Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #TNA #ImpactWrestling

repeater_300dpiI’m repeating my weekend travel plans from last week except I’m going for my girl’s grandmother’s 92nd birthday. So in order to clean off the DVR, let’s roll.

I forgot that they were going to be at IUP. James Storm is in the ring. AJ Styles is in the stands. Bad Influence joins them. I do like their sales pitch. Aces & Eights are beating up Storm again. The rest of the people who have been beat up suck. Joseph Park sucks the least. 3D thru the table so he can feel his Abyss roots.

Aces & Eights are still in the ring so that they can suck the energy out of the room. They beat up all of our heroes. Why didn’t they deliver that promo before the break? It was a short promo then you reset after the commercial break. Tazz tried to sound tough before another commercial break. Yep, thanks for making two segments suck instead of one.

Taryn Terrell is fighting Tara. The only thing catching my attention are Tazz & Tenay fighting like sixth graders. Then Tazz notes that ODB is sober. Yep, they let Taryn hang around to get the cheap pin when Tara got cocky. Always a decent way to build up a babyface without hurting the heel. People don’t care.

Rob Terry is taking on Jesse. I feel bad for this crowd. What did they do to deserve this? Robbie E saves Jesse from a pin. Weird spine buster type move for the win by Terry. Woof.

Bad Influence tries to recruit Bobby Roode. We get reruns of Jeff Hardy losing. Good for Chris Sabin coming back. He’s a tough cookie.

Austin Aries confronts Bobby Roode about getting Fortune back together. He makes several good points himself. I guess they’re gunning for the World Tag Team Titles. Chavo & Hernandez have the belts but seem like after thoughts in this match. The baby faces get to take advantage of an arguing team. Wow, Hernandez looked like he may have hurt himself. I’m not surprised. The match has been pretty good as a over all though. Kaz runs interference. Daniels interference back fires. Frog Splash win.

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TNA Audio #5 – Swinging From The Barn Door

Yeah man, Direct Auto Insurance is awesome. Say, don't we have a title match coming up or something?

This is a very special edition of TNA Audio because not only do Dusty and Matt discuss the February 9 Impact episode, but they also go above and beyond the call of duty to talk about the February 12 Against All Odds pay-per-view as well! That means that your earbuds are in for a sweet, sweet serenade about things like:

-Why Dusty feels like Hulk Hogan is a human acid trip, and why he is responsible for that woman’s hideous attire.

-Why they both feel like TNA is really getting the hang of solid, episodic storytelling, and why they might have a leg up over WWE when it comes to this.

-Why Magnus might be on the cusp on something, if he can break free from the boys in the back and bullshit of the politics behind that curtain.

-Why the company would really be in business if only they could figure out how to properly end the main events of their pay-per-views.

And a whole lot more nonsense, including Dusty yelling loudly at his dog, Matt being lethargic because this was one of the most boring Impacts in a long time, Dusty hoping people notice he just got a new phone and that’s why he sounds like a whole lot better this week (fingers crossed), Dusty standing silently to Matt’s side with a towel around his neck making intimidating looking faces, Matt quietly binging on his free ice cream from last week while Dusty rants, and a whole lot more, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #5

Stunt Granny Audio- TNA Roster Game 2011

This isn't accurate but it isn't any better.

Nearly a year to the day Stunt Granny brings back everyone’s favorite show. Yes it is time for the TNA roster game. For the uninitiated the entire crew gets together and plays booker and the almighty. Who stays? Who goes? Why keep Shannon Moore for any reason? Who is considered an asset in the eyes of some and absolute garbage in the eyes of others? Why go through all of this? Why is Eric squirming for the last fifteen minutes? Why do the guys drag it out much longer than necessary? Well the answer is simple a retarded dog with no education is smarter than the decision makers in TNA. To prove this fact a bunch of assholes will all talk over each other to make jokes at Dixie Carter and her merry pack of goons’ expense. So join in the audio goodness.

