Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of @ImpactWrestling

Destination

I figured since Final Destination is on Sunday, I may as well do a de facto preview. I’ve got a couple of hours before I go out drinking with my buddy who is in town from Pittsburgh.

Kazarian starts off by call us choads. You deserve the shit you’re given. Bobby Roode cuts a fair enough program but I’m not sure why he’d put this double albatross around his neck. Christopher Daniels is OK at being insincere but I’m just so tired of this feud. AJ Styles is cutting an OK promo too. Still bored. Jeff Hardy & James Storm save Styles who picked a bad fight. They replay Austin Aries, Bully Ray & Hulk Hogan. Aries gets to cut the promo. He’s pushed buttons and wants to push more. I guess he likes video games.

I only looked at the headlines on Dot Net this morning so I know someone debuted or came back tonight. I also know that there’s a new TV Champion. Considering it’s a one on one match, the outcome between Samoa Joe and Devon is pretty easy. The match was cheap. Earl is distracted by a hot blonde. I guess that’s what happens since Madison Rayne left. DOC nails Samoa Joe with a hammer. Devon covers for the win. Brooke Hogan is happy about a contract delivery. Hmm, I’m guessing this is the mystery person.

I’m not shocked that they’re continuing this dumb angle with D’Lo Brown and Al Snow. They’re cool but a match is happening between them, right? Mickie James comes out in a dress. She made a pact to win the Knockouts Champion. Well, duh. Tara interrupts to brag about Jesse. Velvet Sky comes out. Three terrible promos in a row. Robbie E is freaking out about paying his insurance. Robbie T is a smart sophisticated European so he knows how to work an iPad. Why did I choose to review this show again?

That was their big promo before wrestling Chavo Guerrero & Hernandez. I don’t care about this match. Shocking, isn’t it? The Mexicans who were both born in the US take on Joey Ryan & Matt Morgan on Sunday. I’m sure Morgan is thinking it was a great idea to re-sign with TNA. Hernandez didn’t injure Robbie T. Chavo wins with the Frog Splash. Joey Ryan interrupts. Morgan attacks from behind. Big Morgan & Big Organ. I’m just angry now. Nothing gets better when Devon acts like he enjoys the strippers “going lesbian”.

Garrett Bischoff & Wes Brisco have Kurt Angle‘s back. I could like the group if Garrett & Brisco could act at all. Chavo barks all day little doggy while Hernandez tries to look tough. They cut the promo short. Jimminy Cricket.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to make some dinner tonight. That isn’t a picture of what I made, but it’s close. I made some whole grain pasta with fennel, red onion and zucchini with pesto sauce. (Edit: Forgot that I added chicken sausage with spinach and asiago cheese.) It kept me from getting started anywhere close to on time. Starting at 9:45 is not a great plan, but it’s better than midnight. Let’s roll.

CM Punk takes on Big Show to start the show. How dare the WWE start without a talking segment? Daniel Bryan deserves a slot evidently in the WWE Title match. You had to know some type of angle was going to lead to a bad finish. Bryan ends up attacking Punk. I’m guessing we have our main event tonight. Nice little tag team match. Punk is pissed at John Cena for saving him. No big shock that AJ bounces her way down to the ring and makes the match. She should really stop skipping with the power woman suits on.

JTG is bitchin’ to Kaitlyn about not getting air time. Twitter complaints work for burying someone. They do have three hours which they should use more wisely than they do. Ryback is JTG’s opponent. I’m so tempted to FF. I did it for his entrance. Did I mention that JTG looks terrible in trunks? Why does it sound like Jerry Lawler is being broadcast to the entire arena. Ryback wins another squash. The crowd loves him. I’m pretty bored with him. Piper’s Pit gets put to a vote.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is not really talking to himself but to Shawn Michaels. Shawn gets an imaginary phone call from HHH.  Heath Slater is getting more mic time. R Truth comes out. Weird match. Even my girl is wondering why Truth is in a singles match since he’s in a tag team. She knows more than WWE writers at this point. Downward Spiral pretty much out of no where for an R Truth win. Um, okay. The Prime Time Players show up. Oh, Mitchell Cool mentioned that Kofi was out earlier. I’ve already tuned him out less than an hour into the show. PTP’s shirts would go better with their tights if they weren’t heather black. (Edit: Their act will be no different without AW.)

I’m showing my girl pictures of McKayla Maroney not being impressed as they review Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio. Booker called off the match for Del Rio. Del Rio has a corntract (Edit: Not a spelling mistake. Isn’t this guy supposed to be learned and above everyone? Shouldn’t he be able to say contract?) and Booker can’t take that away from him. Sin Cara comes out for this boring break.

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Kevin’s Twitter Compilation of @ImpactWrestling

Tweet: Oh, the picture of Hogan in the hospital is priceless for comedy. Pay Back Time doesn’t sound like you’re mad enough.

