Ring of Honor e-mail includes posters featuring homeless men pointing at their necks

Yes, Eddie, step one of Arn Anderson Training is to put your thumb there.

As a loyal Ring of Honor fan who has watched about 45 minutes of one Sinclair Broadcasting Group TV show and who purchased his most recent ROH DVD in April 2009 but watched his most recent ROH DVD in, like, January 2009, of course I receive ROH’s weekly e-mails, because how better to keep up with a company with such an identity crisis as, as Austin Aries dubbed it, Smoky Mountain of Honor. (Thank you, Cageside Seats, for ranking high in a Google search for that term.)

Low digital quality, low-rent font, high calories!

So these are the types of show posters I’m treated to, the graphic designs that are supposed to excite me into parting with my money rather than buy lunch a few times this month (although I’m sure there are still ROH fans who will gladly buy PPVs and refuse to skip lunch). Low-resolution pictures of a guy who may or may not be a professional wrestler, chewing on a championship belt, while someone with a fetish for newspaper-letter clippings is holding something or other hostage. Not sold. How about the image at the top of this post? The one with FORMER WORLD CHAMPION Eddie Edwards pointing his thumb to his throat about as threateningly as a baby bunny eating my god damn tomato plants.

“O noes, stuck in ROH steal cage!”

But wait, there’s more!

L to R: A group who couldn’t draw money if their dad was Bob Ross; hot-ass Maria.

These are looking more indy by the minute. And seriously, Roderick Strong? Are you checking your pulse? Because you barely look like you could fog a mirror at this point in your life.

I could make the standard “Kevin Steen taking a dump” joke here, but I’ll aim below the belt and suggest that the person on this poster who looks most like a pro wrestler is god damn 90-year-old Bruno Sammartino. (No offense, @jaybriscoe84)

Finally — and please let this be the image that drives home the point that Ring of Honor has plenty of internal struggles to deal with (namely, hiring someone who uses Adobe Photoshop instead of MS Paint) and not that there’s anything wrong with the wrestlers… except Roderick Strong — here’s a piece of communication wizardy:

Now, ROH, tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know where to go, when and how to get there, when Lance Fucking Storm is standing in the way??

Once again, I shouldn’t slight the wrestlers so much as I should pick on ROH for its half-assed attempts to promote (and, at times, produce, M I RITE CHRIS SHORE) its live events. But I’m not the only voice here; let’s open this up to the peanut gallery:

Dusty: The only thing dangerous about Bruno is that he is still able to speak.

Jeremy: Could they have made them look cheaper? Roderick even knows this is shit. Oh, and look at the Briscoes, how cute.

Dusty: This has to be the first time in recorded history the Briscoes were described as cute in any way whatsoever.

Kevin: There were wrestlers on those posters? I thought I saw ads and some homeless men who couldn’t afford clothes. Any reason this type of thing can’t be a post with us ripping on one of the posters in particular?

Ask and ye shall receive. -Eric

#WatchROH – Aired 7 May 2012

We get a replay of Caprice Coleman & Cedric Alexander beating the Briscoes with the help Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Tomasso Ciampa starts off the show with his clown car. Matt Taven is his opponent. Kevin Kelly tries to sell us on Taven’s credibility. Ciampa got a quick jump on Taven. Jay Lethal comes to ring side and sits down. Ciampa nailed his finisher then stared at Lethal. Taven reversed into a suplex on the exposed concrete. They exchange on their knees and feet back in the ring. Taven uses his legs to his advantage. Taven gives Ciampa a neck breaker after Ciampa was hung up on the top rope. Ciampa kicks out after a frog splash. Nigel McGuinness says the crowd is going nuts. They aren’t. Ciampa gave Taven a jumping knee but only got two. Ciampa kneed Taven twice in the Tree of Woe.  Ciampa nails “Project Ciampa” for a win. If a schmuck gives Ciampa this trouble, shouldn’t Lethal walk all over him?

Veda Scott interviewed TJ Perkins who will be wrestling Mike Mondo again. The Young Bucks make fun of Perkins. They still suck, not in a good way. Perkins had a paint by numbers promo. He’s not engaging. I love his in ring work. They shake hands, which is more of a rarity than not shaking. Perkins gets in a neck breaker. Mondo crawled under the ring to attack Perkins from behind. Mondo fish hooked and dragged Taven around. Kevin Kelly tells me to set my DVR to watch Rhino take on Davey Richards. It won’t be that epic. Mondo ground his elbow into Perkins head. Mondo exposed the eyeball and appeared to be ready to eat it. Perkins fought out and started to use his speed advantage. Perkins nails a missile drop kick. The Young Bucks came to ring side. They distract Perkins. Mondo tumbles to the floor. Obvious over the top rope spot. One of the Young Bucks holds a leg. Mondo gets the win. The All Night Express makes the save after Mondo & the Bucks attack PErkins after the match.

