Eric’s Blog: Which @WWE released wrestlers would you hire?

Peace out, Cub Scout. -or- Yes, I will pay you 2 grand a week to be my TV Champion.

Let’s say I won the lottery, or a Nigerian prince wanted to deposit $44.3 million into my bank account if I would just give him my routing number. I would totally go behind Carly’s back and finally start the professional wrestling company I’ve always dreamed of.

Or would I? Has the free agent talent pool dried up in the past few years? Until today, WWE hadn’t executed a mass release of superstars for ages. TNA still hoards wrestlers like TV Guides. Anyone who Ring of Honor releases isn’t worth their weight in, well, anything, since they all weigh 148 pounds soaking wet. And most other notable names are old, getting old, hurt, or just sick of pro wrestling and are now working for big-time medical device companies.

A few wrestlers stand out as must-haves. I would throw my mom down the stairs to acquire Colt Cabana. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen him, but I was wowed by Go Shiozaki and would want that international element in my league. And then most of the other guys are dudes I know.

With WWE’s flush of talent today, though, a few more names rise to the top of the draft board…and a few don’t even qualify as the tail on the donkey. Let’s find out who’s who.

Evan Bourne: Any wrestling company who can’t find something for Evan Bourne/Matt Sydal to do doesn’t know their ass from a hole in the ground. That said, if this cut had happened five years ago when the talent roster wasn’t as deep, we’d all be screaming “the end is nigh” for WWE. Today, there’s enough talent to feed an army and choke a horse, so Bourne’s departure doesn’t harm WWE one bit. It does, though, give another company a chance to score a real blue-chipper, a young, athletic man with an incredible look for mass appeal. He’s also a 14-year veteran who’s seen it all, knows almost everyone, and could be an asset to a locker room. Easy thumbs up.

Curt Hawkins: Here’s a quality guy with a nondescript look and a personality that just never quite shone through on television. But there’s something there, and whatever it is, it makes him worth drafting. Plus, he seems to be friends with all of those other popular indy dudes like Colt, Cliff Compton, Trent? and others. Networking is a good thing.

Brodus Clay: I’m on the fence with this guy. Every league needs a monster, and Clay could fit that role. With a mouthpiece, there’s almost no question about it. But he’s no Big Van Vader. And that’s what pro wrestling needs right now, is Vader, not Vader Lite. As soon as he figures out a few intangibles, I’ll say yes. But if I’m spending that Nigerian prince’s money, I have to table this discussion for now.

Aksana: I don’t mean any disrespect to the female gender, but I can’t see one reason why a woman would step foot in, on or near my pro wrestling ring. I’m in the business of drawing money, not spending it. She never amounted to anything anyway, and there’s no upside here.

Camacho: Ca-who-cho?

Teddy Long: Teddy is my playa, playa, but I’m not sure what role I would cast him in. No more heel GMs, no more ambiguous GMs, no more assistant GMs. Wrestling needs to be done with this now. Long is too old to referee. He’s not too old to manage, but he would need to manage the right person. (Brodus Clay? As long as he’s angrier than Rodney Mack.) Color commentator? (Too easy, pipe down, Maes.) I could see that, too. Teddy has value to a young locker room…I just don’t know what the ROI is on him. Pass for now.

Yoshi Tatsu: This guy got the second- or third-best reaction of the night on Raw… in 2009. I don’t know what he brings to the table today, except an embarrassingly unaware Twitter account. Honestly, this is an easy pass. I don’t care if he beat up Sheamus and stir-fried his dog for dinner; thanks but no thanks.

Jinder Mahal: Good riddance.

Drew McIntyre: If you can’t get over in WWE as “Vince McMahon’s chosen one,” you don’t deserve to be a pro wrestler.

Marc Harris: I don’t trust people who spell “Marc” with a “c,” and I don’t trust referees who aren’t named Mike Chioda or Jack Doan (“What’s up, hoes?!”)

JTG: I was always a JTG fan, when/and no one else was. I don’t think I was seeing things: During his time with Cryme Tyme, he was charismatic, athletic and funny. He could chain wrestle, he could execute a string of cool maneuvers… I’m really not sure how he got relegated to enhancement status, followed by complete obsolescence. I’ll take him, and Shad Gaspard, too, wherever the hell he is.

What about you? Who are your top 5 draft picks right now? Leave a comment below, or hit us up on Facebook.

TNA releases… wait, TNA released some people?

Least slutty picture I could find from my work computer that everyone can see now.

From the “Never Thought I’d See the Day” Department, which is right next door to the “Hoarding” Department and the “I Have So Many Wrestlers to Cut $100 Checks To That I’m Going to Murder Myself” Payroll Office… oh, and according to a few articles at Prowrestling.net, TNA has released some wrestlers! Holy crap! The company whose roster page is 18 columns wide by infinity long has released Joey Ryan, Taeler Hendrix, Crimson and Christian York, while also allowing Madison Rayne’s contract to expire. I personally think that, with all of the on-screen drama his Gut Check segment created, that the Ryan release is a work. The others make perfect sense, as Crimson is useless, Christian York forgot it’s not 2000 anymore, and I’m not entirely sure if Taeler Hendrix is a male or a female. In summary, good riddance to bad rubbish, although here’s hoping someone makes lemonade out of this Joey Ryan thing. (Leave it to TNA to make AIDS out of lemonades.)

