz starts to put on the figure four when the lights go out. The Wyatt Family is on the stage. Orton RKOs the Miz. I’m glad King agreed with JBL about the Miz taking his eye off the prize. Bray Wyatt says he hates fame. Wyatt threatens to put him down.

I just thought about this with Fandango‘s entrance, we didn’t even get Fandango at last week’s Smackdown. We got seriously hosed. Santino Marella is his opponent. Fandango got the early jump. Santino did a modified Stunner to start his come back. Summer Rae “distracts” Santino when he simply stops from nailing her with the Cobra. Fandango rolls him up for the win.

Paul Heyman has Brad Maddox‘s ear. Heyman claims Maddox was made the fool by CM Punk. Maddox doesn’t cave to him. Maddox has a beat the clock challenge for Punk & Ryback to determine their stipulation at HIAC. Xavier Woods from NXT started a petition for Big Show to be re-instated. JBL is angry about it. I just smell another call up. John Cena gets his Superman video package. El Torito comes out with Los Matadores. Ole! into commercial break.

Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre are their opponents. Jinder Mahal is at ringside for 3MB. Diego starts against McIntyre. They are on the El Torito band wagon. Double Samoan Drop for the win. Wow, Jeremy nailed it so far with the “boring show” label. Good gravy. It’s not terrible but it’s just there. (Next Day Edit: After looking for places for more comments, I can’t find one. The show was just there. Still. Predictable and executed well. This note should be at the end of the column but fits better here.)

HHH & Big Steph get to the top of the hour. Big Steph does the caring wife angle. HHH is going to be a villain since everyone is painting them that way. Daniel Bryan comes out. Before anything is said, Alberto Del Rio attacks. Del Rio kicks him in the head. Steph makes a match between the two tonight.

R Truth is a smart baby face and goes to the outside instead of letting Ryback attack him. The plan falls apart when Truth halts for Heyman. Ryback gets the offense going but tries for a pin after every move. Completely bizarre to see Ryback rolling up Truth. That shouldn’t be in his power move set. Truth gets in some offense at the 4:30 mark. Shell Shock at 5:44. It wasn’t much offense.

Big Steph is angry at Brie Bella. Nikki has to stay in the back during the match. It is spiteful for Steph to assign a match between Brie & Tamina “I Never Win Despite My Size and Name” Snuka. I’m siding with JBL but not for his reason. Tons of Funk get a full entrance. Commercial. The Real Americans and Zeb Colter are mad at Los Matadores. It was only a matter of time until they jobbed to the new guys. Swagger Bomb is followed by Cesaro vaulting Swagger for the double stomp. That is an impressive move by the big man. Xavier Woods gets more air time. Brodus gets the hot tag. Clay with a PerfectPlex. I’m so lost on big man moves tonight. Cesaro turns it with an European Upper Cut. Cesaro with the Neutralizer for the win. Cesaro with the Big Swing on Tensai after the match.

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#WWE #Smackdown Spoilers

spoiler-alertSo before I get to the spoilers, let’s ramble about stuff that can be mentioned. The crowd was much smaller for Smackdown than the Raw that was here earlier this year. No one was in the upper deck. The hard camera had people in the next 2 sections beside it for Raw. They were tarped off last night. Columbus also got royally hosed with appearances. I understand that Smackdown is the #2 show but we got no Big Show, CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton, The Shield, my boy Dolph Ziggler or the McMahon Family. Now, I didn’t expect all of them to be there but none of them? Wow. Thirdly, it was a fun reminder of the change in crowd when you go from the expensive seats to the cheap seats. We sat around an interesting crew, some of which still believed wrestling is real. Yes, it is 2013.

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