Charlie Haas gives everyone a reminder that the Briscoes started the war between themselves. Shelton Benjamin said they want their belts. The Briscoes admit to starting the feud. They’re going to whoop them in Toronto. Truth Martini runs down his houses matches. Roderick Strong told Fit Finlay he’ll be in for the biggest fight of his life. Michael Elgin tells Adam Cole that he’s the only break out star. Rhino said that he’s going to take out Eddie Edwards. Eddie says it’s all about who can take more punishment. He told Rhino he won’t stand in his way to getting the ROH Title back. Mike Bennett told Lance Storm that he’s pathetic for asking for a rematch. Bennett said that Storm’s career will come to an end at Border Wars. I just realized that Border Wars was last night. Their events seem more packed together than the WWE’s PPV. I’m not even looking up the results but Dusty’s “LOL ROH” tweet takes on a whole other context now.

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Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I hope the good citizen’s that come to the site enjoyed the alternative posts with the Mick Foley comedy show and Colin Delaney interview. We can only hope that the later of the two leads to better interviews in the future. I’m also wrapping up ROH from two weeks ago before I start this review. Like a dope, I reviewed the more recent material. It was probably for the best since it was more hacked up matches from Showdown In The Sun. The Briscoes vs the World’s Greatest Tag Team wasn’t very good. ROH has fans and Charlie Haas flipping people off so often that I felt like half of the match was blurred over. Jay Lethal vs Roderick Strong was a good match but I don’t understand Tomasso Ciampa costing Jay Lethal the TV Title since they’re feuding. He screwed himself. No surprise that ROH is doing something dumb again. I’m sure the WWE will do something dumb tonight too. Let’s roll.

The WWE highlights their failures right off the bat. Johnny Wooden GM attacking John Cena because, you know, HHH got booted from the job for losing control. He’s a good character but the WWE’s logic is so fucked. Johnny comes out to no reaction what so ever. Johnny is playing straight up heel.  The crowd finally gets enough energy to boo. At least they cover their ass and say the Board of Director’s gave him a pass. I wish Roger Goodell had attacked one of the draftees. I’m sure he’d still be in his job. Johnny going all in on the heel aspect makes him a worse character. I’m bored. Why did I compliment him at the start? CM Punk comes out to, oh no, the crowd sucks. They barely react to him. It’s going to be a long night. I was going to say come out to wake everyone up. Greensboro blows. Punk tap dances around upsetting Johnny with good verbiage. Punk does get the crowd to react. Lord Tensai is Punk’s opponent tonight. I can’t wait for Punk to finally get a good match out of the big lug.

Johnny bumps into the Big Show back stage and yells at him. Eve Torres shows up like “Vampire” Hortatio Caine. Cody Rhodes comes out first. Mitchell Cool tries to defend Rhodes tables match win as legitimate. I wish Jerry Lawler wouldn’t argue like a 6th grader. Rhodes gets counted out. Eve comes out and orders the Big Show to apologize. Her ass is fantastic. Mitchell Cool, not joking, claims that having to apologize for making fun of Johnny’s voice is a severe consequence. Shot me. The WWE may have topped ROH for stupidity already.

They show replay of R Truth & Kofi Kingston winning because they have lots in common. Aside from their skin color, of course. Vickie Guerrero introduces the free falling Dolph Ziggler. I’m not even sure I want to admit he’s my boy he’s dropping so fast. It’s just Kofi vs Dolph. AW got Rosa, Epico & Primo to dress up. Mason Ryan shows up backstage because matches don’t matter. Ziggler gets the win with some help from Jack Swagger.

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#WatchROH – Aired 28 April 2012

It’s more highlights from Showdown In The Sun. They showed off the Briscoes beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team, Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin. Benajmin & Haas attacked the Briscoes after the match so they had to be carried to the back. I’ve bitched about other companies giving away their pay per views. It’s even worse when you only show the pin fall.

Cedric Alexander & Caprice Coleman are in a Proving Ground match against the Briscoes. ROH has too many types of matches. Alexander get the upper hand on Mark early.  Coleman started to get worked over by both Briscoes. Alexander gets a luke warm tag. Alexander gets a two count from a face buster. Coleman got wheel barrowed into the barracade. Alexander kicked out after a combo ending with a Razor’s Edge. Haas & Benajmin low blowed Jay with no one seeing it. Mark takes the pin after a huracanrana & frog splash combo.

