Doing the Diva shuffle: Kharma makes WWE release official, TNA bounces Velvet Sky all over the place

According to Gerweck.net, Kharma (a/k/a Kia Stevens) all but made her WWE release official this morning by responding to a Twitter question asking if she had been granted said release.

@CatherineNikita yes, I was. It doesn’t mean I’ll never be back.

If you recall, Jeremy recently posted that WWE’s reason for granting Kharma’s release was that they had nothing creatively for her. This idea boggles even the Corkiest of minds, which shows you the depths of stupidity of the current WWE writing staff. If you can’t make plans for a 200-pound evil-looking black chick in a world full of pin-up dolls and airheads, you need to find another line of work, maybe one where you understand, “I like my fries crispy, keep them in the grease for six minutes instead of five.”

In other lady news, according to Prowrestling.net, the profile of Velvet Sky (a/k/a Hot Stuff McGee) has been taken off and then put back on TNA’s ImpactWrestling.com Web site. Vel Vel is dealing with contract issues thanks to Bruce Prichard, talent relations extraordinaire, asking talent to restructure the terms and lengths of their deals. Sky could pull a Brian Pillman circa the “Cowboy” Bill Watts years and tell Prichard that she’ll be the highest paid Knockouts jobber on the roster, or she could grab the next ticket to Stamford, Conn., and pick up her friend and former WWE developmental wrestler Angelina Love on the way to really shake things up. Or she could grab the next ticket to Des Moines, Iowa, and rub her vagina on my middle rope, if you know what I mean. (Because, you see, that’s what she did in TNA, so don’t be accusing me of lewdness, you pricks.) -Eric

WWE releases Chavo Guerrero, dead-uncle statute passed

Pucker up and kiss your contract goodbye, amigo!

See what you get for waking up early on a Saturday and browsing the Internet? I’ve accomplished more in 30 minutes — hung over, no less — than most people will all day! According to WWE.com, 10-year employee… excuse me, independent contractor (am I right, @The305MVP?) Chavo Guerrero has come to terms with WWE on Guerrero’s release. For those of you who follow Stunt Granny but haven’t really watched wrestling since the Monday Night Wars of the late 1990s, you may remember the last name “Guerrero” as that of phenomenal talent Eddie Guerrero, who sadly passed away in November 2005. However, you may barely remember his shifty nephew Chavo as a borderline obnoxious undercard wrestler who could kinda wrestle but mostly just pissed you off because you’d rather have been watching La Parka or the NWO.

Well, apparently WWE’s five-and-a-half-year statute on keeping a wrestler on the roster after his uncle died from pumping up the muscles on his small frame just to get ahead has expired, so Chavo is going to have to strap on a Speed Racer helmet and pretend to be excited about All Wheels Wrestling, or head back home with 24 of his best friends in one pickup truck. -Eric

Whoa, even more WWE cuts: Shad, Gallows, jobber, jobber, greasy writer (UPDATE: Ref, too)

 

Lance Hoyt

"Aw, c'mon, why me?" (Yes, that's Vance Archer as Lance Hoyt, and yes, TNA wasted time licensing his action figure.)

According to Prowrestling.net, even more wrestlers have been released today (don’t pick up your phone, Yoshi Tatsu):

Shad Gaspard: A shock to Jeremy, but I think he looked too much like a sweetheart to really be “Da Beast” he was marketed as in OVW. Good wrestler, though, but likely to have been miscast as a monster heel. (Whereas Ezekiel Jackson — who apparently allows WWE to meet its “big black guy” quota — is miscast as a giant babyface.) He would be smart to send a resume to TNA.

Luke Gallows: The Fake Kane, the Freakin’ Deacon, Festus… and now fired. Boy, that’s a lot of Fs.

Fake Kane

"F my life."

Caylen Croft: I liked the Dudebusters, but they were going nowhere. WWE’s tag team division is in shambles just like it’s been for the past eight years, and even though (I think) I like Croft more than Baretta, to WWE they’re the same warm body. Cut one, let the other one dangle. Go to Chikara and be a Ghostbuster instead.

Vance Archer: The former Lance… what the fuck was his name? Lance… Hoyt, that’s right, the former Lance Hoyt from TNA couldn’t find his niche in WWE. Then again his niche is being a smaller, boring version of Diesel with no charisma and a tramp stamp. So long, stinktown.

Big Dick Johnson: Whatever. Go start the next Major League Wrestling and wow us Court Bauer-style into realizing your fat dancer gimmick was untapped brilliance. Gross. -Eric

UPDATE: Aaron “Goose” Mahoney: I at least know who that is, which might be impressive in an era where referees’ names never get mentioned. But then again, I’m obsessed with professional wrestling, so it only makes sense that I sit outside Goosey’s house every night waiting for him to come home know who he is.

Tiffany, Jillian Hall released, Mr. Morneau is saddened

Tiffany WWE

What the hell, let’s give this picture one last go-round.

According to Prowrestling.net, both Jillian Hall and Tiffany have been released by WWE. The Tiffany thing comes as less of a surprise since she was just involved in that domestic dispute thing with Drew McIntyre (and by “involved” I mean “she was the nutcase who assaulted him”). Plus, knowing WWE’s PG rating, why bother having a former Playboy model on your roster (other than to please Nathan Timm).

On the other hand, Jillian Hall has been an incredible team player for years now, first wearing that stupid mole thing on her cheek, then having it eaten off her cheek by Boogeyman, then being cast as a Brooke Hogan-esque screeching caterwauling vocalist. I mean, I know you can’t stay employed forever (and she’d be wise to try to nab some sweet TNA money while they’re still flushing it down the commode), but… eh, honestly, whatever, I felt like feigning interest. Good luck and all that jazz. -Eric

Eugene released again. Good. Let’s keep it that way.

I, I, Ill be back in a couple weeks!

"I, I, I'll be back here in a couple weeks, folks!"

According to WWE.com, WWE released Nick Dinsmore, aka Eugene, again. Good riddance. He looked like dogshit in that short match with The Miz, aka the Calgary Kid, on Monday. Hey, maybe TNA will sign him, and he and Kurt Angle can start a tag team called The Pharmacy. -Eric

The Brian Kendrick The latest WWE release

"It means 'The Bart, The'."

In a surprise to no one (since I suggested this was gonna happen on a recent audio), WWE announced on its Web site the release of The Brian Kendrick. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been checking the “WWE NEWS” tab on WWE.com pretty diligently since Kendrick jobbed to Jerry “The King” Lawler two weeks ago, but it still sucked to read this news. Hey, Brian, get ahold of Gabe Sapolsky and see if he can use you on Sunday, Sept. 6, on the Dragon Gate show. I’d much rather watch you wrestle for 20 minutes on Sunday than job to Hornswoggle in 30 seconds on Monday. -Eric

WWE releases Umaga, I hate everything

How are your future endeavors going, Uncle?

"How are your future endeavors going, Uncle Afa?"

According to both Figure Four Weekly and WWE.com, WWE has released Umaga. Once again, I know I’m the biggest Umaga fan at SG by about 10 horse-lengths, but this is just stupid. Umaga, before he started talking, was different, which these days is a good thing. He was chubby but athletic, he was monstrous and animalistic, and he had cool shit all over his body. No, I’m not trying to say he was a Bertha Faye rip-off. He could have made a great stablemate for someone like Edge or a heel John Morrison, someone too savage to realize his vicious ways were being taken advantage of for another wrestler’s sake. Two years ago I would have said “This would make sense if WWE was making room for Samoa Joe,” but nowadays, fuck Samoa Joe. (No offense.) -Eric

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