Stunt Granny Audio Show- TNA Roster Game 2011

Past TNA Roster shows

TNA ROSTER GAME 2010

TNA ROSTER GAME 2099 Part 1

TNA ROSTER GAME 2009 Part 2

Jay Lethal Released By TNA

Fuckin figures.

UPDATE: The news of Jay Lethal’s release came on April 21. According to Wikipedia, Jay Lethal’s birthday is April 21. Burn in hell, TNA.

So Jay Lethal apparently wasn’t good enough for TNA any longer. According to PWInsider via ProWrestling.net, TNA has released the former X-Division champion. Of course he will be better remembered for his stint as a Macho Man tribute act.  So, what to make of this?

Really, it is TNA so who cares but Lethal is a young guy that has plenty of years ahead. He should have been valuable to TNA but he isn’t Eric Young, Rob Terry, Orlando Jordan, Abyss, Crimson or one of those easily confusable jackass security guys.

Releasing Lethal, regardless of if he asked for it or not, speaks to the bigger problem with TNA; they have no clue how to utilize their talent. Sure Lethal will never be a main event player but he is young and has the talent to make for a compelling mid-card act. He could have been a staple of their X-Divison but it is clear they don’t care about that. He could have been a player for the television title but there are no clearly defined rules for that belt anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered actually.

Here is the one idea no one will mention; WWE needs to get him on the next season of Tough Enough. No not developmental or NXT, they need to get him on television in a controlled environment and see if they can mold a personality for him. See if he sticks. If he wins it, great, if not, nothing lost and he can go to ROH or Japan.  -Jeremy

SG Poll: Which TNA personality is most likely to be busted next?

In light of Jeff Hardy’s next impending court date and Kurt Angle’s recent arrest for, um, sliding his car off a patch of ice and into a median and they didn’t smell no alcohol on my breath I’m an Olympic champion, we at Stunt Granny wonder what TNA personality is next in line for a legal beatdown, beeotch?! As always, leave comments!

TNA to give away “on demand” service in exchange for Jeff Hardy drug binge

jeff hardy

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." *punch punch Scorpion Death Drop* "Hey, wait a dang ol' minute!?!"

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA Wrestling is offering six months of free online on-demand service for customers frustrated after ordering the Sacrifice or Victory Road or Destination X or whatever the hell PPV that was this past weekend and being cheated out of a real main event (not because it only lasted 90 seconds but because it featured Sting vs. Jeff Hardy, as if that’s a main event). Here’s the note from their Web site:

“TNA Wrestling strives to give fans who purchase our pay-per-views as close to a full three-hour event as possible. This past Sunday’s “TNA Victory Road” fell short of that standard.  Your support of TNA is never taken for granted. To show you how we value that support, we would like to offer six months of free access to the TNAondemand.com library.”

One: I love how the No. 1 thing they can boast about their PPVs is the proximity to a three-hour show, not the quality of the booking or the action or anything. Two: What, really, is the value of an on-demand service where you can call up, at your leisure, discretion and convenience, matches where Abyss slices himself half to death and draws no money, Orlando Jordan gays it up to the nth degree and draws no heat, and Rob Terry plods his water-logged ass through the motions and draws no positive-testing blood samples? All for being cheated out of a PPV climax? Sign me up! -Eric

Stunt Granny Big 11- Week Ending 2/12/11

1. Vince McMahon – So you are off television for nearly a year. You were mentioned as being in a coma. You wake up in a toss away bit for your wife’s election campaign. So the next logical step is to return to WWE programming. Of course you need to hype it. Somehow Vince returned with a whimper by returning and announcing he will have a big announcement next week about a guest host. Underwhelming to say the least. – Jeremy

2. CM Punk – Never has a bloody nose looked so good on television. Randy Orton breaking CM Punks nose was the best part of their blossoming program so far. Seeing blood on WWE programming is such a rare thing now that something so small can really help an angle. Even if it was accidental it definitely made the angle more personal. – Jeremy