Veda Scott interviewed Prince Nana & Barrister Evans along with Truth Martini. Rhino had his contract purchased by Martini. Rhino is going to rip Eddie Edwards in half. Vinny Marseglia was the sacrificial lamb for a debuting Rhino. The best thing I can say about this match is that Rhino is in much better shape than just about any other ECW alumni. Everyone was cheering Rhino. Um, he’s never been a particularly good wrestler. Rhino wins with a Gore.

I think John Cena gets less mic time than Kevin Steen. I’d take his dick jokes over Steen droning on about a horrendous angle any day. Jimmy Jacobs is with him. Kevin Kelly & Jim Cornette were already in the ring. Steen makes a fat joke about Cornette. People in glass houses Mr. Steen, should not throw rocks. He did have a good crack about the flags and theme of Border Wars being so 1987. Davey Richards comes out drag down the quality of this segment even more. Steen claimed that Richards promised to help him but he didn’t. Steen steals the show every time. Richards says he’s holding himself down.  Steen says that Richards threatened to leave ROH multiple times. They were ready to fight but security separates them. Cornette wants them to sign a waiver since the pile driver will be legal for the match. Cornette slipped in a provision that this is Steen’s only shot at the title. The segment was OK when they were yelling at each other. Richards would only threaten to go to Japan because his mic skills aren’t even good enough for TNA.

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#WatchROH – Aired 14 April 2012

Short shorts for a short show.

I’ll start off by saying that the first twenty five minutes on my DVR were an infomercial. That’s how much Fox thinks of the 5:00 PM time slot on Saturday. It’s more valuable than the wrestling show they signed to make TV. Wow. So this review won’t be full. It’s a show from Show Down in the Sun. The Briscoes are taking on some Australians in a proving ground match. I didn’t feel like deciphering how Nigel McGuinness said their names. Hastings and Nichols are their last names. For all I bitch about Kevin Kelly, I do understand him all the time. They pulled off a cool tandem DDT. Kind of a toss from a fireman’s carry position into a DDT. Briscoes turn it around in an instant but can’t get a three top with the frog splash top rope elbow. Doomsday Device for the Briscoes victory. I’m fine with the result but I would have liked for the heels to take more of a beating before the loss.

They come back with highlights from Davey Richards vs Eddie Edwards vs Roderick Strong. Edwards got eliminated first. Kevin Steen interrupted the Borders War press conference. They do the same schtick. And it’s still stupid for Jim Cornette to try and protect a bad ass champion. Jim explains that he’s been protecting Kevin Steen. ROH will be ruined with a Steen victory. That promo did nothing to make me not think this angle, at least the Cornette part, better. Eddie Edwards is being challenged by Rhino. Eddie knows that Truth Martini is trying to block him from title contention. Edwards said he’s going on a safari to hunt some rhino. I’m fine with his character.

El Generico comes out for his revenge match with Kevin Steen. Shouldn’t you wait until after this match to show the last segment? Not that I ever thought Generico had a chance in this match, but considering Steen challenged Rcihards for the title. Generico starts out a house on fire and before they can be introduced. Steen took over and strangled Generico with a Canadian flag. Generico used the spare ring rope under the ring. Interesting. Kevin Kelly is selling the point of Steen winning to get the title shot. Your announcer just showed how bad the ordering of your show is. Good brawl so far, which is good for a revenge match. Commercial break.

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#WatchROH – Aired 17 & 24 March 2012

They showed Adam Cole pinning Davey Richards. Richards shakes Cole & Eddie Edward’s hands. Kyle O’Reilly refuses to shake. Kevin Steen is going to be Davey Richards personal nightmare until he gets a match against him for the ROH Title. Adam Cole comes out for March Mayhem Eight Man Tournament. Cole had a backstage promo. He’s mad at O’Reilly for not respecting him. He’s going to make O’Reilly respect him. Chris Silvio is his opponent. I’m ready for a squash match. Oh my lord, Kevin Kelly compares Silvio to Jesse Ventura & “Superstar” Billy Graham. I just vomited on my lap top. Kyle O’Reilly does his best to make the announce booth sound even worse. Cole wins a Florida Key which is a criss cross dragon suplex. Not an impressive outing. O’Reilly stormed out of the booth for storyline reasons but it should have been because it was a poorly executed match. O’Reilly challenges Cole to a match at Showdown in the Sun. Cole accepts.