Tweet: I liked Storm’s promo but he hit 4 topics: Aries, Roode, Aces & Eights & Kurt Angle. That’s a bit much.

Tweet: How neither Taz nor Tenay guessed it was Aces & Eights. Ah nevermind. They’re terrible announcers. After The Show: The announcers sat there and wondered why Kurt Angle wasn’t showing up. I hate announcers playing the super dumb card.

Tweet: Remember when Pope had lots of untapped talent in WWE? Yeah, it’s getting foggy for me too. After The Show: I remember when he had lots of talent in TNA too. Then he got caught in the endless Devon’s children feud after a botched feud with Samoa Joe, his opponent last night. Some people have no luck. He’s one of them.

Tweet: TNA wants you to check Twitter so that you can see that their roster got even more bloated with Chavo Guerrero.

Tweet: It was a fluke Jason Hervey! Aren’t you glad you’re producing Z grade shows with Eric Bischoff?

Tweet: At least TNA has had the good sense to keep Robbie T out of the ring. They need to kill this lame gimmick though. After The Show: I think the guido gimmick could still work but neither TNA nor the WWE have gotten behind the guy and allowed a consistent theme to be established. Robbie E just happens to be more lame than Zack Ryder who has his own take on the gimmick that feels much more personal.

Tweet: Jeff Hardy is a moron. After The Show: He was a moron because he got counted out attacking Robbie T. You’ve beat worse odds plus, do you lose your hearing when you attack someone? Shouldn’t you be able to hear the ref especially when you’re no more than ten feet from him?

Tweet: EY mention the name of the program you’re hosting you dumb ass! After The Show: Come on, I even mentioned it in this dumb column. You need people to watch your show to get it renewed. Why mention a new program without a channel or show name. Maybe the dumbest thing in wrestling for this week.

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Kevin’s Blog: #iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I need this head scratcher to figure out Hogan's Open Fight Night concept.

I know I mentioned this in an audio recently but I’m not sure I mentioned it in this space. My levels of reviews are Definitely or Almost Live which happens the night of the show. A Day Late & A Dollar Short is, duh, the next day. For The Hell Of It title says I just want to put content on the site. I’d imagine anyone that wanted to read a review of these shows has done it already. I’m throwing some pity because of their dismal ratings news. Plus, I know I won’t review the show on time this coming week. I have a ticket to go see Mick Foley & the Reverend Bob Levy on Thursday. I’m excited.

I want to vomit already. Hulk Hogan just called Samoa Joe & Brutus Magnus the greatest tag team ever. OK, well, only one champ each “Fight Night” can be called out? Or is Hogan just assigning one title match and the rest of the champs can still be called out? Devon comes out and calls out Bully Ray. I guess the champ can call someone out. All of the roster is hanging out together. Um, why? Just watch from your locker room. Bully Ray turns down the challenge. Shouldn’t Hogan have come out and enforced his won rules? Devon starts the match by attacking Bully Ray on the ramp. At least Taz called the Dudleys the greatest tag team of all time. He was trying to correct Hogan’s nonsense. They probably aren’t but they’re closer than the other clowns. Nothing happening before the commercial break.

Taz & Mike Tenay are praising the concept but doing nothing to help define it. The action has been pretty solid. It’s all familiar stuff. It makes sense they’re going for big shots and power moves. Devon gets the win after a spine buster. I would have liked to have seen him get some more offense in before the pin fall. Austin Aries talks about not being impressed with Bully Ray. Ric Flair is asked about the proper send off for Eric Bischoff. According to Flair, Eric is the greatest promoter of all time. Yep, I’m sure that’s why “his” company got bought by WWE.

Kazarian & Christopher Daniels talked to Kurt Angle. He yells at them for helping him because he doesn’t need anyone’s help. OK then. Jeremy Borash came to the ring. He says that Eric Bischoff is the biggest prick the company has ever had. Borash wants to fight him. Bischoff comes down clapping. As Eric talks, Bully Ray low blows JB. Bischoff pulls his leg up and gets the pin. JB could have kicked out. Ball shots hurt but prove a point. And why does a leaving heel need heat? Or this much camera time? Boy I can’t think of why they’re rating is below 1.0.

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Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of #ImpactWrestling

I'm a picky bastard sometimes.

I’m going to put this post in but then do the review later. I want everything to be in order of TV time but I want to play on Twitter while reviewing Smackdown. So, we get a placeholder. I’m a bit surprised the dogs are sleeping already. An early turn in for them. I’ll roll later. It’s time to roll, but I’ll be taking breaks to watch The Ultimate Fighter. Let’s roll. Officially.