3. Kurt Angle’s kids – You see Impact? What an idiotic angle they are playing with between The Jarrett’s and Kurt Angle. If you saw Impact then you saw the heels act perfect instead of acting like overbearing and mean parents. Then the actual father of some of the kids never gets a chance to retaliate or counter. Angle himself was notably upset taking to Twitter to rip on how it is processing so far. – Jeremy

4. Vince McMahon – The poor guy (and I definitely don’t mean monetarily poor) had to swallow his pride and tell investors that not only did WWE make less money in the fourth quarter of 2010 than the fourth quarter of 2009, but one of the few things they did right this year was fiscal “discipline.” A company that has to admit being smart with its money, has only really ever admitted that one time for a three-month block of its existence, and STILL has “Legendary” and “Knucklehead” on its books is one that would send Jim Cramer of “Mad Money” to a sealed garage with a car key and a rope. – Eric

5. WWE vs. TNASo the Green Bay Packers ended up winning the Super Bowl and it was a natural fit to have Aaron Rodgers, the MVP, receive title belts after the victory since showing off an imaginary title belt is his end zone celebration. Take a good look TNA, they were all WWE titles not your worthless pieces of trash. – Kevin

6. Immortal – After watching Impact for some reason it has come to mind that this may possibly be the worst assembled collection of wrestlers of any stable in the history of wrestling. The Dungeon of Doom at least had a concept behind them. What does Immortal have? Let’s go over this sarcastically: Matt “please look at me play a wrestler” Hardy; Loopy Hardy; Gunner and Murphy (Gay porn names and looks. How I know is my secret); Rob “man with the exploding arms” Terry; Jeff “Yup I am still around” Jarrett; Eric “Farmer Jack” Bischoff and now “Hey didn’t you used to be” Hernandez. Wow. Strikes terror in the very soul. – Jeremy

7. WrestlemaniaI want to thank all three of the cities I had an opportunity to sit down with and hear what they had to say. This morning I woke up and had a great conversation with Vince. Once I had that conversation with him, I think I was set. Next spring, Wrestlemania is bringing it’s talents to South Beach and Sun Life Stadium. –  LeBron James

8. Curt Hennig – This week marked the eighth anniversary of Hennig’s untimely death, which was acknowledged by Jim Ross on his barbecue blog and by Scott Hall on his YouTube video blog, Last Call with Scott Hall. Mr. Perfect was one of my all-time favorite wrestlers and gimmicks, and to have met him would have been an honor. I did meet his widow, Leonice, and she is a sweetheart. I also tried to steal Amy Hennig’s WLW Women’s Championship away from her, but she spit her gum in my eye and neck-snapped me to the floor. Oops! – Eric

9. Kevin Nash & Blackmail – So here’s the story as I understand it. Nash signed a contract with TNA because he was basically planning on milking money out of them until either they went out of business or he died. But then WWE came a callin’ with a contract, so he asked Dixie for a release. When she said no, he threatened to reveal some secrets he knows about TNA so she immediately released him and next thing you know he’s a surprise entrant at the Royal Rumble. I see nothing in this story that hurts my “Kevin Nash is one of the smartest men in wrestling history” theory. Meanwhile, the secret *has* to be that Dixie and Russo are fucking, right? Because they totally are and I’m not even kidding. – Dusty

10. Booker T – I waited until I could see Smackdown to post this one because my feelings were confirmed and Booker was a million times better as an announcer this week than last week. I suspect he will continue to grow into this spot and make Smackdown a must see destination for wrestling fans. Meanwhile, Matt Striker on Raw means avoid avoid avoid at all costs. – Dusty

11. Vince McMahon – I got nothing, I just wanted to be the third person to have an entry this week entitled “Vince McMahon.” Uh, go check out didthecavswinlastnight.com. It’s the new best website ever. – Dusty

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