They recap Jimmy Jacobs vs Kevin Steen. Hilarious that Jacobs is rehabbing from being evil in ROH & being evil in PWO. Kelly gets to interview Kevin Steen. He is carrying a tennis racket that has Davey Richards on it. Steen talks about destiny. He’s just as boring as Alberto Del Rio. He will be ROH Champion despite Jim Cornette‘s attempts to kept him away from the title.  Cornette shows up. Cornette tells him that his opponent for Friday night for Showdown in the Sun. El Generico is his opponent. Steen said he won’t be dumb enough to get himself suspended by using the pile driver.

Lance Storm cuts a promo from his gym. He said he isn’t out of shape and will be ready for him. He said Mike Bennett doesn’t have the passion to be in wrestling. They try to make the promo more interesting by shooting him from multiple camera angles. It doesn’t work. Davey Richards knows how tough his three man match will be against Eddie Edwards & Roderick Strong. If he wins that, he takes on Michael Elgin. Richards said if he gets out of that weekend with the title, he’ll have earned it. DemBoys said everyone in this match hates each other. The chicken shit is going to hit the fan in Florida. Charlie Haas tells the Briscoes that they’re dumb. It’s a grudge match so when this match is over, their feud is.

Evidently everyone pays in and wins a pot of money for the March Mayhem. Four matches lead to a four way match. Winner of the four way wins the cash. They love having money on everyone’s mind. We get replay of Jay Lethal versus Tomasso Ciampa. The match went to the time limit. Ciampa attacked Lethal and stole the TV belt. Roderick Strong with Truth Martini takes on Jay Lethal in the first four way match. Counting in English reminded Kevin Kelly of El Generico’s return. I think he’s locked up worst announcer in wrestling with tonight’s showing. Congratulations on unseating Mike Tenay’s several year reign. They go to commercial before much has happened.

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#WatchROH – Aired 11 March 2012

We get review of the main event from the previous week of Eddie Edwards vs Roderick Strong and the post match announcement that they will both take on Davey Richards at Showdown in the Sun. Jim Cornette explains how they’ll have a title match on both days at Showdown. Six men are fighting to determine who randomly gets a title match on the second day after the winner of the three way match on Friday. They went to commercial. Wow, what a terrible way to start a show.

Kenny King is excited about being part of Blind Destiny. He only has to beat Jay Lethal. Lethal ends up saying he failed. King pops back on. Lethal says it’s his destiny to get the title match. Not a fan of flipping back and forth between the promos. Kenny King came down with Rhett Titus. Jay Lethal hit the ring second. This shows how much I care about ROH, but is Baltimore like their Orlando? I’m too lazy to check on my own. The match had barely started. Just some early offense when Roderick Strong & Truth Martini came to ring side. Lethal took over after a strong beginning for King. Lethal tried for a top rope power bomb but King fought out. Lethal calls for the Lethal Injection but had to switch to the Lethal Combination. He only got two. Kng went for a roll up, Lethal turned it into a bridge pin for the win. That doesn’t make sense. There was no offense by Lethal before King got pinned.

Adam Cole is dressed in a suit. He is pumped about teaming with Eddie Edwards. He’s not going to back down to anyone. Kevin Steen is going to make Adam Cole a casualty. Still amusing in a bad way with the announcers talking down about Steen yet the vast majority of the crowd is cheering for him. Cole tried to use power at first but moved to speed and capitalized. Steen breaks the refs count when he tosses Cole against a post. Cole turned around things using his speed. He executed a nice tornado DDT.  Steen gave Cole an Orton middle rope DDT. Steen got two after a senton in the corner. Cole got in some kicks and a back cracker but only got two. Cole nailed a pair of super kicks. Cole charged at Steen and he turned it into a power bomb. Steen F5ed Cole for the win. Steen went for the package pile driver but Edwards made the save.

Roderick Strong didn’t like the triple threat stipulations. Eddie Edwards doesn’t like it either. He just wants one winner. Strong thinks it sucks that he has two opponent. It was the second time he said sucks. Oh, it wouldn’t suck if Edwards & Richards beat the hell out of each other. Not a good theme. Mike Bennett is going to beat Lance Storm so fast, he can still get the early bird special. Ha. Solid one. We get replay of the Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin feud with the Briscoes. Someone is getting carried out of Fort Lauderdale according to the Briscoes. That was so short it was pointless. The Young Bucks will see the dorks in Fort Lauderdale. You can tell this company thinks promos are useless.

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