Garrett Bischoff is cool because he drives a jeep with no top and wears aviator sunglasses. It is a really strange story and I have no idea why you start the show with it. Eric Bischoff & Gunner come out to Ric Flair‘s music. Eric gets to yap. I tune out. Kurt Angle is teaming with Gunner. Taz asks the dumbest question on the planet. Who is Garrett going to choose as a partner? Hmm, maybe the guy feuding with Angle. Angle yaps. I tune out. The crowd chants “Hardy”. See Taz, that’s how obvious it is. Sting makes me laugh by being in partial black face in front of the mirror. Even Eric Young looks at him strange. EY asks for his permission. I’m not sure what the hell is happening? Why did Sting forget EY’s name? What the fuck? Sting goes back to talking to the mirror. It kept my attention better than Eric or Kurt. Still didn’t make a lick of sense.

Eric Young & ODB got a title bout with Gail Kim & Madison Rayne. The Women’s Tag Titles are an unnecessary albatross. The dumb announcers didn’t listen to the crowd and wonder again who will team with Garrett. That’s as dumb as Josh & Booker not calling out Mitchell Cool on Smackdown. EY gets the hot tag. So Madison nails EY with the title belt and he falls on Kim for the victory. I hope this put the titles to sleep. EY offers ODB a ring and they go to commercial. That’s supposed to keep me hooked? Really? Really? Really?

The crowd is into it, chanting “Say yes”. ODB ends up putting the ring on EY. The comedy side of their act is good. The wrestling part is, um, woof. Joseph Park looks like a fat guy in a suit. Bully Ray tells Storm he’s not making it to Lockdown. He threatens Sting. Austin Aries reads his email from Sting. Looks like he had a Droid X. Nice choice. Aries wonders why they’re throwing away a money match on free TV. He’s going to take his talents to South Beach. Good stuff from both guys.

Zema Ion comes out to fight Austin Aries for the title. This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Aries is playing the face. He’s been doing too good of a job. OK, my cuts to The Ultimate Fighter are now over. I’m hoping this will move along now. Aries ends up using the hair spray on Ion to cause the DQ. That’s one way to get them to the PPV. They didn’t give much away. Still a really dumb idea. Joseph Park talks to Velvet Sky. He asks about Abyss because he’s his “brother”. Dear lord, it’s a Abyss cleaned up. Didn’t recognize that earlier. Getting him away from that character could help him. He’d need to improve in the ring still.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I had no idea there was a Vietnamese Restaurant across the street.

I’m so glad to have learned that I have a Vietnamese restaurant named Lac Viet. I love watching No Reservations and Bizarre Foods. I also watch a large batch of cooking shows. Any show that has mentioned Vietnam, they’ve raved about Pho. I got my first taste of it this past Sunday. I finished the leftovers before I started this review. Ridiculously awesome stuff. Anybody that comes to Columbus will get to try this place. Just excellent. Enough about food. Let’s roll.

We get review of Sting/Bobby Roode/James Storm. I love how Brandon Jacobs is “returning” to iMPACT. Stupid taping schedule. I might have to start drinking during this show anytime they mention Twitter. They’re getting to be as bad as the WWE. Bobby Roode runs down Sting and claims that he is going to retire tonight. Crimson & Matt Morgan are arguing. They’re going to win back the tag titles. They come out shortly after. Samoa Joe & Magnus come out. Tenay is still selling the unbeaten streak of Crimson. No one cares. Crimson nails the pole with a shoulder as they hit a commercial break.

Morgan gets the hot tag not long after the break ends. Joe makes the weakest save I’ve ever seen. Then Magnus runs at Crimson after Joe got knocked down. How dumb. It looks like Morgan & Crimson are going to feud again. Another communication gaffe. The segment makes sense now but I still hate them breaking up. Why did they get put together in the first place?

Brandon Jacobs comes out from the back this week. Evidently he’s drinking buddies with James Storm. He is not doing well. Jacobs shouldn’t have been past the guard rail. He’s back in Bully’s territory because they have unfinished business. He calls out Bully Ray. He does a good job with the chicken shit heel promo. They go to break as Jacobs runs after him.

Jacobs is still looking for him in the back. James Storm and Jeff Hardy stop him and give him an offer he likes. Zema Ion is taking on Alex Shelley. Ion starts things out with a drop kick thru the ropes. Shelley is allowed to recover when he gets tossed into the ring. Austin Aries comes out for a ring side seat. Good match so far as Shelley hits a suicide dive. Ion uses the hair spray to blind Shelley, nails a couple of moves and gets the win.

They recap the Eric/Garrett Bischoff feud. Garrett is going to keep on fighting. Everyone loses matches, why is this loss so big? Hogan reminds him that he’s going to have a bulls eye on his back because of his father. For some reason, Garrett’s going to get jumped. Um, why aren’t people jumping people all the time then? Madison Rayne says that Gail’s competition wasn’t good enough for Gail. I have said I think heels should turn on each other more but having Gail & Madison along with Ion & Aries going at the same time makes things really strange.

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