Funny I mentioned payroll a minute ago, given the other news from Prowrestling.net that TNA has been behind on payroll lately. Here’s a snippet from the story that will make Chris Sabin feel really good:

One source noted that it was widespread enough that even a prominent former TNA Champion was telling colleagues that the company was six weeks behind on his pay.

Super! Does this mean Sting will quit buying red lipstick to go with his 16-year-old Crow face paint? Or, on the flipside, that Kurt Angle will need to endorse more meal supplements? I’d rather see him go back to hawking pizza. -Eric

WWE Release Day! Melina, Chris Masters, Vladimir Kozlov, David Hart Smith

(Fast-forward to about 1:30 to see the latest – and last – appearance of “The Masterpiece”)

Welp, it was bound to happen sooner or later, and when it didn’t happen at the customary time immediately following WrestleMania, I’m sure these Legends of WWE Superstars (exclusively on WWE.com) were increasingly more freaked out about answering their phones when a 203 area code popped up. According to Prowrestling.net, three superstars and one diva have been released, and one more diva claims to have quit (and she probably did).

So say goodbye to that sorry-ass no-talent hack Melina (and to the ultra-talented-and-thus-totally-wasted Gail Kim), to Chris Masters (does that mean he can’t challenge Zack Ryder for the Internet Championship?), to Vladimir Kozlov (who will replace him in his sitcom with Santino Marella? and hey, he got a good pop from the Des Moines crowd a few weeks back), and to David Hart Smith, the third-generation star who (edited to remove reference to dead people’s shadows).

In summary, good luck to Masters, Vlad and Kim in their future endeavors, good luck to David Hart Smith finding something to do with your life that doesn’t involve Del Taco, and good riddance to that insult-to-intelligence Z-grade J-Lo Melina. Hooray Black Friday! -Eric

Tony Atlas released, HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH!

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE Hall of Famer and “The Abraham Washington Show” sidekick Tony Atlas was released Friday. I truly don’t care, but I wanted to post a video of the horrendously racist Saba Simba character Atlas used to play. -Eric

P.S. Holy cow, speaking of racist:

WWE releases Ricky Ortiz

Doooooouuurrrrr, look at my awesome shoulder piece. Buuuhhhh, my Spafro was cool as shit in college. Duuuuuuh.

"Doooooouuurrrrr, look at my awesome shoulder piece. Buuuhhhh, my Spafro was cool as shit in college. Duuuuuuh."

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE released Ricky Ortiz. In other news, who the fuck cares. -Eric

WWE is full of cold-blooded assholes (more releases)

Ugh, fuck, what was Dixie Carters phone number again?

"Ugh, fuck, what was Dixie Carter's phone number again?"

So since releasing referee Jim Korderas the same day his father died, WWE (according to PWInsider.com) has just released referee Mickey Henson (formerly Mickey Jay in WCW, and formerly the second best referee in wrestling behind Mike Chioda) while he was out on medical leave, and former Tough Enough cast member/OVW wrestler/Colt Cabana’s friend/guy who got beat up by that fucking jerk Bob Holly/guy who SURVIVED BRAIN CANCER Matt Cappotelli. Out of all the developmental guys to cut, they chose to cut the one with the greatest fucking story of all time. Good one, dipshits. -Eric

A Quick Word on WWE Releases

unemployment1

I coulda been somebody.

WWE has every right to do what they think is best with their talent roster, so let’s get that out there right away. Anyone who works fro a major corporation has had to deal with layoffs of some sort, and WWE routinely dismisses their independent contractors as they see fit. It is the first rule of business: When profits are down, cut the work force and overburden the remaining employees.

The list of wrestlers released on the last four days, specifically Elijah Burke, Kenny Doane and Paul London, does not affect WWE in any capacity currently. Yes, there is going to be the usual outcry from the diehard fans that these men should not have been released, and this is not being disputed by yours truly. Releasing these three men though is setting the stage for an eventual downturn in business that WWE cannot afford.

No, none of these men were top stars and had rarely been on television in the last few months. What they were, though, was an opportunity for WWE to push different wrestlers instead of the same old same old that is leading their downturn in business. This is not as delusional as it reads. Look at who WWE has kept on their roster despite there being no clear reason for retaining their employment.

Instead of getting rid of young wrestlers who do not have the stain of age, failure or the stale sense of the same old same old to them, they need to take a drastic change and release from the seniority side down. Here is a list of current WWE’s independent contractors whose time has come and gone and should be first on any list for future cuts. This is no groundbreaking list but everyone on this list has no potential upside remaining or in some cases never did.

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